Original subtitles

Man, just because this is the last night, people out there are walking off

everything that isn't nailed down.

What happened to respect for property around here?

Hey, Ralph, what are you doing here?

Packing up the truck so we can turn it back in.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I could use that for my classroom.

I know that they've been talking about closing down the community center

of a lack of funds.

You'd think that when they did, they'd give us more than three days' notice.

Yeah. I feel like I'm being thrown out on the streets. I hate that.

And don't ever let Kirk take you backstage to meet his good buddy,

If you think we feel bad, think of how Louise must feel.

She tried everything she could to keep this place open.

Petitions, surveys, letters.

Oh, she even wrote to the city to try to get the senator to declare it a

historical landmark.

After the war, the Marines tried to do that to the backseat of my Jeep.

What happened to that landmark thing?

Well, it got us for a Truman. Mrs. Fillmore, please.

I guess there's nothing to do now except decide where we're going to hold our

meetings from now on. Why don't we take turns using each other's homes?

If you want, we can hold all the meetings at my place.

You think Molly's going to want all of us over there every week? Hey, hey, hey.

I'm the man of the house. I make the rules.

If you want to have the meeting at my place every Friday night, then that's

way it's going to be, whether Molly likes it or not.

Maybe we should change the meetings to Thursday.

No, we gotta keep it Friday. That's Molly's bowling night.

Greetings, fellow one -to -one club members.

Kirk, we're gonna be meeting in each other's houses from now on, so if we get

a bind, can we use your place?

You do have a place, don't you?

Of course I got a place, but I might be moving to Fifth Avenue once my pants

take off.

What are you talking about?

Feast your eyes on my new line of jeans.

K -Buns!

Yeah,

go ahead and laugh.

But as soon as I get financing, you're going to see these babies in every store

in America.

Trust me, Red. You'd be as thrilled to get into a pair of my jeans as I would

to get into yours.

Trust me, Kirk.

You'd have a better chance of getting into the Taj Mahal with a dead cow under

your arm.

Hey, Kirk, what do you know about designing clothes?

You barely know how to wear them. Well, I'll have you know that I happen to be

responsible for developing, as a favor to a friend, the marketing strategy for

the hottest line of clothing in stores today.

No kidding?

What line of clothing is that?

Guess.

Calvin Klein?

No, Ralph.

Guess.

Bugle boy?

No, Ralphie. The name of the line of clothing is guess.

Forget it, Tom. You guess. I'm not in the mood for this.

God, I'm going to miss this place.

This is where I got my life back together again after my divorce.

Yeah, me too.

Well, here in Bloomingdale's.

What it is? Silly me!

You're on in the proverbial dumps because the community center's closing

tonight. Well, I'll fix that.

Louise, what are you doing?

Oh, I know what you're thinking, Mary Beth.

I swear, I do believe that poor woman has hired one too many mid -jewel lips.

And I know what you're thinking, Kirk.

I wasn't thinking anything.

Precisely.

Louise, I don't get it. What's the... Well, John, sometimes when things seem

darkest, they have a way of changing for the better. Take my childhood friend

Agnes, for example. When she was 19, she entered a beauty contest to select Miss

Chichester. Agnes was leading the competition until the final day when

struck. The strap on her swimsuit snapped and left her topless in front of

judges.

from the Miss Chichester contest.

So the girl in second place was declared the winner.

Oh, the poor thing.

Not at all.

The next day, one of the judges called Agnes and proposed to her. So you see,

everything worked out splendidly.

Agnes became a wife and I became...

You're really serious about this, aren't you? I certainly am.

Well, I'm off to a very important meeting with two friends of mine who

power, the resources, and the will to save these hallowed halls.

Ralph, would you be a dear and help me get a taxi? Perhaps if the driver sees

your badge, he'll think you're a policeman and stop.

Impressionate a cop?

All right, Louise, I just hope I can pull it off.

is a lot of money. Who are these people? I'll explain everything later when we

meet at Clancy's. Now, put on your party hats and put those coffee cups back

where they belong because the one -to -one club will be meeting at the

center for years.

I admire women who take charge.

You admire women who take cash.

Excuse me.

Hello. Yeah. My name is Florence Kellum. Is Louise here? Oh, you just missed

her. Yeah. Oh, darn. I just stopped by to give Louise my phone number so we can

keep in touch. Now that the center's closing, could you give this to her for

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

I love Louise. She was so helpful to me when we were in Meadowbrook together.

