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Louise, this is the 40th poster I put up in the community center. I hope it's

the last one.

Hey, John.

What did you want, Ralph?

I wanted to tell you to be careful with that hammer.

Louise,

why do we have to have a... Stupid swap meet anyway.

I mean, why don't we all just chip in ten dollars apiece and donate it to the

community center? That way I won't have to come in tomorrow and waste an entire

Saturday. Oh, put a crumpet in it, John.

It's for a very worthy cause. Besides, what else would you be doing tomorrow?

Well, I could be home, sucking my thumb.

Personally, I'm kind of looking forward to the swap meet.

I'm wondering how much I could get for my welterweight championship belt.

Obviously, you are not a sports fan.

I love that in a woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a class.

Hi, John.

Hi. What are you doing?

I'm putting cold water on my thumb.

You really...

to the swap meet tomorrow.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

We had them back home in Bartonsville and I used to sell kisses.

Mary Beth, you don't sell kisses at a swap meet.

Yeah, right.

Like I'm gonna give them away.

Hey, everybody.

Um, I just took a phone message for Kate.

Remember that aunt she was always talking about? Aunt Phoebe?

That kooky old broad that owns a fish joint?

She is sort of a nutcase.

What did Madame Looney Tunes do this time?

She died.

Oh, that's too bad. The woman was a saint.

93 years old.

What a shame.

What did she die of?

The woman was 93 years old.

What did she die of?

Her parachute didn't open.

How are we going to break this to Kate?

Well, these things are never easy.

It's always so difficult to find the right words.

Hi, everybody.

Guess who I just ran into?

Not your Aunt Phoebe. She's dead.

What?

John just took the call, Kate. We're all so very... Sorry. Come and sit down.

Oh, no. Poor Aunt Phoebe.

Yeah, Kate, if it's any consolation, she passed away in her sleep.

The funeral's tomorrow.

And afterwards, they're going to have a memorial dinner at that restaurant she

owned. Oh, you know what? I'd better call and see if there's anything I can

No, no, Kate. I don't think there's anything for you to do because your ex

-husband called and he said... Yeah.

Yeah, he said he was going to take care of everything because he figured you'd

be too upset. Upset? Yeah. Is that what he said? Yeah. That I'd be upset?

Where did... Does he get off telling everyone that I'd be upset?

That slime!

You sound like a nice guy on the phone.

The man is despicable.

Then again, we didn't have a very good connection.

Do you know what he sent me for my birthday last year, John?

A beautiful silver frame with a picture of him and his latest girlfriend in the

nude.

Well, it certainly isn't something you'd buy for your sale.

Maybe he's changed.

He said he was looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, and I know why.

We own a timeshare in the Caribbean.

This year, I've got the condo for Thanksgiving, and he wants to trade me

could use it for another one of his orgies.

Thanksgiving orgy, huh?

Red, if you talk to him, you might mention I make a very nice oyster

What? Chop up the onions very fine.

Stop it, Kirk.

Kate, if you don't want Blake at the funeral, why don't you just call him up

tell him to butt out?

Oh, yeah, sure, and have my whole family hate me.

They love Blake.

The man's a real charmer. He even had me fooled for five years.

The best thing I can do is not show up.

No, no, you really shouldn't go to the funeral, Kate.

After all, you do only have one Aunt Phoebe.

I mean, you did.

Yeah, thank you, Ralph, but I'm not going to go tomorrow.

I just know that if I see Blake, somehow he'll goad me into a screaming fight.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Much as I hate to miss this swap meet tomorrow, why don't I go with you to the

funeral? And that way I could be, you know, a calming influence.

Oh, thanks, John, but there's no way I can be calm around him.

He's the sleaziest man I've ever met. No offense, Kirk, but it's true.

Hey, I understand.

Kate, Kate, it'll be all right, I promise.

You know, just keep an open mind, relax, and try to be flexible.

I wish I had a nickel for every time a man asked me to do that.

Kate, you've got to stop thinking about Blake and think about what your Aunt

Phoebe would have wanted.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right, Louise.

I really should go.

And maybe with John there, I'll be okay. Sure, you're great.

Oh, poor Aunt Phoebe.

You know, the last time I was with her, she was feeding her parrot, making

jokes.

She was so vibrant.

full of life. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

We know you feel you. We're very sorry. We're very sorry.

Hey, Ray.

