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1
00:00:00,110 --> 00:00:01,089
Hi, honey.
2
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I'm home.
3
00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:58,600
It was 1978.
4
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,220
I get a call from President Nixon
himself.
5
00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:09,360
Now, he wants me to fly into Moscow,
poke around, find out a few things.
6
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:10,760
This is ridiculous.
7
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,780
First of all, Nixon was thrown out of
office long before 1978.
8
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,520
And just because the man falls on hot
times, I'm supposed to brush him?
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Anyway, I'm in the middle of Red Square.
I turn around.
10
00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:28,300
The entire KGB is advancing on me.
11
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,700
Now, my copter is waiting to whisk me to
safety. I know that.
12
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:39,360
But before I leave, I have to do the
most difficult thing I have ever had to
13
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,360
in all my years in the espionage game.
14
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:42,640
Oh, please.
15
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,800
I have to bid a fond do svidaniya to the
fair Olga.
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00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:52,710
Brezhnev's daughter.
17
00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:58,550
She begged me to take her with me, but I
said, I'm taken by Lady Liberty. I'm
18
00:01:58,550 --> 00:01:59,650
married to my country.
19
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:04,010
On behalf of the country, we'd like a
divorce.
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Oh, hi, everybody. Listen, I'm sorry I'm
late.
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00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:15,210
Earlier tonight, I met this lady, and
she's a little upset, so I suggested she
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come to the group.
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She's waiting in the hall.
24
00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:21,090
Well, bring her in. Sure, the more the
merrier.
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00:02:21,690 --> 00:02:22,690
Uh, Gloria?
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Gloria?
27
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Everybody?
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Everybody?
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00:02:34,270 --> 00:02:35,710
Hi, Gloria!
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Louise?
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I told Gloria she could sit in on one of
our sessions.
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She's been recently widowed.
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Go ahead.
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Now, does anyone remember where we left
off last week?
35
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We was talking about how women are
always ignoring Ralphie.
36
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Well, it doesn't seem like I'm asking
too much.
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I just love that blouse.
38
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Thank you.
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00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:20,480
Now, Gloria, perhaps you'd like to tell
us a little about yourself.
40
00:03:21,210 --> 00:03:24,110
Louise, actually, I told Gloria she
could just sit in on the session.
41
00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:27,010
So if anyone has anything they'd like to
talk about.
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00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:52,920
tough times.
43
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But I think I've turned the corner on
that.
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All right, keep up the good work,
Gloria.
45
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Do you mind?
46
00:04:08,420 --> 00:04:10,880
I told Gloria she could get some help
here, huh?
47
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,900
You want to hear something really weird?
48
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:15,360
Please.
49
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:17,339
I mean, please.
50
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:18,920
Feel free.
51
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,120
Gloria, this is a support.
52
00:04:21,450 --> 00:04:24,350
group. You can say anything you want.
It's all right.
53
00:04:24,610 --> 00:04:29,570
Oh, it's just that sometimes I think I
can
54
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:33,130
feel his presence.
55
00:04:40,450 --> 00:04:41,650
Submitted for your approval.
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A young whale haunted by a specter from
the pack.
57
00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:55,820
Can you possibly show a little interest
here? Of course I can.
58
00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:00,700
So, Gloria, how'd you ruin me and Croke?
59
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,000
Why?
60
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,740
No, wait. I see what he's doing.
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Of course you do.
62
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,640
And what would that be, Kirk?
63
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,840
Go ahead, Gloria. You tell him.
64
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,620
Kirk's telling me that I should stop
taking myself so seriously.
65
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:16,860
Exactly.
66
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:20,000
I'm glad somebody's paying attention
over here.
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00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,600
I think this is what I really needed.
68
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:25,060
Well, this is remarkable.
69
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:32,380
It appears that Kirk has blindly,
capriciously, and God knows unwittingly,
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00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:37,520
stumbled onto what may very well be the
ideal therapy for Gloria here.
71
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,060
Oh, he can't have.
72
00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:41,040
No, it doesn't seem possible.
73
00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:45,660
But what Gloria has obviously responded
to is some simple...
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00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:55,580
Okay.
75
00:05:56,860 --> 00:05:57,860
Here goes.
76
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:02,020
Kate?
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00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:03,700
Yes, Ralph?
78
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:08,460
There's something I've wanted to say to
you ever since you sat down tonight.
