Original subtitles

Well, if you would watch where you were going, I wouldn't have bumped into you

in the first place.

Same to you.

Boy, oh boy.

Thinks she's never been pinched before.

Maybe it's my cologne.

Hey, wait.

What do you think women would like on a guy like me?

How about mace?

So...

You think John will be here tonight?

Oh, I don't know. I called him earlier today. He didn't sound too good. Ah,

what's wrong?

Well, this Sunday is the second anniversary of the day that Wendy

with that Dear John letter. Oh, no.

It's that time of year again.

DJ day.

I don't know. Last year he was so depressed he locked himself in his

the entire weekend and stuffed himself with ding -dongs.

Well, good evening, everybody.

Hi, John.

Are you all right?

Huh? Yeah, fine.

Oh,

I know what you're thinking.

Black Sundays this weekend, huh?

Well, past that now.

What's done is done, and you don't have to worry about me pigging out on ding

-dongs. Got a whole new attitude this year. Oh, good for you, John. That's

terrific. Ray, John, maybe later we'll knock back a couple of brewskis to

celebrate. Oh, good. I sure could use something to wash down these twinkies.

filmed before a studio audience.

John, you better give the Twinkies a rest or plan on wearing that chair home.

Oh, come on, really.

Now, you got that Dear John letter two years ago. You can't keep stuffing your

face every time DJ Day rolls around.

I am moving on. This is my sixth Twinkie.

Oh, Mrs.

Filbert, you certainly were a beautiful teenager.

Well, you don't get to look like this overnight.

So what do we got here?

Mrs. Filbert is going to her 60th high school reunion this Sunday.

Tom's taking me. I'm so excited.

Look at this photograph of her at 16 with her boyfriend.

Move over, Mary.

Thanks.

John, isn't Mrs. Filbert the most adorable thing you've ever seen?

Yeah, it's very good. Very good.

Well put.

Oh, you know, you were so cute. You looked just like a Kewpie doll.

Oh, I'm no Kewpie doll, honey.

I was a vamp.

Especially when I played my ukulele.

I just have it restrung for the reunion.

I used to drive the boys wild when I played this thing.

I guess that explains all those notches on it.

Do you know Honolulu Baby?

Honolulu Baby?

Two bars of that and the boys would be fighting to get into my rumble seat.

Honolulu Baby, where'd you get those eyes?

And that comes flat. Oh,

Mrs. Phillips, stop, please. I can't control myself.

Works every time.

Oh, hey, Thomas.

Oh, will you excuse me? I have to go see what the big guy wants.

As if I didn't know.

Boy, Mrs. Filbert sure looks pretty.

I wish I had a girlfriend in high school who looked like her.

What am I saying? I would have settled for a girlfriend who looked like him.

So that was her boyfriend, huh? Yes, that was Mrs.

Filbert's high school sweetheart,

Lloyd. Oh, that's why she's so excited about the reunion, because Lloyd's going

to be there. No, because Lloyd's not going to be there.

You see...

Mrs. Filbert and Lloyd were engaged to be married. But two days before the

wedding, Lloyd ran off with her best friend, Clara.

Ran off with her best friend? That's right.

Oh, God, where am I? Twinkies. John.

Sit down.

Twinkies? Oh, DJ day is this Sunday.

Oh.

Do you mind?

Do you mind?

We were talking about Mrs. Filbert, right? Oh, yes, well.

reunion Mrs. Filbert's ever gone to. She was always afraid she'd run into Lloyd

and Clara.

I imagine having two women fighting over you like that.

Trust me, Ralphie, it's a sobering experience.

Mrs. Filbert, what are you going to wear to the reunion?

Nothing.

That ought to get their hearts started.

No, I mean, I'm not going.

Tom can't take me. He's going out of town.

Well, where's... Where's he going?

He has a speaking engagement.

Wilbur, you can't miss a day like this. You've waited such a long time.

I'm not dragging all the way out to Weehawken, New Jersey by myself.

I went all the way to Nebraska for my reunion.

You went to high school in Nebraska?

No. Guess that's why I was voted most gullible.

John. John.

Why don't you take her?

Huh? Me?

No, I don't know. I'm sorry, Mrs. Philbert. I sort of have plans for

Yeah, he's staying home for the big twink off.

John, it will do you good to get out of the house Sunday. Take your mind off

things. It's just for the afternoon.

Yeah, you wouldn't want Mrs. Philbert to miss her reunion, would you?

Oh, who cares?

Who wants to go to a stupid 60th reunion anyway?

I'll see you next week.

Mrs. Philbert, I'd be honored to take you.

Oh, that's very sweet, John.

Thank you.

But let's get one thing straight.

As a rule, I don't fool around on the first date.

Okay.

And again, rules were made to be broken.

Mrs. Philby, Mrs. Philby. Let's just give him the rest, please.

That was our seventh Charleston.

Besides, it's almost five o 'clock. We should be going home now, huh?

Well, aren't you having a good time?

