Original subtitles

Find the caterer for the wedding. Oh, that's very sweet of you, dear, but I've

already taken care of the caterer. Oh, by the way, Louise, what are we going to

have? Oh, my mouth is watering just thinking of it.

We're starting off with whitebait, kippers, bangers, and mash, then

pie, and my favorite, stuffed tripe.

Who's the caterer you were thinking of?

Well, guess it, John, that's what we're having.

Yeah, stuffed tripe. Tripe? That's what I had at my wedding.

Just one question.

Do you eat it or throw it?

Okay, okay, okay. I guess that takes care of everything. Except the

Good. Then there is something I can do. I have this relative. It's my mother's

sister's cousin's second cousin's brother's sister's nephew's boy.

Or something like that.

Anyway, he owns a liquor store.

Yeah, but can he give us a good deal?

He will if I can prove we're related.

Just remember, no champagne for Tom or me.

Last time we had champagne, the room started spinning.

Too much to drink, Mrs. Philbin? No, they tied us to the ceiling fan.

in the hall, one cop in a field, one feeling a cop.

You know, I don't know about that guy.

Kirk? Oh, he's harmless.

Listen, I'd better get inside.

They're about to start the meeting.

I'll meet you at your place, certainly.

No, I'm saving myself till after our wedding.

Oh, the hell with it. I'll save the rainforest instead.

We're going to let you leave our little family without a proper send -off now,

did you? Oh, we're all going to miss you, Kate.

Oh, thanks. Same here. Look at the cake that Ben made for you.

Oh, Ben.

It's beautiful.

Thanks. I learned from a German pastry chef.

Well, he taught you well, Ben. That is a very professional piece of work there.

Oh, yeah. Schultz was the best.

When he wasn't drinking, that is.

Oh. Yeah.

He even taught me ice carving. No kidding.

Yeah. You know, one time...

I carved Mount Rushmore out of ice.

Mount Rushmore? Yeah, it was my masterpiece.

I see.

Unfortunately, Teddy Roosevelt wound up floating face down in Schultz's vodka

gimlet.

Well, thanks for the cake, Ben. I appreciate it. Oh, yeah. I better get

gotta go fix something.

If anybody finds a screwdriver in that cake, it's mine.

Enjoy.

Hey, Kirk.

You better go get the paper plates and all the rest of the stuff. Yeah, okay.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Kate.

Four years ago, you walked into this group a wounded, bitter, and miserable

person.

Now you're a flourishing, strong, and thriving woman. It gives me such joy to

know I was able to help you become emotionally stable again.

What have I got to do with that?

Oh, please.

Just because I'm leaving the group doesn't mean we won't see each other

each other anymore.

You promise?

No, you're right. I never want to see you again.

Oh, I was kidding. I was kidding.

I know.

Oh, Louise, you're the best friend I ever had.

You know, I can't think of a single time when you didn't put my happiness before

your own.

Thank you. Thank you.

And in case I forgot to tell you, thank you.

Isn't he wonderful?

Hee -hoo! More than wonderful.

Who the hell he?

Well, my date calendar was filled last week, and I had this guy left over.

Who? You fixed the chap up with Keith.

Well, I figured he wasn't your type.

Huh. Louise, he turned out to be this unbelievably handsome, wealthy son of an

Argentine cattle baron. He may well be the most charming, romantic man I...

Beautiful name.

Oh, that certainly brings back memories.

Guitars playing, castanets clicking, mission bells ringing.

Mrs. Filbert, you have a Latin lover, too?

Actually, he was a sailor behind a taco stand.

You know, I've had some really great times here.

Armani jackets, $100.

Where are we going to get Armani jackets for $100? We don't. We get Armi jackets

and we tell them it was a typo.

Attention, everyone.

It's time for the graduation ceremony.

Oh, it's wonderful watching my little chicks leave the nest.

First Ralph and now Kate.

Get a grip, woman. You're giving me the blues.

that Kate McCarron... Okay,

this hereby certifies that Kate McCarron once again has a life.

She leaves these hallowed halls with a fresh outlook and a healthy attitude.

Kate, you are the most together woman I know.

You've got to get out more.

