Original subtitles

By the time...

only for a studio audience.

No, I didn't mean Molly was dead dead. I meant dead like out of my

life. Oh, for crying out loud.

Yeah. I guess it's like you guys said. I'm better off without her.

Oh, that's good, Jonas.

We were really worried.

Oh, so don't forget, everybody.

Next Wednesday night, 6 .30, cocktail party at my place so you can all meet

I can't wait to meet her, John. Yeah, I gotta tell you, she's the best thing

that's happened to me in a long time.

I just wish that sometimes she would forget that she's a periodontist. You

because the other night at the movies, in the middle of this real hot love

scene, she leans over and whispers in my ear, Michelle Pfeiffer has a bad bite.

By the way, Jan has a terrific bite.

Yeah, sure is great to have a woman that cares about you, isn't it, John?

Yeah.

Not that lonely old me would know.

Oh,

Ralph, you're still heartbroken over Molly, aren't you?

Don't worry.

You'll find somebody else to love you. Of course you will. It takes time.

You just have to have patience.

God, do you have to have patience.

That place was the pits. I'm never letting you pick the restaurant again.

Man, I would kill... for a cigarette.

Jackie, will you just chill out?

What are you trying to say, that I'm irritable? I wish. You said goodbye to

irritable miles ago.

You're just mad because I won't sleep with you.

Will you cool it, please? I have a reputation to protect here.

People around here think of me as, you know, a sexual god.

People like who?

People like me.

It's starting to get on my nerves. Well, maybe you'd like it if I just

disappeared. Maybe I would. Then maybe I will. Fine. Good.

I know this doesn't have anything to do with our group, but I have something I

have to talk to you about. I'm sorry I'm late. Hello, Kurt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Louise, maybe I can help you.

Did you file a return?

Of course I did.

In that case, I can't help you.

Louise, don't worry about it.

Everything's going to work out fine. Just relax.

Yeah. All you have to do is go down there with an air of confidence, dressed

a simple yet dignified outfit. Maybe a string of pearls, nothing flashy.

Just show the auditor your receipts and tell him you have nothing to hide.

If that doesn't work, lose the bra.

What have we here?

Size six beige pumps.

Those are my receipts. I know.

And you have the smallest feet I've audited all day.

Please, just relax.

Oh, I can't help it. I'm just too nervous.

Well, don't be.

Try to keep a positive attitude.

Now, shall we take a look at this little return of yours, huh?

Nothing. It's nothing.

Oh,

it appears.

is that we have an LKW -147K. Oh, my God, what's that? What's going to happen

me? I'm just a single mother who works her fingers to the bone to raise a small

child. I am not a criminal.

Am I?

No, no, of course you're not. In fact, according to my calculations,

we owe you $467.

sense of humor.

You mean I can't?

No. Of course you can.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Look, I hope you won't think that I'm being forward or taking advantage of my

position, Miss Mercer, but I would love to have dinner with you tonight.

Call me Walter, Miss Mercer.

Louise.

And I'd love to have dinner with you, Walter.

Great. We'll celebrate your refund.

Now, where would you like to go, Louise? Well, call me old -fashioned, but I

always think it's the man's place to make that decision.

Good. Then I'll decide.

Now, would you like me to decide on Italian, Mexican, French?

How about Chinese?

Settle. If you want Chinese, that's my decision. We'll go Chinese.

Oh, I just love a man who takes charge.

So, Cantonese or Mandarin?

Surprise me.

I'll try.

Now, I have your address there. What time would you like me to pick you up?

Eight o 'clock.

That would have been my choice.

Louise, I have a feeling that our meeting today was kismet.

Well... This has been quite an afternoon. Not only am I getting a

met a most charming gentleman.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this evening, Walter.

Not half as much as I am.

Louise?

Well, uh, ta -ta. Oh, I almost forgot.

God bless you!

Hey, look, I'm sorry you can't come up.

Well, you have to live with your grandmother.

I do not live with my grandmother. She's just visiting me.

All right, you want to come up, come up.

No, forget it.

Good night.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, okay.

Look, what is your problem?

You're my problem. I love you and I want to live with you.

Yeah?