79
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,300
Your chair's on my...
80
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,000
It's a saltine.
81
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,220
Try it with something on it.
82
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:41,260
Ooh, I love guacamole. Oh, that's salmon
mousse.
83
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,540
I think I'll save my appetite for
dinner.
84
00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:46,020
What are we having?
85
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Uh, salmon.
86
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That's the saltines.
87
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:56,700
John, I'd like to thank you for inviting
us all to your first dinner party as a
88
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bachelor. Oh, you're welcome. And I'd
especially like to thank you for not
89
00:07:00,060 --> 00:07:01,060
inviting Kirk.
90
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:02,160
Oh, but I did.
91
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:03,860
Yeah, he's busy tonight with Gloria.
92
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:06,580
I can't tell you how this thing sticks
in my craw.
93
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,060
John, let it go. I can't help it. I feel
very responsible for Gloria.
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00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,840
I mean, I'm the one that dragged her to
the one -to -one club, right?
95
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,980
Oh, John, just because you let her in
there like a lamb to the slaughter...
96
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Please, Kate, please.
97
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I feel bad enough as it is.
98
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You know, he must have called me about
19 times tonight.
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What for?
100
00:07:25,580 --> 00:07:28,680
Well, first he wanted to borrow an ice
bucket, and then he wanted to know if I
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had any Sinatra records.
102
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But basically, the main reason for his
call was to remind me that tonight's the
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night.
104
00:07:35,870 --> 00:07:37,670
John, let me... All right, I'm sorry.
105
00:07:38,030 --> 00:07:39,850
Can we talk about something less
depressing?
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This is the best party I've ever been
to.
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Oh, listen, I gotta get back to my
entree. You guys keep up the party,
108
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John, do you need any help? No, no, no,
no. You just go on enjoying yourselves.
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Hey, Ralph, would you get that for me,
please?
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Gosh, it just keeps getting better and
better.
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John's residence.
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John. What?
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It's for you.
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I kind of assumed that, Ralph.
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Take a message.
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00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:28,360
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. The whole gang is
here.
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I can't believe this. This is
ridiculous.
118
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I'm in the middle of making dinner here.
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He can't believe this. This is
ridiculous. He's in the middle of making
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over there.
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Ralph, would you hang up the phone?
John, there's trouble.
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Hang up the phone.
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00:08:56,430 --> 00:08:57,970
I'm hanging up the phone now.
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By the way, you're missing a great
party.
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00:09:01,590 --> 00:09:05,670
Look, I don't care if there is trouble.
I don't care if his house is burning
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00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,330
down. I'm not going to go rushing over
there just because Kirk is in trouble.
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00:09:08,530 --> 00:09:10,270
No, no, that was Gloria on the phone.
128
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,340
So when the bell rings on the timer,
serve the salmon, the wines in the
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00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,500
and lock the door when you leave.
130
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,260
And let's do this again soon.
131
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:26,840
Well, everybody.
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00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,379
What's happened?
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John, it's terrible.
134
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:47,320
Our day was going great, and then all of
a sudden it got a little bit out of
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00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:51,620
hand. Gloria, what has that animal done
to you? Oh, no, John. Actually, it's
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00:09:51,620 --> 00:09:52,660
what I've done to him.
137
00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:53,980
John, is that you?
138
00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:14,740
You did this?
139
00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:15,840
You're damn right she did.
140
00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:17,360
I thought it would be fun.
141
00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:18,940
John, you've got to help me.
142
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:23,260
I've got a big problem here. No, wait a
minute. Would someone just tell me what
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00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:24,260
the hell is going on here?
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00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,120
I was teaching him how to play good cop,
naughty cop.
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00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,100
Good cop, naughty cop?
146
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:36,640
Have you ever played?
147
00:10:37,020 --> 00:10:40,200
I used to play kick the can, but that
was years ago. Nobody cares.
148
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:41,720
This is serious.
149
00:10:43,050 --> 00:10:44,370
The key broke off in the lock.
150
00:10:44,650 --> 00:10:47,990
Well, I'm sure you two kids can work it
out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got
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00:10:47,990 --> 00:10:51,090
dinner guests waiting. John, John, John.
Please, please, don't go.
152
00:10:51,430 --> 00:10:56,450
There's an additional development that
could make this get very weird.
153
00:10:56,730 --> 00:10:57,870
Get very weird?