This group has done a lot for Kate. I mean, you should have met her a few

ago. She was so full of anger.

I mean, she hated men.

Well, who wouldn't after what that jerk of a husband put me through?

You know, John, after my divorce, you were the very first man I could talk to

without biting his head off.

That's because I never had designs on you. I mean, I knew you needed a male

friend. I mean, someone who you can count on and wouldn't put any sexual

pressure on you.

You and I are not lovers, John. We're buddies, remember?

Buddies don't get jealous.

I'm not jealous.

Well, you're sure acting like that. I'm not jealous. Are you sure? No, I'm not

jealous. You're jealous. All right, all right, all right. Maybe I am. Ha, ha.

Okay, I'm jealous. I don't know why, but I'm really, really jealous.

Well, that's stupid, John. I mean, make up your mind. What are we? Are we

friends or are we lovers?

You want to be lovers?

Is that what you want?

Okay, John, come on.

Let's be lovers. Come on, let's stop.

What's the matter, John?

Don't you want me?

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Well, which is it, John?

Well, I guess when push comes to shove, it's... Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm catching up. You're two buttons ahead.

Well, thanks, John, for keeping it...

Just friends.

What do you say we go cut the cake? Right.

What the devil is that? It's just a stupid beeper that Wendy made me get.

It's very convenient. Now she can torch me even though she doesn't know where

the hell I am.

Oh, come on, John. The woman is pregnant.

What happens if Wendy goes into labor? If you ask me, that beeper is very

sensible. Sensible?

What if she goes into labor while John's out beeping some other babe?

Isn't that nice?

You're divorced, but you still keep in touch.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. I'm coming, I'm

You better be in pain.

This is all so weird.

I love it.

But I hope Mitch and I don't end up like John and Wendy.

I was engaged to a guy named Mitch when I was with the circus, but it didn't

work out.

Oh, why not?

Well... He caught me getting out of the backseat of a car with 21 clowns.

You sure have lived, Mrs. P.

I sure have, kid.

I've got the rubber noses to prove it.

Thank you for sharing, Mrs. Filbert.

Kate! Can you believe the wedding is only eight days away?

Oh, I believe it all right.

Well, yeah. I sound very excited.

Well, I'm more nervous than excited. I can't believe that with all this

happiness, something won't go wrong.

Trust me, Red, that'd be the best thing that could happen.

What?

That was a very cruel thing to say, Kurt.

It's not the guy for her. She's obviously settling.

What?

Hey, come on, admit it.

There's been an under -taught sexual tension between you and I ever since we

first laid eyes on each other.

Oh, Will, you shut up.

There's no sexual tension between us. It's just plain tension.

Kirk, can't you see that Kate is very nervous about this wedding?

You're acting like a complete jerk. Yes, you definitely owe Kate an apology.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was way out of line with what I just said. There, I said it.

Are you happy now?

I guess.

Good, so we're friends again?

I suppose.

Okay. Now, if you people will excuse me, I'd like to be the first one to kiss

the bride.

Oh, now, I have a warning. Come on. Just one wet sloppy one.

Now, that'll do. That'll do.

You are not coming to my wedding.

You already invited me. Well, now, you're uninvited. You mean that? You bet

do. Good.

Now, I don't have to see you throw your life away on that loser.

You just physically abused me.

You inflicted pain on my body.

Don't tell me there's no sexual tension between us.

Good old Wendy.

Our toaster oven she couldn't use. The dust buster she couldn't use. The needle

and thread she couldn't use.

But this beeper, like a fish to water.

Now, John, I'm sure it's not as bad... as you're letting on. Oh, yeah? It's

happening all the time.

Like yesterday, in class, I was giving a lecture on Shakespeare's Richard II.

And right in the middle of it, she starts, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

What really hurts, she interrupted one of the best performances of my teaching

career.

Of comfort, no man speak.

Let's talk of graves, of worms and epitaphs.

Make dust off paper! Everybody!

after you during school hours. It must have been important.

It wasn't important. It was for the same reason you just called now.

To remind me to go to Lamar's class tomorrow night.

I don't see why we have to go.

When she had Matthew, she had the shortest labor in medical history.

