Original subtitles

Yo, John.

Where do you keep the baby powder?

What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking a shower.

Hey, John, you like these pecs?

How did you get in here?

I slipped a soup for a buck.

So, John?

What time's dinner?

Damn it. You have no right barging in here like you own the place.

John, do you want to get that?

Yeah, I'm not even dressed.

Yeah. Are you Mr. John Lacey?

Yes. The John Lacey who attended Hunter College in 1963?

Yes, that's right. I can't believe it. I can't believe I finally found you. Who

are you?

Oh, I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I've got something very important to

talk to you about. As long as you make it quick, I have a meeting to go to.

don't give you many shrimp, do they?

into another room. Move back.

Uh, John?

What? If memory serves, you don't have another room.

Can you go back in the bathroom, please? Ah, it's a mess in there. There's water

all over the floor. Put on my shoes. All right, tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm just gonna go out on your, uh, terrace.

Because I love dining al fresco, John.

I'm sorry, uh...

You found me. You found me. I know you said that.

What's this all about?

Well, um, I think you're my father.

Your father? Yeah.

Hey, John.

What? Are you wearing binoculars?

We got a possible pen doing a little nude yoga over here.

Oh, sweetheart.

John,

I think this chick is double -jointed.

I think you've got the wrong John Lacey.

I'm Andrew Garber. You used to go with my mother.

Huh? Yeah. Who was your mother?

Sue. Sue Garber? Sue Garber. Yes, I haven't seen her since college. So what?

Well, she died last year. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, well, when I was going

her effects, though, I found some letters you'd written to her. Well, they

of spelled everything out.

Spelled what out?

Well, that weekend, you two went to that ski lodge in Vermont.

Yeah, so I took your mother skiing. Once.

In July?

They gave us a good rate.

I still don't understand why you think I'm your father. Well, the dates, the

times, the places, everything seems to fit.

Well, you see, seems, that's the key word here. Like in things aren't what

seem. You were together in July, and I was born in March.

Well, except I'm not going to them.

Now, there you go. I mean, that's only eight months.

Yeah, but I was born a month premature.

I can imagine what a shock this must be for you.

I sincerely doubt that.

That's pretty much what I thought.

How about you, John?

You seem uncharacteristically reticent tonight.

Well, there is something I have on my mind, but I'm not sure I want to talk

about it.

Don't be shy, dear.

Are there any... sexual problems?

Not exactly.

shocking. I mean, I know it was to me.

A 25 -year -old kid came to my door tonight, claiming to be my son.

Really? So, some wild oats have come home to roost.

No, no, it's total misunderstanding.

John, I don't mean to be indelicate, but is it possible you could be his father?

No, no.

Well, yeah, sure.

Okay. Maybe.

Well, dear, either you did or you didn't. I understand how it works,

It's possible.

We'll know for sure after the blood test results are in. And how do you feel

about all of this, John?

Like I don't know what I'm getting into.

No, no, no, there's nothing to it, John. You make a fist and then the nurse

comes in with a little... I understand about the blood tests.

Well, then what's the problem?

Well, I...

I suddenly lost a family that I knew about and wanted, and suddenly I've got

family I know nothing about.

Well, so far, it's just a son.

And a daughter -in -law.

It seems he's getting married in two weeks.

And get this.

He wants me to be his best man.

Oh!

Oh, congratulations!

You must be so proud!

No, no, no.

You don't understand, Ralph.

I'm the one that spent the last 45 minutes freezing my towel off on your

escape. And what were you doing on Joan's fire escape?

Discovering the true meaning of the word updraft.

Oh, hey. Hi, Dad.

I wish you wouldn't call me then. At least until the test results are final.

Well, in five more minutes, they'll be final.

Look, I thought we were supposed to meet later. Yeah, I know, I know, but I was

home and I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I know. Besides, I wanted

us to be together when we get the test results. Andrew, I hope you're not

setting yourself up for something very disappointing here.

Let's call now.

No, they said 5 o 'clock.

We can wait another five minutes. All right, but while we're waiting, I think

ought to go over the guest list for the wedding. Andrew, please.

Let's wait till it's official, please. No, no, no, this is just in case, okay?

Well, now, it's going to be a small garden wedding. It's just the immediate

family. Now, on my side, that's you.

Maybe, maybe.

Maybe, maybe, sure, understood.

What size suit do you wear?

Andrew. My best man's got to be in a cutaway. Andrew, are you sure that you

someone you barely know to stand up for you at your wedding?

Absolutely.

My fiancee, she's dying to meet you.

Andrew, aren't you putting yourself out on a limb here?

Guest lists, tuxedo sizes, meeting the family.

By the time your wedding rolls around, you and I could be back to being total

strangers. You're right. So which do you prefer, the chicken or the veal?

Chicken or the veal?

I give up. Let's make the phone. Oh, good.

Yes, this is John Lacey.

I'm calling for the results of the Garber -Lacey paternity tests.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

No, Lacey, not Lansing, Lacey.

That's right.

Yes. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

I see.

Are you sure?

Then that's pretty conclusive, huh?

Okay. Thank you.

Put me down for the veal.

Dad!

Louise, Louise, there's great news.

I asked the lady to dinner.

Congratulations. Hey, Robbie.

And did you enjoy yourself?

