Original subtitles

Hi, honey. I'm home.

studio audience.

Yes, sir, Mr. Lacey, that's some nice shoe you got there.

I understand, Mr. Lacey, you got a big date tonight, huh?

That the lady, she's gonna be all over you.

Oh, Mr. Lacey, a hundred dollar tip.

You's a very big sport, very big.

Hey, just a moment, I'm coming to the door.

Kurt, what the hell are you doing here?

John, why is it every time I walk in a room, someone says that?

Kurt, what do you want?

What are you talking about?

Don't you remember?

Tonight is the monthly one -to -one club mixer dance.

Kurt, what makes you think I'd want to spend an evening with a bunch of

desperate, lonely people pretending to have fun while they're dying inside?

You haven't missed one yet.

Besides, John... This isn't like one of those regular punch -and -cookie deals.

This is like a big fancy party. It's over at that Dr.

Osborne's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's gonna be, you know, stiff drinks and loose women. Yeah, well, look, I'm

sorry, Kirk, but tonight I have a date, okay? Excuse me. Oh, yeah?

What are you talking, John? Escort service?

Look, Kirk, Cindy happens to be a very classy lady, and I happen to be looking

forward to a very nice evening tonight, so you'll just have to go without me.

All right, John, have it your own way.

But if you want to make a good impression, I'll do something about the

polish on that tie.

Oh, damn!

It's all right. It's all right. No big deal.

It's my favorite tie, but I'm not going to let anything spoil this evening for

me tonight.

Yeah, uh... Now, who could this be?

Who is it?

Ken.

Ken? What are you doing here? John, you're my oldest and dearest friend.

I'm a desperate man. My life is going down the tubes. I'm this close to

myself in front of a bus.

Yeah, well, the thing is, you see, I have this date.

John! All right, all right, I'm sorry.

What is it?

It's Maggie.

Our marriage is crumbling before my eyes. Again?

Oh, I know it seems to happen every three months, but this time it's

We're a good week ahead of schedule.

Listen, Ken.

You and Maggie have always had a stormy relationship.

You always said that's what makes your marriage exciting.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you, John, it's times like this I really envy the

and emptiness of your life.

The thing about that is, tonight I happen to have a very important date.

John, you've got to help me. I'm at the end of my rope.

Please, tell me what to do. Well, I would talk to her.

You would?

Absolutely.

Okay. Okay, great.

What are you doing?

I can't let another minute go by. I'm going crazy here. Oh, all right.

Listen. I would tell her that I loved her, I can't live without her, and I

do anything to make this right.

Great, John. Okay.

Hello, Maggie. Hold on. John has a few things he wants to tell you. No, no.

Hello,

Maggie. Yeah, Ken was just telling me about the kind of problems you had.

He also said that he loves you, he can't live without you, and he would do

anything to make this right.

Now, come on, Maggie. Of course he loves you.

Just think of all those special things he's done for you.

What special thing?

Oh, I know. How about that time last April when you took me on that surprise

weekend to Atlantic City?

I see.

You mean you've never been to Atlantic City?

Are you sure, Meg?

I must have been thinking about somebody else.

Oh, right.

How about that lovely necklace he bought you for your anniversary last

September?

Beautiful, right? I mean, you must love that. I know, because I was the one that

helped him pick it out.

Your anniversary is in July.

And he bought you a blender.

He bought her a blender?

Well, listen, I'm sure there's a... Maggie?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Well,

thanks. Boy, that helped a lot.

What are you getting mad at me for? You're the one who's been lying to

Who the hell was it we picked out that necklace for? Who remembers?

Why don't I let you get me in the middle of all this? Boy, I'm asking myself the

same thing.

I guess I better go home and try to undo some of the damage you've done.

Hi, Cindy, it's John.

Listen, about our date tonight, I'm going to be a little late, but it'll

take me a little while.

John Lacey.

It'll just take me a few minutes more.

You did what?

Well, of course, anybody can forget.

It's lucky I called you to remind you.

Oh, really?

Well, if you and Roger haven't picked out a restaurant yet, there are dinner

reservations at Le Chardonnay under my name.

L -A -C -E -Y.

I think that's called breakdancing.

I do hope Dr.

Osborne has homeowner's insurance.