No matter what you think of me, I know how terrible it can be to lose a loved

one. I appreciate that, Kirk. Yeah. I want you to know, if there's anything I

can do, anything at all, just to make it easier, you let me know.

Kate, dear, we're all... chip in and send some nice flowers.

Who said anything about chipping in?

There, there.

Aunt Trudy, it's good to see you.

I only wish it weren't under these circumstances.

Yes, it's such a sad day, sweetheart.

I don't know what we would have done if we hadn't had Blake to take care of

everything.

Such a dear man.

You were so foolish to let him get away.

Oh, Blake!

You cannot hit a little old lady. I could if you'd lift all of my arms.

All right.

Oh, will you look at him.

Get a load of that phony charm.

And they're eating it up.

You know, he's probably telling them something awful about me.

Oh, come on, Kate. They're not talking about you. Will you stop being so

paranoid?

Oh, perfect.

He's coming over. All right, all right, all right. Remember, relax, be calm.

Hi, Kate. It's good to see you.

What's that supposed to mean? Kate.

Hi, I'm John Lacey. Blake McCarron. Yeah, you'll have to excuse Kate. She's

upset, you know, because of the funeral.

Oh, I understand.

Sometimes it helps to talk about other things, like that little problem we're

having with our condo.

Oh, there's no problem.

You're not getting it. Kate. Blake.

Look, I'm not going to give up that condo just so you can impress your

mattress mate.

How do you like that, John? She's still jealous.

Jealous?

I'll show you.

Kate.

Look, I don't think this is the right time to be discussing a timeshare. No,

certainly is not.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go in and enjoy the funeral.

Look, I... I apologize, John, but every time Kate and I get together, sparks

fly. Yeah, I understand.

You do? Yeah. Well, good.

Then maybe you can help me with this timeshare thing. You know, just put in a

little word for me the next time you and Kate are shaking the old headboard.

Listen, let's get this straight here, okay?

Kate is not sleeping with me.

Oh, I know what you're going through.

The woman is cold.

Afraid of a little frostbite?

You mind if we don't talk about this anymore? I know, I know. Listen, on our

honeymoon, I had to put her nightie in the freezer just to warm it up.

Hey, Blake.

I'm not kidding.

Why do you think we didn't have kids?

I was afraid you'd give birth to a penguin.

Goodbye, Blake. No, no, wait a second, John. Wait a minute. I'll tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

You get Kate to give me that timeshare for Thanksgiving, and I will personally

set you up with a woman guaranteed to melt your belt buckle.

Listen, Slick, get away from me. No, wait a minute. John, just think about

said get away from me.

And I'll be there in the ocean spray that kisses your cheek.

Those are the words that Phoebe requested.

Look, I've been telling you for the last half hour, would you get away from me?

She was a good person.

A kind person.

Phoebe will be missed by us all.

Would you get the hell away from me?

contributing to the swap meet.

John dropped this off on his way to the funeral this morning.

Oh, how thoughtful of John.

It's a caring attitude like this that makes him a special member of our group.

Yeah, how much do you think we can get for it? Nothing.

and put those empty boxes in the storeroom. Now, what have you brought

P? I cleaned out my guest closet.

Men can be so forgetful.

Especially when they're in a hurry.

Mrs. Gilbert, I've never said this to anyone before.

You're my idol.

All right, gangway.

Hello. Donald, thank me.

I know I shouldn't part with this, but it's for the good of the community

center, and that's the kind of guy I am.

All right.

Oh, nothing special. Just a portrait of yours truly, painted by none other than

the father of cubism himself.

That's right.

Signor Pablo Picasso!

I just thought, Pablo, you know, I hope he doesn't find out that I'm giving this

up. Yeah, he just paid a couple of months ago when we were running with the

bulls down in Pamplona.

Kirk, I believe your mouth is still running with the balls.

Picasso died years ago.

Yeah, right.

And so did Elvis.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, it's great. It's great. It's a lovely affair.

So, how's our swap meet going?

What about Kate? Was she able to contain herself?

Oh, yeah. It was a great container. Model mourner. So, what are you doing

I thought there was a memorial dinner after the funeral. Oh, there is. I just

couldn't bear the thought of missing this swap meet.

What? Hey,

there is something wrong.

Don't do anything rash.

Let me go with you to the funeral, Kate.

I'll be a calming influence.

I'll make sure you don't cause a scene with Blake.

Why did I ever listen to this maniac?

Why, what did the maniac do?

