Original subtitles

Subject lion fails to react to approach of cardboard zebra at 35 feet.

Okay, zebra, move it up.

Come on, zebra, move it up. It's just a lazy cross -eyed lion and he's not going

to hurt you.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Clarence, wake up, will you?

Just this once, try and act like a lion, huh?

Brother.

Okay, Sultan, you stay put.

Okay,

Sleeping Beauty.

Now let's get something straight between us. I know about all this propaganda

that you are the king of the beasts and the monarch of the jungle, but just

forget it. Around this compound, you are another experimental animal.

So get up on your feet and give us some reactions. Come on.

Hey, Jack, why don't you give Ferris a chow break?

A chow break?

His whole life around here is one big chow break.

In fact, he's the most out -to -lunch animal in the whole compound.

Well, why don't you substitute Bolton for Clarence? I'm sure he'd be more than

willing, and ever since he's been here, he's been dying for some attention.

Marsh Tracy calling Romero. Marsh Tracy calling Romero. Do you read, over?

Yeah, Marsh, I read you.

I just wish Clarence could read me.

Why, what's the matter, Jack?

Well, he's being his usual miserable self. I have been trying to run some

tests on him with a cardboard zebra.

And if that worked out, I'd try a real zebra.

Well, I wish you luck.

Look, um... Eddie just brought me word that we have to join that

government survey team at Nagoro.

Uh, how would you like to trade places?

You'd better finish that experiment.

Write it up and then submit it to a scientific journal.

Oh, Mark.

Look, I know Clarence can be trying, but after all, how many lions do you know

that have internal strabismus?

In other words, just because Clarence is cross -eyed, I have to cater to him,

right? Well, you graduated in animal psychology. Why don't you apply to

Clarence?

Thanks a lot.

Look, anyway, will you tell Paul and Mike that we'll be back in a few days,

then I have to go out again alone, right?

Yeah, they're right here. They can hear you.

I'll do my best with Clarence.

Thanks, Jack, and good luck.

Oh, you ready to go?

Yeah, why?

Well, how about it? What's it mean, Sultan, for Clarence?

You heard your dad.

Clarence is unique.

Therefore, we are stuck with our cockeyed wonder.

Well, I just wish there was some sort of experiment you could use Sultan in. So

neglected, and he just sits there in the sun like a lizard.

Now, truly, he's been taking lessons from Clarence.

You know, I kind of feel sorry for Sultan myself.

He doesn't even have a buddy like Sarang.

Look, Mike, I would gladly exchange Clarence for Sultan, but you know I

Well, it's time to get back to work.

Okay, Clarence, hit the field and fight for the home team.

Judy? Hit that line, move the zebra up to the 20 -foot stripe.

That's my girl.

All right, Clarence.

Some reactions, if you please. Just focus those great, big, beautiful, and

rare eyes on the target for today.

Clarence, the target is not me. It's the zebra.

Paris isn't growling at you, Jack. It's his stomach.

Why don't I get him some food?

Oh, no, you don't.

You know what happens to Clarence after a good meal.

Goes to sleep. Exactly.

Well, Sultan would cooperate.

Sorry, Paula.

Unfortunately, my subject animal is Claire.

Okay, here is my official ultimatum.

No work, no food. In short, you cooperate or you starve.

All right, that I take as an official declaration of war.

We'll just have to wait and see which surrenders first, your extremely

willpower or your extremely greedy stomach.

Yes, sir, my friend, your days as a privileged pet are over.

Good morning, ladies.

I was just coming to talk to you.

Toto, you and Judy aren't too tired to help me with Clarence again today, are

you?

Good, thank you.

Clarence, rise and shine.

Well, good morning, Your Majesty. Are you ready to resume the royal

He's waiting for you to feed him some breakfast, especially when you didn't

him any dinner last night.

Well, he's going to have a long, long wait.

Jack, you know how difficult it is to work on an empty stomach.

Come on, Mike. I hardly think our freeloading boarder here is starving to

Okay, Clarence, here's the schedule. One hour of work in the experimental area,

and you get breakfast.

That's fair, isn't it?

Okay, buddy, you can growl from now to kingdom come, but as I told you

yesterday, no work, no food.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

I'm heading for the bush.

Cards, come back here.

Barrett, stop fooling around and come on back.

