Original subtitles

Hi, Brad. How are you?

How are you?

Will you listen to this guy?

How are you? You're so considerate.

You know, John, old buddy, I was thinking about what good friends we are

you would do anything for me. And you know what else I was thinking?

That you should cut back on your medication?

That's funny, John. No, I was thinking that since the seniors are voting for

teacher of the year, that, uh...

you would maybe hand out these flyers to your classes.

Coach Derman, educator, humanitarian, orphan?

Well, almost.

My father passed away two years ago.

My mother's on the ropes.

I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm not going to do your campaigning for you. Oh, I get it,

John. You want to win teacher of the year. You know, Brad, this may sound

strange to you, but I don't need a plaque to know that I'm a good teacher.

My reward is seeing a kid graduate, go to college, and make something of

himself. You've got a sports mentality.

You know something?

Competition between teachers isn't very healthy.

Yeah, you're right, John.

Winning isn't everything.

Well, thanks, John. I needed to hear that.

God, how I wish every teacher in this school felt that way.

I'd be a shoo -in.

Winning isn't everything?

Oh, that's a good one, John. Say hi to the tooth fairy for me.

By the time you...

Dear John is filmed before the studio audience.

Now, look, Wendy, we've been divorced for two years now. You got the car, you

pay for the car repairs.

I don't care if it needs a new transmission.

Now, look, Wendy, Wendy, there is nothing you can do to make me change my

No, no, no, nothing. Oh, hi, son.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Of course you're not going to have to walk six miles to

school in the freezing rain.

No, Matthew.

No, just tell Mommy that Daddy's going to pay to have the car fixed.

What?

She needs a car phone, too?

No, no, no, Matthew, Matthew, all right, all right. Just tell Mommy that Daddy

will think about it.

I have fresh donuts here. I want everyone to try one.

Hey,

has anyone seen my coffee mug?

No.

But while we go into the storage room, turn off all the lights, get down on our

hands and knees and look for it.

Wait a minute, Kate. This never may explain where your coffee mug and the

rack have disappeared to. It says that starting tonight, a new group is meeting

in this room right before us.

Oh? What group is that?

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous.

Anyone interested in joining, please sign below with a pen attached for your

convenience.

Hi, everybody. Hey, there he is.

What happened? Go right.

It's a long story, John.

Now, listen, I've got a statement to make right here and right now. If

hears me talk about getting remarried, I want everybody in this group to jump on

me and beat me to a bloody pulp.

What's tasting you, Biscuit? Oh, Wendy.

She's driving me crazy.

She got the car under divorce, and I'm the one who has to pay for a new

transmission. Well, that sounds fair to me. She gets a new transmission, and you

get the old chef.

Hello. I'm looking for the 121 Club. And you found it.

Louise. Yes?

I spoke with you today on the phone. I'm Barry Sindler.

Oh, right. The one who's going through a painful, tortuous, devastating, gut

-wrenching divorce.

So glad you're here.

Everybody.

Hi, Barry.

Now, Barry, why don't you just sit in here and tell us a little bit about

yourself, your marriage, what you do, et cetera.

Well, like I said, my name is Barry.

And as she told you, I'm going through a divorce.

I'm not sure I should even mention what I do for a living.

Oh, why not?

Well, it could be something you've all had trouble with at one time or another.

You're a vice cop?

Mrs. Felber, please.

Come on, Barry, we're all friends here. No one's going to bar you from this

group because of what you do for a living.

Well,

okay. I'm a divorce lawyer.

Everybody, that will be quite enough.

Let's be civilized.

This man is asking for our support and he's going to get it right, everybody.

Yeah.

Now, Barry, tell us about your divorce.

Well... It's been very painful. Good. John!

Go ahead, Barry.

Well, my wife and I have been married for 13 years.

We met in San Francisco.

It was a summer of love. A season of joy.

Now I find myself in court doing my best to completely humiliate and belittle

her. There's no joy in that.

