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Thank you.
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Dear John is filmed before a live studio
audience.
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Okay.
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Now, make sure you tell my brother the
place looks cheerful.
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But it doesn't.
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Well, it's better than that gloomy hotel
room he's been living in.
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No, it's not.
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So, John, how do you like your new
bachelor pad?
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Not very cheerful.
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What did I tell you, Gloria?
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I'll help you fix it up.
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It will be very, very nice.
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I give you credit, John, the way you've
come through this divorce.
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Divorce?
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Oh, right, yeah.
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I almost forgot about it. I mean, it
must have really thrown you for a loop.
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Your best friend and your wife.
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I've had better starts to a week.
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I bet every time you think of her, you
can't help picturing the two of them
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together. Actually, Harry, I don't
mean... Must really stay with you.
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You know what they say, time heals
everything. Those stolen looks.
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The secret smiles, the soulful sighs, a
little winks.
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See what I mean?
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Okay.
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That should get you started.
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Huh? Oh, thanks, thanks. Now, John, I
hope it goes without saying, the last
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thing I want to do is interfere in your
life.
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Well, I appreciate it. But I saw this ad
in the paper.
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See, it's for divorced and single
people.
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The one -to -one club.
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Mm -hmm.
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meeting tonight at the community center
what do you say honey john's not
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interested in a place like that i mean
why would he want to go hang around with
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a bunch of other pathetic losers
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Excuse me.
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Yes, can I help you?
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John. John Lacey.
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I phoned earlier.
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Oh, you must be one of the new members.
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Oh, gosh.
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I don't seem to have you on my list.
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Oh, well, no problem. My name is Faye.
I'm the organizer of the group. Oh, nice
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to meet you. Thanks.
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Come on over and meet another new
member.
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Frank? Say hello to John.
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Hi. It's his first night as well.
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We'll get the meeting started in a
moment.
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She seems very nice.
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Yes. Helps make you relax. Yeah.
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Hello, everyone.
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There's supposed to be some other new
members joining us this evening.
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They're probably still wandering around
in that maze of corridors out there.
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So, while we're waiting for them to join
us, why don't we meet the two that did
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manage to get here?
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I'd like you to introduce yourselves.
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Frank, why don't we start with you? Oh,
good.
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Elimination. Some of these friends are
almost dead.
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Yes, John, please. This is John. Oh, hi.
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Good evening. My name is John, and I'm
in the wrong room.
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Come on, John.
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We know it's tough, but if Frank can do
it, so can you. No, no, no, no, no,
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really. No, no, I'm in the wrong room.
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No, John, I know you have a drinking
problem. I can tell.
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Tell? What are you talking about? I
noticed your breath before.
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Oh, that? No, I was early, so I stopped
in the bar and had a... Very small
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white. We've all been in that bar
before, John.
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No, no, no, really, really. Look, I came
here tonight to join something called
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00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:06,800
the one -to -one club. It's for divorced
people.
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I looked through the window and you all
looked, well, divorced.
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Well, most of us are divorced.
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Well, of course.
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No,
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I'm sorry.
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Please, please. The one -to -one club is
across the hall.
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Yeah, thanks.
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There were no signs, no arrows.
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Well, what did you expect?
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Emotionally shattered this way, luscious
to your left? Yeah, I know what you
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mean. Look, I'm very sorry. Good luck,
Frank.
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Just browsing.
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I've got to go.
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Did you by any chance phone me this
afternoon?
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Me? No. I haven't phoned anyone for
years.
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00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,060
It's John, isn't it?
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Uh, no.
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John? Yes? Your paper. Thank you.
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Stick with me. You're going to make it
like a bandit.
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Excuse me?
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With the femmes.
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00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:53,170
Femmes? Femmes. Females. Ladies.
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00:06:53,390 --> 00:06:54,390
Broadskies. Oh, yeah.
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00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:56,550
I mean, look around.