It was breathe, push, plop, you're a father.

She doesn't need Lamar. She needs an egg timer.

I don't want to interrupt anything.

I just came back because I... I forgot to say goodbye to Tom.

My man.

Okay, now, I guess I'll be going.

Unless someone would like to apologize for some ugly things she might have

What's going on here?

I told him he couldn't come to my wedding.

Oh, I must have missed something good.

I think Kate overreacted a bit.

Maybe you should reconsider.

Kirk looks so miserable and pathetic.

Yeah, what he did was stupid and inconsiderate and obnoxious. But hey,

just our Kirk.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I was a little too rough on him.

After all, we do go way back.

Yeah, I don't know what it is about poets, but they're a real turn -on.

Uh, Red?

What?

There once was a girl from Nantucket.

That is perfection.

You know what would set that off perfectly?

A little accessory, just something nice to dangle around that cute little waist

of yours.

Like what?

Like me.

Not in your wildest dreams.

Hey, Red, in my wildest dreams, you're taking a number.

Shall we?

I've been thinking, John. Huh? After the baby's born, well, I really need to get

back in shape. And there's this great health spa that I've been reading about.

It's called the... What are you, nuts? I can't afford to send you to some stupid

fat farm.

Read.

How are you two doing? Excellent, Andre. Excellent.

Thanks to you.

Good.

Now let's do our light breathing exercises.

Ready? And the contraction begins.

John, if I don't go to a spa, how do you expect me to get my figure back?

Wendy, we are not married anymore. Why should I care what you look like?

John... Will you breathe, damn it?

Very good.

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

Okay, I think that's enough for tonight.

Don't forget to practice on your own.

I'll see you all next week.

I know this may be out of line, but I was just wondering if you'd like to go

for a drink.

I really don't think Wendy should be drinking in her condition.

No, no, no. Of course she shouldn't.

Forget about Wendy. I was talking about you and me.

I've got two words for you.

Cold shower.

John.

I knew I shouldn't have brought you with me tonight.

John, we have to talk about this spot. No, we don't.

No, you are being totally unreasonable about the whole thing.

Now, I know that I wanted this baby and you didn't. And I know I left you for

another man.

And I know that you're financially strapped because you're supporting two

families, but be reasonable.

How much?

$1 ,400.

What? I don't care. I don't have that kind of money. What am I talking about?

don't have any kind of money.

So you can teach summer school or something. Now, look, Wendy.

I have been more than reasonable about all this.

I agreed to wear this stupid beeper. I even promised to babysit while you were

recuperating. I even clipped your toenails when you couldn't bend over.

I am not going to teach a bunch of miserable, sweating kids remedial

just to send you to some overpriced spa where you can meet a muscle -bound hunk

who will try to seduce you with carrot sticks and tofu in a hot tub.

I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have my pride.

I forgot you drove.

There you go, Judge.

Well, thank you very much. Listen, do you have any idea how much longer we're

going to have? Yeah, very soon. Very soon, I hope.

Did you ever think you'd see this day, huh? Kate getting married.

No, I had her pegged for a loser.

Well, John, we did it.

Not we did it, we did it on the right.

Did what?

First minutes.

Zim catch?

Well, we went up front and we tied tin cans to Mitch's police car.

That's hilarious, except Mitch didn't bring his police car.

Uh -oh.

Listen, I gotta go check on Kate. Would you do me a favor and make sure

everybody's entertained, please?

Oh, no problem.

Tom, would you be a dear and run down to the Rambler and get my accordion?

Don't worry, John.

We'll handle it. I think he just wanted us to mingle.

I know that.

I just wanted to get rid of Tom.

I'm thinking of making a move on the judge.

Look, I told you it wouldn't turn out right. This is awful.

Look at this. This is not right there.

Please, please. You look beautiful.

Just relax.

I'm trying. I'm trying, but I can't. Kate, Kate, Kate. Your hair is fine.

Everything looks fine. I just put on a little makeup and we can get going.

I have already put on my makeup.

Look, that's such a good job you did, too. Look at that.

