Original subtitles

Hi, honey. I'm home.

is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, wonderful, Mr. Seidman. It's moments like these that makes a teacher's life

worthwhile. Complete this quote.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Answer. I just hope it tolls soon so that I can

get out of this class.

Very amusing, Mr. Seidman. You get an F for funny.

Listen, you'll have to wait a minute. I'm not dressed.

No, we were married for ten years.

I've seen you undressed.

It's no big deal.

You know what I mean. Yeah, just a minute.

talk to you. Just a second. Let me take care of something.

Well, it's really great to see

you.

Apparently.

No, I was ironing these when you rang the bell.

You know, it helps if you take them off first.

Thanks for the tip.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Who's with our son?

Oh, Mike took Matthew to the movies. John, Mike and I have a problem.

And we tried to solve this ourselves, but we can't. Oh, great.

Now I have to pay dear Abby for my ex -wife and her boyfriend.

He seems so withdrawn and moody. I'm really worried about him.

I can't seem to say or do anything right. And every time I try talking to

he just clams up.

My, my, how upsetting.

Would you be serious? Be serious now. This is important.

Last night...

Hmm?

Well, he wet the bed.

Mike wet the bed? What, was he drunk?

Not Mike. I'm talking about our son.

Matthew?

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's wrong with Matthew?

I don't know.

I don't know. I even tried checking with his teacher, but she doesn't have a

clue either.

Except that his mood begins to get sour as the weekend approaches.

Now, if anything, a child Matt's age will be looking forward to the weekend.

Well, of course he should. He sees me on the weekend.

Yes. Well, no offense, John, but I was wondering if maybe you should

skip seeing Matt for the next few weeks.

What? What are you talking about?

Are you saying it's me?

Well, Mike and I don't know what else it could be.

Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what else it could be.

It could be that he spent six full days with Mike.

I spent six minutes with that guy, and I'm depressed for the whole week.

Look, John, if you're going to be defensive about this... Yes, you bet I'm

to be defensive.

You're telling me I can't see my son?

That's absolutely unacceptable.

It's not that you should see less of me.

You should see more of me.

Look, Wendy, Matt and I have great times together. I mean, we're like buddies.

We play football every Sunday. You know how he loves to play football.

John, look, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm only thinking of Matt.

Well, so am I.

I'll tell you what.

This weekend, I'll, um... I'll sit him down. We'll have a nice long talk, and

maybe I can find out what's bothering him.

All right.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay, believe me, if you can get to the bottom of this thing, oh, nothing would

make me happier.

Hey, listen, you know, when it comes to raising Matthew, we're in this together.

And we always will be.

You know, I can't help thinking that things would be a lot easier on Matthew

we hadn't split up, huh?

Well, don't worry about it. I'll see if I can't find out what's bothering him.

Thanks.

Oh, John.

Yeah? I just wish there was something I could do for you.

Take off your pants.

Wendy, I've got a meeting to go to in 20 minutes.

Yeah, so you don't think I'm going to let you go out with your crease looking

like that, do you?

Come on.

Come on, fork them over.

All right.

It's the summer of 69.

I get a call.

From my commanding officer.

He wants me to parachute into Hanoi.

Hold it, hold it.

Now, last week you told us that in the summer of 69, you were in Woodstock.

Right. That's where he called me.

Now, apparently what had happened was I was on...

interrupting, dear, but it's not immediately apparent how any of this

to the breakup of your marriage.

He was probably in the middle of this story when his wife left him.

John, please.

So I parachute in. The rice paddy is a burning lake.

Kirk, dear!

You've kept us spellbound now for what seems like most of our lives.

I think it's only fair that someone else have a chance to talk.

is really a very personal thing.

I've never talked about this before because I always felt that my kid's my

business. You have a child? Yeah, a son, Matthew. Oh, he'll be nine next week.

Well, it turns out that Matthew's been kind of moping around lately, and my

told me that it was me who was depressing him.

See, I never would have brought this up, but I feel like I really need help on

this one.

I'm just lost.

Oh, John, how awful to have to hear that. It must break your heart.

Ooh, oh, ooh.

Right. Ooh, um, I'm lost and depressed, too.

Because of the kids and the doggies and the flowers and the birdies, you know.

Kirk, Kirk, I am expressing a simple human emotion. Don't try to make it out

be something it's not. What are you talking about? He's got his head right

your things, babe.

Kirk, you would never understand.

Well, thanks anyway. You're welcome.

What do you think the problem is with your son, John?

I really don't know.

But I think I'd better get it straightened out before this weekend

got a birthday party on Friday and I'd hate to see him not enjoy himself with

his own party.

You know, I... I thought I might do something special for his party.

I know the very thing.

I used to date is a clown.

I think I went out with him, too.

No, no, I mean an actual clown.

He entertains at a lot of children's functions.

