Original subtitles

That was one of the all -time great meals.

John, I gotta tell you, I never would have believed that one person could eat

that much.

Don't apologize, you're a growing girl.

Well, this is my stop.

Hey, just gotta brainstorm.

Next weekend you're coming over to my place, I'm gonna make you the dinner of

lifetime. I have a better idea for next weekend.

What? You like to ski?

Yeah, I love it. Good, a friend of mine has a little cabin up in Vermont and...

I was wondering if you'd be available.

Well, gee, I don't know. I'll have to get back to you on that.

I'm back, and boy, am I available.

I got the part!

I got the part!

I got the part! I got the part!

I got the part!

What's with her?

I'm not sure, but I think she got the part.

Call me tomorrow.

We'll make plans for next week. All right.

I got the weekend.

I got the weekend!

Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. John, did you hear the good news?

Looks like our little Annie is going big time on us.

I am starring in St.

Joan in Teaneck, New Jersey at the Wagon Train Motel and Dinner Theater. Whoa,

that's sensational. Congratulations, Annie. Oh, well, what about your job?

they going to give you time off? I quit that job.

I have delivered my last pizza.

Oh, I've got to call my mom. She's going to be so excited.

You really haven't told her about the play yet? No, I mean about the pizza.

She's been looking for a part -time job.

Good for Annie.

It's a real triumph for her.

You know what she'd love? If we all got together and went to see her performance

on opening night. Louise, that's a great idea.

Okay, okay, let's make a plan.

Yeah,

and it's gonna be rush hour, so we better give ourselves a couple extra

get there.

Wait a minute, I got a better plan.

Let's all chip in and send Annie a card.

Okay,

I have had it.

This world has gone to hell.

War, famine, disease.

Man's inhumanity to man.

The thing is, you don't realize how bad it is until it touches you personally.

Oh, my gosh.

Kirk, what happened?

The dry cleaners lost three of my Armani suits.

Oh, no!

How can you afford Armani suits?

John, it's as easy as falling off a truck.

By the time I finish suing the dry cleaners, I might even start buying my

in stores.

Yeah.

I'm sure Armani would pay you a lot more to stop wearing his suits.

Well, excuse me, Mr.

Corduroy.

Let's not have any squabbling, boys.

Why not start with you, John? Anything new in your life?

Not in that jacket. Hey.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Well, there is this woman named Jennifer.

Well, look, things between us are going so well, I just feel I'm going to jinx

it if I talk about it, so I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, no, you mean,

John, you meet somebody, everything's going perfect, you know, great rapport,

great communication, great sex, and you tell people what you got going and her

price skyrockets.

little bit of smut with us.

John, surely there's something you can tell us about Jennifer.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you this much.

We're going on a ski weekend in Vermont.

All right, a ski weekend, a little slalom in Gomorrah.

No, no, it's going to be great.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I mean, do you have any idea how

skiing costs?

We're going to have to rent the equipment.

Buy the lift tickets.

She'll probably want to eat.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Kay.

Well, listen, I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I just couldn't wait to see

you guys.

I didn't want to say anything until I was absolutely positive, but I have such

good news.

Mitch and I have finally...

Mitch and I are opening a restaurant.

Yeah, we're calling it Kate's Place.

We're going into partnership with Curtis Riles, a guy he used to work with.

Oh, is Mitch quitting the police department?

Are you kidding? He's only got five years till his retirement.

Well, we wish you luck.

So, Kate, where is this place anyway? Oh, it's just over in Bayside. Count me

out. Bayside?

We're teasing you. We'll be there.

I'm so excited about going into business for ourselves.

Gee, I'm amazed. I didn't know you had any experience working in restaurants.

Oh, well, actually, I don't.

I don't know the first thing about running a restaurant.

Oh, I have to admire your courage.

You know, I read somewhere that over 2 ,500 restaurants have already gone down

the tubes this year.

Oh, I'm not saying that's going to happen to you. Oh, no, no, that's not

to happen. We're not going to let it happen. Right, right. Where'd you get

cash to go into this little venture? Oh, well, we invested Mitch's retirement

and all of our savings.

Well, good for you. I think the place is going to be a smashing success.

Haven't you been listening?

You won't solve anything by letting your emotions run away with you.

Louise, sweetie, can I talk to you about our little problem?

Go to hell!

Well, where were we?

And rent.

Utilities.

Credit cards.

Salmoni.

Food, clothing, dry cleaning, miscellaneous, and a ski weekend with

Hi,

Ben. Hey, John, how you doing? Don't ask. Look, I stopped by to get your

about something.

Just ate my ski weekend.

Sorry.

How do people afford anything?

I mean, I make a decent living. I can barely scrape by every month.

I don't get it, John. Maybe you're doing something wrong.