Pay no mind to her, John. Kate convinced herself something's going to go wrong

with this wedding. Look, Kate, Kate, everything's going to be fine. Believe

Are you sure? Yes, I'm positive.

Oh,

Kate, be a beautiful wedding.

I know.

Stop it, stop it, stop it. Please, stop it. Look, there's one thing I pride

myself in, and that's being able to take charge and keep things under control.

Now, I'm a teacher.

I have to deal with a room full of kids who would rather be in prison than sit

in my classroom reading Voltaire.

Come on, just relax. Enjoy yourself.

Nothing's going to ruin this wedding. Nothing. Not while I'm around.

John, look, he's here.

Wendy.

I didn't mean to barge in, but if you give me a check for the health spa right

now, I can get a fantastic discount.

Wendy, we are having Kate's wedding here, and you're not invited.

I'm sorry, John, but I didn't know.

Give me a check, I'll be on my way. I'm not giving you anything.

Hey, John. Kirk!

Where's Kate? What the hell are you doing here? I'm here to stop the

John, I need that check. Where is she, John? I got something to get off my

chest. Stop, both of you. But I... Stop!

Is

something

wrong? No, no, no, nothing, nothing.

Everything's fine.

Listen,

Kate, you wanted a small wedding, didn't you?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

And what do you say I go outside... Get the judge and Mitch and bring them in

here, and we'll lock the door, and you and Mitch get married in the bathroom.

What do you say? What do you say?

I want you out.

of here. Wendy, I want you out of here. Just be a second.

Kirk! I'm not going anywhere. Oh, yes, you are.

Hey, please.

The last thing we want here is a scene.

Just stay calm.

Wendy, what the hell are you doing with my checkbook?

Well, I'm just helping you see now. All you have to do is sign it. Here. $1

,350.

Yeah, isn't it great? The health bar said they'd give me a discount if I paid

them by tomorrow.

In the kitchen. We've got to talk. Come on. In the kitchen. Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

Oh, come on. You can wobble faster than that.

I am not going to let you ruin this date for me. Now get out! I'm not going

anywhere till you call off this wedding.

Kirk, I swear I will kill you if you make me sweat in this wedding dress.

Too late.

Gotcha.

Mary Beth, I'm a little new to this group.

What are your New Year's Eve parties like?

I'm sorry, but I need to talk to my ex - Swipe along for just a minute. But I

was told to wait in the kitchen. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride

before the wedding. Oh, yeah? I never saw Wendy before our wedding, and look

where it got me.

I told you, I am not going anywhere. If you don't leave right now, Kirk, I...

Kate, what's the problem?

Now,

he's done it, Kirk.

Kate's upset enough without having you storm in here and make a shambles of her

big day. Yeah, but...

with the bride and have a good cry.

Hey, guys, come on. Me and Kate just had a little misunderstanding. That's all.

I say we break them in half.

You guys better be careful.

Kirk told me he has a black belt in karate.

Shut up, Annie.

New York City's finest, sweetest citizen with a deep psychological problem, so

be it.

Come on.

Psychological problem, my foot. Hey, don't tell me I don't have a

problem.

You would do if you'd gone through what I did.

I don't want to hear it. Right.

I'll never forget it.

I was driving through a small town in Iowa.

I was in Nebraska.

Whatever, somewhere near a lot of corn.

Anyway, I'm tooling down the highway, right? I'm on my way to Vandenberg Air

Force Base for this secret meeting with the president.

I spot this helpless little kid limping along the side of the road.

This old rusty pipe, he's using it as a crutch.

He tells me, He needs an operation on his leg, right? But he doesn't have the

money because his sister stole it from him because she wanted to have this big

fancy schmancy wedding.

Turns out, this chick would rather see her little brother hobbling around

dragging that useless leg than have to get married at City Hall.

What could I do?

I did what you guys would have done. I sold my Ferrari and I paid for his

operation.

But to this day, whenever I see a rusty pipe, or I hear the word wedding, I

just go crazy.

That is the dumbest story I ever heard.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me tell you something, my friend.

That poor, helpless kid with the bum leg was Bo Jackson.

That's it.

That's it. What? That's what? I told him not to play football.

What's wrong with Kurt?

Only Bo knows.

