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[cheering]

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What's up, y'all?

What's up, man?

[cheering]

Oh, you fill my heart.

Let's-- let's piss some people off.

Fuck it.

[laughter]

I don't mean to.

I don't mean to.

I don't want to piss anybody off.

I don't.

I know we just live in a different world.

People used to want to laugh.

Now, people want to go online and go every time, what

the fuck is that?

[laughter]

It's just the way it is.

I don't mean to be-- like, in real life,

I don't hang out with people anymore because everybody

is too fucking sensitive.

I only hang out with two groups of people

in real life-- illegal immigrants and rednecks.

That's it.

That's it.

Because they're the only people that I've never offended.

Seriously.

Every other group, I have them for a little bit,

and then I went to fucking far.

You know what I'm saying?

Like with the Asians, they're like, oh, that's so funny.

And then when I do a Monterey Park joke-- too far.

Too far.

Like--

[laughter]

You know the Black people are here.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Tell that shit.

But then I go too far, uh, hell, nah, motherfucker.

Is everybody is the same shit, except for mojados

and rednecks.

[laughter]

They take it.

And you know why?

Because they accept the truth.

They don't fight it.

Everybody else tries to fight it.

You know what I mean?

If I did a joke about Black people can't swim,

some Black people will be like, I can't swim,

and then other Black people will be like, that's fucked up.

Can you swim?

Nah, but that's fucked up.

Like--

[laughter]

Everybody-- everybody gets to fight, except somebody like--

when you accept the truth, you can be happy.

That's why rednecks are happy.

Shit, listen.

Dave wrote a book called You Might be a Redneck If.

You know who bought it?

Fucking rednecks.

They read the shit.

It makes fun of them, and then they go, ha, ha, that's funny.

They don't give a shit.

They don't fucking care.

I have never offended a redneck--

never.

And look at me.

I've tried.

[laughter]

I've tried.

I swear to God, and I don't want to offend rednecks.

Not because-- not because I don't like rednecks.

It's because I feel like I don't have the power

to hurt their feelings, and it fucking bothers me.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, they're just authentic.

Like, the first time I met a redneck--

I'll never forget it-- it was 1992, Birmingham, Alabama.

Yeah, it was odd.

No.

No.

No.

Don't go, ooh.

That was awesome.

It was the best because they were real.

They didn't fight it.

Rednecks are so fucking authentic to the truth,

they re-enact a war they fucking lost.

[laughter]

And in the re-enactment, they still fucking lose.

Yeah.

I was under the impression that Civil War re-enactments

were the South going, not this time, you Yankee motherfucker.

That's what I thought.

[laughter]

But then my buddy-- right?

He goes, you ever seen one?

I was like, no.

Come on now.

So I went to go see a re-enactment,

and it was fucking weird.

It was in Arlington, Virginia.

I'm watching it, and in the middle of shit,

my friend just goes, well, this is

where they fuck up, so lie down like an asshole and just--

that's some bullshit.

They're taking my Black man.

That's bullshit right there.

Look at him run.

Goddamn he can run fast.

Holy shit.

[laughter]

They don't fucking care.

First time I met one, I got off the plane.

I was performing in a place called Hoover, Alabama.

Hoover, Alabama back in the day when I first

started going there had zero Latinos, OK?

I would perform, and no Latinos would come out

because they weren't even there.

Now, so many Mexicanos-- not Mexicans--

Mexicanos live in Hoover, Alabama.

I swear to God these fucking rednecks

renamed it Guadalahoover.

I can't even make that shit up.

Goddamn, Guadalahoover.

And you can't get mad.

That's fucking.

Even the mojados are like, no.

I like it.

I like it.

Guadalahoover, Guadalahoover-- I don't give a shit.

[laughter]

They don't try to hide who they are.

They don't try to pretend who they are.

I've got plans for us, man.

You were a funny son of a bitch.

I saw you perform, and I told Bruce-- the owner of the club--

to bring you here.

And now, you're here, and I'm here,

we can do some shit together.

I got plans.

You ever been to the South?

I'm like, bitch.

I'm from the South.

[laughter]

Let's see.

The smart people got the joke.

Smart people?

The smart people got the joke.

The pendejos are like, really?

From--

[laughter]

--like Louisiana or something like that?

Like-- But see, even the mojados are

going in Spanish, no Souther, Souther, Souther, Souther.