Did you get your passport yet, Kate?

Picked it up this morning. Must be very excited about going to Greece, huh? Oh,

I can't wait. Oh, you'll love it. Just be careful not to drink the water.

My ex -husband and I went there on our honeymoon.

Poor George spent the better part of the trip in the bathroom.

party a week from Sunday, and I hope that everyone will be there.

Except, you know who.

Kirk will be very hurt.

I know.

Oh, that was great. Let's do that again. Thank you, but I'm pretty exhausted.

I've got to get off my feet.

Oh, sounds good.

You need a hand? No, thanks.

I feel sick.

Should I see if I could find Dr. Osborne?

This is Dr.

Osborne.

Oh,

it's nice to meet you.

I'm going to get some punch. Excuse me.

Hi.

Hello.

What's your name?

wander. Wander by name, wander by nature.

It's a gypsy in my soul, I suppose.

I like to think of myself as a free spirit.

Live for the moment. These are regrets to the poets.

Our bodies were made to be thrilled, Ralph.

So why waste a single sensation?

I get the impression that that you I feel the same way, Ralph.

Oh, yes.

Free spirit, that's me.

Once in a supermarket, I went through the express line with 11 items.

What a rush.

I could tell you were dangerous, Ralph.

Listen, I was thinking of... Leaving here and going back to my lonely, empty

apartment.

I've had enough to eat and drink.

And now I need just one thing to make this a perfect evening.

I need a man, Ralph.

I need a big, strong man.

I need a man with stamina.

Well, I'll certainly keep my eyes open.

There you are, dear.

Where have you been keeping yourself all evening? Oh, just taking a little tour

of the house.

If you don't mind, Doctor. Of course not.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, yes. The library, the atrium, the master bedroom.

Did you see the beautiful onyx tub in the bathroom? My decorator says it's

enough for four people to bathe at once.

Six.

Oh, John, John, over here.

Oh, hi, everybody. Hi, John.

John, I didn't think you were going to make it tonight.

Well, I just came down for a minute. I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Nothing has worked out for me today. Just nothing.

Oh, really?

I'd rather not talk about it.

All right.

Not only was I stood up, I ruined a friend's life. Yes, dear, we heard you.

day. Pity.

May I have a word with you? Excuse us, everyone.

Dear, whatever's happened, I believe your luck might be changing.

What do you mean? Well, I'm afraid I've been playing Cupid. I met a very nice

woman. I told her all about you, and she seemed very interested. Come on, come

on, Louise. Please, not today. It'll just turn out to be another disaster.

Please. Nonsense.

John, look.

She's over there.

Oh, come on, Louise. She's gorgeous. She wouldn't give me the time of day.

Now, now.

You never know until you try.

I don't know how many men I've told that to.

Now, off you go. March. All right, but you'll see.

Excuse me, miss.

I would love to dance with you, but I'm sure you're going to turn me down, so

would you please just do it as quickly and painlessly as possible?

So I can go home and go to bed?

Actually, I'd love to dance with you. Sure, just my luck.

Thank you, God.

I don't know about you, but I'm having a terrific time tonight.

Funny, isn't it? How well the two of us just instantly hit it off.

It's like some people say we must have known each other in a previous life.

Yes, isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Well, that's funny.

That's the same thing you said to me that night we had dinner with Harriet

Marco Polo.

You know, I'm really glad you decided to come tonight.

I was beginning to feel a little bit sentimental.

Really? Why?

I don't know. A big party like this always tends to remind me of my husband.

Oh, you really like parties, huh? Oh, yeah. David was the life of every party

ever attended.

He was gregarious, witty, and one of the most intelligent men I'd ever met.

Oh, I don't know. From where I stand, I think David was a complete fool.

Why would you say that?

Well, he had to be an idiot to let someone like you walk away.

He didn't let me walk away.

Well, if he was the one that walked out, then he was more stupid than I thought.

Actually, he died.

I didn't mean that.

Would you excuse me just for a second? Of course, of course.

A

spider,

big one.

Don't worry, I got him.

Oh, listen, Liz, about what I said before, you're not leaving, are you?

I had no idea it was getting so late. Oh, God, just my luck. I didn't think

things would turn out this way. Listen, before you go, is there any way I can

get your number?

Sure.