Don't we know it.

Certain amount of professional pride, of course.

Look, maybe somebody else should talk first.

Well, perhaps someone here would like to show Barry how our group functions. How

by opening up and sharing, we've been able to get past our problems and become

whole again.

Ralph!

There's something that's been bothering me for a very long time.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Thank you, Ralph.

John, perhaps you'd like to tell us what's on your mind tonight. Louise, we

already know what I have on my mind.

My ex -wife uses the car to drive my son to school and to soccer practice and to

his music lessons, which, by the way, I still pay for.

So why the hell do I have to pay for the upkeep on that car?

You pay for the upkeep on your ex -wife's car? Well, it's in my name.

She's got the car, but it's in your name?

Well, it has to be because I pay for the insurance.

No offense, John, but guys like me love seeing guys like you in court. You know,

the legal profession has a technical term for people like you.

Doormat.

Boy, talk about your legal mumbo -jumbo. Now, wait a minute here. I am not a

doormat. For your information, my wife and I had a very fair settlement. Yeah,

they split everything right down the middle. And she took both halves.

Doormat.

Dad, if I were you, I'd reopen my divorce settlement.

No thanks.

I want to put my son through another divorce.

Perhaps someone else would like to share with us something that doesn't involve

name -calling.

Just a second.

Barry, are you saying that if someone thinks they got a raw deal, they can

renegotiate their settlement?

Oh, sure. We do it every day. Hey, listen. If you're bitter about how

turned out... No, no, I'm not bitter. Why should I be bitter?

Just because I put my husband through medical school and he dumped me? That's

good reason. Damn right.

But, you know, now I've got a whole new life.

I got everything I wanted out of the divorce.

Well, good for you. Well, then you got everything you're entitled to.

You got your equity stake in his medical practice. You got IRA investments, at

least half of his pension plan, right?

Well, not exactly.

So, uh, what did you get?

Got the dining room table.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. She got a table.

It was a dining room table.

Dormat! Just like John.

Oh, just a second. I've been through my divorce and now I'm moving on with my

life.

Dormat!

On the other hand, maybe I should go after my ex. This has been bothering me

a really long time.

Kate. Listen, if you want a little legal help, here's my card.

You'd do that for me?

Why, sure. We're all in the same group. It's like we're family.

That's right.

We're just like the Simpsons.

But prettier.

Boy, I'd love to take that chiseler for every nickel I've got coming to me. Hey,

would you listen to yourself?

I mean, you're suddenly sounding greedy, uncaring, very petty.

Well, at least I'm not like you, John, letting someone like Wendy walk all over

me. Hey, I think you're being a little harsh with John. Oh, by the way, she's

probably right. I do let Wendy walk all over me. Hey, come on, John. Do not

shortchange yourself.

You let everyone walk all over you.

Hey, John, how's your day going?

Well, my first time at Chit Chat.

Do you have a tie I can borrow?

I'm sorry, just the one I have on.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, what the hell, I'll take it.

All right.

Here.

What do you need it for?

Oh, they're going to announce Teacher of the Year in a little while, and I just

thought I should dress up for my acceptance speech.

Oh. After all, I'm going to be a role model for those kids now.

They're going to look up to me.

They're going to respect me.

Okay. First, the bunny runs around the hole. Then the bunny goes down.

I got it. I got it.

Mr.

Lacey. Oh. All right. Look,

I'm glad you're both here. The students just voted for the Teacher of the Year

Award, and you two tied for first place.

Really? We're having a runoff election next week to decide the winner.

Good luck to both of you.

All right.

We tied.

I win.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, John. It's no contest. I mean, look who I'm up against.

Wait a minute. Are you saying... What are you saying?

Are you saying that I'm a doormat?

You do have a way with words.

Yeah, well, that's the old John Lacey. From now on, you're looking at the new

John Lacey. Oh, come on, John. You know as well as I do you're not very good at

going after what you want.

Now, I wonder where I should hang that plaque.