[laughter]

[speaking spanish]

[laughter]

He goes, I got plans, man.

I was like, what are we doing?

He said, you want go mudding?

I was like, what the fuck is mudding?

He goes, mudding bitch.

Have you never been mudding?

I was like, I've never even fucking heard of that shit.

What's mudding?

He goes, mudding is fucking amazing.

Mudding is when you go in a pickup truck,

get a fuck load of beer.

Go out to the middle of nowhere where no one can hear you.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

That's mudding.

You want go mudding?

[laughter]

[groans]

Sounds like you're going to fuck me, so no.

I'm going to say no to that one.

[laughter]

It feels rapey.

It feels very rapey.

I feel like he didn't even hide the fact

that he was going to rape me.

I feel-- you know what I mean?

Like, what did he say?

I'm going to get you really drunk,

take you out in the middle of nowhere in my pickup

truck, where no one can hear you squeal like a pig.

You're going to fuck me in the ass, cum in my ass.

Pull your dick out.

There's going to be shit on it, and then you're

going to go mudding.

That's what it sounds like.

[laughter]

But I've never been able to offend them.

Because the first time I went there, I told the redneck joke,

and they .

And then in my head I was like, I got to do something

to hurt their feelings.

And every year-- even during COVID.

Every year, I go perform at that club.

And every year, I write worse and worse and worse

and meaner shit.

At this point, they're not just jokes.

This is hurtful shit.

[laughter]

Because before I die, I want to hear this just once.

Just once I want to hear this.

This time you went to goddamn far you fucking beaner.

I want to hear that shit.

[laughter]

Just once, but it's never going to happen.

It's never going to happen.

Because every time I do a redneck joke

in front of a redneck, this is exactly how they react.

Well, shit that's true.

[laughter]

I mean, I never done that shit myself, but my cousin--

it's always a fucking cousin.

[laughter]

I've never-- I've never offended a fucking mojalo.

Never offended.

Never.

I've only-- I've only offended their bosses that

bring them to my show.

Some of you didn't get it.

OK, so here's what I mean.

So I was in Appleton, Wisconsin, and my buddy Jose goes, hey,

let's go to the Olive Garden.

I was like, let's go.

So I went to the Olive Garden in Appleton, Wisconsin, OK?

They put me in a corner, and there was nobody around me,

and it felt really weird.

And after I ate, the guy comes up.

He goes, hey, I'm a huge fan.

I was like, oh, that's what happened.

You put me over here because you didn't want-- yeah,

that's exactly what I did.

I didn't want people to bother you.

You know what I mean?

I was like, I get it, but don't ever fucking do that again.

What you did was fucking mean.

No, I was protecting you.

Maybe, but we're in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Those people out there, I'm the best celebrity they're ever

going to fucking meet.

[laughter]

It's real shit, and you took it away

because you think that I don't want

to take a fucking picture with somebody

because 30 seconds of my time isn't worth making

these people happy.

That's bullshit.

The reason I'm good at what I do is because I care about people.

Don't ever fucking do that again.

Ever.

And he got all excited.

Oh, my God.

I'm so excited now.

I go, why are you getting so excited?

My kitchen staff-- they love you.

They love you.

They think you're amazing.

Would you mind going taking pictures with them?

And I was like, fuck yeah.

I would love to meet the Italians that made

this wonderful meal for me.

[laughter]

Do I need to finish that fucking story?

[laughter]

For the three of you not laughing,

it wasn't Luigi making my shit.

It was Luis.

[laughter]

And there was a weird moment when

I was walking toward the kitchen because the Italian music

in the background faded away, and then the kitchen music

got louder and shit.

So that was this weird moment of (SINGING)

when the moon hits your eye--

[singing in spanish]

[laughter]

So those are the buses that bring them to my show.

But at the end of the show, every once in a while

I'll get this.

I waited till the end of the show

as to not offend you in front of your fans,

but now that I'm here, you need to apologize to this man.

You kept referring to him as an illegal.

This is a human being.

This is what's wrong with the world.

Words fucking hurt, and this is a human being,

and human beings, by virtue of being people,

cannot fucking be illegal.

But thank God they're always there to go, no jefe,

I'm very illegal.

[laughter]

I know you don't know this, but the papers that I gave you--

that's not me.

