Original subtitles

For the studio audience.

They're going to ruin my school. I mean, they're just going to ruin it. I'm

sorry to get so emotional about this, but what they're doing is criminal. It

makes me crazy. Ben, Ben, do you mind?

No, if you think it's criminal, that's your business.

No, Ben, the hammering.

Oh, I'm sorry, the window's stuck. I'm just trying to get it open. Ben, it

that every Friday night you're in here working on something. Don't you think

that just once you could interrupt the group that meets here on Thursday night?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Thursday nights they have that assertiveness training class in here.

Last time I tried to fix something, one of those women threw a chair at me.

John, you weren't saying about this woman at your school?

Oh, right.

Now, where was I?

You were boring us.

Anyway... You know why they're going to name this woman headmaster?

Because she's a knockout and 80 % of the faculty is horny old men.

I could straighten out the other 20 if you want.

Mrs. Filbert, Mrs. Filbert, please.

John, who is this woman anyway?

Her name is Monica Whitaker. She doesn't care about the school. She doesn't care

about the kids.

She's just using this position as a stepping stone. As soon as she gets

job, she's going to leave the school just like that. That's great. That's

wonderful.

soap opera I'm working on.

Oh, Mary Beth, you're doing it again.

Doing what?

Well, lately, whenever one of us so much as breathes a word about our personal

lives, it winds up as an idea for the divided heart.

That's not true.

Oh, no?

What about that episode you wrote about that poor, lonely, pathetic woman who

spent her entire life desperately looking for love?

The point is, Mary Beth, for the last three or four weeks, you've done nothing

but talk about this soap opera.

Now, come on, man. This is supposed to be a place where we listen to each other

and discuss our problems.

This is a problem.

I have to create a new character named Roger, and I don't know where to begin.

I'm up all night pacing the floor. All I can think about is Roger, Roger, Roger.

Who is he? What does he do?

Is he tall or is he short?

Does he live in a mansion or a penthouse? Does he drive a Maserati or a

This guy doesn't even exist and he's got a more exciting life than I do.

John, a Siberian yak has a more exciting life.

Mary Beth, you've been obsessing about this soap opera ever since you started

writing for it. I hate to say this, dear, but I think you're becoming a

workaholic. Me?

There's a Workaholics Anonymous meeting across the hall in room 213 you might

want to check out.

Yeah, but don't get involved with those people.

They never want to go home.

Mary Beth, for just one night, could you be at the meeting and forget about the

soap opera, okay?

John, has it ever occurred to you that perhaps your masculinity is being

threatened? That you're afraid to have a strong, ambitious woman for your boss?

Hey, I had a strong, ambitious boss.

I was married, remember?

Oh, that's good.

Roger can work for an ambitious, strong -willed woman.

Would you knock it off, Mary Beth? Our lives are not a soap opera.

Mary Beth, try to understand.

I know you care about your writing. I know you care about your work.

And I know you, Roger.

You just can't stand working for an ambitious, strong -willed woman.

Yeah, and you, Monica.

It's not like having real men working for you.

That's why you have that dumb blonde out there.

Ah, that reminds me.

Blondie, my coffee.

Yes, Miss Whitaker.

Bring it over here, Blondie.

Have you...

Given any thought to our little trip to Paris?

Uh... I don't know. Why don't you stand up to this woman and be a real man for a

change?

You're right.

Thanks for the little push.

Miss Whitaker, I'm a person.

I have feelings.

I can't go to bed with someone who doesn't love me for who I am.

Who only wants my body.

Besides, you know I'm engaged to Jessica.

And in love with Brian.

Don't let this get around.

God,

I want that man.

Monica, I know you don't care about this company.

You don't care about your employees.

But this time, you've gone too far.

Frank is the best sales manager I have, and you want to let him go.

The man is 60.

He's got a wife in a wheelchair, a nephew with gingivitis, and a grandchild

dropped out of medical school to become a mime.

Now, hasn't he suffered enough?

You can't fire him. Oh, don't tell me what I can do. He's my father.

You're a woman.

A woman is supposed to be soft and sweet.

Women are the kinder, gentler sex.

Monica!

Monica! Zora!

Roger! What have I done?

You shot me, Monica.

fantasize you as Ben or Kirk or Tom.

Oh, no, you don't. Tom has enough to do in my fantasies.

Tom, I realize you don't like this Monica Whittaker, but what makes you so

she wouldn't be a good headmaster?

You want to know? You really want to?

All right, I'll tell you.

There's a student in the school named Harvey Willis.

He's not very bright.

He's in Monica's history class.

One day, he left one of his tests, one of his history tests, in my classroom.

So I took a look at it.

He got seven out of ten wrong, and Monica gave him an A.

An A to a kid who thinks Little Bighorn is the opening act for Springsteen.

Kid's an idiot. Nobody opens for the boss.

Monica gave him an A because she's a sucker.

Just so happens that Harvey's father is the head of the school board.

Ooh, this is juicy.

John. Huh? John, I think you owe it to the school to go down there and expose

this woman for what she is.

Well, I, uh... I can't.

Why not?

It's just something I'd rather not talk about.

Why? Is it interesting?

No, it's just something I'm not very proud of.

A mysterious secret.

John.

Oh, come on, John. What is it? No, no, no. Just forget it, okay?

Look, I don't want you people thinking that I'm some kind of a villain.

Come, come, John. We're your friends.

We'd never think of you as a villain.

Roger is not a villain, big kid. Yes, he is.

