Original subtitles

So for the past three nights... I

haven't had more than an hour's sleep. As soon as I get to

bed, the little tyke will wake me up with his coughing. I go in, give Nigel

medicine, rock him back to sleep, tiptoe back to bed.

And as soon as I got there, I... have a coughing fit, which of course would

wake Nigel up and the whole thing would start all over again. Now the little

stink has fired and I'm a wreck.

Men.

I was talking about my child.

I know, and I was thinking about men.

Now, why don't you let me take Nigel tomorrow and you can spend the whole day

taking care of yourself?

Oh, Kate, I wouldn't dream of imposing.

Oh, come on. I love Nigel. It'll be like being a mommy for a day.

Well, all right. Thanks, Kate.

Oh, I just love babies.

They're so adorable and cuddly.

I just can't wait to have one of my own.

But, Kate, I must warn you.

Children can be a real nuisance. The crying, the chasing after them, the

changing their diapers, the wiping the drool off their chins.

Well, maybe I'll just get a puppy.

Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

So, they decided to promote me.

You're looking at the new equipment supervisor down at the Lincoln Tunnel.

Now every time the exact change machine gets jammed, it's my job to go over and

kick it.

God day, I am totally stressed out.

Well, I guess that's just the price you pay when you're the head honcho of a

major corporation.

Oh, God, of all nights to show up early.

My card?

Cuisine by Kirk Catering. Kirk Morris, Chief Executive Officer.

about running a catering business.

I did my homework.

There's only two things you gotta know.

No person ejects and keep the clam dip out of the sun.

So what kind of cuisine will you specialize in?

Italian, French, Cajun? We can do anything. That's why I hired an

chef. She'll do whatever I tell her. If I say flambe, she says, how hot?

Hey, folks.

If you think I'm...

got another think coming. Now get your butt out here.

Well, looks like somebody just lost their Christmas bonus.

Oh, Louise, would you like a little more tea with honey?

Oh, thanks, Kate.

I better get over this cold soon. I want to be well when Nigel gives me the flu.

when I just couldn't shake. My doctor made me spend four whole days in bed.

I had a doctor who made me do that.

Best optometrist I ever had.

And believe me, I've had a few.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist.

Spending the weekend with Matthew, are we? Yeah, I just can't wait to see that

kid. I had to cancel our plans last weekend.

That explains your shopping spree at Guilty Father's, are us.

Oh, no, no, there's no guilty here. I just got him a few things he needs.

Like six cans of silly string?

Different people have different needs.

So, John, not to pry, but how...

Paddling the news that Wendy is having your baby.

Fine, fine.

Why do you people ask me the same thing every week?

I have no problem with Matthew.

It's all a big deal. My ex -wife is pregnant, and I'm the father.

And you don't think that's unusual?

Well, maybe a bit.

A bit?

John, this would be unusual on Geraldo.

Not really.

Yesterday he had on a set of Siamese twins who were born a week apart.

unusual part.

One's a Virgo and one's a Libra.

Look, I told you, there is really no problem.

Matthew's a perfectly happy kid.

He can't wait to have a little baby brother or sister that he can pick on.

Believe me, he's looking forward to this baby more than I am.

Don't tell me America isn't the land of opportunity.

Denise just got off the phone with this guy whose daughter is getting married

next week. And get this. Their caterer just got sucked into a pasta machine.

Did we lock down or what?

What is he talking about?

Oh, you've missed the latest, John. Our very own Kirk.

and Denise have started a catering company.

Oh, Kirk, you can't be serious. You and Denise are actually going to cater a

wedding? Jack, don't worry. We're not going to risk giving our paying

indigestion. That's why next Sunday we're going to try out our recipes on a

group of people who don't really matter.

So what time's good for you guys?

You are nice.

Real nice.

Okay? I guess I'll just go tell Denise that her so -called friends have turned

their backs on her.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

That poor woman is trying to work her way out of the ghetto.

Kirk, she lives across the street from me.

Enough said.

Okay, I'm going to go now.

I am going to go break that poor woman's heart.

I know if the situation were reversed and we needed Kirk's help and support,

that... Well, maybe we should go anyway.

Oh, all right. For Denise's sake, I'll go.

If I'm not on my deathbed.

You're not having anything to do with the cooking, are you, Kirk? I'm not

lifting a ladle.

Okay, tell Denise I'll be there.