[laughter]

My-- my name is not Jacob Johansen.

That's not my name.

[laughter]

Oh, my God.

You're illegal?

Jefe, remember when you asked the waitress for ice

and I fucking left?

[laughter]

I didn't know where you were going with that, jefe.

I didn't know.

You said, I want ice.

I said, I've got to get the fuck out of here.

[laughter]

They don't care.

They accept who they are.

Oh, my God, but he called you a wetback.

He said wetback too.

I know.

That was very nice of him.

How is that nice?

Because I swam, so I was wet everywhere,

but he just said the back.

That's very nice.

He could have said [spanish],, but he didn't say that.

They accept who they are.

They're happy as shit.

That's why I love hanging out with them.

Never offended them.

They teach me, right?

Like when I go hang out with my illegal immigrant friends,

I begin to love life again because they don't

complain about shit like we do.

They don't bitch about the world like we do.

America is broke and America is [mumbling]..

They live in the shittiest parts of this fucking America,

and yet they believe in America like we don't.

If you don't believe me, go talk to somebody that lives here

in Brea, and they'll tell you how the taxes are killing us,

and you don't understand, and these Democrats

are ruining everything.

Well, you go to Santa Ana, they believe

in this motherfucking country.

[laughter]

In Santa Ana, they tell their kids,

mijo, if you work hard and apply yourself in this country, mijo,

one day you can live in Laguna Niguel.

Yes, you can, cabrón.

Yes, you can.

Maybe Anaheim Hills or some shit like that.

And see?

Look who laughed.

All the fucking immigrants?

Did you notice that shit?

All the immigrants laughed.

All the Americans are like, no.

It's more complicated.

It's very complicated.

Happiness is a choice.

Like, here's a statistic-- by the way, and for the people

out there watching it, listen.

If you live in a city or a town where

there is a billboard that says abogado,

that means lawyer in Spanish.

Call him, and ask him if what I'm about to tell

you is in an actual statistic.

So based on a geographical area the amount

of people that live in there on a per capita basis--

do you know who gets pulled over by the cops more

than African-American males in this country?

Illegal immigrant men, but you never hear about that shit.

You never see it.

You never see videos of it.

None of that shit.

Do you want me to tell you why?

Because when they get pulled over, there's never an .

When they get caught, they know they're caught.

They know they're fucked.

All they do is go like this and go, [speaking spanish]..

And all the fuckers that are not from Mexico

are practicing their Mexican Spanish

so they get deported closer.

[laughter]

I have to sound like a Mexican.

I have to sound like a Mexican.

[speaking spanish]

Because they don't want to be like, [spanish]..

You're not Mexican, bitch.

[laughter]

Go back to the Dominican Republic.

Fuck.

They're changing their music from bachata

to Vicente Fernandez.

Change it, change it, change it.

But once they get pulled over and caught,

they don't fight it.

They don't ask questions like we do.

Can you explain to me?

I know my rights.

Why did you pull me over?

They don't say shit, even when the cops are mad.

Hey.

Do you know why the fuck I pulled you over?

They look right at him and go, yes.

Yes, I do, jefe.

I'm not going to lie to you, jefe.

I know exactly what I did.

But I did like four things, which one did you see?

Which one did you see?

[laughter]

No.

I did like four.

I'll tell you--

[speaking spanish]

I'm not going to lie to you, jefe.

Turn on the camera.

Turn on the camera so it sees me, so it sees me.

[speaking spanish] I saw the sign, jefe.

I saw the fucking sign.

It said, no u-turn.

I saw the sign, but I didn't see you, so fucking, I did it.

[laughter]

Then I ran the red light.

Did you see that shit?

I told her it was yellow [speaking spanish]..

Then I got on the 22 freeway.

How fast was I going?

You were going like 85.

No, 94, but you didn't see that shit.

[laughter]

I saw you, cabrón.

You didn't see me put the brake.

I didn't put the brake.

I didn't put the brake.

I saw you, and then I let it go.

Let it go, pero--

Well, can I have your insurance?

Yeah, the general, he said, no.

[laughter]

The fucking [spanish],, he's a liar.

He said no.

[laughter]

Even the puta, Adriana, that bitch said no too.

[laughter]

Adriana said no.

Fred Loya said no.

That fucking bitch with the dog-- that puta said no.

Even the dog was like, woo, woo.