Maybe we better get the truck and go after him. He could get hurt out there.

Oh, I doubt that.

He's a full -grown lion.

Even his scent would scare away most of the animals on the compound.

Besides, he's been on these little expeditions before.

Jack's right, Paula.

Clarence knows enough about the bush around here to stay out of trouble.

And when he gets hungry, he'll just come back.

He always does.

Well, maybe he'll just show you two fellows that he can go out there and

some food for himself in the bush.

Are you kidding?

With his eyes, Clarence couldn't find any game if he fell over it.

Stubborn animal.

Beginning to think he's half mule.

Well, he's not the only one around here that fits that description.

Okay, look, Miss Tracy. This is my experiment, and we don't need any Monday

morning quarterbacks.

And Clarence is my pet. Don't let anything happen to him.

I suggest a time out so everybody can cool off, including Clarence.

All right.

Anyway, I have to get to Lake Tano and continue my bird photography.

Judy, you don't mind coming along, do you?

Oh, good.

See you fellas later.

Ready,

Judy?

Marsh wanted me to make some alkaline tests at the waterhole, so I think I'd

better show up off, too.

Oh, you're beginning to sound like you agree with Paula.

Me?

Oh, no, no, no.

You're the psychologist.

Psychologist?

Oh, Toto, you have an opinion, too, huh?

Great. Jess?

Great.

Toto, look, I know you want to play, but I'm busy, so you'll have to go play by

yourself.

You nut!

Hey, what's the matter with you, anyhow?

You know I need this.

Oh, I get it.

You miss Clarence, huh?

I'll tell you something confidentially.

So do I.

Now, look, Toto, I know he's hungry, but he's got to learn to shape up.

You know, like you and Judy do.

No, I am not going out after Clarence, and that is final.

Look, Toto.

Look, what could happen to him out there? He's a lion, the king of the

Muscles all over.

First trouble is, most of them are in his head.

I guess Clarence's eyes aren't too good.

There are poacher pits out there.

Nope. He has got to learn discipline.

I know, Judy. Jack's right.

What if Clarence should wander into a lake and get stepped on by a hippo or

bitten by a crocodile?

We can't let that happen to him, can we?

Then again, Jack's pretty stubborn.

Well, somebody's just going to simply have to go out there and rescue

and it's up to us.

At least we know he headed towards the lake by his tracks, so we're just going

to have to keep on tracking him.

Mike, I thought you were supposed to be checking out the water holes.

I checked a few, but Clarence wasn't around any of them.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be bird watching?

Well, after a while, I thought it was strictly for the birds.

Anyway, I'm worried about Clarence. He's so tame and gentle. Poor thing.

Hey, don't worry, you two. We'll find him.

Paula, there's a grove of shade trees near here that Clarence goes to from

to time.

Nice to scratch his back on the bark.

Judy, suppose you climb up and see if you can spot Clarence.

Hey,

Judy must have spotted him. Great.

You little rat fink. You just couldn't keep your lip button, could you?

Well,

meet sentimental Jack Dane, tracer of lost lions.

I thought you told us you were going to stay at the compound.

Well, you decided to feed Clarence after all.

Oh, with this? No, no, no. I may hit him over the head with it, but it will

never reach his lips till he performs properly.

Then why did you bring it in the first place?

Oh, it's a little bit of bait for that applied psychology your father was

talking about.

What's with her?

What is it, Judy?

A great lover?

Just eaten.

Well, he's not supposed to be able to catch any game. He's cross -eyed.

I wonder if he found it.

There's no such thing as a spare meal in the bush.

Well, I suspect that his lady friends went out shopping for him.

No doubt in one of the native delicatessens.

Clarence, look at him.

A lady killer.

The lion who came to dinner.

Yeah, look at that.

Curse looks like a sultan with his own harem.

Well, he's had his banquet, so we'll do him a little favor.

We'll take him home so he won't have to help wash the dishes.

That may not be so easy.

His charming hostesses may want him to stay for breakfast.

You mean I think he's their new mate?

Well, you take three lonely lionesses, widowed or rejects, with no male to hunt

for, along comes old Clarence, the most eligible bachelor in the animal kingdom.

Result? A wife and two doting sisters -in -law.

I still don't see how Clarence could have sneak -talked them into it.