Why don't we go over to your place and I'll write it down.

My place.

Right.

This is a setup, isn't it?

Hi, guys.

Hey,

Red.

Rumor has it you're having a bamboo ash party Sunday night.

Anything I can do to help?

Yes.

Stay away.

All right.

That's the way you want it, but just do me one favor, all right? What? What is

it, Kirk?

You take good care of yourself. Yeah, you know, that's exactly what I thought

you were... What?

I said take good care of yourself. There's a lot of mean people out there.

don't want anything to happen to you.

I'll be careful.

Hey,

I'll miss you.

You'll miss me?

I want you to have this.

Why?

It's kind of a good luck charm. It's been in my family forever. My

gave it to me just before she passed on, and it's kept me out of some pretty

tight jams. I thought I might do the same for you.

Thanks.

So... Yeah?

Now can I come to your party on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, sure, you can come. All right.

Before we go in, I just want you to know that I'm not one of those people who,

you know, expects anything just because she came back to my apartment with me.

It was my idea to come to your apartment.

A great idea it was.

My book is right up there with fire and the wheel.

Shall we?

Right.

We have to be very quiet. The lady next door likes to listen at the wall with a

glass.

Mrs. Lemenski does not have a key to my apartment.

She used one of my credit cards.

John, you've got to do something about that lock. I just don't feel safe here.

What?

Hello. Oh, sorry. Liz, this is Ken. He's a friend of mine. Ken, Liz.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

So what are you doing here, Ken?

Maggie threw me out, and it's all your fault. My fault?

I was trying to help you.

Oh, some help.

It's the end of my marriage.

It's the end of 20 years.

I've lost my home, my wife, my lovely kid.

I got nothing left to live for.

She's kind of tasty, isn't she?

Anyway,

no big deal.

Just give me a week or two, and I'll find a place of my own. A week or two?

Listen, Ken, Liz and I... Good night, John.

Where are you going?

Your friend needs help.

With nice meeting you, Ken.

I'm sorry about what happened. No, no, no, wait, wait, Liz, wait.

John, in or out? I'm trying to get some sleep here.

Liz, would you mind waiting in the hall for just a moment?

Sure.

What are you doing? I'm going to call Maggie.

What? What?

Maggie, hello, this is John. Now, don't say anything.

I know you're angry, but just give me a moment to pour Ken's heart out to you.

Look, Maggie, please, take him back. Take him back, please, please, please.

him back, please, take him back.

You don't want a divorce. You know, look, I know about divorce. Divorce

are a very dark, sallow group of people.

No, divorce is very bad for your health.

Take him back, if just for medical reasons, just for your complexion, take

back.

Maggie, unity is the cornerstone of our society.

Marriage is the linchpin of that unity.

When marriages break up, you start having all these people all over America

living separate lives in separate apartments using separate...

Deodorant sprays. Maggie!

For the sake of the ozone layer, take him back!

All right, Maggie, Maggie.

You don't have to take him back permanently. Just take him back tonight.

Just tonight.

You don't like him? Throw him back tomorrow.

Damn.

What's she say? She's tired. She'll take you back in the morning.

Oh, Liz.

Please.

I knew something was going to happen to Ruan this evening.

Look, maybe it's for the best. I don't usually spend the night with someone on

the first date anyway. Oh, I understand.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Sorry? No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't really mean that. What I meant was, can

you again?

Sure. Can I buy you brunch sometime?

Brunch? You were going to sleep with me and now you're talking eggs, Benedict?

It's getting late, John.

Good night. I'll call you.

Oh, hi, Liz. Hi, Liz.

What are you... Come in.

Is your friend still with you?

Yes, he went back early this morning. His wife relented and took him back.

What are you doing here?

I thought you might be in the mood for a little Sunday brunch.

Sunday brunch?

Well, that sounds great. I'll just get cleaned up.

Sunday brunch? You say Sunday? Today's Saturday, isn't it?

Yes, I know.

But the restaurant that I had in mind is in a little hotel in Connecticut.

I booked us a room for the whole weekend.

You what? I mean, great.

So we better go.

Right.

You going like that?

Huh? Oh, yes, of course. I should pack a few things first.

Yes, why don't you do that?

Yeah. I'll bring the car around. Yeah.

Be right down.