Fuck that shit.

Well, can I see your driver's license?

[speaking spanish] there you go.

[mumbles] What the fuck?

Your name is Jacob Johansen?

[laughter]

Yes, jefe.

That's my name.

Remember a few years ago when President Trump

said that he wanted more people from Norway to come here?

[laughter]

Well, here I am, jefe.

[laughter]

Johansen-- I am a Scandinavio.

Can you tell by the accent?

[laughter]

I am a vikingo, yes.

[laughter]

They're happy.

They choose to be happy.

We choose to be sad.

Think about this.

Every time Americans get two jobs, we complain about it.

Can you believe that I'll have to get a secondary job in order

to subsidize my standard of living?

Do you know how embarrassed I'm going

to be when I have a friend get into Uber, and I'm driving it,

and I have to explain why I drive an Uber?

Illegal immigrants-- fucking different.

Hey, Raul.

I got another job.

More money.

More money.

More money.

More money.

Ask an American to fucking stay overtime, oh.

[laughter]

Today?

What about you, Raul?

What about you?

More money.

More money.

More money.

[laughter]

Illegal aliens are always looking for work.

I love that shit.

Love that shit about them.

That's why every 18 months, I throw a party at my house.

I invite everybody, but I only expect my illegal alien family

to show up because they're the important ones

on these parties.

I tell them go through my whole house.

If there's a locked door, come get me.

I'll open it up.

And then they go through my whole fucking house.

The beauty of this shit is at the end of the night,

I have a list of all the shit I have

to fix in my fucking house.

Because every one of those mojados,

I helped them cross the border in some way, shape,

or form, so they feel like they owe me,

and they look around and go--

[speaking spanish]

--and fix that other shit.

It's fucking beautiful.

My regular family, they don't do that shit.

They come in and try to impress me.

They walk in my house and go, I was reading

about this the other day, Los.

Did you know that foyer is actually a French word?

It's supposed to be pronounced "fo-yeah,"

and it is to indicate that you're entering a home that is

so vacuous in space with a perch to look down upon those who

come to see you.

That is why there's a staircase that

leads to that little perch, where you could look down

on everybody else and let them know you

are the master of this house.

This is fantastic.

And the whole Tuscan feel--

God, this tile is amazing.

Here's my mojados family.

[speaking spanish]

Fuck, you tell jokes?

Jokes?

[spanish] pay for his shit.

[speaking spanish]

Carlos, Carlo, Carlos, you have cracks on your tile.

You have cracks on your tile.

No Carlos.

We're going to fix that shit on Saturday.

After my two other jobs, we're going to come and fix

this shit for you.

No, you don't have to pay us, Carlos.

Just get us a 24-pack of Morelo Negro Especial,

and we will fix this shit for you, papa.

Mira, Carlos, Carlos, I'm going to put dick in the crack

to fix the cracks, OK?

You're going to do what?

I'm going to put dick in the crack, you know?

To fix the cracks.

You're going to put dick in the crack to fix the cracks.

Thank God my father's a genius.

He walked out, and he went--

[speaking spanish]

He means cock.

[laughter]

All right.

Some of you didn't get that joke.

Some of you didn't get that joke.

I could tell some of you went ha, ha, ha.

Some of you were, like, [mumbles]..

If you didn't get that joke, it's OK.

It's OK because one day in the near future,

you're going to be at Home Depot.

You're going to walk by the caulk section and go, Ha ha!

Remember the cock for the cracks?

The problem is-- is that America is a country right now where

we want to see the divisions instead of the things

that bring us together, like comedy.

People have turned it into, well, you're doing comedy?

What kind of jokes are you doing?

Does it matter?

You see when you guys all laugh at one joke,

you're all feeling and thinking the same exact thing

at the exact same moment.

That is what I call unity, not separation,

but that's why people don't get it.

Illegal immigrants and rednecks are the same fucking person.

They just don't know it because there's a language barrier.

See?

Some of you are skeptical.

That's my point.

See?

A fucking redneck-- just break the ice.

Walk up to a mojalo and go, hey, come here, man.

I saw this fucker named Carlos Mencia,

and he told me that you and me are the same goddamn person,

and I don't believe that bullshit.

But he said all kind of other shit

that made sense, so I'm going to put it to the test

with you right here mano a mano.

I'm going to tell you about me.