Molly has to work, but you can count me in. Uh, listen, Kirk, um...

I would really like to be there, but I'm afraid I'm busy.

Wild weekend, huh, John? No, no, no, nothing like that. No, I'm going to

it with my son.

Oh, well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, John, but for you, that is a

wild weekend.

Oh, okay, and you guys, remember, there's going to be plenty of food

when you show up at Denise's, be good and hungry.

I don't mean to be rude, Kirk, but you're not having turtle soup, are you?

didn't plan on it. Good.

If my turtle smells out on my breath, he'll give me that look again.

Dad.

Hey, Matthew, what are you doing?

Conservation, trying to save the planet. Oh, yes, right. Thanks for reminding

me. Weren't you always the one who told me not to waste water?

Yeah, but this is hot water. They tell you to save cold water.

You never heard anybody tell you to save hot water.

Now what are you doing?

Getting ready to shave.

Shave what?

You've got nothing but peach fuss.

I don't care what it is. Nina says my beard tickles her when we slow dance.

Oh, Nina.

Who is this Nina?

I main squeeze.

Thirteen years old?

You got a main squeeze?

Don't start it. No, no, no, no, no. I can't help it. I'm just proud of you.

When I was thirteen years old, my main squeeze was a pimple.

Oh, you think that's gross? How about this?

I used to have a lot of fun with your

grandfather while he was shaving.

Yeah, we used to have this argument over who the best center fielder was, Mantle

or Maze.

I'd say Mantle, he'd say Maze.

Maze, Mantle, Mantle, Maze.

Your grandmother settled the argument. She'd say, shut up!

I'll always remember those times.

You'll always remember these times, too.

What?

Here, get over here, you tiny little person.

My eye!

My eye!

Oh, oh, Matthew, I'm really sorry. Are you okay?

That's us!

I give up!

I give up!

Spider -Man!

Yeah!

Dad, don't make me go home. I want to stay here with you.

Hey, come on. Why would you want to live here?

It's a cramped one -bedroom apartment with an old couch and a tiny kitchen.

Air conditioning is always going on the blink.

The elevator is always getting stuck every other day.

Hey, wait a minute. Why am I living here?

Dad. Come on.

What about your friends at home?

Aren't you going to miss your friends?

What about Nina, your main squeeze?

There is no Nina.

I just wanted you to let me shave.

Oh.

Look, Matthew.

I know we had a great weekend together.

I don't blame you for not wanting it to end, but... As much as this hurts to

tell you this, it's just not possible for you to live here full time.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, I got to work every day.

I can take care of myself.

Matthew, I know it's rough for you at home now with your mother being pregnant

and all.

She may get a little, you know, cranky and she may lose her patience, but she

really needs you there.

Really.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, sure. I get it, Dad.

Good.

Okay, get dressed.

I'm going to take you for the best lunch you ever had.

Nothing healthy, I promise.

God, you're home. We need to borrow your kitchen.

Denise, I thought you were cooking at your place. Didn't you hear the siren?

had this small grease fire.

Kirk's cone fell on one of the burners.

Wait, wait, wait, Kirk, Kirk. This is not a good time.

All right.

Oh, guys, make yourselves at home. Soup's on in 20 minutes. No, no, no,

Kirk. 20 minutes?

You told me to show up hungry.

Ralph is so excited about this gourmet brunch. He hasn't eaten in two days. A

cracker wouldn't kill you to give me one lousy...

I'm getting my appetite back.

Kate taking Nigel yesterday was just the rest I needed. I feel smashing.

Yeah, but Louise.

Hot milk, everybody.

Yeah, duck, duck.

Kate, how are you feeling?

Better.

I just caught a little sniffle from Nigel yesterday, but it's nothing.

Nothing? This could be walking pneumonia.

You should be at home right now, in bed.

All of you.

this close to getting a radish.

John, is it okay if we borrow your, uh... Never mind.

Oh, why me?

So, Kate, tell me. How was it babysitting Nigel yesterday?

Oh, you know, I never realized how much energy a two -year -old has.

I just put him down for a second. He was off and running. That...

Like when he spilled his grape juice on my new white rug.

And he just laughed and laughed and laughed.

Oh, I know that love.

Well, sounds like you two had quite a day.

Oh, no, it was fun.

Well, okay, the occasional mishap here and there, but that's to be expected

you're dealing with kids, right?

Then how about taking Nigel again next Saturday?