Made it myself.

Used nothing but water.

Well, I think it's beautiful, Ben, but why is the grain so much shorter than

brad?

Time is an ice sculpture's worst enemy.

You better excuse me. I gotta go pop Kate and little Mitch into the freezer.

Have a heart, Wendy. I can't give you $1 ,350.

My checking account is already overdrawn.

What's the difference? By the time the check bounces, I'll be beautiful.

No! Oh, shut up!

Sorry to interrupt, but I've got to stick this in the freezer. There's no

in there, Ben. Just leave it on the counter. It'll be fine.

Great. So it's come to this. Frozen tater tots are more important than art.

Come on, honey. You've got to get out of here. The wedding is about to begin.

Come on.

Let's go.

Excuse me, John.

Could we get things started? I have another wedding to perform this

Yes, of course. No problem, Your Honor. She was just leaving.

Oh, good. Okay. Now, everybody get seated. We're about to start.

What's wrong?

Just a little twinge.

Wendy, I'm warning you. This is a wedding, not a twinging.

Don't worry. I'm all going to be okay. Sit over here. Sit over here and rest

just a minute. Just a minute. Don't worry, John.

We'll take care of her. Thank you.

No funny business, Wendy. No funny business.

Where's Kirk?

Mitch and Mort took him outside.

They said they're going to break his leg.

Ah, good.

Now, you've got to get a grip on yourself.

I'm trying, I'm trying, but I just know something else is going to happen.

Nothing else is going to happen. That's what I keep telling her. I'm sorry, but

I just can't get that scene from The Graduate out of my head.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you know, the one where Catherine Ross is about to get married when Dustin

Hoffman starts pounding on the glass door before she and the groom have a

to say I do? She leaves that poor jerk just standing at the altar.

Now Catherine Ross and Dustin Hoffman are big stars and nobody even remembers

that poor jerk then.

You're losing your mind.

time to go. Go where? Go where? Go where?

To the living room, the living room, the living room.

It's time for your wedding.

Well, of course it is. Now, let's go.

God help us.

All right, we're ready.

Who gives this bride away?

I do.

We're gathered here today to witness the marriage of Kate and Mitch.

If there's anyone present who objects to this union, please speak now or forever

hold your peace.

Do you, Kate, take Mitch to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Mitch, take cake?

No,

Wendy. No, Wendy, no.

Oh, God, John.

I think it's time.

No, Wendy. No, Wendy, no.

Oh, Bill, look what you've done, John.

Please don't do this to me. Hey, you want to go to that spa?

I'll write you the check. John.

Told you she was fast.

Does anybody here know anything about delivering a baby?

I helped deliver a horse once.

I don't think so, Bill.

I delivered a baby in my squad car. Good. Now you're it. No, no, no. Wait.

Kate, please. I've got to help you. Not before you say I do.

Kate, I... Who's got the rings, Mitch?

I do. You heard him. He said I do. I do. I do.

God,

I hope you know what you're doing. Me too.

If it's any help, when the baby's coming out, be careful of its hooves.

Feet.

I need a drink.

Bowl of water.

Relax, relax, relax. Now, breathe.

Oh, John, you... Look at you. This is all your fault.

Me? You're the one who wanted this baby, not me.

Ow! That was only ten seconds between contractions. Help!

Action.

Shallow breathing. Shallow breathing.

Oh, I'm gonna get you for this. Oh, shut up and hee -hee.

you guys are right.

I was getting upset about nothing.

Mitch and I are going to look back on this day and laugh.

I mean, this is not your typical run -of -the -mill wedding.

Actually, I should consider myself lucky.

Kirk is out on the ledge.

Now he is. Don't do anything stupid.

He could fall and kill himself. Go away.

Gotcha.

Why are you making my life so miserable?

If you marry Mitch, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life,

You are. You're not in love with him. And you know it.

I can't. Red, what happens tomorrow morning when you wake up and you realize

guy sleeping next to you is in me?

I am not going to let Mitch ruin what we got going.

What do I say?

I love you.

Someone tell her to keep it down. She's ruining my moment.

You love me? Yeah, I do. I just realized it.

