Original subtitles

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Dear John

is

filmed before a live studio audience.

So it's 1978.

I get a call from President Nixon himself.

Now he wants me to fly into Moscow, poke around.

Find out a few things.

This is ridiculous.

First of all, Nixon was thrown out of office long before 1978.

And just because the man falls on hard times, I'm supposed to brush him?

Anyway, I'm in the middle of Red Square. I turn around.

The entire KGB is advancing on me.

Now, my cop is waiting to whisk me to safety. I know that.

But before I leave, I have to do the most difficult thing.

I have ever had to do in all my years in the espionage game.

Oh, please.

I have to bid a fond do svidaniya to the fair Olga.

Olga?

Rezhnev's daughter.

She begged me to take her with me, but I said, I'm taken by Lady Liberty. I'm

married to my country.

On behalf of the country, we'd like a divorce.

Listen, I'm sorry I'm late.

Earlier tonight I met this lady and she's a little upset, so I suggested she

come to the group.

She's waiting in the hall.

Well, bring her in. Sure, the more the merrier.

Gloria?

Gloria, she can sit in on one of our sessions.

She's been recently widowed. Wonderful.

Not that it's wonderful that your husband died, of course.

Please, join us.

Yeah, go ahead.

Now, does anyone remember where we left off last week?

Uh, we was talking about how women are always ignoring Ralphie.

I'm asking too much.

I just love that blouse.

Thank you.

Now, Gloria, perhaps you'd like to tell us a little about yourself.

Well, Louise, actually, I told Gloria she could just sit in on the session.

So if anyone has anything they'd like to talk about... No, really, I... I don't

mind talking.

Let's see.

It's been six months since my husband died.

In the beginning, it wasn't easy.

In fact, I had some pretty tough times.

But I think I've turned the corner on that.

I told Gloria she can get some help here, huh?

You want to hear something really weird?

Please.

I mean, please.

Feel free.

Gloria, this is a support group. You can say anything you want. It's all right.

Oh, it's just that sometimes I think I can

feel his presence.

Submitted for your approval.

A young widow hunted by a specter from the past. Kirk!

We are trying to understand what Gloria might be going through.

Can you possibly show a little interest here? Of course I can.

So, Gloria, how'd you ruin me in croak?

Kirk! Why?

No, wait. I see what he's doing.

Of course you do.

And what would that be, Kirk?

Go ahead, Gloria. You tell him.

telling me that I should stop taking myself so seriously.

Exactly.

I'm glad somebody's paying attention over here.

I think this is what I really needed.

Well, this is remarkable.

It appears that Kirk has blindly, capriciously, and God knows unwittingly,

stumbled onto what may very well be the ideal therapy for Gloria here.

Oh, we can't have.

No, it doesn't seem possible.

But what Gloria has obviously responded to is some simple straight talk.

I think there's a lesson in this.

From here on, we should stop holding back and say what's really on our minds.

Okay.

Here goes.

Kate?

Yes, Ralph?

There's something I wanted to say to you ever since you sat down tonight.

Your chair's on my foot.

Oh, great.

Oh, this is great.

What is it?

It's a saltine.

Try it with something on it. Ooh, I love guacamole. Oh, that's salmon mousse.

I think I'll save my appetite for dinner.

What are we having?

Uh, salmon.

Pass the saltines.

John, I'd like to thank you for inviting us all to your first dinner party as a

bachelor. Oh, welcome. And I'd especially like to thank you for not

Kirk. Oh, but I did.

Yeah, he's busy tonight with Gloria.

I can't tell you how this thing sticks in my craw.

John, let it go. I can't help it. I feel very responsible for Gloria.

I mean, I'm the one that dragged her to the one -to -one club, right? Oh, John,

just because you let her in there like a lamb to the slaughter... Please, Kate,

please. I feel bad enough as it is.

You know, he must have called me about 19 times tonight.

What for?

Well, first he wanted to borrow an ice bucket, and then he wanted to know if I

had any Sinatra records.