I mean, I'm just a custodian. I manage to put money away every month.

You, you're a teacher at a prestigious prep school, and you're always broke.

Why do they pay you anyway?

Well, if you really want to know, I make around $32 ,000.

No, come on, John. I'm serious.

Why do they pay you?

I just told you, $32 ,000.

Why, what do you make?

Listen, John, I got a woman question for you.

The reason I got into a little tiff... Actually, it was more than a little

but the whole thing was over a stupid tuna sandwich. You make a lot more than

$32 ,000?

Yeah, but get this. She didn't put mayonnaise in the tuna fish.

What are we talking, low 40s here?

Maybe she's doing it for my benefit.

I know the cholesterol's bad for me.

I'll probably feel better, probably live longer, too.

What do you think? No way they could be paying you more than 50.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Howie. How you doing?

It's my accountant. Excuse me.

Yeah, what do you want, Howie?

You made a little mistake.

Oh, come on, Howie. You're only human.

$2 ,000?

I owe the IRS $2 ,000?

What?

No, Howie. You're right. You're very right. This isn't a good time to talk

your fee.

Are you okay, John? No, I'm not okay.

And now I owe the IRS $2 ,000.

Why don't they take me out and shoot me, put me out of my misery?

Ben, Ben, you gotta help me.

You gotta loan me $2 ,000.

John, I don't have that kind of money. What do you mean? You're a janitor.

You're rolling in it.

Ladies and gentlemen, here from Montreal, Cecilia Wiley. Cecilia, what

do? I went out. Parental discretion advised.

Well, I think we're ready for the opening on Friday.

That trial run was perfect.

And I just want you all to know that this place is going to be more than just

restaurant. It's going to be a home for all of us. We'll be like one...

Big, happy family.

So if any of you have any questions or need anything, please come to either

Curtis or myself, and we'll do everything in our power to accommodate

Well, Curtis, do you have anything you'd like to add?

Yeah. If I catch anyone stealing, I'll chop your hand off.

Okay.

Well, on that note, I guess we'll see you all on...

Curtis, how could you threaten those people like that? Let me tell you

something, Kate. There's three reasons a restaurant goes under.

Number one, the food is bad, which it won't be because I'm the chef.

Number two, the help is stealing.

Number three, see number two.

And I especially want you to keep an eye on the bartender. Make sure he's not

robbing us blind.

But I thought the bartender was your cousin.

He is.

Hey, Calvin.

Hey, cuz.

That's the hand that goes if I catch him.

Well, Red, this place is unbelievable.

Oh, my... I mean, incredible.

Look, you have outdone yourself.

We are talking real class.

And you must be the chef?

No, I'm the Pillsbury Doughboy.

This is my... partner, Curtis.

Curtis, this is the bane of my existence.

Oh, you must be Kirk.

Okay, Kirk, what do you want?

Well, as you must know, Dry Clean has decided on an out -of -court settlement

for losing my Armani suit, so I was planning a little celebration with some

my favorite babes. I thought I'd come down, you know, check the place out. Oh,

yeah, no, look, look, look, look, I don't have time. No, no, that's okay.

show you around.

Oh. Yeah, so, uh...

What were you thinking of serving at this party? Well, I was sort of toying

the idea of an all -you -can -eat aphrodisiac buffet.

Hi,

Kate.

Annie! Nice place.

Annie, what are you doing here? I thought you were doing a play in Jersey.

I was.

You should have seen me.

The perfect St. Joan.

I had a sort of French accent and everything.

Last night, there I am, tied to the stake. I'm right in the middle of my big

soliloquy. They light the fire.

I'm burning.

I'm screaming.

I'm acting.

Then one little flame sort of creeps over to a curtain.

And the next thing I know, the stage is up in flames and the audience is running

for the exit. Oh, my God. I hope they didn't panic.

No. They were both very orderly.

What rotten luck.

Well, I'm sure you were wonderful.

Yeah, now I'm back where I was before.

Talented and jobless.

Oh, Annie, I feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.

Okay, I'll take the job.

You mean you work here?

Oh, I don't think so. You see, friends working for friends.

Never works. It's a bad idea.

Okay. Then we won't be friends anymore.

Look, Annie, I really... No, look.

If you don't like what I'm doing, you tell me. Don't hold back. I can take it.

You're the boss. I'm the waitress. Whatever you say goes.

Well... Okay, we'll give it a shot.

Yeah. All right. We start Friday night at 6 o 'clock sharp.

At 6 o 'clock? That's dinner time.

Okay, okay, I'll be there. I'll see you.

I got the job.

I got the job!

Your friend Kirk just made my day!

He left?

Boy, did I just save us a lot of money on our laundry bill. Kirk made a deal

with his dry cleaners. They're giving him $4 ,000 worth of free laundry. In

exchange for the laundry, I cut him in on a small piece of the restaurant.