154
00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:02,250
Somebody else is coming over. Somebody
else?
155
00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:04,750
Oh, let me guess. The chief of police?
156
00:11:05,110 --> 00:11:06,190
John, this is serious.
157
00:11:07,930 --> 00:11:08,930
It's my mother.
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Your mother?
159
00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:13,750
I can't believe you brought me... over
to your mother's house.
160
00:11:14,050 --> 00:11:16,710
Oh, well, excuse me, Miss Dungeons and
Dragons.
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00:11:19,190 --> 00:11:23,810
I don't understand. Why would you bring
Gloria over here if your mother's coming
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over? Were you suddenly my social
director? She wasn't supposed to be home
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00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:29,610
tonight. All right, all right. So what
do you want me to do? Call a locksmith?
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00:11:29,810 --> 00:11:33,070
No, we already did this. This is New
York. We're on a waiting list.
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Oh, my God!
166
00:11:36,370 --> 00:11:37,370
What are we going to do?
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00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:39,130
Oh, yes, you can see them.
168
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,460
widow has been enormously helpful.
169
00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:43,020
All right, all right, all right.
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00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:44,820
So what do you want me to do?
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00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,140
You've got to get me out of here.
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00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,680
You've got to help me down those four
flights of stairs.
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Down the four flights?
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All right, you get one arm, I'll get the
other.
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Ralph!
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It's after midnight. What are you still
doing here?
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00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:13,350
Partying.
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00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:20,950
You mean Louise and Kate are still...
No, no, they left hours ago. I thought
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00:12:20,950 --> 00:12:23,850
about going with them, but I was just
having too much fun.
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00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:27,370
John,
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00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:31,110
you think we're disturbing the
neighbors? Maybe we better keep it down.
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Yeah.
183
00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:34,070
Good idea, Ralph.
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John, oh, Ralphie, what are you doing
here?
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00:12:37,570 --> 00:12:38,970
Hey, well, you know, just...
186
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,240
Letting the good times roll.
187
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,060
Yeah, but it's getting kind of late,
don't you think? You know, you don't
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00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:48,640
to burn out too early in the social
season.
189
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,380
Oh, you're right.
190
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:51,840
You're right.
191
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:55,820
Plus, I'm a little worried about how I'm
going to feel in the morning.
192
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,560
You think I'm okay to drive?
193
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:02,560
Why? What have you had to drink?
Nothing. You'll be fine.
194
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,240
What a night.
195
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,800
to ask you a favor. Kirk, I helped you
out enough tonight.
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00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,120
I had to convince your mother that we
were rehearsing a talent show.
197
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:28,320
I got you to the locksmith. I persuaded
that nice couple in the dog collars to
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00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,320
let us go first.
199
00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:34,320
I understand. Tell you what, I'll buy
you a beer before the meeting on Friday
200
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:38,900
night. Look, Kirk, I gotta tell you, I'm
not exactly sure what your status is as
201
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:39,900
far as this group is concerned.
202
00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:41,540
What are you talking about?
203
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,040
Well, some things were said in your
absence.
204
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,219
Like what?
205
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:47,560
Like this time you finally went too far.
206
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:52,020
Like you used the group to take
advantage of an emotionally defenseless
207
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:53,640
What did you say?
208
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,080
That is what I said.
209
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:02,760
Look, John, I'm sure in a couple days,
everyone's going to forget all about
210
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,220
thing with Gloria. Look, Kirk, it's not
just that. It's your whole attitude.
211
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,600
I mean, you are insensitive to other
people's problems.
212
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:15,220
It's like the fact that you claim to be
a CIA agent dodging death squads when
213
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:19,420
the reality is you live with your
mother. It's like the fact that... Well,
214
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:24,380
actually, John, I don't live with my
mother. It's just that I can't bring
215
00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:26,780
civilians to my house because my address
is classified.
216
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,600
Would you just give it up? Come on,
John, that's the kind of guy I am.
217
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,260
Well, that's the kind of guy nobody
wants in the group anymore.
218
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,020
Nobody wants me in the group?
219
00:14:41,789 --> 00:14:46,050
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are
you... Wait a second, John. I didn't
220
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,650
realize this was so serious.
221
00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:52,530
All right. Forget about what I said
before.
222
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I'll do anything. Just... What do I have
to do to get back in the group?
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What do you have to do?
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Well, you have... You have to make a
little more effort.
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You're gonna have to listen.