But, uh, basically, the main reason for his call was to remind me that tonight's

the night.

John, let's... All right, I'm sorry.

Can we talk about something less depressing?

This is the best party I've ever been to.

Oh,

listen, I gotta get back to my entree. You guys keep up the party, okay?

John, do you need any help? No, no, no, no. You just go out and join yourselves.

Hey, Ralph, would you get that for me, please?

Gosh, it just keeps getting better and better.

John's residence.

John. What?

It's for you.

I kind of assumed that, Ralph.

Take a message.

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. The whole gang is here.

about you.

Unbelievable, huh?

Another favor, right?

Well, no, why do you want John to come over there?

Oh, I can't believe this. This is ridiculous.

I'm in the middle of making dinner here.

He can't believe this. This is ridiculous. He's in the middle of making

over there. Ralph, would you hang up the phone? But John, there's trouble.

Hang up the phone.

I'm hanging up the phone now.

By the way, you're missing a great part.

I don't care if there is trouble. I don't care if his house is burning down.

not going to go rushing over there just because Kirk is in trouble. No, no, that

was Gloria on the phone.

So when the bell rings on the timer, serve the salmon, the wines in the

and lock the door when you leave.

Let's do this again soon.

Well, everybody, let's party.

Judge, you're here.

Gloria, what's happened?

John, it was terrible.

Our day was going great, and then all of a sudden it got a little bit out of

hand. Gloria, what has that animal done to you?

Oh, no, John. Actually, it's what I've done to him.

John, is that you?

You did this? You're damn right she did.

I thought it would be fun.

John, you've got to help me.

I've got a big problem here. No, wait a minute. Would someone just tell me what

the hell is going on here?

I was teaching him how to play good cop, naughty cop.

Good cop, naughty cop?

Have you ever played?

I used to play kick the can, but that was years ago. Nobody cares.

This is serious.

The key broke off in the lock.

Well, I'm sure you two kids can work it out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got

dinner guests waiting. John, John, John.

Please, please, don't go.

There's an additional development that could make this get very weird.

Get very weird?

Somebody else is coming over. Somebody else?

Oh, let me guess.

The chief of police?

John, this is serious.

It's my mother.

Your mother?

I can't believe you brought me over to your mother's house.

Oh, well, excuse me, Miss Dungeons and Dragons.

I don't understand. Why would you bring Gloria over here if your mother's coming

over? Were you suddenly my social director? She wasn't supposed to be home

tonight. All right, all right. So what do you want me to do, call a locksmith?

No, we already did this. This is New York. We're on a waiting list.

Oh, yes, you can see the merry widow has been enormously helpful.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. So what do

want me to do?

You've got to get me out of here.

You've got to help me down those four flights of stairs.

Down the four flights?

All right, you get one arm, I'll get the other.

Ralph. It's after midnight. What are you still doing here?

Partying.

You mean Louise and Kate are still... No, no, they left hours ago. I thought

about going with them, but I was just having too much fun.

John,

you think we're disturbing the neighbors? Maybe we better keep it down.

Yeah.

Good idea, Ralph.

Uh, John, oh, Ralphie, what are you doing here?

Hey, well, you know, just letting the good times roll.

Yeah, but it's getting kind of late, don't you think? You know, you don't

to burn out too early in the social season.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

Plus, I'm a little worried about how I'm going to feel in the morning.

You think I'm okay to drive?

Why? What have you had to drink? Nothing.

You'll be fine.

What a night.

John, I want to ask you a favor. Kirk, I helped you out enough tonight.

I had to convince your mother that we were rehearsing a talent show.

I got you to the locksmith. I persuaded that nice couple in the dog collars to

let us go first.

I understand. Tell you what, I'll buy you a beer before the meeting on Friday

night. Look, Kirk, I gotta tell you, I'm not exactly sure what your status is as

far as this group is concerned.

What are you talking about?

Well, some things were said in your absence.

Like what?

Like this time you finally went too far.

