Original subtitles

Thank you.

is filmed for a studio audience.

I think there's entirely too much emphasis on marriage.

Don't you hate it when you meet a guy and he's terrific looking and he's got

this great job and he treats you like a princess?

And then, on the third date, he spoils it all by asking you to marry him.

Oh, yeah, that is such a killer.

Lately, I've decided that men are like streetcars.

Street cars?

Yes. When one comes along, you'd better jump on it.

It's amazing.

Why is it that all the men in my family who are still single are considered to

be playing the field, but when it comes to me, all I ever hear is, Any luck yet?

I hear you, sisters.

I'm sure you do, Mrs.

Philbert. I imagine over your lifetime you've had many experiences in which men

have treated you in an undignified way.

Yes, and I have pictures, too.

Center Ski Weekend. The bus is picking us up right here. A skiing weekend?

I'm jealous.

Yeah, so am I.

Hi, everybody. Good night, Ralph.

John, I didn't know you were going on a ski trip. When did this come about? You

know how the community center's been raffling off these free ski weekends?

Oh, John, you won.

No, Kirk did.

He's taking me with him. So, in other words, you lost.

on an adventure enjoying all the best nature has to offer.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This is for you.

Oh, what's this?

It's a walkie -talkie, John. Don't go anywhere without that. This way here, we

can scan twice as much territory in our quest for snowbound bimbettes.

Hey, oh, you wait here. I'll show you.

Oh, not a bad idea.

Do you also want to share a can?

Oh, yeah, but before we go, do you mind if we stop upstairs and get some hot

chocolate? Oh, that's a good idea.

It's the same leg I hurt in the war.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah.

Happened this morning on the 90 -meter ski jump.

Yeah.

It was the second worst spill I ever took.

What was the worst?

Well, did you ever see the opening of the Wide World of Sports?

I don't like to brag, but...

I'm the agony of the thief.

So, uh, what do you say?

You want to sign my cast?

Is

there any

way to talk to a veteran?

Why do people wear these things?

There's eight inches of new powder on the slopes. What are you doing in here?

was waiting for you. I got reservations for lunch. Oh, great. I can use some

lunch. Hey, what, you go shopping? Yeah, I stopped by the gift shop for a little

reading material, and look what I found. Sherlock Holmes?

What's the matter? They were out of People magazine?

No, no, no, no. It's got Scandal and Bohemia in it. I haven't read that story

a long time. It's a lot of fun. This is the one where Sherlock Holmes disguises

himself as a priest. Uh, or is it a beggar? He disguised himself as a

He was a beggar and hounded the basketballs.

Hey, thank you. Hey, you really know you're Arthur Conan Doyle, don't you?

Well, I should.

I'm a Baker Street irregular.

Have you tried a little oat bran in your diet?

Well, John Lacey.

Dave Preston. Kirk Morris. You really are a part of the Sherlock Holmes

Well, you don't believe me?

Let me see.

You're from New York.

You're divorced, and you're a schoolteacher.

How did you know that?

Your New York accent?

You're not wearing a wedding band.

talking about you to a redhead at the bar. Oh.

Which is why I also know that your friend here is a multimillionaire from

California.

Wow.

That's very good.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Yeah, is that so?

Holmes, you're not only very clever, you're also very nosy.

Brilliant deductions.

Uh, Judge, speaking of deductions, how about we write this guy off?

Hey, you know something?

I was always very curious about when on of those Baker Street meetings.

Well, I'd be glad to tell you all about it. I was just on my way up to the

slopes to do a little skiing.

You want to join me?

Yes, I would. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Kirk, you want to come? Well, what about lunch, John? I got us a table by

the window and everything.

Well, I think I'll grab a little something later.

Oh, yeah, okay. Hey, but don't forget about the singles mixer tonight. Yeah,

right? You got it. Okay.

So tell me, what are they really good at?

What? You never heard of fake dealing?

True, John. Absolutely true. Oh, wait a minute. Are you crazy?

Are you stock raving, man? Is this high altitude getting to you? I'm sorry, but

a fact's a fact. I'm not going to give in on this. You mean to tell me

sincerely, in your heart, that Abbott was funnier than Costello?

He was.

The next thing you'll tell me is that Ethel was funnier than Lucy.

No, but Fred was funnier than Ricky.

I'll have to give you that one.

You said you were only going to play one game. You've been over here for an hour

and a half.

Here they come.

See? Look at this.

Look at this.

What do you say we go buy those two hot bodies, two hot dotties? Maybe a little

later. A little later, okay?

John, you and baby boy are spending way too much time together.

People are starting to get perverse thoughts.

What people?

Well, me for one.

Hey, guess what? I just found out they got night skiing.

You want to go?

Yes, that's terrific. You're on.

I'll meet you up front in five minutes.

What do you say, Kirk? Feel like a little night skiing? John, what about

singles mixer tonight?

Come on, may I remind you our plan was not night skiing.

Come on, Kirk. I've never been night skiing before. I'd like to give it a

Come on, join us. I hate to leave you here alone.

Alone?

You've got to be kidding.

You see that snow bunny over there, John?

Later on, her and I are going to go out in the snow. We're going to take off all

our clothes and play Dr.

Zhavago.

Hey, go wait up for me.

are freezing, and I don't have to tell you what it's been like on the subway.

Oh, yes, with all those strangers pushing up against you, not to mention

men with the roving hands.

Great, isn't it?

I am so mad, I could spit.

Cold weather getting to you too, Mary Beth?