Why don't you hang it right over there? Because that baby's going to be mine.

Give me back my tie.

What? You heard me. Give me back my tie.

Come on.

John. My tie. I'm beginning to hear bells ringing.

Oh,

hello, Wendy. I'm glad you called.

John, the neck. Oh, you got the estimate from the mechanic, huh? Yeah, that's

nice. Well, how about this? I'm not going to send you a check. No.

Oh, the carburetor, too. The joke.

Check the joke. Yeah, but if you can't afford it, get into the car and fix it

yourself.

What are you staring at?

All right, everybody, settle down,

settle down.

I hope you all read chapters one through six of the Grapes of Wrath like you

were supposed to because we're about to have a pop quiz.

I am well aware of the fact that I am up for teacher of the year.

and that this isn't something a fun teacher would do.

But I'm not going to pander to any one of you.

It's a nice haircut. I like it very much.

All right, I'll put your books under your chairs.

Hi,

John.

Hey, gang.

Hey, gang.

All right, what are you doing here? Just take a minute.

Okay, listen up.

Everybody in my nutrition class will be meeting today at... Pepe's Taco Hut.

Pepe's Taco Hut. Yeah, I'm going to teach him about the perils of junk food.

By the way, the first 20 students there get free nachos.

Thank you. Thank you, Coach Cholesterol. Now, if you don't mind, we're in the

middle of a pop quiz.

Ooh, another one?

You kids, hang in there.

And just remember, Coach Derman here is always rooting for you. That's Derman.

Derman. Derman.

Derman.

Is that great? Who said I can't teach?

Knock it off, please.

Let's get back to the graves of wrath.

First question.

By what name did Steinbeck refer to those poor people who migrated to

California?

Let me repeat the question. By what name did Steinbeck refer to those poor

people... From Oklahoma who migrated to California.

Okie dokie. You got that one?

Next question.

What was the main highway they took from Oklahoma to California?

And I'm not going to give you 66 minutes to answer that question.

No matter how hard you root.

All right, I guess that's enough questions for one quiz. All right.

Lacey, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.

Hi,

everybody. Hi.

Well, I did it and I feel wonderful.

Anyone we know?

handle the case against my ex -husband. I'm going to make him squirm. I'm

finally going to get even with that slug. Good for you, Kate.

Hi. Good evening, John.

Kirk tells me you're being considered the teacher of the year. Please, please.

don't want to talk about that stupid award. I don't want to think about it. I

don't even want to hear it mentioned.

I got a plan.

If you want to win, you got to go with what's in. You got to give the kids what

they like.

Noise.

Get it, Ralphie.

I caught the noise.

Sorry, John, but if you stop too fast, you can break your tongue.

John, if you've already won Teacher of the Year, why didn't you just say so?

Because, Louise, I am ashamed of myself.

I actually gave my students the answer to a test. Oh, right, John.

That was my fallback plan. Oh, Kirk, you don't understand.

I'm a teacher.

I compromise myself for the sake of a meaningless award.

Oh, I've compromised myself for a lot less.

A turkey dinner and a sailor's hat.

Now I'm just going to have to go in there on Monday morning

and refuse that award.

How did I let myself get into this?

I believe it had something to do with not wanting to be a doormat.

Yeah, it was that lawyer.

How did I ever listen to that blood -sucking legal leech?

John, Barry's not a leech. He's a very nice man who's helping me handle the

against my ex -husband.

Now, he's a leech. Oh, come on, Kate, wise up. He's not interested in helping

you. He's only interested in his fee. Ah, well, that's where you're wrong,

Barry hasn't charged me a dime.

He said we're like family.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Barry.

Oh, Kate, just the person I wanted to see.

Am I interrupting?

I knew.

We haven't started yet.

Good. Okay, I looked over your case, and let me give you the upside.

It looks pretty good.

Hear that?

Looks pretty good.

Now, before you get too excited, let me give you the downside.

Hear that?