Meadowbrook? Meadowbrook.

Isn't that that psychiatric hospital that they advertise on TV?

Yeah. I'm sure she's told you all about it. About what?

Uh -oh.

Forget what I just said.

Forget you ever saw me. I was never here.

Did I hear right?

Did she say that Louise was in a mental hospital?

Well, it was nothing serious. Louise just had a little problem.

How do you know?

rest of us.

Well, Louise and I are very close.

Louise and I are close, too.

Mary Beth, she let me see her without makeup.

Say no more.

How do you like that? Our group leader was a foot soldier in the Lone Plateau.

Oh, shut up, Kirk. You know, besides, it's none of your business.

Yeah, I think it is our business.

I mean, Louise is our friend, too.

Now, tell me exactly what happened.

Tell us all.

Well, okay. It was right after her marriage broke up.

Her husband left her and Louise had a hard time coping with it. Poor thing.

She must have been really down.

Oh, no. Just the opposite.

She was up. She became manic.

She felt like she could accomplish anything. She was this ball of... In

words, just like the Louise we saw five minutes ago.

Oh, no, no, this was different.

She was way over the edge. She had this big plan to save her marriage.

She went to the British embassy to get help from her best friend, the Queen of

England. The Queen of England?

And when the embassy refused to let Louise in, she had to admit it was all a

delusion.

So she crashed, went into this deep depression, and that's when she checked

herself into Meadowbrook.

I wonder if this could be happening again.

Oh, come on. Oh, think about it.

She lost her husband, so she went to get help from her best friend, the Queen of

England. Now she's losing the community center, so she's going to get help from

mysterious millionaires.

Sounds like all Louise is on the road to another Meadowbrook moment.

Oh, will you people stop it?

Now, what happened to Louise happened a long time ago.

She doesn't have delusions anymore. If Louise says...

She's getting a half a million dollars from some friends. I believe her.

Hey, everybody, guess what?

Louise told me who those people are who are going to give her the money.

Who?

Her good friends, Mishka the munchkin and Natasha the tattooed lady.

Munchkins, tattooed ladies.

Maybe we should go and look for Louise.

We don't even know where she went.

I can't believe she's going through this again.

I'm going to go call her house and see if her babysitter's heard from her.

Maybe you people are surprised about Louise, but not me.

Personally, I always suspected her clutch was slipping.

Although,

come to think of it, there was that time when she came in looking like Little

Red Riding Hood.

Cruz, what normal person would have a hairdo like that?

Yeah, what about that night she went totally berserk on me for no good

Kirk, ever since you've come to this group, you've been a constant source of

discontent and disruption.

You're an offensive, self -centered, pig -headed bore from the top of your head

down to the tips of your ugly shoes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody, but nobody, talks that way about my

shoes.

I still have nightmares about that night.

Yeah, well, you're not the only one that she flipped out on. What about that

time she got all bent out of shape?

Just because I lost your baby.

someone can be going to pieces right in front of you and you never even notice.

Yeah.

Oh, well, her babysitter hasn't heard from her. Yeah, well, relax, relax,

relax, Kate.

We just have to think positive thoughts.

John's right.

I just hope on the way to meet the tattooed lady in the munchkin, she

get mugged by the tin man.

Oh, he just called from his plane. He's so sorry, but he got delayed.

Oh, dear.

But he said not to worry. He has you checked with him. Just let me know where

you will be tonight, and he will bring it to you.

God bless both of you. Half a million times over, you were my last hope.

Thank you, Louise.

And it's the least we can do. You brought us into the community center.

And if it weren't for the English courses Mishka took, my little munchkin

never have become this success he is today. And we'd still be struggling with

this filthy, stinking circus.

Do you have time for some tea?

Oh, a spot would be delightful. I can't get over how good you look.

Oh, well, can I keep a secret?

I just had my flags lifted.

I can't make it to the party.

Party? What party?

Didn't you hear?

Louise is getting the guy to donate a cool half a million to save this place.

a bunch of people from the center are going to go over to Clancy's bar, have a

couple drinks, and watch Louise present the check to Councilman Riley.

Wait a minute.