No. I just found out I'm going to have to fly to Miami Beach for the weekend.

a bunch of money.

How dare they?

And it's also last minute. The airline had nothing left, so they had to bump me

up to first class on an earlier flight.

Oh, no. Another snack.

street, and the guy behind the cash register, he gave me the wave, and then

tried to hand me $75 and his whole watch.

Go figure.

Hey, guys.

Hello, John.

How was the skiing weekend?

Yes. Did you and John have fun? Me and my buddy John had the time of our lives.

We were inseparable. He wouldn't make a move without me.

Hi, everyone.

John, there you are. I've been trying to call you all week. I've been very busy.

Did I get a call here tonight?

No, why?

I've been trying to land these tickets to the Knicks -Celtics game.

Knicks -Celtics? Yeah. That's practically impossible.

Well, tell me about it. I've been calling all over. And you know, I think

might just have spotted a couple.

All right!

Hey!

So, uh, what were you calling me about, Colonel? Oh, um, I thought you might

want to discuss some of the hidden nuances of Sherlock Holmes.

Nuances? Yeah. Did you know?

Did you have any idea?

Were you at all cognizant of the fact that Sherlock played the violin and

he smoked a pipe?

Gee, I didn't know that.

Well, now you do, buddy.

John Lacey?

John Lacey, me. Here. You get Foucault. Oh, great! I bet we got those tickets.

Yes!

So, Chow Ling, how are the English classes coming along?

English very well.

Hello?

Is John a great guy or what? I take him on a ski weekend, and he's trying to pay

me back by getting us Nick Celtics tickets.

He's like the brother I never had.

Kirk, didn't you once tell us you had a brother?

Yeah, but I hate his guts.

Hey, guess what? I got him. I got him. Two great seats.

Yeah, and Dave's an even bigger Knicks fan than I am.

Dave? Yeah, Dave. Dave Travis.

Kirk and I met him up at the ski lodge. He's a terrific guy, isn't he, Kirk?

Oh, yeah.

Terrific. Barrel of laughs, this guy.

Oh.

Oh, whoa, look at the time.

I just remembered.

Old Blue Eyes is in town, and he wanted me to help him pick out a couple of

songs. Oh, come on, Kirk. You expect us to believe you're meeting Frank Sinatra

tonight?

Leave whatever you want.

Hey, what's with him?

John, that wasn't very nice.

No, it certainly wasn't. Excuse me?

Kirk was very hurt.

What are you talking about?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And I don't even know what's going on.

Well, would someone please tell me what's going on here?

Kirk thought you were taking him to the basketball game.

Yeah, but I already asked Dave.

Dave, why would you...

What do you mean, what? I enjoy his company. We get along great together.

Besides, we practically spent the entire weekend together, he and I. Well, what

was Kurt doing all this time?

I don't know. He was off doing his own thing.

No wonder his feelings were hurt.

I know if I went away for the weekend with somebody, I'd be devastated if they

spent all their time with somebody else.

Has that actually ever happened to you?

Don't be silly.

think so.

Anyway, John, that is no way to treat a friend.

A friend? Kirk?

Oh, come on. All right. I guess so, but not in a traditional sense.

Besides, what is your definition of a friend?

Maybe someone who takes you on a free ski weekend?

Yes, someone who'd give you a nickname like Big Bear.

Someone who tells you things you never knew about Sherlock Holmes?

John, we're all supposed to be friends here.

Oh, come on, Kate. We all know what you think of Kirk.

For crying out loud, you wouldn't even let me give him your phone number. All

right, okay, so I was wrong.

Look, next time he asks for my phone number, give it to him.

John, if Kirk's not your friend, what about the rest of us?

Yes, what are we?

Oh, come on. You guys are, uh... I mean, you guys are...

Right. Right.

I've been an insensitive jerk.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find Kirk.

I've got to patch up our friendship.

That's the spirit, John.

Oh, yeah. I also have to give him your phone number.

Kirk, I... I got your message.

Well, you didn't have to come all the way over here. I just wanted to tell you

something. No, I wanted to come over.

Because, uh... There's something I want to tell you, too.

Yeah, I guess you do. I guess you have a lot to say.

Now, look, whatever feelings you want to get off your chest, I understand.

I want my walkie -talkie back.

You do?

A walkie -talkie is a thing that needs two people, John.

Two friends.

Otherwise, it's meaningless. It's just a walkie.

Without the talkie.

Well, I'm sorry, Kirk. I can't give it back to you because I need it. What are

you talking about?

See, I just won the community center ski trip for this weekend.

Oh, I get it.

And you want to borrow my hair for the walkie -talkie for Dave.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Would I want to go with a guy I just met?

No way.

I want to go with a guy I know.

A guy I have something in common with.

You know, a friend.

A buddy.

Who?

You. You're the friend I want to go with.

Oh, what's the matter? A little Davey busy?

Oh, would you stop it with Dave already? Look, you want a weekend and you ask

me, right?

And why? Because I'm your friend.

Now... I want a weekend, and I'm asking you. And why? Because you're my friend.

Now, look, I gave it a lot of thought. Mr. Lacey, this is the Chaparral Ski

Lodge. We got the wrong expiration date on your credit card. Please call us

back.

Credit card?

You didn't win a free ski weekend, did you, John?

Uh, no, Kirk, I did not.

You... spent your own money, a lot of money, to be with someone you like.

Me.

And you weren't even going to tell me, were you?

Talk about pathetic.

John, John, John, you poor, lonely man.