You're going to respond in kind, and we're

going to figure this shit out together, OK?

Let's see if we're the same.

Some bullshit.

First of all, I speak English with an accent.

Me too.

[laughter]

I was born in the South.

Me too.

[laughter]

I drive a pickup truck.

Get the fuck out of here.

[laughter]

Look at my pointy boots.

Look at my pointy boots.

[laughter]

One time I fucked my cousin.

Yeah, I fucked my cousin one time too.

It was a quinceañera, everybody know.

Nobody told us.

They were laughing.

Shit happens, and the baby came out a little [spanish],,

but that happens.

It's OK.

In Spanish, they say [speaking spanish] so it's OK.

It happens.

It happens.

Well, here's one you ain't got to understand.

Every once in a while where I come from,

I put a Confederate flag on the side of my truck.

And I drive around to remind everybody

that I don't give a fuck what it is today.

This shit used to be the Confederate South,

but that's one you wouldn't understand.

Would you, Pedro?

You are so mistaken, I know exactly how you feel.

You see where I live in America, every once

in a while I put a Mexican flag on the side of my truck,

and I drive around.

You know, to remind everybody that I don't

give a fuck what it is today.

This used to be Mexico.

[laughter]

So I guess we are both losers.

[laughter]

He beat the shit out of you too, huh, jefe?

[laughter]

But see how some of us are laughing?

There are people that aren't laughing right now.

No, I can't believe you're talking about that.

And this is a shit we're fucking put into our kids

because words fucking have power now.

They don't.

Words can empower.

They don't have power.

And if any woman in here thinks that words have power,

I bet you if I asked you to lick my butthole you'd be like, no.

I guess I'm powerless, bitch.

What the fuck happened?

[laughter]

Because back in my day, if you're old enough,

you remember, we used to say what?

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words never hurt me.

Today is the opposite.

Sticks and stones can cause bruises that heal,

but words will devastate the inner childhood and me forever.

Fucking pussy.

Jesus Christ.

No.

Don't share because it's not their fault.

See, everybody likes to say this is the shittiest generation

of kids.

Well, if it is, do the math.

We are the shittiest generation of parents.

[laughter]

You see how three of you-- all the mojados went, yeah.

All the middle class were like [mumbles]..

This be-- be-- we-- we teach our-- first of all, here's

the problem.

We don't have enough kids, so we protect them too fucking much.

You see back in the days when people

had like four or five kids per family,

they were good parents because you love your kids

but not too much.

You paid attention but not too much.

You help them with homework but not too much.

You didn't hover over them because you had other fuckers

to worry about.

Right?

Today, it's like helicopter parents

because they have one fucking kid.

Are you OK?

Are you fine?

What's going on?

What's going on here?

Do you need help with your homework?

You know, mom was really good at trigonometry in high school.

So we don't have enough kids.

Now, we have what?

We used to have four kids per family unit on average.

Today, we have 1.8 per couple.

Get rid of immigrants, drops to 1.4,

which means a shitload of Americans only have one kid.

And people that only have one kid--

and there's some of you in here--

you're beautiful people.

You're shitty parents.

That's just a fact.

You're shitty parents because you pay too much fucking

attention to these assholes.

That's why.

They think they're the center of the universe

because your whole life that was you around them.

Your whole fucking life, what are you doing?

I love you so much.

How can I take care of you?

You're the best.

I love you so much.

Because they put-- they-- first of all,

you put too much pressure on these fucking kids.

That's why they're suffering from anxiety and shit.

Like, my parents never went to go see me play soccer.

They never saw one fucking soccer game.

I was a champion.

I took fifth in the state of California,

in the 300 intermediate hurdles.

My parents never saw me fucking run.

They didn't give a shit.

I was like, pop, you never saw me run.

No, did you do it for you or for me?

[laughter]

Well, I did it for me.

Then there you go.

[laughter]

I'm thinking you are there.

Well, you were there.

You were there.

[laughter]

Dude, today, go to a baseball game.

These poor fucking kids--

they're eight years old.

The stands are filled with parents.

Half the teams are telling the pitcher, you can do it.

You can strike them out.

The other half are going, you can hit the ball,

and the eight-year-olds are going, I want to play.

I want to fucking play.

And you could tell.

For those of you that think I'm lying,

go see eight-year-olds play.