Why do you always take Roger's side instead of mine, Mother? He's only your

-in -law.

Because, my darling son, you are a spineless twit.

Nevertheless, you wouldn't favor Roger if you knew his secret.

Good to see you, Vanessa.

Sanders, how are you? Fifi, my dear.

Binky. Roger.

Now, the reason I called you here today...

Don't have what it takes to run the family business anymore.

I'm just not big enough.

Since you are an attractive, passionate woman, you've decided that I, a man of

seething integrity, should be the one to run the business instead of that

stupid, sniveling son of yours.

Oh? And who might that be?

You, you spineless twit.

Mom!

talk to me like that.

Sanders, you've been trying to open that safe for the past two weeks now. What

seems to be the problem?

I don't know the combination.

Well, keep trying.

I need those papers in order to sign the company over to Roger.

You can't do that, Mother. He's a terrible person. You realize why after I

reveal his secret.

Because I know it's something you're not proud of.

Do the words history teacher mean anything to you?

My God.

There's no way you could know about that. No.

But I found the one person who does.

Cassandra. My wife.

My sister.

My daughter.

My mistress. My girl.

The only problem is she has amnesia.

Oh, my poor baby.

She's been gone for 15 years.

Where did you find her? I found her in a bordello in New Orleans.

She was humming torch songs.

Humming torch songs? She couldn't remember the words.

My plucky little girl.

So you found her. So what?

She has amnesia. She won't remember a thing about that history teacher or the

night that I...

The point is, she won't remember. Yes, she will, you rat.

Don't hit me!

I spoke to Rego Vallee's most eminent psychologist, and he assures me that

Cassandra sees her home and family, it will trigger her memory.

Fifi, bring her in!

Fifi, bring her in. Fifi, get the tea.

Fifi, stop drinking.

Cassandra, what happened to you?

Who are you?

I am your lonely widowed mother. And this is your incredibly sexual

husband, Roger.

There's nothing whatsoever between us.

Oh, hello.

That's the wonderful thing about... I'm always meeting new people.

What's the point, Binky?

You're wasting our time. The little tart remembers nothing. Don't call her a

tart. She's my sister.

She's my wife. She's my daughter.

She's a tart.

Cassandra Concentrate, the history teacher.

Think. Think.

Sanders! Haven't you figured out that combination yet? Should be as easy as

two, three.

One, two, three?

There's one I haven't tried.

Well, Binky, as usual, you're completely wasting our time.

Your combination worked.

Binky.

Roger. Cassandra.

She's back.

Quick, Vanessa, sign the papers. Sign them. The history teacher.

Think, think.

Oh, it was awful. Roger did this evil, evil thing. Yes. Yes, for his own

Because you can't remember the words.

Well, never mind.

John, what is your secret?

Yeah, won't you please tell us? All right.

All right, all right.

When Monica Whitaker first started working at my school, we dated for a

Well, actually, we did more than date. We, uh, slept together.

For your sake, I hope she graded on a curve.

So what's the problem, John? The problem is that after I slept with her, I

recommended her for the job of headmaster.

John, that's not like you. I know.

But of course, the minute she got what she wanted, I got dumb.

That's like you.

You see, she just used me.

That's when I realized what kind of a person she is.

When I threatened to go to the board and tell them about Harvey Willis, she just

laughed. And she said that if I did that, she would tell them about our

affair. And they'd all think I was just trying to get even.

John, all evening you've been telling us you care about the kids, you care about

the school.

And if you really want to help them, then do something about it. That's

John. Maybe it's time to get off your duff and do something for your fellow

Be a force for good.

A force for good?

A force for good.

There you go.

Now you'll be able to eat again.

Of course he'll see you. You don't need an appointment.

Dr. Roger Good is the most compassionate, generous, giving man in

noticed it's gone.

Mr. and Mrs. Miller are here.

Show them in.

Well, well, you seem a lovely couple, but trouble.

How can the good doctor help you?

Doctor, we've tried and tried, but we can't have a child.

And without a child, our lives are empty.

Oh, don't cry.

My little barren one.

You want a child? Take one of mine.

Here, take your pick.

Oh, no, we couldn't possibly.

Of course you can. It's like taking Gandhi from a baby.

They're all such lovely children. It's so hard to decide.

Then take two. They're small.

How can we ever thank you?

By raising them with love.

Show them this is the world in which the lion should lie down with the lamb.

Teach them respect for all living things and tolerance for their fellow man.

But above all, never let them watch Married with Children.

Excuse me, Dr.

Good. Merci.

And he shall have one.

Tell them you and I are on our way. You and I?

What do you need me for?

You don't think I'm going to give them my heart now, do you?

Nobody's that good.

Goodbye,

Dr. Good.

Goodbye, Dr. Good.

Bye,

John.

What word he said about Veronica Spinnaker?

Monica Whittaker.

Whatever.

I'm sorry, folks. I'm afraid this window's just permanently stuck.

Stand back, kid.

Find the right spot, they'll do anything you want.

Oh,

my God.

Hey, do you want to go grab a bite or something?

Sure, I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, okay.

Good night, Mary Beth. Bye.

Thanks.

Mary Beth, do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?

You know, your conduct...

was reprehensible.

It might not be a bad idea to just think about how your obsessive behavior is

affecting your life.

Good night, dear.

I'd just like to say I'm great.

to the Academy for giving me this award as the best soap opera writer in the

world.

I have no one to thank because I did it all my life.