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What do you see? John. Huh? You see
divorced, separated, even widowed
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00:07:01,510 --> 00:07:04,210
Yeah. They look around. What do they
see? They see you.
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00:07:04,670 --> 00:07:06,170
And they see me, my friend.
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00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:12,130
Yeah. We could really get our turkeys
tetrazzini'd in a...
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00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:29,660
Check out these other zombies. I mean,
I've seen lively faces with tags on
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toes.
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00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,380
See the redhead over there?
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Don't look.
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Oh, boy, John, relax.
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You're dense, Hank.
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She has been coming out to me all night.
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I'm afraid to smile over here. Next
thing you know, she's going to be
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tie me up.
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Which reminds me, you like typhoon?
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00:08:02,370 --> 00:08:05,070
Yeah, I guess I do. All right, we'll
finish up here. We'll grab a couple of
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00:08:05,070 --> 00:08:08,590
these babes, zip down at a Cafe Siam,
shake and bake a little. No, no, no, no,
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no, no, no, no, no.
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00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:10,790
It's cool, John. It's cool.
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You got a car, right? Well, actually,
no.
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All right, nice talking to you, John.
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Kirk, your name is Kirk.
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Stay with me. You're going to make out
like a...
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Hi.
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Hi. First time here? Yeah.
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Yeah, mine too.
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I've been meaning to give this a try for
a couple of weeks. I just couldn't work
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up the nerve.
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Yeah, I know what you mean.
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00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,040
I've got a feeling we're all going to
get along just great.
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Now let's get some introductions going
shall we?
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Anonymous meaning is in the room across
the hall.
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What? Yes. Oh, God.
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I'm sorry.
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for cosmetic reasons.
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00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:32,310
I'm sorry.
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00:11:32,550 --> 00:11:36,390
So I phrased the question badly. Now,
that's no reason to attack me. I wasn't
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00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:39,070
attacking you. I'll rephrase the
question, all right? It's not necessary.
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00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:42,110
bothers you that much, I'll rephrase the
question. Fine, rephrase the question.
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00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:43,110
All right, I will.
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00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:48,070
Ralph, what was wrong with his eye?
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00:11:48,350 --> 00:11:49,350
You didn't say.
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00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,700
No, Kirk, what did you do once?
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00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,700
I once gave a girlfriend of mine a
kidney.
136
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,860
Wouldn't she have preferred a bunch of
flowers?
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00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:11,380
Found one!
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00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,740
Is it over there, dear?
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00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,960
Kirk. The name's Kirk.
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00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:20,440
All right, everyone, with all the
confusion, I'm afraid we've lost some
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time, so let's get started right away.
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00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,480
The purpose of the one -to -one...
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00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:32,690
is to offer the many divorced and
separated people in this area a chance
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00:12:32,690 --> 00:12:35,490
company, counselling and support.
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All right, dear?
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00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:44,190
Now, at first, you may feel a little shy
or, um, stupid about
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00:12:44,190 --> 00:12:50,450
discussing your private lives in public,
so to show you how easy it is, I'll get
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00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,450
the ball rolling myself.
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00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:14,560
which involved a Polaroid camera, spike
-heeled boots, and a bullwhip. And
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00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,400
during the day, I'm a beauty consultant.
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00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,440
So there you are, you see? Easy. Now
then, any questions?
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00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:24,760
Uh, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, um,
what broke up your marriage?
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00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:29,480
I just explained that.
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00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,140
Well, I missed something.
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00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:38,780
Her husband had these very odd desires.
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He told me that.
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I was divorced six months ago.
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I was... We were married for ten years.
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00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,120
What made you leave her?
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00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,400
Well, actually, she left me, Kirk.
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00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:25,260
She left me for a man that I considered
to be my best friend.
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00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,260
Why? Well, we used to go to basketball
games together and hang out and have a
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00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:30,260
few beers.
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00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:35,720
Oh, of course. Oh, you mean, why did she
leave me? Did I phrase that right? No,
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00:14:35,740 --> 00:14:36,740
no, it was perfect.