Well, I love you and I want to live with you too.

You play frisbee? I can't tell you how many people just walk up to me and say,

where did you find him? He's adorable.

Jan, cut it out.

I'm blushing.

I was telling him about my Doberman.

I'm sorry.

Louise, I'm sorry. I forgot to ask. How did your audit come out?

Swimmingly. I even got a refund.

A refund. No kidding. That's great.

You really stuck it to those jerks down at the IRS.

Get what's coming to them.

Actually, Walter here did my audit.

Don't you think I knew that?

More wine, anyone?

Oh, Kate.

I'd like you to meet Danny and Donnie. Donnie. Danny.

Whatever.

This is Kate McCarron.

Hi, it's nice meeting both of you.

Mary Beth, would you excuse us for just a moment, please?

Mary Beth, I appreciate what you're trying to do by bringing two guys to the

party, but I don't want you to worry about me because I'm okay.

Oh, that's good.

Because I don't want to offer you one until I can tell them apart.

Oh, and this must be Jan.

Yeah. Hi, Jan. Jan, could I talk to you in the bedroom for a minute? I've got a

problem. A big problem. No, no, no. Hold it, Kirk.

I have a rule.

I don't allow myself to be dragged into a bedroom by a man with a problem.

Come on, Jan, please. All right, all right. I'll be right in, okay? I've got

put out some more wine for my guests.

Oh, Tom, would you mind getting me another glass of club soda, please?

Tom's very quiet, isn't he, Mrs. Philbert?

That's the way I like him.

I've had my share of screamers.

Great party, John.

Yes,

well, they love you. They think you're perfect.

But they're just a bunch of pushovers. Me, I'm a lot harder to please.

But a lot easier to pushover.

Oh,

would you get that for me, hon? Yeah.

Hello?

Yes, he is. May I say he's calling?

Wendy?

As an ex -wife, Wendy?

This is Jan.

Yes, as in present girlfriend Jan.

They're just crazy about your onion dip.

John, it's Wendy. I'll call her back later.

Oh, John, you're so lucky to have found somebody like Jan. Yeah, she's smart,

she's beautiful, and she's talking to Wendy?

Really, Wendy, I didn't know that about John.

How often does it happen?

I'll take that call, thank you.

John, you are so cute when you're in trouble.

Can I get you something, Miss McCarron? Oh, please, call me Kate. And no thank

you, Walter.

How about you, sweetheart?

He's so considerate.

Maybe a glass of white wine?

Chablis or Chardonnay?

Definitely the Chablis.

Unless you'd rather have the Chardonnay.

Let's go with the red wine.

That would be my choice.

Cabernet or Burgundy.

Okay, Kirk. What is it?

John, um, you gotta understand.

You know Jackie?

Jackie? Yeah. Yeah, right. Well, she's important to me.

Yeah. Well, what I'm trying to say, John, is Jackie and I are going to

live together.

What? That's great. That's wonderful. Congratulations.

Hey, come on. Let's tell everybody else. Oh, no, no, no. There's nothing to

celebrate yet because, well, now she's come up with all these conditions. Like

she won't even sleep with me until I get a blood test.

Well, she just wants to be careful. Yeah, I know, but she wants more than

blood test, John. Get this... Hi, John.

Hi, Rob.

Rob, you finally got here. Yeah, I'm sorry I was late, but I wouldn't miss a

chance to meet Jan for the world.

Well, gotta go.

Wait a minute.

You just got here.

Where are you going?

Ah, back to the tunnel. They really come down on us when we leave the toll booth

unattended.

Sheesh, bureaucrats.

Look, uh, Kirk...

I got a party going on. I got to get back to my guest. Just tell me, what

does Jackie want from you?

She wants a list of all the women I've slept with in the last three months.

Well, you know, this is the 90s. I mean, you can't be too safe. So just give her

a list of all the women you slept with. John, come on. Get in the bathroom. I

don't want anybody to hear this.

Kirk. Kirk. Kirk.

What's the big deal? I can't give her a list.

The reason I can't give her a list of the women I've slept with is there isn't

list.

What?

John, I don't want this to get around, but for the last three months, my love

boat has been in dry dock.