What? Yes, yes, yes. I'm having a great time.

But today is the day that I have to be at home, alone, all by myself.

Do you care for an Oreo?

How about a Malamar?

Let me just talk to Dolly before we go. I'll wash this down with some punch.

Hey, John.

Oh, I saw you dancing there. You cut a mean rug. Put her there.

Yeah, you sure did, Lester.

Why, that's even funnier than the dribble glass.

Now you know why they call me Lester the Jester, eh? Yeah. Eh? Yeah. Eh? Yeah!

Oh, that Bonnie.

She's still cute as a button.

But oh, what a temper.

Bonnie, Gilbert, a temper?

Didn't you hear what she did when her best friend Clara stole her fiancé and

took off with him? No, I didn't.

You see, Clara had the best head of hair in Weehawken.

And when Clara and Lloyd took off in their roadster to the lope, Bonnie

alongside on a motorcycle and tried to cut off Claire's hair with a pair of

sheep shears. And she would have done it, too, if the sidecar hadn't hooked on

hog.

That sweet old lady did that?

Hard to believe, huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah!

Oh, no, no, no, no, Dottie. I did not swoon over Rudolph Valentino. You did

Remember, we saw all of his movies together.

You loved Rudolph Valentino. Not Rudolph Valentino. Rudy Valli.

But don't you remember we saw him on a double bill with Nelson Eddy?

No, not Nelson Eddy. Eddie Cantor.

I just remembered.

I never went to a movie with you.

A little bit.

About time to go, isn't it? Hey, Bonnie.

What do you say we trip the light fantastic, huh?

Okay, one more.

Well, well, well.

I don't believe my eyes.

Look who came after me.

Lloyd. Clara Ann Lloyd?

Oh, no, no, no.

What's new?

Hello, Lloyd.

Hello, Clara.

It's been a long time.

Not long enough.

You can't still be upset with me. It's almost 60 years. What could I do? Lloyd

swept me off my feet. Big deal.

Your legs are already in the air.

Sorry. Bonnie, did you ever manage to get married?

I'm between husbands right now.

You never could hold on to a man.

Well, I held on to this one for three years.

This is my fiancé, John.

Fiancé.

Why? Look at the time. We have to go. It was really nice meeting you.

Come on, let's go, Lamb Chop.

Just a minute, Popsicle.

I want to apologize.

You do?

Yes, yes.

I just haven't been myself lately.

Well, I mean, what with planning our wedding and...

Oh, I understand, dear. I'm so glad we decided to come at the last minute. Oh,

it's really too bad you couldn't get here sooner.

You and I have so much to catch up on.

Yeah. Oh, why don't we go to our place for coffee?

Our place? No, no, no, no, no. It would be much too hard on them. We live all

the way over, and we go hard.

We live in Jackson Heights. We're practically neighbors. We would love to

over. Oh, isn't that great, John? Oh, actually, yeah. John loves entertaining.

Can I pick him or what?

Look, Mrs. Phillips, I'm really glad that you made up with your friends, but

this is just a good night for me, you know? So we'll just have them in for a

of coffee, a little small talk, and then we'll send them on their way, okay?

Don't worry. It won't take me long. Give all belongs to me.

What's that?

Lloyd. Whoa!

This is crazy.

Take Lloyd?

You can't break up a 60 -year marriage.

Oh, no.

That's one of the great things about life.

A woman is never too old to be a homewrecker.

This is crazy.

You can't break up Clara and Lloyd.

Oh, quit bellyaching. You give me the heebie -jeebies.

Just how do you think you're going to go about getting Lloyd back, anyway?

Simple. I'm going to seduce him.

Oh, Mrs. Philbert. If you'll excuse me, I have to go get freshened up for the

kill. Mrs. Philbert, look, I don't need this right now.

All I want to do is be left alone.

Now, look.

One coffee, and you and Lloyd and Clara are out of here.

Hi, John!

I've got to start using that

peephole.

the neighborhood, so we thought we'd drop by. In the neighborhood? Yeah, we

on our regular Sunday night walk.

Since when do you have a regular Sunday night walk?

This is our first night.

Pretty quick, huh?

All right, John.

We needn't beat around the bush.

We were a bit concerned about you facing DJ night alone.

Okay, all right, look, I appreciate that, but I'm in great shape.

So, as a matter of fact, would you please get out of here, because...

I have a woman here tonight. No! Yes, yes.

Please, please, please.

So you don't have to worry about my being depressed.

Hi, gang.

Oh, John.

You really are depressed.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

It's not going to work, John. You're not going to get rid of us that easily.

So, Mrs. Philbert, how was the reunion?

Oh, it was fine. Until Clara and Lloyd showed up, that is. What happened? Well,

it's a long story and involves sheep shears, but I'll tell you all about that

some other time when you're all not leaving.

Okay. Oh, hi.

Hi. We were just talking about you. Hello, John. You didn't mention that it

a party. Trust me, it's no party. Come in.