When they strikeout, fucking tear gas.

Tear gas.

That's what-- strike 3.

[laughter]

And why are they out there?

Because your fucking dad went to UC Riverside

and almost made it in fucking baseball,

so now, this poor fucking nerdy [indistinct] kid

is trying to do some shit.

And there are laws of unintended consequences

that you need to be careful about.

Like, here's the thing.

Helicopter parenting-- I just did a joke about it,

but the term helicopter parenting is new.

Helicopter parenting itself has always been a part.

Even people that have a lot of kids--

helicopter parent, their first kid.

That's why for you people that only have one kid and you

think you're good parents, ask somebody that has four kids,

when did you get good at being a parent?

And they'll tell you, I suck on the first.

OK, on the second, by the third one,

I started nailing that shit.

[laughter]

But all you people with one kid, you're stuck on one,

so you're tired the whole fucking time.

It's a problem.

Listen, I'm one of 18 kids, OK?

Yeah, my parents had 18 kids.

I have 11 sisters and 6 brothers.

That's not a joke.

That's real shit.

My mom had 18 kids.

My mother never had periods.

She just had people.

[laughter]

One time she went like that.

I'm like, ooh, a tampon.

She's like, no.

Joaquin.

I'm like, oh, shit.

[laughter]

It's a person.

It's a person.

[laughter]

So I come from a different place.

But I asked my older brother--

I love you Roberto.

Thank you, man.

He passed away from complications of COVID.

But my brother, older brother, I asked him--

I go, hey, was mom this fucking crazy when you were a kid?

And he was like, no.

She was very nice.

She followed me around and--

one time I was trying to jump, and she didn't let me jump.

She just-- I got up.

She took me down.

I got up.

She put me down.

I was like, fuck.

That's the way she used to be?

Because I love my mom, but that bitch

used to give me preventative ass whoopings.

I used to get hit before I did shit.

[laughter]

Yeah.

My mom wouldn't even wait for me to fuck up.

We would go to a place back in the day near Whittier

in Atlantic called Two Guys.

This is real shit.

And right before we would walk in, my mom goes like this--

we're going to go inside this door.

You're not going to say shit.

You're not going to talk shit.

You're not going to ask for shit,

and you're not going to embarrass me, cabrón.

[spanish] if you fucking embarrass me,

[speaking spanish].

[laughter]

Did you just hit me for some shit I might do?

And she was like, well, then don't do it, pendejo.

I didn't do it already.

[laughter]

Some lady says to me, well, it was

easy to raise children when you were growing up.

I was like, really?

Why?

You know it was legal to beat your children back

in those days.

I'm like, bitch.

Do I look like I'm a hundred?

The fuck are you talking about?

It was never legal to beat your children when I was growing up.

I know this for a fact.

I will never forget March 19, 1978

in East Los Angeles, Hammel Street School, Miss Tanaka's

class in the fourth grade.

I was 10 years old.

Why do I remember this day?

Because I grew up in East Los.

Back when I was there, 98% Latino, 69% immigrant,

and those immigrants beat the fuck out of their kids.

And when I say beat the fuck, I don't mean funny beat the fuck.

I mean we had bruises on our backs,

so we couldn't go to school for three or four days,

and the shit became an epidemic.

So they sent the Sheriff to our school to explain this to us.

You're in America now, kids, and it

is illegal to beat children in this country.

If your parents ever hit you, it is a felony known as assault

and battery punishable by up to 15 years of incarceration

in the state of California.

There is a card in front of all of your desks.

You remember that number, and you call that number

if your parents ever hit you again,

and I will personally go to your house

and arrest both of your parents.

One for hitting you and the other one for neglect.

You have rights now.

And then because we were in East LA, they had to say this too--

[speaking spanish]

And I went home that day cocky like a motherfucker.

I got home, and my mom goes, so mijo, what did you

learn in school today?

I'm like, I learned that you're a fucking felon, bitch.

That's what I fucking learned.

I learned that you're a hypocrite, ma.

That you're a shit talker, ma.

Talking all that [spanish].

Telling us not to break the law, not to steal, not to do drugs,

not to sell drugs, while you've been committing a felony known

as assault and battery every time

you get that iron cord, dip it in hot water,

and beat the fuck out of your kids.

Well, that shit is over ma.