Your boat's in dry dock?

You mean to sit there and tell me that you haven't been with a woman in three

months?

Sorry.

who haven't scored in a while, so just tell Jackie that. What are you, out of

your mind? What kind of wuss is she going to think I am?

I forgot to tell you.

Great party. Bye.

Yeah, all right. See you around.

So, John, I need a favor.

Do you have any women that you've slept with who wouldn't mind saying they slept

with me?

You don't have any women who would admit to sleeping with you. What makes you

think that I do?

Thanks a lot, John.

Some friend.

I don't need your help.

I've got other options.

Yo, Ralph, wait up. I need a favor. Oh, Kirk.

Desperate times go for desperate measures.

I'm sorry you didn't bring Jackie tonight.

I was really looking forward to meeting her. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms.

McCarron. I know what you're doing. You didn't have a date tonight, so you're

hitting on me.

Ah, Kirk, the elevator is here.

Hoping Jackie would change you. But, you know, you're still the same self

-centered, despicable, sleazy... Hey, I'm sorry.

Hey, put your money away, will you? I'm spoken for.

It was so nice to meet you.

Bye, John. Bye, Mary Beth.

Loved your day out.

We had a lovely time. Thanks.

Louise, what do you say we go catch a movie?

Well, I've been dying to catch that new French film that's playing around the

corner. Sounds great.

Or we could rent a movie, go back to my place and build a fire.

That sounds good, too, Walter.

Nice of you guys to drop by.

You want to use firewood or presto log?

Anything, Walter. Any damn thing.

They're all very nice.

Yeah. Too bad they stayed so long.

You're mad at me, aren't you? I'm not mad.

It's just... It's that phone call from Wendy, isn't it? I thought you said that

she was out of your life. She is.

Well, does she call you a lot?

Jan, in all the years since we've been divorced, she's probably only called me

three or four times.

A week.

Cops.

And I was worried.

Honestly, Jan, I'm completely over her.

Do you mean it?

Want me to get a Bible and swear on it?

Yes.

Okay. I think there's one next to the bed in the nightstand.

Well, come on. I'll help you look for it. Well, this might take a while.

We're not going to turn the lights on.

See you next week.

Yeah, I'll see you.

And now, just because I left a stupid arm up, I have to work the next three

weekends for nothing.

returned any of my calls.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I think you and I should have a little talk.

You want to break up with me, don't you?

It's okay. It happens to me all the time.

Now, would you like to never see me again or would you like to still be

Because I can go either way.

I just want you to be happy.

Walter, why don't we go somewhere and talk?

I'd like that, Louise.

If you would.

Good night, Kirk.

Okay, good night.

I'll tell you what, Louise.

Why didn't you let me take you to dinner?

If that's your decision, Walter.

Of course, there's always Mexican.

Or Italian.

Where would you like to go, Louise?

I'm going home. You can go fly a bloody kite.

That wouldn't have been my choice.

Hi, sorry I'm late. Smoke enters ran a little long tonight. No problem.

You look nice.

Thank you.

You hungry?

Yeah. Want to go grab a bite to eat? Great. You can give me your list at

What list?

The list of all the women you've been with, remember? Oh, right. That list.

Well, my attorney told me I shouldn't reveal any names because it might upset

too many celebrities.

Come on, we gotta talk.

What? What? What? What? What?

Look, if you and I are gonna live together, we gotta be straight with each

other. I brought you my list.

I don't care what's on this list. I don't even want to see this list,

Come on.

Let's just forget the whole thing. We trust each other.

Cora, please.

What? Now, look. I don't care how many women you've been with in the last three

months, as long as I can check them out. Now, give me the names.

Suppose.

Just suppose I said that there wasn't anyone.

That's it. I'm out of here. Okay, okay, okay.

It was.

One.

Start writing.

Okay, but this goes against my grain as a gentleman.

I like to kiss and tell.

So, who's Kate McCarron?

think you can't sink any lower? You managed to find a new bottom.

I'm going to kill you. No, no, no, Kate, Kate, Kate, no, no, come on, come on,

Kate. You're not going to kill anybody.

You're right.

First, I'm going to make him walk funny.

Where are the scissors?