Like you used the group to take advantage of an emotionally defenseless

What did you say?

That is what I said.

Look, John, I'm sure in a couple days, everyone's going to forget all about

thing with Gloria. Look, Kurt, it's not just that. It's your whole attitude.

I mean, you are insensitive to other people's problems.

It's like the fact that you claim to be a CIA agent dodging death squads when

the reality is you live with your mother. It's like the fact that... Well,

actually, John, I don't live with my mother. It's just that...

I can't bring civilians to my house because my address is classified. Oh,

Would you just give it up? Come on, John. That's the kind of guy I am.

Well, that's the kind of guy nobody wants in the group anymore.

Nobody wants me in the group?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you... Wait a second, John. I didn't

realize this was so serious.

All right. Forget about what I said before.

I'll do anything. Just, what do I have to do to get back in the group?

What do you have to do?

Well, you have... You have to make a little more effort.

You're going to have to listen.

You're going to have to show a little more sensitivity.

And you're going to have to stop using other people's pains as an opportunity

make jokes.

Was any of this negotiable?

Why do I... Wait, wait, wait. Listen, listen, listen.

Believe me, I can change. And you know why?

Because I care about you guys. And Friday night, John, I am going to prove

you.

And, well, I know I don't always show it, but if it's possible for a man to

love another man, and I mean that in a non -lavender manner,

then I

love you.

I know, you're right, John.

They're just words, and we all know actions speak louder than words.

So... John.

Oh, Kirk, please.

John.

Kirk, come on.

All right, all right.

Have it your way.

What's the big deal about men expressing affection anyway?

Hey, whoa! Shut up, man!

Watch the hands.

So, uh... Basically, what I'm saying is, and I can't even believe I'm saying

this, maybe we ought to give him another chance to prove that he's sincere.

No way.

Maybe John's right. Kirk at least deserves a chance to show us that he's a

changed man.

He'll never change.

I'll prove it to you. How?

By putting him to the test. And trust me, what you'll see is the same old

My grandmother had an expression that fits him to a T.

A leopard never changes his spots.

Once scum, always scum.

Hi, everybody. I'm sorry to be late.

Don't let me interrupt.

Please continue.

Well, we were just getting started.

Does anyone have something they'd like to discuss?

Actually, I do. Okay.

Quite sure how to put this, but, uh, my new roommate, well, it seems

that she's, um, partial to women.

Oh, my God, really?

Yes, Ralph, really.

Well, it seems I kind of walked in on her and a friend in a very

inopportune moment.

And, well, I'm just not sure how to handle it. So, uh,

anyone have any ideas?

Well, if I might offer a suggestion...

If their behavior is not objectionable, then what difference should their sexual

preference make?

It's like I always say.

Live and let live.

Thank you, Kirk. That's sound, prudent advice.

Well, aren't we here to help each other?

You're absolutely right, Kirk.

On that note, I think we should all welcome Kirk back into the group. I

speak for all of us when I say that his newfound sensitivity and honesty makes a

welcome change.

Thank you.

I just want you all to know how much it means to me that you take me back.

It's our pleasure, dear.

It's almost like having a new member.

Everybody, hi!

Good for you, Kurt. Thank you, John. Well, now that that's settled, who'd

to begin? Ralph, have you had any luck on the job front?

Oh, um, excuse me, Louise.

Yes, dear?

I certainly wouldn't want to disrupt the group, so I just wanted to let you all

know in advance that I have to leave early tonight.

Why? I've got an emergency mission in...

I'm sorry, Ralph, it's classified.

What did I tell you?

Grandma was right.

Oh, Kirk, you promised you wouldn't lie about that spy stuff anymore. I'm not

lying. Yeah, right.

All right, all right, have it your own way.

I mean, you must take us for complete idiots, you know that?

Making us believe all this spy stuff.

All this ridiculous mumbo -jumbo about clandestine missions, secret identities,

and classified information. I mean, give us a break.

Mr. Morris.