I'd have thought that it'd torn them to bits.

Hey, I get it.

Don't you two recognize those little cubs as the ones we used to have at the

compound? That's Julia, Cleo, and Josephine.

Oh, yeah.

Well, no wonder they're feeding Clarence. They're old buddies.

This is a Romero alumni reunion.

Except that they're no longer helpless little girls.

Well, they're still going to have to give him up.

Besides, it's too old for them.

Well, some women prefer older men.

Well, fun and game time is over.

I need Clarence.

Jack, if I were you, I would not invade Clarence's territory. Not now.

Territory or his honeymoon.

Either way, it's time for Clarence to go home.

I wouldn't go any closer.

I won't go any closer. Let Clarence come to us.

Okay, Clarence, let's go. Kiss the girls goodbye.

Come on.

You know, I think he plans to spend the night.

I have a feeling Clarence wants us to leave.

Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to work this applied psychology bit with an

old ox bone when those three beauties have just brought him a ten -course

And without making him work for it, but I do have to try, don't I?

Hey, Clarence?

Hey, look what I've got here, boy.

Now, if you come back now, I'm going to forget about everything and we'll start

from scratch, okay?

We got a deal, old buddy?

Come on, Jack, don't be stubborn. Let's get out of here before somebody gets

hurt. Those lionesses mean business.

She's right, Jack.

We cannot handle three angry ladies.

Look, I am not being stubborn. I need Clarence to finish those experiments.

Jack, be reasonable.

Think of Judy. She could get hurt.

Okay.

Come on, Judy.

Don't think you're getting away with anything, Clarence, you and those three

witches. I'll be back, Macbeth.

Excuse me.

Romeo.

Hey, Mike.

Let me have this for a minute, huh?

Who are you calling?

Your father.

This is something he's got to see for himself.

Jack calling Mars Tracy.

Jack calling Mars Tracy.

You read me, Mars?

George, you're right.

You know something? I never would have believed it.

I had no idea Clarence was such a charmer.

Yeah.

There you go, Marsh.

What's this for?

Well, there's three of them and there's three of us if we each... Take one

lioness, we can tranquilize them all at the same time.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you suggesting that we try and bring Clarence back to the compound by force

if necessary?

Well, yes, he belongs there.

Does he?

Well, of course he does.

I disagree.

I think Clarence is having a perfectly wonderful time out here.

We beautiful females to wait on him hand and foot, providing with food and love.

Right. All the comforts of home.

Hey, what more does he need?

Well, he needs us. That's what more he needs.

In fact, if he did, he'd come back on his own accord, wouldn't he?

Look, Clarence is having a... What do the kids call it? A love -in. He seems

perfectly happy.

A love -in? Marsh, you've got to be kidding. Clarence is not a flower child.

He's not a hippie.

He is a compound animal who was totally helpless in the outside world.

Maybe he was, Jack, because of his handicap, but don't forget he was born

bush. And now that he has three doting females to hunt for him, protecting that

handicap, jolly well overcome.

Exactly.

Come on now, Jack, we have no right to interfere with the balance of nature out

there.

All right, this may all be very true, Mark, but I have devoted much too much

time to Clarence to let him stay here.

Love him or no love him.

Look, Jack, Clarence is now the head of a party. He belongs here.

That means you won't help me?

I'll do it myself.

I think you'd better get back here before you get hurt.

Mark, look, what about the experiment?

If Clarence stays here, the whole project goes right down the drain.

Well, I guess that's part of being a research scientist, huh?

Look, I've got to get on with my survey.

I had to go back with you to help out, but Jack, do me one favor. Will you just

leave Clarence alone?

Yeah, and I go six months' work.

No, what's more important, six months' work or what Clarence has found for

himself in new life?

Take it easy.

Mike, where are you going?

Oh, down to feed.

Oh, boy.

It must be forth of habit.

You know, every morning I wake up, I say, well, it's time to feed old

Hey, Judy, Judy, here. Why don't you take this down to someone?

I know just how you feel. This morning when I came out to greet the day, I

good morning, Clarence, old boy. I realized he wasn't there.

The lawn looks pretty bare now that Clarence is gone.

Perhaps we can put a fountain or something in its place.

No, Paula, it wouldn't work.

A fountain would be beautiful. It would bubble merrily.