How is she going to get Councilman Riley to come down to Clancy's?

That's easy.

The hard part is getting that sucker to leave.

Oh, no.

Now she's inviting city officials.

We'd better go to Clancy. She's going to need us. Yeah.

We'd better hurry.

Right now, Louise could be giving no meaning to the term happy hour.

Will you call me later and tell me what happens?

Miss Philbert, you can't come with us?

Well, it's getting kind of late.

I'm just going to take my hat and my noise maker and go home.

Okay, big guy, let's go.

coming, especially you, Councilman Riley.

So just enjoy yourselves, because any moment now, Mishka will be here with a

check for $500 ,000!

I could be wrong, but I think we just might be a little too late.

Looks like it's time for plan B.

Plan B? What's plan B? Simple.

You go over there and grab Louise while I created the version by grabbing that

blonde over there.

Since we have a little time, why don't I tell you a little bit about our two

benefactors? Mishka the Munchkin and Natasha the Tattooed Lady came

to New York as members of the Moscow Circus. John, do something.

They fell in love with America and decided to defect.

riding in a bear costume.

Fortunately, they'd thought ahead, and Natasha had a map of the New York subway

system tattooed on her inner thigh.

Will you excuse us? That was beautiful, wasn't it?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I was in the middle of a very moving story.

Yes, I know.

I always say, keep them wanting more.

Louise, I really think we should go.

Kate, you can go home if you want to. I'm not leaving till Mishka gets here

the check.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just powder my nose.

I'll go with her. Yeah, good idea. Oh, John, would you keep an eye out for

Mishka? You'll know him when you see him. He's only about this tall.

This tall? Right, yes, got it.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Excuse me, can I have your attention, please? Can I have your attention?

I'd like to make an announcement.

Please.

Yo, people, put a pretzel in it.

I just received some bad news.

It seems that despite Louise Mercer's courageous efforts, the gentleman who

going to donate the money has changed his mind.

So, uh, yeah, regretfully, I have to suggest that you go back to the center

pack up your things before they put a lock on the door.

Okay, I'm sorry, but, uh, yeah, thanks.

Yeah, bye.

Hey,

uh, shouldn't y 'all be going, too? Your group might need your help.

Group? We're fraternity. Oh, well, didn't you know?

It's free beer night down at Tintori's.

Whoa!

Yes!

until you meet me.

Where is everybody?

Why did everybody leave?

Well, they left because... Well, they're all gone because I had to tell them the

truth, Louise.

What truth?

The truth, Louise.

No one is going to save the community center.

Well, that's ridiculous. I've got to get to the town.

It's okay, Louise. I really think we should take you home.

I can't go home. Oh, don't worry.

We'll take turns staying with you.

the clock. Do you feel better?

Absolutely. What are you talking about?

We know about the time you spent at Meadowbrook.

Oh.

Well, your friend Florence Kellum stopped by after you left.

And I told him the rest.

Yeah. We know all about the Queen of England.

And Miska the Munchkin.

Not to mention his tattooed ball and chain.

all think I'm having some sort of manic delusion. Well, some friends you are.

That's why I never told you about my stay in Meadowbrook. You think just

I had an emotional problem and spent a short time in a psychiatric hospital

I'm crazy?

That pretty much sums it up.

It does, does it? Well, I'll tell you something.

Calm,

calm, calm, calm yourself.

We all care about you, Louise.

You're just going to have to face... Look, look, Louise.

For your own good, you're going to have to face reality.

Louise, please.

Look, Louise, please, please, understand.

There is no millionaire munchkin. John?

Please, let me finish, let me finish.

Louise, look, you're just going to have to deal with this, Louise.

In the past two and a half years...

The one -to -one club, thanks to you, has made a very big difference in each

every one of our lives. It can continue to make a difference.

Or maybe we'll have to get together in each other's homes once in a while. Or

maybe we'll find another place to hold our meetings.

You understand?

Please, Kirk, please.

It's time to leave Oz and come back to Kansas. Because no matter how hard you

wish or how many times you click your heels together, there's just no way a

munchkin's going to walk in here and hand you a check for half a million

dollars.

Kirk, will you please?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else.

Hey,

Louise.

Hello, mister.

Here is your check.

Thank you. My pleasure, dear.

Well, John?

Well, Louise?

You know what they say.

There's no place like home.