We're friends of John's.

Hello.

Well,

you must be very excited about their engagement.

Whose engagement?

Monty's and John's?

What? You're engaged?

Wow, I didn't even know you two were going together.

So, uh, tell me, have you two given any thought to kids?

Guys, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a moment, please? Oh, good, good.

I'll bet John's going to show us his china pattern.

Where are you registered?

Get in the kitchen, please.

All right, look, let me tell you what's going on.

At the reunion, Mrs.

Philbert, in order to save face, told Lloyd and Clara that I was her fiancé.

right? Now, you got that?

Good.

Now... Excuse me. Yeah.

Bonnie asked me to get the coffee started.

Uh -huh.

Where do you keep the filters?

Oh, it's in the top drawer. Oh, never mind. I'll get it.

So, anyway, John, about this wedding, after you and Mrs. Philbert tie the

knot... Are you guys going to live here or try and save some money and shack up

with our parents?

There. There you are, Karen. Thank you. Everybody, please, please, please.

Excuse us.

John, if you wanted so badly to be alone, why did you invite Lloyd and

over for coffee? I didn't. Mrs. Philbert did. She has this crazy plan about

seducing Lloyd.

Oh, suddenly I have newfound respect for the Philster. Hey, come on.

Kirk, I'm not going to let that happen here.

Now, look, I wouldn't say this if I didn't love you all. Would you please

the hell out of my apartment?

John,

somebody is playing the ukulele in your bedroom. Oh, my God.

What is that?

Foreplay.

Mrs. Philpott's in there with Lloyd.

Give me that.

Oh, nuts. One more chorus and I'd have had him.

Bonnie, you haven't changed a bit.

You're no different than you were 60 years ago.

You couldn't get Floyd then and you can't get him now.

You can't talk like that to me, you trollop.

Please,

can't we resolve our differences in a more civilized manner?

Come, Clara. Come, Mrs. Philpott. Sit.

That's a reasonable idea, Louise.

Now, who'd like to begin?

Well, I've been having some problems lately.

Let's look at the facts, shall we? Now, Mrs.

Filbert, while it's true that Clara absconded with your betrothed...

Well, I tried.

Tried? You tried more men than Judge Wapner.

And, Clara, you've had a wonderful 60 -year marriage, so it seems both of

you got what you wanted.

Therefore, I think it's time to bury old grievances and retrieve the warm

friendship of old school chums.

What say, girls?

I never really did believe in these techniques.

Let me give it a try.

Mrs.

Filbert, I've been with you all day, watching you enjoy a perfectly wonderful

reunion. And now you're going to spoil it. And why?

Because you keep holding on to all that anger from 60 years ago.

Mrs. Filbert, believe me, I know better than anyone how much it hurts to lose

somebody like that.

So?

I'm really sorry.

Look, there comes a time to let that anger go. You understand?

And I, for one, think that that time is right now, Mrs. Filbert.

What's so important about now?

Mrs. Filbert.

Mrs. Filbert.

How many more reunions do you have to waste?

Clara.

Deep down in my heart, I always knew that my life turned out the way it

have.

Thanks for stealing Lloyd.

It was my pleasure.

And now come over to my place and let's have a real reunion.

Oh, I'd love it.

Wait till I get my ukulele.

No, no, no, no, no.

Lamp shop, leave the ukulele here.

Your fiancé.

is very charming.

Oh. He's not my fiancé.

He's just a passing fancy.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Have a nice night.

Oh, boy.

You know, those were good words you said to Mrs.

Philbert about anger, John.

Words...

Yes, they were good, weren't they?

So, do you think you could live by them?

Well, I could try.

Is anybody hungry?

I'm not. I haven't had dinner. Got anything good to eat in there, Joe?

think I have some mud pies that I bought for the weekend.

Just a few, though.

is in the deep freeze when an old acquaintance wants a court order to be

And Roxanne's got a case of opening night jitters.

This is Blair Underwood. The curtain goes up on L .A. Law next.

And Friday night, come in from the cold and heat up with adventure, action, and

intrigue on NBC with Baywatch, True Blue, and Mancuso FBI Friday.

You know, I haven't been down to the village in years. Where did you find

cute little restaurant?

Oh, that's where Louis the Torch got rubbed out last week.

Yeah, I figured any place that's got a gangland of slayings has got to have

great linguine.

You know, I really would like to invite you in, but it's late.

Hey, come on. It's only 10 .15.

Yeah, yeah, but my daughter's probably waiting up for me. She just will not go

to bed while the sitter's there. Oh, I'd like to meet her.

Well... She can be kind of rough sometimes on the men I go out with.

a teacher, remember?

I've yet to meet a kid I couldn't win over.

Yeah? You're not too bad with grown -ups, either.

Oh, hey, there she is now. Hi.

Hi.

Melissa, this is John.

Nice to meet you, Melissa.

Did you want to tell you? I teach English.

I already know English.

Well, maybe you're right. It is a little late.

Take care of yourself.