Original subtitles

Oh.

is filmed before a live studio audience.

And then I saw this beautiful woman on the other side of the room.

So I decided to take your advice and be more assertive.

I took a deep breath.

I walked all the way over to her, smiled, and asked her to dance.

What did she say?

This is a fish store.

twins on Valentine's Day.

I didn't know you had twins. Was it difficult?

No, not really. I got them drunk first.

And I'm Kirk.

Why don't you come sit over here next to me?

Are you here for the one -to -one club, dear?

Do you speak any English?

Oh, this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Oh, that sounds like Japanese.

for a cup of coffee and a fight.

Oh, hello. I'm John.

John, I think that this woman is lost. Apparently, she only speaks Japanese.

Oh, maybe I can help. Hey, John, back off.

She's spoken for.

You expect her to buy that line?

Oh, she says her name is Sachiko.

I was stationed in Japan.

I speak a little Japanese.

Actually,

very little Japanese.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down.

Something about an English class, I think.

I told her I'd take her to her class.

Nice try, John. I saw her first.

My dear.

Ooh.

This is almost too easy.

Momentito.

John, do me a favor. How do I say your place or mine?

John! John, I can't believe that you would help Kirk prey on that poor,

woman. Don't worry. Right now, he's looking deep into her eyes and

like little boys. Do you have a brother?

since the fifth grade. This is great.

My husband and I used to have our own Valentine's party.

He'd dress up like Cupid, strip off all his clothing, and chase me around the

apartment with a little bow and arrow.

That sounds like fun.

Well, more so for me than the other guests.

Hey, remember getting those anonymous Valentine's cards when you were a kid?

you spent the rest of the week trying to figure out who had the crush on you?

was a schoolgirl. I used to get one every year. Always the same message.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I wish you'd come over and play.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Did you ever find out who sent them? No, but they did stop arriving the same

year the headmaster was sent away.

Oh, oh, I got the sweetest Valentine's Day card today.

Oh, Ralph.

Somebody special, Ralph? Somebody you haven't told us about, Ralph? Well, kind

of. It's my veterinarian.

I'll read it to you.

Your doggie's love is pure and true.

It's never, ever faltered.

But your doggie loves some others, too, so have the sucker altered.

It's a lovely sentiment, Ralph.

Hey, you know what's really great about this Valentine's Day party?

Well, if you can't be with the people that you really care about, at least

with each other.

Uh,

could I try that again? It's all right, dear. We know what you meant.

Say, didn't, uh, didn't Kirk say he was coming over? Yeah, he and Satchko should

be stopping by any minute.

Kirk and Satchko? Uh -huh. He's been seeing her every night this week.

What do you mean, they're dating?

Well, how could that be possible? She doesn't understand a word he says.

What am I saying? That's the only reason it is possible.

Just how serious is this?

Well, I don't know, but he says she's like no one else he's ever dated.

Yeah, she doesn't have a 976 number.

Happy Valentine's Day, you guys.

You remember Satchko, right?

You guys.

This has been the best week of my life.

So you can imagine how good it's been for her.

Right, my little cuttlefish?

So, Satchko, how's the English coming?

That good.

Satchko, why don't you go over to the table and get something to eat?

Hi, guys. Could I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure. I know that this

an official group meeting, but I have one question.

Problem, dear? No, no, no, not really. Sachiko and I are getting along great.

It's just that, uh, well, I was wondering, do you think two people

pursue a meaningful relationship at some point need to talk?

I'd say possible, yes.

Damn it. I was afraid of that.

Pursue a meaningful relationship.

Now, it's... It's none of my business, Kirk, but you've only known this woman

for a week, and you don't have five words in common. Now, what kind of a

could you possibly have for a relationship?

Well, it's hard to describe, Red.

It's kind of a... spiritual thing.

Oh, oh, and do you believe after dinner when Satchko came out with a hot towel

to wipe his hands and face?

I'm surprised you didn't try to floss his teeth.

That's right. You missed that. You were in the cake sheet.

Exaggerating, but not by much.

I don't think you're being fair. Now, she wouldn't do any of those things if

didn't truly care for him. If he truly cared for her, he wouldn't let her fawn

on him that way.

Oh, it's obvious that he doesn't care a thing about her.

He just loves having this obsequious love slave.

It's a typical male fantasy.

Now, wait a minute. I resent that. That's not my fantasy. Mine either.

Oh. All right, I apologize.

No, I fantasize about a galley ship full of well -oiled Viking women.

Thank you for sharing that, Ralph.

Their naked limbs glistening as they hoist up the... I said, I said, thank

Ralph.

I'm sorry to be late, you guys, but Satchko... insisted on taking a little

on my back.

That feels good.

Sometimes I think that woman is too good to me.

You and I agree on something.

Ooh.

What is that supposed to mean?

We saw the way she waited on you hand and foot.

The woman lives to make me happy. Who am I to disappoint her? Oh, come on, Kurt.

How could you let her do those things? Wait a minute.

You think I like all that stuff?

Well, actually, I do, but that's beside the point.

Well, what's the point? John, you should know you were there. The most important

thing in a Japanese woman's life is to please her man. It's what they believe

in.

Who are we to judge?

Why don't we bring back idol worship and polygamy while we're at it? Oh, admit

it, Kirk. You don't really care about this girl, do you? Is that what you

You think I don't care about her?

Huh? You think I don't love her?

Then answer me this.

How come I'm about to ask her to marry me?

You knocked her out?

idea is ridiculous.