You ever fucking touch me again, I'm calling the cops,

and they're going to come and arrest you, mom.

You for hitting me and dad for being a fucking pussy

and not stopping you from hitting me.

[laughter]

And then I get to go live with these white people called

the fosters.

[laughter]

Hey, fuck you.

I was 10, dickheads, OK?

I thought I was going to go live with the family that made

ice cream for Foster's Freeze.

[laughter]

And my dad goes, run, Carlos.

Run.

All my brothers and sisters are crying.

She's going to kill you.

She's going to fucking kill you.

My brother Joseph is holding a shovel.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

She's going to make me bury you, Carlitos.

What the fuck?

This happened before?

This happened before?

I swear to God on that day I found out

that I have a brother named Omar that

never made it to adulthood.

[laughter]

Now, I'm scared.

I'm freaked the fuck out.

What is about to happen in this house?

What kind of an ass whooping am I going to take?

And then shockingly, my mother goes like this.

I know it was you.

Ask your father.

We talked about this the other day-- that you're the one.

You had to prove it, but now I know.

I'm your mother, mijo, and you're my fucking son--

the one.

You understand me?

And I don't know what she was saying, so I looked at my dad

like, hey, what the fuck--

even my father was like, I have never seen this movie before.

I don't know.

Even the Jesus was like--

[laughter]

I go, I don't understand, ma.

What do you mean I'm the one?

And she goes, you're the one that's

going to be rich in this family.

You're the one that's going to make money in this family,

and you're the one that's going to buy your mother and father

a house when you get older.

So really?

How do you know that?

Because you use your brains, and people

that use their brains to work in this country

make a lot of fucking money.

People that use their hands, like your brothers and sisters,

minimum wage.

[laughter]

You don't believe me about your brothers and sisters?

Minimum wage?

Using their hands?

Look at your brother Joseph ready to dig

a fucking hole like an asshole.

Look at him.

[laughter]

[speaking spanish] You don't understand.

You know what?

You don't believe me.

You don't believe me?

So here's the thing.

And by the way, my mother on that day

knew that I was going by her house.

I had no idea.

I thought she was fucking crazy, but if you

want to see the house that my mom and dad have because of me,

the one that I bought them, you can remember this address--

4174, like Freddy Krueger, on View Drive--

Encino, California.

All right?

Or you can just type in, where does

Kevin Garnett live in Encino?

And then look at the house opposite from his

that's white with a pool that looks like an eight.

That's where my mom and dad live.

She fucking knew on that day that I

was going to buy her house.

I didn't believe that shit as I would ever.

I'm going to buy you a house.

Bitch, I'm a fucking hit you in front of two cars when

you get older, puta.

That's what I'm going to do.

And my mom saw that I was skeptical, so she goes, mijo.

To prove it to you, you've been asking for shoes forever.

Let's go get your goddamn shoes [speaking spanish],, which means

which one do you want?

What she meant was, you want shoes right now?

Let's go down Floral, across Atlantic right on the left

is a place called Payless Shoesource.

We'll get you some Prowings and shut the fuck up.

But if we wanted good shoes, which I did.

I wanted the LA Gears with the lights and the little twisty

leather on the fucking sides.

We didn't buy those here.

We had to drive to [speaking spanish]

at a place called [speaking spanish]

across the street from a famous whorehouse called Adelitas.

That's where we fucking went.

So I go, mom, if I'm going to buy you

a house, the least you could do is get me some bad ass shoes.

So she got me fucking bad ass shoes,

but here's what happened.

She goes [speaking spanish],, and we

got in my mother's blue Comet, which I remember

because it was a stick shift.

So my mom's all, [speaking spanish]..

We never drove into Mexico, by the way.

Like, we only drove to Mexico.

We parked on this side of the border in San Ysidro,

and we walked over this bridge.

Now, for those of you that have been there recently,

there's nothing like it.

This is 1978.

It was just the bridge.

There were no guards, no fucking anything.

It's just a bridge with a red line painted across.

That's all it was--

a red line.

That was the border.

I didn't even realize how relevant a goddamn strip

of paint would be until we crossed that shit.

And my mom goes, do you know where we are now?

[laughter]

Nobody give a fuck about you in Mexico.

And then she just picked me up like nothing

happened and went, OK, [speaking spanish]..

Let's go get your shoes.

And I'm trying to run to the American side.