Oh, yes.

Right up until she turned me down.

Hi,

everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I was out shopping for cigars.

Does this mean... That's right. It's a man.

Congratulations.

John, you must feel wonderful. I feel great. He's such a great kid. Oh, John,

I'm so happy for you. Do you realize he already has a master's degree?

And he started his own business. And he already owns his own condo. Oh, I'm very

proud of that young man.

Seems like only yesterday. I never heard of him.

John, I'm telling you, this is the way to have a kid. You know what I mean? You

skip the messy part. You go straight to where they can loan you money.

So, I guess that means you can be the best man at the wedding after all.

You bet. Oh, and by the way, you're all invited.

Are you sure that...

Right. Well, I'm the father of the groom, aren't I? So when is the wedding?

Sunday afternoon.

Oh, Sunday?

Yeah. Doesn't give us much chance to scare up a date. You know what I mean?

Except for Kay.

Of course.

What are you talking about?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Oh, well, it turns out Willard Munsey, your Will, is getting paroled next, uh,

tomorrow.

So, you know, maybe he could fly in for the wedding.

He's dead.

No, wait. Come on. No, it's perfect. Listen.

You'll go, you'll eat, you'll dance, you'll laugh.

I second thought you better not laugh.

It is a beautiful day for a wedding, though, isn't it? Yes.

Did you see the bride and groom? They seem so in love.

Yes.

Isn't it a shame something that starts out with such romance and promise ends

loathing and disgust?

Uh, is John here yet?

I'm sure your father will be here any minute, dear. Yeah, I hope so. Look,

you see him, will you tell him that I've got to talk to him right away? It's

urgent. Is something wrong?

Well...

Actually, yes.

The lab called.

They mixed up the test results.

Can't believe it.

Turns out he's not my father.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is going to kill him.

Thanks for making this so easy for me.

I'm sorry. This must be very upsetting for you. Especially on your wedding day.

This my boy.

Is he not a chip off the old block or what?

John, I think Andrew needs to talk to you. A boy can't talk to his father, who

can he talk to?

John, if you need us, we'll be right out. That's okay. I have everything I

right here.

Come here, you.

Come here, come on.

Oh, that's my boy.

This doesn't bother you, does it?

Good. I know you might be a little old for this, Andrew, but we got a lot of

hugs to catch up on. Well, that's great, John, but... No, no, no. Please, call

me Dad.

Okay.

Dad.

Dad,

what I... Oh, God, I feel so... Oh,

God, I can't go through with this. Oh, I know what this is.

Pre -wedding jitters.

No, no, no, Butts, no, Butts. Now, you sit over here.

And hear me out, son.

And we're going to have that long overdue father -son chat. Oh, boy.

I want to tell you the truth about marriage, son.

It's impossible.

As impossible as making it into the big leagues.

As impossible as making a million dollars.

As impossible...

as doing the perfect thing for your kids so that when they grow up, they love

you as much as you love them.

And the damn catch is that the only thing that keeps us from being a nation

empty suits is that every now and then, we go for the impossible.

And today, son, you're going to go for the impossible.

Dad. Come on.

Let's get you married.

Okay. Come on.

Oh,

Andy. I just want you to know something.

I really do love you.

They're probably waiting in there. Yeah, let's go on.

Okay, come on.

You know what I'm really looking forward to most of all? What's that?

Grandchildren. Oh, God.

I wouldn't have missed this day for the world.

Yeah. Well, actually, I wanted to... It was such a wonderful wedding.

Yeah. Such an incredible two weeks.

I just want to sit here and savor the moment.

You know what? You let me know when you're finished savoring.

Why?

What is it?

It really pains me to have to say this.

But you're not my father.

What? Yeah, the lab called back this afternoon. They made a mistake.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not your father?

They said it was absolutely sure.

I can't believe it.

I'm not your father?

I knew you'd understand.

I don't understand.

Are you telling me I'm not your father?

Ah, here they are.

Hey, best man, you've got to make it go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You really don't have to. It is tradition.

Come on. Speech.

Come on, John.

Speech. Speech.

Speech.

Speech.

Um.

To the happy couple, may their lives together be full of joy and love.

I guess it's not until a day like this that a father realizes how little time

spent with his children.

I mean, a son comes into your life one day, and, well, by the time you turn

around, he's gone.

I guess the lesson is to appreciate the...

precious time you've spent together.

So, two memories?

Two memories.

That was, that was beautiful.

You gonna be all right? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, fine. You go join your

bride. Okay, but I want you to know something.

This has been the best mistake of my life.

This one's on me, okay?

Oh, John.

Great kids we've got there, huh?

Yeah, great kids.

I thought that they should start off on the right foot. That's why I didn't mind

paying for this whole wedding.

That's very generous of you.

And in light of that, of course, I knew that you wouldn't mind chipping in on

their gift. No, not at all.

Where did we get them?

New Mercedes.

I'm not his father.

Season premiere of L .A. Law.

Terrorizing gunman and a kissing bandit plague the staff while a pretty legal

eagle sets her sights on Leland.

Friday, Sonny's nav for murdering a cop on Sonny Spoon, followed by Something is

Out There.

Then, a deadly loss of memory sends Crockett on a killing spree in the

season premiere of Miami Vice.