I'll tell you what he did.

At the cemetery, in front of all my relatives, he threw my ex -husband into

the grave.

second and Blake is lying in a grave and good old supportive John here is

running the other way hurtling over tombstones.

I only hurtled over two.

DeMarco and Lipschitz.

Now listen.

I did not throw him in the grave. He tripped and he fell. After you pushed

I was getting to that.

Look, John, what on earth did Blake do to make you so angry?

Uh, no.

Oh, come on, John. I really want to know.

He said something I can't repeat.

I'm too much of a gentleman.

John, would you at least go and apologize to my family?

And while you're at it, would you tell them that I had nothing to do with this?

They think I put you up to it. Oh, God, what a mess.

Well, okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I... I shouldn't have done it. I

have lost my temper. Maybe I do owe your family an apology. Oh, thank you, John.

No way am I going to apologize to that Blake.

What the devil is...

John, come on.

I don't think this is a good idea, Kate.

Why don't I just write a note of apology and let them pass it around?

Oh, no, John. What are you afraid of?

Oh, look at them.

They all have knives and forks.

And those things that crack things.

John, please, come on. This is my family. I'd like to think that one day

speak to me again. Now, come on. No.

attention, please.

You get out of here and take your macho muscle man with you.

No, and Trudy, everyone, please just listen.

John has something he'd like to say.

John?

Yes, um, I'm sorry that this thing had to happen today.

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

Unless a man would make up some excuse.

But I'm going to be perfectly honest with all of you.

I've been under some very heavy medication lately.

My condition is aggravated when I'm around fresh soil, you see.

I was warned by my doctor.

Okay, okay.

I didn't mean to be disrespectful to the memory of dear old Aunt Phoebe.

That's Aunt Phoebe.

Well, anyway.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that this unfortunate accident had to

happen. Accident?

You animal. We know why you attacked this poor, sensitive, lovable man who

we all adore.

And we know who put you up to it.

That woman who calls herself my niece.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

She's not the villain here.

You want to know why I pushed him in? I'll tell you why. John, John, John,

won't be necessary.

Look, I think it took a lot of courage for this man to humble himself in front

of our family.

John, old pal, you've earned yourself a lobster.

Waiter, you want to get this man a bib? And the same goes for Kate. And I insist

that we all just forgive Kate. Let's welcome her back into the family.

I know I do.

Come on, everybody. Let's put those hands together.

Hey, John, no hard feelings?

Get away from me.

Okay, then if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see if I can clean some of

mud off my suit.

Oh, Blake?

Blake, hold on a second.

Blake, look, I'm... I'm really sorry about what happened today.

Well, for whatever it's worth, if you...

Still want to use the time share over Thanksgiving. You're welcome to it.

Well, thanks, Kate.

Yeah.

Forgiven?

Absolutely. Look, it was all just a misunderstanding. I made a little joke,

I guess that John took it the wrong way.

A joke?

Why? Why? What did you say to John? Oh, just something about you being cold.

Your old cold Kate routine. Actually, I made a little riddle, and it was...

It's kind of clever if I do say so.

Okay,

get this. I asked John, I said, what's the difference between Aunt Phoebe in

coffin and you in the bed?

And what's the difference?

The difference is Aunt Phoebe is warmer and she only has her arms crossed.

I'll take that one.

Dominic's got this rich girlfriend, but her father doesn't exactly like Dom.

This is Chris Maloney. Watch the finale, boys.

Next. Captain Devane is linked to corruption, and only Hunter can clear

name. This is Fred Dreyer, the dramatic Hunter, tonight.

Okay, Dad, gotta go. Mom's waiting downstairs.

So long, Uncle Kirk.

Dear Squirt, wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting something?

But, Dad, my book report isn't due for another two weeks.

Why do I have to read this now?

Because the Tale of Two Cities is over 300 pages. You can't read it in one

night. Why read it at all? Read the video.

Works for me.

Yeah, well, it doesn't work for me.

Here, read.

Enjoy.

Okay, just read.

Goodbye. Bye. See you, Matt.

Kirk, you know, I would appreciate it if you leave my son's education to me.

No offense, but you know nothing about literature.

Oh, no?

No.

Why? Because I don't flaunt it?

Go ahead, ask me anything.

Okay, wise guy. What do you know about Tale of Two Cities?

The tale?

of two cities.

Everything. Her name is Mona and she lives in Minneapolis, St. Paul.