I'm sure he'd be ideal for Matthew's party. What do you think?

Oh, wow, a clown. Now, that would be great.

I'll give you his number. Oh, thanks. He goes by the name of Botho the Clown.

You give him that name, Louise?

There you go, Matt. One super yucky cone.

No, Dad. It's called a super lucky cone. Well, I knew it was something like

that. Come here, you.

So, you got a birthday coming up in a few days, huh?

I bet you're looking forward to that.

Well... Hey,

Matt, have I got something great for you.

I know your birthday's on Friday, but you'll be opening up so many presents by

then. What do you say we get a jump on it?

Whatever you say, Dad.

That's my boy.

Now, what do you think is in there?

How do I know? You bought it, Dad.

Here. Have a look -see.

Go ahead.

Oh, boy.

My father got me one of those when I was your age. Boy, I couldn't wait to put

it on.

I used to wear it to bed and everything.

Thanks, Dad.

Dad?

on Friday.

Yeah, I know.

So I'm not exactly a kid anymore.

That's right.

So you'll understand if I don't kiss you, right?

Yeah, sure, I understand.

Good.

Hey, man!

Now that you got this new football helmet, I bet you can't wait to try it

Not really.

Sure. So what do you say after we finish our ice cream, we suit up, head down to

the park, and toss the old ball around?

I'm really kind of tired, Bill.

Okay.

Maybe change your mind later.

Hmm.

So how you been?

Seems like aging since we've visited.

I've been fine.

Good. Fine is good.

Everything okay at school?

Listen, Matt.

I just want you to know that if anything's bothering you, you can talk

matter what.

In fact, I think you'll find that I'm a very, very good listener.

Well... Yeah, what?

into the marathon, right? It turns out the course goes right by your house. I

thought this is perfect.

I'll pop in, load up on some carbohydrates.

So, John, where do you keep the macaroni and cheese? Kirk, if you're running in

the marathon, don't you think you ought to get back to the marathon?

Relax. I got a big lead.

Hey, John, is your little kid?

Yeah, Matt.

This is Kirk. All right. Hey, any kid of John's is a friend of mine. Give me

five. Don't forget your change bag.

All right.

If this had been yesterday, you'd have missed me.

Oh, just our luck. Yeah, because I only just flew in last night.

Nicaragua. Oh, come on, Kirk. Please.

What? Are you a flight attendant?

A flight attendant?

But can you keep a secret? No, it's all right, John. It's all right. I have a

good feeling about this small person here.

He can be trusted.

Matt, you happen to be looking at an authentic, bona fide, international

spy. Oh, fuck.

Wow, that's neat.

Mm -hmm.

How come you never told me you knew a spy, Dad?

Well, uh, it's classified.

Have you ever killed anyone?

Oh, lots of times.

See, you've got to understand, I am in the field of con -respionage, which is

just a very heavy -duty word for sticking it to the commies.

Every so often, me and a bunch of guys from Donna's spy headquarters, we zip

to a secret location and we practice firing missiles at each other.

Wow, that's so neat.

Because all my dad does is teach school.

Hey, even spies have to go to school, Matt.

If you fire missiles at each other, who can...

How come?

We wear special clothes.

Well,

we better get going, Matt.

Just cut Matt a new football helmet for his birthday.

He's just dying to try it out, right, Matt?

Well, I swear, you've got a birthday coming up, huh? On Friday, I'm having a

party and everything.

Yeah, very small party. Small private party.

Invitations only. Come on, Matt.

Want to come?

Oh, let's see.

Wednesday, I'm in Libya.

Thursday, I got that assassination thing in there. Yeah, well, I'm sure the kids

will excuse you. The kids will excuse you if you can't make it. No, Friday

be there.

Wow, you'd really take time off your spice off just to come to my party? Hey,

boom.

That's the kind of guy I am.

This is gonna be the best party.

All Jack Newfield has is some dumb clown.

Look, Mac, don't you think we should get going? I mean, we better get down to

the park if we're gonna have some football practice.

Do we have to? What?

We could go over to the pond and throw stones at the model boats.

Oh, right!

I guess we won't make these.

Wait up!

Now then, have anyone got any news to report? Ralph, have we had a

on the job front?

Not really.

John, I didn't expect to see you here tonight.

Yeah, how did the birthday party go? It was a disaster.

An unmitigated disaster.

A fight broke out.

Oh, I shouldn't worry about that, John. Tomorrow they'll be the best of friends.

You know how children are.

The children behaved themselves perfectly. The fight was between two

adults. That's awful.

Who was it?

I didn't start it. Don't talk to me. Just stay out of my sight.

You invited that to your son's birthday party. No, I didn't. Why did you have to

hit him? I told you. He sprayed water at me.

That was his job. He's a clown.

How was I supposed to know that?

What, didn't he have a red nose?

He does now.

Apparently, Kurt failed to notice the multicolored wig, the yard -long shoes,

the entire clown's outfit.