But it could never take the place of magnificent old Clarence.

Oh, come on. Why don't you all stop being so pointedly polite, huh?

Why, what are you talking about, Jack?

That's what you're all not talking about. I know I sent Clarence into the

and it's my fault he's not here anymore.

Jack knows he's blaming you.

Well, I am.

If I'd fed him, he'd still be here, and everybody would be happy.

Then you'd still have your experiments. Instead, you'd have to write it off as a

failure. Well, if it had to be a failure, at least this way Clarence got

something out of it.

It only would have taken me another two or three days.

Three more days.

Look, suppose we got Clarence back here temporarily, like on a three -day pass.

The only thing we'd have to do would be to find a suitable replacement so that

his male presence wouldn't be missed.

Ed Lee?

How about it?

We could search the bush and find one, a rogue male with no pride of his own.

We could let him take over, bring Clarence back here. I'm sure Marsh would

approve.

Maybe on the surface it's a good idea, but I know the reserve as well as

There just aren't any unattached males roaming the bush. They're all spoken

Why else do you think those three girls settle for old Clarence?

Hedley, one might have wandered in during the past few days. Suppose Jack

take a look.

I'll go with you.

All right. You push off on your wild lion chase. I've got a great deal of

district office paperwork to catch up on. So, good luck and keep in touch.

do.

Oh, hey, Hedley, do me a favor, huh?

Of course.

Check with Marsh, see if he's run across a lonely lion lately.

All right.

Hey, Judy, just a minute. Where do you think you're going?

Now, Judy, listen, you stay here with me.

They're searching for a lion that's hungry for love, not chimps.

You know, I wonder, Judy, I just wonder if old Clarence isn't ready to come

home.

Maybe.

Three lady lions growling at him all day is too much for the old boy. What do

you think?

Well, anyway, would you get me the walkie -talkie?

I wonder.

I wonder.

Ah, thank you, Judy.

Hedley calling Marsh Tracy. Hedley calling Marsh Tracy. Do you read me?

The mayor has said it to Marsh Tracy.

Marsh, this is Hedley. Do you read me?

Yes, Hedley, I read you. What's up?

You haven't seen any lonely lions, have you?

Lonely lions? No, why?

Your staff are out hunting the bush for a substitute groom.

A substitute what?

A stand -in for Clarence. Or rather, a love -in.

That beautiful, lonesome animal.

Folks, I think we have found our Casanova.

Jack, don't look now, but Mr.

Casanova is just joining Mrs.

Casanova? With all the little Casanovas.

Well, I guess Hedley was right.

It's the tenth happy pride we've found.

I guess we'll go back to the compound and forget

about Clarence and the experiment.

Come on, let's go.

Now. Ah.

Well, just to be on the safe side.

Oh, well.

Ha.

There we are.

Now run along, little fellow, and try and not get yourself scratched up again.

Ah.

By the way, did that aspirin I gave you help your headache at all?

Oh,

God. God.

What is it, Judy?

Oh,

don't tell me you're ill now.

What is it, then?

Oh, Judy, that's a splendid idea.

Putting Sultan in Clarence's old spot.

He really does something for the Lord.

No bachelor lions, Jack?

I'm afraid not, Hadley.

Nothing but old married men.

Now you'd think there'd at least be one unattached male in the bush.

Looks as if Mother Nature's been a very busy matchmaker this time of year.

Anything new, Hadley?

Take a look.

Oh, Hadley, he looks magnificent. Was it your idea to put him there?

No, it was Judy. She thought it out all by herself. Mostly for you, I think.

Thank you, Judy. It was very thoughtful of you.

You know, he looks very handsome in Clarence's old spot.

If we only substituted him for Clarence in the experiment, Jack would have it

made.

Well, maybe Judy could figure out how to cross Sultan's eyes.

Oh, Jack, don't suggest it. She'll probably work something out.

Well, Dr.

Headley, let's see what you've accomplished here.

Oh,

Sultan, you look absolutely magnificent here. Boy, if Clarence saw you now, he'd

be so jealous he'd come right back home.

Hold it, you three.

I want to record this moment for history.

Got it.

Sultan, you're absolutely magnificent here.

Boy, if Clarence could see you now, he'd be so jealous he'd come right home.

Boy, if Clarence saw you now, he'd be so jealous he'd come right back home.