I'd love to, but I'm having my tubes tied.

Why don't you say something sooner, John? Guys, John's having a little

with his kids, so he'd like us out of here. Yeah, thanks for understanding,

Chris. So when I start serving, eat fast.

I'm getting my watch for an olive.

Chuck, what's wrong with Matthew?

Oh, uh, Wendy's been so preoccupied with her pregnancy that she's been

neglecting him. So now he wants to move in here with me.

What'd you tell him? Well, I had to tell him no.

So now he's back there sulking.

John, you can't let him stay in the bedroom all alone sulking.

I don't know why not. I do it every night.

Yeah, I better go check on him.

So, pal, we feeling better? Matthew!

Matthew, get off the fire escape.

What do you think you're doing?

You could get hurt.

Was it to you you don't want me here?

Matthew, I know you're upset with your mother, but that's no reason for you to

run away.

I'm not mad at Mom. I'm mad at you. I hate you.

Matthew, what do I do?

Matthew, open the door.

I want to talk to you.

Say something.

Go away.

Okay, that's a start.

I turn it off first.

I couldn't help myself. That green glop spinning around in there looks so good.

Are you ready for this?

It's not Wendy Matthews mad at. It's me.

Oh, I'm happy.

Did he say why he's mad at you? No. He won't even talk to me. He locked himself

in the bathroom. He won't come out.

Matthew, please let me in.

Oh, if you won't talk to me, you won't talk to anybody.

Yo, Matt.

Scarp.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse.

John, maybe it would be... Maybe it's best

if we leave.

Maybe it's best if we leave.

Wait, now we have to leave.

I gotta call their stupid catering... company, McFammon.

Don't you think one of us should go in there and tell Denise that we're going

have to take a rain check on the porch? Yeah, yeah, I'll tell her. I'll tell

her. I'll tell her.

She's just got to understand that this is just not a good day.

And if she can't understand that, she's just going to have to live with it.

Uh, Denise?

Wow. I had no idea this catering jazz was so tough. I've been up since six

morning working on this meal. I've been slicing, I've been dicing, I've been

chopping, but it's worth it. I just can't...

to watch you people enjoy the best meal you've ever had.

Now, what did you want, John?

The dinner plates are in the cabinet by the fridge.

Thanks.

John?

Me and pork.

Bedroom. Pronto.

All right, now, tell me, what's going on with my kid?

Relax. He's fine. He just wants me to represent him in this matter.

Here.

Sign this.

My son wants me to sign a piece of toilet paper and you say he's fine?

It's a prenatal agreement.

Prenatal agreement?

A list of demands guaranteeing that all the rights and privileges of the party

of the first pot, that's Matthew, will remain intact after the birth of the

party of the second pot, that's the baby.

that resulted from the party that you and Wendy had.

What are you talking about? What rights and privileges?

The right.

The right to see you on weekends. The right to have you at all his soccer

The right for you to loan $100 to his Uncle Kirk at any time.

Okay, so the third one's negotiable.

Matt, we have to talk.

Alone. I would advise against it.

I go, Matt, if you need me, I'll be close by.

All right, Matt, help me out here, will you?

I thought you were okay about the baby.

You and Mom are divorced. You're not supposed to be having another baby.

Yeah, I know. But this is something very special that your mother wanted.

Miss Shee, it really meant a lot to her that you have a real brother or sister.

Understand?

This is so weird.

Yeah, I know it's weird.

Your mother knows it's weird. We all know it's weird.

Look, I'm not going to kid you.

I'm going to have feelings for this baby.

I mean, it's only natural.

It's part of me.

But there's one thing I can guarantee you.

Those feelings will never, ever get between you and me.

You mean it? Yes, of course I do.

Then sign this.

I can't. Why not?

Well, I'm only human.

I mean, I can't promise never to miss one of your soccer games.

Or promise... That we'll never cancel a weekend?

Or promise that I'll always show up at one of your school plays?

Boy, for a pep talk, this really bites.

Matthew, I can promise you that I will always love you.

Always.

That's the best I can do.

You ought to be more careful with that thing.

Come on, let's go pig out.

Hey, everybody. Look who's here.

Oh, hi, man.

So, how are things?

Better. Yeah.

We had a little chat.

Boy, Matthew, that food smells delicious.

Ooh, it'll be out any minute. Kirk just went in to help Denise serve.

What?

To the deli.

Why? They said they're going to wash it off.