You actually punched out a clown?

So what are clowns all of a sudden? An endangered species?

You bashed my boss, though.

Couldn't have happened at a worse time.

My son, Jace, gave me the awful news that he didn't want to see me for the

few Sundays.

Just as I was about to find out why, Buffalo the Clown comes flying out of

French stores with Kurt wrapped around his throat in some kind of a Chinese

death hole. What?

It was a Korean death hole.

I don't know. I just feel that Matthew

doesn't want to be with me anymore.

John, I'm so sorry.

I know this is difficult for you, John, but you never... how children are, it's

probably just a phase.

Yeah, just give the kid a break.

Lighten up.

Live with it? Lighten up? Gee, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Neither of you would say any of these things if you had children of your own.

Not so fast, John. From what I hear, there's a lot of little blonde kids

around Thailand.

I wanted children, but we couldn't have any.

And the last thing I need is for you to stand there and throw my house...

husband's faulty vein in my face.

Look, all I'm trying to say is that unless you've had children of your own,

couldn't possibly understand what I feel.

So we didn't have children.

We had a fox terrier, and that's almost the same.

I remember when he was just... Louise, Louise, with all due respect, a pet is

hardly the same as a child. No, but I know what Louise means.

You may remember that I had a turtle once.

They're very loving and loyal creatures. A turtle would never desert you. Ralph,

a turtle can't desert you.

Where's the turtle gonna go?

Oh, God, I feel so terrible.

The only decent relationship I've ever had is falling apart.

What are you going to do?

What can I do? I can't force him to be with me.

It's going to kill me, but tomorrow I'm going to get together with my boy and

I'm just going to tell him that if he doesn't want to see me for a while, he

doesn't have to. Oh, John, it can't possibly be good for a boy not to see

father. No, no, no, that's not necessarily true, Kate. See, I've read

if a father spends long periods away from his son, there's no reason that

can't grow up to be a happy, successful, self -confident, and well -adjusted

individual. Where did you read that, Ralph?

A postcard from my father?

I still don't get why Mommy didn't pick me up after my trumpet lesson. Well, I

asked your mom if I could pick you up. I need a little time to talk to you.

She'll come by later.

Oh, I stopped by the hospital to see Balfo today.

Oh, is he all right?

Yeah. Yeah, he's going to be fine. He's already able to sit up and take a little

seltzer.

Hey, Matt, come here for a minute.

What?

Matt, there's something you told me yesterday at the party that kind of

me, and I didn't get a chance to talk to you about it.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, when you asked if I'd mind not seeing you for the next few

Sundays, well, I just wanted to tell you that if that's the way you want it,

it's not going to make me feel happy, but that's the way it's going to be.

But what I really want you to know is why.

Can you tell me?

The truth?

I think so, yes.

I don't like football.

Okay, fine. You don't like football. Now just tell me what's worrying you.

That's it.

What? You mean that's what this is all about? You don't like football?

I hate football.

I'm sorry, Dad. I know you always wanted me to play it, but I don't want to. So

I won't blame you if you want to spend your Sundays with some kid who likes

football. No, no.

I don't want to spend my Sundays with anybody but you.

What's wrong?

It's just that I don't like football either.

father's game. He made me play it when I was a kid.

And why'd you always make me play? Because I thought you always liked it.

did you always ask to play?

Because I thought you liked it.

And that's why you didn't want to see me?

I couldn't tell you. I thought it would hurt your feelings.

Oh, Matt.

You know what we are?

We're just a couple of real jerks.

Here we are trying not to hurt each other's feelings, and all we did was

each other feel miserable.

I want to tell you something.

The only way you can hurt my feelings is by not being my friend.

Because you're my best friend in the whole world.

Really? Really.

And I bet I know who your best friend is.

Jeff Newfield.

I was just about to say that.

Yeah, there is a sport I like. It's soccer. In fact, I even joined a team.

Soccer? You like soccer?

That's great.

Yeah, and for the next few Sundays, we're going to be playing matches at the

park.

the other kids are bringing their dads with them. Do you think you can come and

watch me play, too?

That is, if you haven't already made plans for Sunday.

Oh, you bet I'm going to come to see you play. I wouldn't miss your soccer games

for anything in the world.

Dad, you know what?

What? I'm glad we had this talk.

Me, too.

Hey, how about if I make us a couple of sandwiches?

You stay right here. I'll go make them.

You do that for your old dad?

Hey. That's the kind of guy I am.

Next on L .A. Law, Roxanne Patience is wearing

thin with her lover's mind -numbing pillow talk tonight. On Saturday, it's 2

-7. And the survey says Mary and Sandra are at it again when they play Family

Feud, followed by Amen.

Then... Put on your blue suede shoes for the wedding of the year on the Golden

Girls. After that, it's Empty Nest, Saturday.