No, I don't know. I think there's something to be said for acting on

I remember the first time I saw Bloom Laika. I got knots in my stomach. My

broke out in hives. I got this searing pain behind my eyes.

I knew then that was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

Thank you, Ralphie.

But these people obviously don't understand romance.

of this group, it would be remiss of me not to point out the pitfalls of acting

in this impetuous and reckless manner.

Oh, I just realized if Kirk gets married, we may never see him again.

I hope you both will be very happy.

Oh, wait a minute now. Come on, Louise.

If there's any purpose for us to meet every week here, it's to be able to give

each other some sound advice.

Oh, yeah, John's right.

Kirk.

If you go through with this, you're going to be making a gigantic mistake,

so will Sotchko. Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You guys are giving

marital advice?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see too many golden anniversaries being

celebrated in this room.

Oh, well now, Kirk, I, uh, I mean, it's not as if, I mean, you don't have to,

uh... He makes a very good point, doesn't he?

It's...

Sachiko, give yourself the best possible chance for happiness.

Look, I appreciate your concern, but I've already made up my mind. You guys,

don't understand what this girl means to me.

She's an island in a sea of despair.

She's an oasis in the desert of my heart.

She's a VIP lounge in a desolate airport of my soul.

Boy, he sure can sling it, can't he?

Well, I think now might be a good time to take a break. Five minutes? Yes,

right, Louise. Thank you.

John, can I talk to you for a minute, privately?

Okay, Kurt.

But promise, no more metaphors.

John, I got a major problem.

Satchko wants me to meet her parents.

Well, none of us like to meet our future in -laws, but we all have to do it. No,

that's not the thing. I need you to come along and translate for me.

What? They don't speak any English.

Well, neither did Sashka when you first met her. You're getting along fine with

her, aren't you? No, it's not the same thing. I don't know how far I'm going to

get blowing in her old man's ear.

Listen, Kirk, I really would rather not get involved. John, listen to me. I know

how you look at me, Mr. Cool.

Able to deal with any situation, never at a loss for smart conversation.

Am I right?

More or less, yeah.

Underneath this polished exterior, John, is a very frightened human being.

This woman means a lot to me, John.

I need your help.

Well, I don't know, Kirk. John, if I have to get down on my knees, I will.

Oh, come on, Kirk. No, I...

come on, these are my good pants.

Yes, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Listen, I'd really

rather stay out of this, but as a last resort, when the time comes, if you

feel that you can't handle it, then okay, I'll come along.

Oh, great.

Here's your coat.

Come on, our parents are waiting for us.

Hey. Hello, Kirk.

Hello, John.

Hello, Satchko. Hiya, babe.

What's with her?

Oh, she's probably a little nervous, Kirk.

Well, she got to be nervous about it. I'm the one sitting on the hibachi here.

Oh, it's only natural. There's always a little nervousness involved when meeting

the parents.

Yeah, I wouldn't know. Nobody ever wanted me to meet their parents before.

John. What do you think this is, a bowling alley?

Come on. This is traditional. Take your shoes off. Oh, all right.

Oh, wow. Isn't this some... Boy, look at this place, huh?

Yeah, boy, it sure brings back memories.

What, you've been here before?

No, memories of when I was over there.

Oh, yeah. Isn't this incredible?

Outside, it's Flushing, Queens. You open a door, and you're in Japan.

I'm honored to be a guest here.

Is it going to be easier than I thought?

You have a beautiful home.

When are the movers bringing over the rest of the furniture?

Kirk, I don't think you really want to ask that question. Easy, John.

I'm on a roll. Just translate.

interested in Japan.

I see all the ninja movies.

Hey, that is a shame about Bruce Lee, huh?

Do you know?

I am noticing more and more Japanese businesses popping up all over the

mean, it's like you guys are taking over our country or something.

You know, every massage parlor you see, Japanese.

Kirk, you're really making a big mistake. John, I got a meeting out of my

Enough of this chit -chat.

Mr. Yoshimura, Mrs.

Yoshimura, or if I may... Mom.

Dad.

Mama, Papa.

I've come here today to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Oh, come on.

Are you sure this is the right time? I mean, you haven't even asked Sachiko

John, don't you know anything? You've got to ask the parents first. It's a

of respect. Watch, they're going to love me for this. Kirk, Kirk, I really don't

think this is the right... Let her rip.

Look at him. They're so happy, they're speechless.

They're probably talking about the wedding -making plans, you know.

I guess

he wants to talk about this wedding business now.

That's what we're here for, isn't it?

They're a very traditional family.

He says they won't stand in the way of the marriage, but they won't give their

approval either.

Something about family honor.

So, of course, Mrs. Yashimura has to kill herself.

The woman's going to kill herself.

Suicide is a matter of honor in Japanese culture. He says this will assure her a

place in heaven.

Okay. I have a feeling she's getting to the end of the song. We've got to get

out of here. Not until I find out if she likes me.

Sayonara.

I know

what

you're going through right now, Kurt.

And believe me, I understand how much Sachiko meant to you.

I know it must hurt like hell to have to lose Satchko that way, but... Well,

look, what I'm about to say is going to sound like a cliché.

But the truth is, in time, you're going to forget all about Satchko.

And you see, now, that's the secret.

Now, all you have to do is just give yourself a little...

Passions run high on L .A. law.

Fridays start with a heavenly mystery.

Father Dowling's up to his white collar in crime when he baits a dangerous trap

with a killer of a prostitute.

Then when the syndicate took over, L .A.'s toughest cop got mad.

When they murdered his partners, he decided to get even.

George Pippard is the man against the mob.