166
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,730
Well, actually, I... I really don't know
why.
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00:14:42,110 --> 00:14:46,790
See, I teach at this private school in
Manhattan, and this old college friend
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00:14:46,790 --> 00:14:49,550
mine, Mike Roberts, was transferred
there.
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00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:56,310
Well, I figured he was a stranger in
town, so I invited him home for dinner,
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00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,670
he started having an affair with my
wife.
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00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:02,110
And you didn't know anything about it? I
thought we were very happy.
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00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:07,370
Until her lawyer had me thrown out of my
own house.
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00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,310
Mike moved right in.
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00:15:09,690 --> 00:15:11,150
They're living there right now,
together.
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00:15:12,150 --> 00:15:15,230
Any, um, sexual problems?
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00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,010
I don't know. I never asked them.
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00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:23,090
What do you mean? Between me and my
wife?
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00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:24,550
Oh, no, no, no.
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00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:26,710
No, no.
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00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:33,350
No, well, I mean, I'm over all that now.
I mean, that's in the past. I mean,
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00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:37,050
that's history. Good, good. That's what
I like to hear. Anyone else? Can you
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00:15:37,050 --> 00:15:39,560
imagine? how deceitful that guy was,
huh?
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00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:44,220
A man who considered himself to be my
best friend eats at my own table and
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00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:45,660
shacks up with my wife.
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00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,480
There's a tribe in New Guinea thinks
it's polite to allow their dinner guests
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00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,600
sleep with their wives.
187
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,040
Well, that must be a tribe of complete
idiots.
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00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,700
Besides, we lived in New Rochelle.
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00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:00,960
Are you still in touch with your wife?
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00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:02,220
Only by check.
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00:16:18,949 --> 00:16:20,590
into your personal life.
192
00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:27,130
Were there any sexual...
193
00:16:27,130 --> 00:16:34,110
We'll just as soon not talk about that.
Oh, come
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00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:35,110
on, Red.
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00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,890
We could all use a good laugh here. Come
on, tell us about your sex life.
196
00:16:39,590 --> 00:16:42,270
I would, Kirk, but then I'm afraid you'd
tell us about yours.
197
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:47,650
What is it with this babe? She's so anti
-me. You call me babe? again, and I
198
00:16:47,650 --> 00:16:49,210
will personally remove your other
kidney.
199
00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:56,110
Ooh, I would like that. You just gotta
promise you're gonna do it slow.
200
00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:57,670
All right.
201
00:16:58,430 --> 00:16:59,430
All right.
202
00:17:00,710 --> 00:17:03,910
Remember, we're here to support and
encourage.
203
00:17:04,530 --> 00:17:05,530
Ralph!
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00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:07,569
Are you divorced?
205
00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:10,030
I'm separated.
206
00:17:10,569 --> 00:17:13,069
How long were you two together before
the breakup?
207
00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:15,829
Oh, let me see. It was, uh, four...
208
00:17:16,329 --> 00:17:18,170
No, no, more like five hours.
209
00:17:19,030 --> 00:17:20,069
Five hours?
210
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,230
Yeah, she left me during the wedding
reception.
211
00:17:26,109 --> 00:17:28,349
Something that you said, Ruffy?
212
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:32,350
No, I doubt it, Kirk. She doesn't
understand a word of English.
213
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,350
She's Bulgarian.
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00:17:34,650 --> 00:17:36,570
She was about to be deported.
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00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:40,830
And then she met me and fell in love.
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00:17:41,590 --> 00:17:42,930
And we got married.
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00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,000
It was kismet.
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00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:50,780
You know what I think, Ralphie?
219
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:57,240
I think this broad married you so she
could stay in the country.
220
00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,920
That's a rotten thing to say.
221
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:02,680
Yeah, well, it's the kind of guy I am.
222
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,100
Anyway, why put yourself in a dumper
over some ugly commie chick?