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You're gonna have to show a little more
sensitivity.
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00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:14,140
And you're going to have to stop using
other people's pains as an opportunity
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make jokes.
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Was any of this negotiable?
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Why do I bargain with you? No, wait,
John. Wait, wait. Listen, listen,
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Believe me, I can change.
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And do you know why?
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Because I care about you guys. And
Friday night, John, I am going to prove
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you.
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And, well, I know... I don't always show
it, but...
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If it's possible for a man to love
another man, and I mean that in a non
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-lavender manner...
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Then I love
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you.
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00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:54,430
Uh... I know, you're right, John.
They're just words, and we all know
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speak louder than words.
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So... Oh, Kirk, uh...
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Please.
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John.
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Kirk, come on.
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All right, all right.
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Have it your way.
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Kill me.
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What's the
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big
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deal about men expressing affection
anyway?
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Hey, whoa!
253
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Basically, what I'm saying is, and I
can't even believe I'm saying this,
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we ought to give him another chance to
prove that he's sincere.
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No way.
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00:17:05,510 --> 00:17:10,349
Maybe John's right. Kirk at least
deserves a chance to show us that he's a
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changed man.
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He'll never change.
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I'll prove it to you. How?
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By putting him to the test. And trust
me, what you'll see is the same old
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00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:24,369
My grandmother had an expression that
fits him to a T.
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00:17:25,069 --> 00:17:27,349
A leopard never changes his spots.
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Once scum, always scum.
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00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:35,090
Hi, everybody. I'm sorry to be late.
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00:17:35,570 --> 00:17:36,630
Don't let me interrupt.
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00:17:41,450 --> 00:17:42,490
Please continue.
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Well, we were just getting started.
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00:17:44,950 --> 00:17:48,430
Does anyone have something they'd like
to discuss?
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seems that she's, um, partial to women.
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Oh, my God, really?
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Yes, Ralph, really.
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00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:21,720
Well, it seems I kind of walked in on
her and a friend in a very
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00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,500
inopportune moment.
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00:18:34,510 --> 00:18:35,750
Anyone have any ideas?
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00:18:46,790 --> 00:18:49,470
Well, if I might offer a suggestion.
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00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:57,730
If their behavior is not objectionable,
then what difference should their sexual
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00:18:57,730 --> 00:18:58,730
preference make?
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00:18:59,550 --> 00:19:01,230
It's like I always say.
279
00:19:02,470 --> 00:19:04,430
Live. And let live.
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00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:10,470
Thank you, Kirk. That sounds prudent
advice.
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00:19:11,030 --> 00:19:12,930
Well, aren't we here to help each other?
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00:19:14,930 --> 00:19:16,370
You're absolutely right, Kirk.
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00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:21,890
And on that note, I think we should all
welcome Kirk back into the group. I
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00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:27,970
think I speak for all of us when I say
that his newfound sensitivity and
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00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:29,750
makes a welcome change.
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00:19:30,310 --> 00:19:31,310
Thank you.
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00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:36,460
I just want you all to know how much it
means to me that you take me back.
288
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,160
It's our pleasure, dear.
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00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,580
It's almost like having a new member.
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00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,020
Everybody, hi, Kirk.
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00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:48,700
Yes, Ralph.
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00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:53,080
Good for you, Kirk. Thank you, John.
Well, now that that's settled, who'd
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00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:57,080
to begin? Ralph, have you had any luck
on the job front?
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Oh, um, excuse me, Louise.
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00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:01,580
Yes, dear?
296
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,780
I certainly wouldn't want to disrupt the
group, so I just wanted to let you all
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00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:07,540
know in advance that I have to leave
early tonight.
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00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,920
Why? I've got an emergency mission in...
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00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:17,560
I'm sorry, Ralphie. It's classified.
300
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,400
What did I tell you?
301
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:20,660
Grandma was right.
302
00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:23,680
Oh, Kirk, you promised you wouldn't lie
about that spy stuff anymore.
303
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:24,839
I'm not lying.
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00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:25,840
Yeah, right.
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00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,120
All right, all right. Have it your own
way.
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00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:31,760
You know that?
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00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:34,720
Making us believe all this spy stuff.
308
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:41,020
All this ridiculous mumbo -jumbo about
clandestine missions, secret identities,
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00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,900
and classified information. I mean, give
us...
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00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,300
Mr. Morris.
22876
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