There's a downside.

Your ex has a pretty good lawyer. Okay, a real shark. I've never beaten him in

court, so I figure I'm due. How about that?

Do. But, of course, these things can take time.

Ask him how long.

How long?

Not long. Four, five years tops.

Five years? That's an awful long time to be tied up in court.

That's a long time to be tied up anywhere.

Oh, excuse me.

Not too risky. Her damn lawyer wanted me to open all my books, reveal all my

assets. The only thing I'd have left is the mini mall in Orlando.

It's in my girlfriend's name.

So, Kate, what do you say?

Want me to start filing the papers?

Oh, I don't know, Barry. Five years is an awful lot of time.

It's not time spent, Kate.

It's time invested.

Invested in your integrity, your dignity, your self -esteem.

It's something you owe yourself. Now, Kate, you're not going to be alone on

this. I'm going to be right there fighting side by side with you.

What do you say?

All right, I'll do it.

Good. Well, we can get started as soon as you write me a check for my $4 ,000

retainer. $4 ,000?

Barry, I don't have $4 ,000.

Oh.

Well, then we better forget the whole thing.

Yeah, you really didn't have much of a case anyway.

Barry, what kind of person are you? How... How can you charge Kate $4 ,000

you said you were going to treat her like family?

Hey, hey, hey. I am. That's the same deal I gave my mother when I did her

divorce.

She must be one proud parent.

Oh, so now we hear from Mr.

Dormant. Wait a minute, Barry. That's quite enough name -calling, you snake.

John Lacey is a man of integrity.

He's sensitive to the needs of others, and he believes in being fair.

Not a doormat.

Yeah.

Thank you, Louise, for reminding me about something important that I'd

forgotten.

I am a fair man.

I don't know what the hell I was worried about.

Excuse me, there's something I have to take care of.

You know, John and I are so much alike.

someone says something nice about me, I get so excited I have to go to the

bathroom, too.

Get me right down, Ginger!

Now, Kate, listen, if my fee's a real problem for you, maybe we could have a

quiet little dinner sometime and work out some other arrangements.

Ask him about that mini mall in Orlando.

Are you out of your mind? She's going to kill me.

I don't know why it's under his girlfriend's name.

Okay, Kate. Okay, that's it. Okay, you've got two hours of consultation.

my bill.

Sue me.

Just like my mother.

I'm sorry, Wendy. Maybe I did come on a little too strong about the car repairs.

I would like to be fair.

Yeah, I'll tell you what. I'll pay for half of the transmission.

I'll send you a check today.

What?

What about the plumbing?

Well, why the hell should I have to pay for that?

Now, look, as I remember, I haven't set foot in that house since you threw me

out.

Now, Wendy, Wendy, don't do this. Wendy, Wendy, don't do this. I'm warning...

Hi, son.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Next, as an illegal alien seeks sanctuary, Shannon works against the

flush out a corrupt corporate executive and prevent his client's deportation on

the season finale of Shannon's Deal. And Sunday night, Raymond Burr is Perry

Mason in the case of The Silent Singer, starring L .A. Law's Alan Rachin,

Vanessa Williams, and Tim Reed. Sunday night, only on NBC.

these home videos have to be legitimate.

So fake your fool as good as you can, all right?

Okay. Here's your banana peel.

You ready?

Okay.

Action!

Whoa!

Guys! Guys!

Guys! Guys!

Come on! Jesus!

Ralphie, my grandmother could fake a better fall than that.

See, Greg, I don't know about this. What if I break my leg? All the better.

Home Video Hygiene loves that stuff, Ralphie. Last week, they gave $10 ,000

this woman who sent in a videotape of her husband getting shot in the stomach

a cannon.

That was on America's Most Wanted.

What's the difference? It was still funny.

Come on, Ruffy. Let's try that fool again, all right?

Okay, and this time, think real.

There you go. All right.

Got your band, Peele? Yeah. All right.

Are you ready?

Yeah. Okay.