223
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,380
No, I said she was plain.
224
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,120
Yeah, plain ugly.
225
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,380
I... I... I love her.
226
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:29,820
We could have been happy.
227
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,860
Were there any... sex?
228
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,240
There wasn't any time to find out.
229
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,920
You mean the marriage was never
consummated? No.
230
00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:44,590
wedding reception in the hall just off
the chapel.
231
00:18:44,810 --> 00:18:48,050
Ralphie, Ralphie, couldn't you find
somewhere private? You know, like a
232
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:50,230
A closet?
233
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:53,290
Yeah. Chances are, all his wife wanted
was a good man.
234
00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,210
She had a good man.
235
00:18:55,410 --> 00:18:56,410
Oh. You.
236
00:18:56,450 --> 00:18:57,450
Oh.
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00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:00,710
A good man would have found a closet.
238
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:12,919
All right, Mr.
239
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,220
Macho. If you're such a good man, why
did your wife leave you?
240
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,200
She was probably claustrophobic.
241
00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:23,340
All right, I'll tell you.
242
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,860
It was because of insane jealousy.
243
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,760
What were you jealous about?
244
00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:33,720
Put a zipper on it, okay, Ralph?
245
00:19:43,050 --> 00:19:49,950
wife left me uh no ralph ralph are you
saying that that before you were married
246
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:56,790
that you and uh bloom like bloom like
that you and bloom like her never
247
00:19:56,790 --> 00:20:01,970
made love do you mind if we talk this
way no of course not
248
00:20:01,970 --> 00:20:06,310
what are you getting this broad's been
around the block more times in the ice
249
00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:07,310
cream truck
250
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,720
to resolve this with Ralph.
251
00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:28,940
No, we can pick it up next week. Ralph,
do you feel better for having talked
252
00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:29,940
about it?
253
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,199
No. Good.
254
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,320
Well, let's get our things together,
shall we?
255
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:39,300
My husband used to dress like a
gladiator and make me pull his chariot.
256
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:14,340
So, um, you coming back next week?
257
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,480
Uh, I'm not sure, really.
258
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:18,680
Oh, yeah, me neither.
259
00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:21,700
If I've got nothing else to do.
260
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,480
Yeah, I don't mean to kill us a few
hours.
261
00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:26,180
Good night, Kate. Good night, John. Good
night.
262
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,300
Um, are you coming back next week? Oh,
yes, definitely.
263
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,400
I thought you didn't like it. I didn't.
264
00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:36,020
Be good.
265
00:21:36,060 --> 00:21:40,440
All right. Oh, I meant to ask you guys.
Did you guys read about me yesterday?
266
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,220
I plunged you into a burning building
and saved an old lady's life?
267
00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:48,220
No. Oh, good, because I used those press
boys to keep my name out of it.
268
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,340
Are you coming back next week, Kirk?
269
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:52,760
Next week? Next week?
270
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,780
I'm in the Caribbean next week, I think.
But if I'm not, I'll be here.
271
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,140
See you next week, then. You bet.
272
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:03,600
Ruff, you got a car?
273
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:04,920
No, motorcycle.
274
00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:06,519
Hey, that's cool.
275
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,519
All right.
276
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,520
See you, Ray.
277
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:10,640
Bye.
278
00:22:19,980 --> 00:22:21,060
I guess I'll see you next week.
279
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,740
Uh, maybe.
280
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:24,640
Yeah.
281
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:26,640
Maybe.
282
00:22:42,510 --> 00:22:46,850
The deal when he faces a midget lawyer.
And Monday night in a special hour, Al's
283
00:22:46,850 --> 00:22:49,630
adventures in a hospital teach him the
true meaning of Christmas.
284
00:22:50,010 --> 00:22:54,330
Then, a doctor who didn't just make a
difference, he made a miracle. A world
285
00:22:54,330 --> 00:22:57,010
premiere movie, Miracle at Beekman's
Place, Monday.
20998
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