American dream. A guy starts out with three lousy suits and he ends up owning

restaurant.

Thank God you're here.

I need your help.

What's the emergency that you're screaming about?

Over there, the bookshelf. Get me the Bible. What? The Bible. What? The Bible.

Oh, okay.

Bible, Bible, Bible, Bible, Bible.

Give me a hint, John. What does it look like?

It's black. I got it. I got it.

Hey, look. Whoa.

It's a credit card. That is not a credit card. Yeah, it is. It is not a credit

card. Look at it. It's a credit card. It is not a credit card. That's the devil.

The devil? He came to the mail this afternoon.

There's a $10 ,000 limit. Well, that's great.

That is great, George.

It is not great.

It's part of your evil plan.

Look at this.

I'm maxed out on all my other credit cards. And what do they do? They send me

another one.

They want to cut me in even more.

These people know what they're doing. They know I can use this to pay my

to pay the IRS, even to pay for my alimony. And where does it get me?

Deeper in debt and hoping desperately for another credit card.

What's the big deal?

I want to get rid of it, but I can't. They've got the scissors out and

everything. Have you ever tried to cut up $10 ,000 in cash?

Off the top of my head, no.

You got to take this credit card and get it out of my apartment.

You got to stop me. Stop me before I charge again.

John.

What?

Do you realize what you're doing to your country?

Huh? It is guys like you who are prolonging the recession by not spending

that you don't have.

Even the president of the United States says that, and he ought to know, because

he spends more money that he doesn't have than anybody.

Why do you think he needs your $2 ,000 in taxes?

Makes sense. Of course it does.

What the hell am I saying?

It makes sense, John.

And if you're not going to do your patriotic duty, you're forcing me to do

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take this baby, I'm going to put two

tickets to Bermuda on it.

We are not going to Bermuda.

I'm not going to ruin my life by becoming a slave to that cart.

Fine.

Have it your own way.

The next time you hear that sauce -fangled banner, I don't want to see you

standing.

Sweetheart, please.

You got... What do you mean you're not coming? We're talking the opening night

of my restaurant.

Yes, anybody who is, anybody's going to be here.

Excuse me.

Bruce, Demi, nice to see you. Thanks for coming.

Roseanne, naughty, naughty. I saw you put those potatoes in your purse.

I am telling you, the place is packed.

What do you mean?

You wouldn't come to my restaurant if it was the last place on Earth.

Is that any way to talk to your son?

Yeah, well, same to you, Ma.

Well, Mr.

Bunny, where do you want to eat tonight?

Well, let's go over to Kate's place. I hear it's totally empty.

Just because it's open tonight and we only have two people here doesn't mean

have to panic.

I'm not panicking.

I was talking to myself.

Hi,

Kate. Oh, Ann, where have you been?

I had an audition.

It went terrible. I got depressed. I went home. I ate cookies. I ate candy. I

started eating sugar right out of the bowl. I had a sugar rush and re

-wallpapered my entire apartment.

Oh, it's okay. There's nobody here anyway.

Why didn't you stop me? I just blew a perfectly good excuse.

Oh, my God, there are actual people here.

I better change.

Whoa, whoa.

Welcome to Kate's Place, where the food we cook makes music in your mouth.

Just made that up.

No.

So we're going to need a table for 16.

16 is not a problem.

Boys, shut up. up a table for 16.

John, what is all this?

Well, you didn't think we'd let you open your restaurant without us coming over

and help you celebrate, did you? Oh, John put this whole party together.

He called some of your friends, and here we are. Oh, that is so sweet. Well, why

don't you all have a drink while we get your table ready, okay?

Excuse me, Kate.

Can't chat now. I got a belly up to the bar.

Kate, I just love your little bistro. Oh, thanks, Mary Beth.

And I'd like to introduce you to the most precious man in the world to me,

Uh, Matt.

Matt.

It's nice to meet you, Matt.

Make yourselves at home.

Well, I see you two have made up. Ben, you look terrific.

Oh, Louise picked out the suit. I picked out the tie.

It's lovely. I just love that. Thanks. Excuse me. I'm going to see if I can buy

John a drink.

It's a ghastly tie, isn't it?

Do you want me to spill some red wine on it? I already did. You can't tell.

I love this place. Oh, Jennifer, I'm just so glad you and John could make it.

Oh, we wouldn't have missed this.

That's why we postponed our ski trip until tomorrow.

You want to see the rest of the place? Yes, we do.

I can't wait to show you what's back there.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you people doing?

Bartender, everything is on me tonight. Here, put it on my card. Put it on my

card.

John.

What?

You did it, didn't you? What?

You gave in to temptation and threw out all your principles for immediate

gratification.

My man!