Spooky.

Clarence. Hey, Paula!

Hey, Clarence, old buddy, you came back home after all, didn't you, huh?

Oh, you don't know how glad I am to see you.

What happened? You couldn't take all those nagging women, could you, huh?

Or do you just kind of miss your old buddies here at Romero?

Clarence! Oh, welcome home.

We've got to feed our star boarder. With your permission, of course. Oh, be my

guest. Believe me. Thank you.

Well, Clarence, old colleague, as soon as you have a great big breakfast, we're

going to get cracking on those experiments again.

Yeah, we're going to show the scientific world a thing or two, aren't we, huh?

Yeah.

Well, well, a return of the prodigal. Good old Clarence. What brought you

Well, I have a feeling he got lonesome for his friendly neighborhood animal

psychologist. Right? Yeah.

My guess is he needed a little coaxing.

Judy. Judy, come here.

Judy.

Judy. Now, look, Judy, tell me.

Did Clarence come back on his own?

Looks like Judy did it again.

Well, I don't care who did it.

I'm just glad to see Clarence back in this spot instead of Salt.

Sultan, where is Sultan?

Hey, we better have a look around the compound.

Yeah, before we do, just let's ask our traffic director.

Judy, is Sultan still here?

Well,

where did he go then?

Yeah, the Sultan's track's all right.

Uh -oh, they're headed into the bush.

Well, that wouldn't worry you, would it?

I mean, won't his instincts and his muscles protect him? After all, he does

weigh 400 pounds.

Well, if he'd spent his whole life in the jungles of India, he'd be fine,

Hadley, but the Sultan was brought up here on the compound since he was a cub.

He thinks all predatory animals are his friends.

If that won't prevent any attacks, it'll probably provoke them.

Yeah, we'd better take the truck and have a look.

I better get my equipment. Come on, Judy. You come with me.

Sultan, he'll never last out there.

He's got fangs and claws, but he's been trained not to use them.

Stand a chance against a rampaging elephant or a pride of lions.

What about Cleo and Juliet and Josephine?

What about them?

Must be in a perfect rage now that Clarence has walked out on them.

Yes, for sure.

They say hell hath no fury like a woman spawned, and there's not only three

women, but lionesses to boot.

I would like to cross their paths today.

Poor Sultan should wander near them.

Let's head for their territory, see if we can get to Sultan before they do.

They must have gotten Sultan.

Look at that.

Did you look at that?

He's really living up to his name.

I just can't believe it.

Sultan's finally found himself a Hari.

A Hari.

Henry, that's a harem.

That's not a Hari.

But isn't he in danger, though, Mike?

Only from too much food, love, and protection.

That lioness is accepting a tiger. I can see it, but I can't believe it.

Mike, why aren't they tearing him to pieces?

When we get back to the compound, I'll show you why.

I'm all set.

Now, Hedley, this film was shot a few years ago. It should show you why a

can live with lion.

I see.

Now, the little fellow in stripes is Sultan.

The other little pesky creatures are none other than Cleo, Juliet, and

Josephine. Oh, they're darling.

But why do they have to grow up?

Ah, that's the question your father and I keep asking about you, my dear.

The experiment was resumed at 11 .30 a .m.

The subject animal, namely Clarence, having been fed, was placed in the

scientific environment.

Oh, Clarence, please, please, please wake up.

Judy, get him on his feet, will you?

Okay, Clarence.

Please, concentrate on the zebra.

Come on, zebra. Down the field.

That does it. I give up.

I've had it. I've taken as much as I can from that... Big clown.

Look, let's face it. Clarence is never going to make a research animal, and

is something we are all going to have to accept.

How are we going to get the scientific world to accept you as a serious

researcher? I don't know. That's the problem.

By submitting your report on another experiment that was going on this

You mean Sultan and the harem? Of course.

Surely, Jack, that's even more exciting and colorful than a cross -eyed lion and

some cardboard zebras.

Well, they couldn't be any less cooperative than Clarence, and

it might prove very valuable.

You know, Jack, Clarence is not the only one that's tired of this experiment.

Poor Judy and Toto have had enough of that awful cardboard zebra.

Yeah, well, I have to admit that that particular visual aid is one that

could get along without.

Maybe not.

Take a look.

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