Oh, Kirk, you don't love me. Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't.

You just think you do.

You like to hit on me because you know I'll never take you up on it. I'm safe.

And I guess I enjoyed turning you down.

It's like we've got this little... game going.

Only now you're afraid of losing me and the game will be over.

So you're saying that this is all game and that I don't really love you?

Yeah.

But I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to find out how much you care

about me.

I'm flattered, Kirk. I really am.

But it's not love, love. It's friend love.

You've just never had a woman as a friend before, so you don't know the

difference.

So, uh... Come on, let's just be friends. What do you say?

Yeah, okay.

On one condition.

What's that?

When your husband goes away, I get to whisper dirty little nothings in your

Kirk, you are a dirty little nothing.

Just like old... I love it.

Relax, relax, relax, relax. Just relax.

I am relaxed.

It's going to be any time now.

Oh, hi. I don't believe we've met.

I'm Wendy.

Mitch.

By the way, Wendy, you're fully dilated. Oh, thank you, Mitch. You're welcome.

Now, push.

Yeah, Wendy, push.

I know, push. He just told me to push. I don't need you telling me to push. Now,

look. I just spent the last two months in that stupid Lamaze class learning how

to say push. And I'm damn well going to say push. Now, push!

Kate.

Yes, Judge Humphrey. I'm sorry. I am not going to be able to wait here any

longer. Leave and I'll kill you.

Wendy, Wendy. What?

Remember what they taught us in class? Just concentrate on something pleasant.

Okay. Okay.

I just soaked in a hot tub.

And I've had an herbal wrap. Yes.

And now I'm getting a full body massage.

Yes,

I'm being totally pampered at that beautiful health spa that I'm never

get to go to because you're such a cheap, selfish pedigree.

Good. Now listen to the pig and push.

We're getting close.

Did you hear that, Wendy? We're getting close.

Cutie. Well, Daddy, you got yourself a baby girl.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's Wendy's. It's hers.

She's the one that wanted it.

A little baby girl?

Oh, a little baby girl?

Say hello to Daddy.

By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband

and wife. You may kiss the bride now, if you'll excuse me.

Touch

that

bouquet and die!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Look, put the phone to the baby's ear.

What could just eat you up?

You better cool it with those 976 numbers.

What? She was smiling. She was really smiling.

Well, kiss the baby goodnight for me. Oh, and Wendy, if the baby needs

anything at all, just give me a call.

What?

Out of the question.

I'm not forking out $1 ,400 for that baby to go to a fat farm.

Oh, adorable.

I can't wait for you to see my little Emily.

Oh, is that why you decided to name her? Well, actually, Wendy named her Joan.

I'm going to call her Emily.

I see a lot of therapy ahead for this kid.

Wow, that's so sweet, Kirk. I had no idea you and Kate were such good

Oh, what, are you kidding me? Kate and I are tight.

Yeah, what we have is very, very special. We really bonded.

Our friendship is based on sincerity and mutual respect, which, incidentally, I

now have for all women.

Wow, that's awesome. Oh, it's given me a whole new perspective on the female

race.

And, needless to say, it's put me in touch with my feminine side. You know,

inner Kirk.

If you will, the, uh, Alan Allday in me.

Wow, that's deep.

I cannot...

speak for all men, but I know this man needs more than one woman friend to bond

with. So I was thinking, if you weren't doing anything later, maybe you'd come

over to my place and I could help you search for your feminine side.

Well, that's never going to happen.

No wonder Alan Alden never scores.

Hey, guys. Get over here and look at these pictures of John.

This is her right after we got her home from the hospital.

Did you ever see such a round, beet -red face?

Look how puffy her eyes are.

Oh, and just look at that little smushed head.

Yeah, she looks just like her mother.

Sure brings back memories.

Don't tell me you spent your honeymoon there.

Better. I ran the game room.

Coming up next, it's an all -new Reasonable

Doubts, and Vicki and Tess must face a hit -and -run killing that leads right

their boss.

And Sunday night, who's Harry Crumb? He's a man of a thousand faces, but only

half a brain.

John Candy stars in the network premiere of Who's Harry Crumb? Sunday night on

NBC.