My mom catches me, and she goes, yeah, yeah.

I go, you're going to hit me again.

She's like, no, mijo.

I'm like why did you-- why did you fucking hit me, mom?

Oh because I want you to know that I know you're smart,

but I want you to know that I know now,

and I know that you know that I'm fucking smart.

I tricked you, cabrón.

You didn't even know that this shit was going to happen.

Like a fish I throw the worm [speaking spanish],, got you.

So now that you know that I'm smart and you're smart,

you know that you didn't get it from your stupid fucking

father.

That's what I wanted you to know.

[laughter]

Yeah.

And what I just did right now is what

we're taking away from our children

when you say that everything is sad.

That nothing is funny anymore.

That comedy is out of bounds.

You laughed the hardest at the joke

where my mother took me to another country

just to beat the shit out of me.

And good for you.

This is what we're supposed to do.

This is-- you're supposed to laugh at a certain point.

It's like when your friends fall in front of you.

It's not funny at that moment, but a few weeks

later, a couple of tequilas, and you're all fucking laughing.

This is how it's supposed to go.

Because like-- I want you to understand

who you've just watched.

You have watched literally the first person the internet ever

tried to cancel.

You can go online and check it.

You can see the algorithms.

You can see the choices.

Since 2006, the internet has been telling you

not to fucking see me perform.

Comedians, people talk and mad shit about Carlos Mencia.

Some of you will find out when you post on your social media

that you saw the show, and they're

going to say some stupid shit like, whose jokes did he tell?

You know he's not Mexican.

You know he's [mumbles].

Anything to diminish whatever accomplishments

I have because that's what we do in this country.

We don't want to elevate ourselves anymore.

It's better to bring other people down.

Let's not say my team is the shit.

Let's say that team sucks.

That team ain't shit.

Fuck that quarterback.

Fuck that guy.

Fuck these people, instead of uplifting yourself.

Like right now, people are pissed off in the world

because Brazil when they score, they all

get together and dance.

Why are they dancing?

Well, if you don't want them to dance,

stop them from scoring, bitch.

The fuck is-- they got 11.

You got 11, puto.

Put your foot out, bitch.

Put your foot out.

But we put other people down to make us feel better

about ourselves.

I don't do that shit.

You could go online.

You'll find a lot of hate toward me.

You know what you won't find?

Me speaking ill of those who speak ill of me.

You have never seen that shit, and you never fucking will.

That's not what I do.

That's not how I roll.

I uplift myself, and you can come along or not come along

because life is life, and it is amazing and beautiful,

but we're not ready for the happiness

anymore because we're Americans, and we're spoiled.

Shit, we're in Southern California.

We need fucking rain.

But when it rains here for one day, we're like fuck, yeah.

Thank God.

By the second day, we're like, when

the fuck is it going to stop?

[laughter]

You can't make us happy anymore.

This is the average American.

One day you wake up and you get in your car,

and you go to work.

And on the way to work, you hit a pothole.

And your car makes such a loud sound that you go, holy shit.

Did I pop a tire?

And you pull over to make sure your car's OK, and it is OK.

But now, you're fucking mad, especially

if you're in California.

I've got to pay fucking taxes, and then I

got to pay more taxes.

And then I got to pay more city taxes,

and you got to fucking take shit out of my check,

but you can't fix a goddamn fucking pothole?

This is goddamn bullshit, and this

is why people in other states are talking shit about us.

Taking all this goddamn money.

Fix a fucking pothole.

You call every day.

Fix my fucking pothole.

Fix my fucking pothole.

And then one day you wake up, and they're fixing it,

and what's our reaction?

Construction?

What the fuck, man?

[laughter]

Today?

Because we don't know how to fucking

know bad things happen to good people,

and good things happen to bad.

Everybody in this room will fail.

Everybody in this room will falter.

Everybody in this room will fall on your fucking ass one day.

Who makes you who you are?

What makes you who you are is this--

how do you act after that?

How do you get up?

What do you do?

Do you get up on your own?

Do you ask for help?

Do you pull somebody down while you're trying to get up?

Who the fuck are you?

You see me?

This is why I'm-- you've seen me do this.

See me talk about the crucifix?

So if you don't know, I'm a Catholic.

I'm a proud Catholic.

I have no problem with that shit.

I love it.

That being said, I am also one of those kids you heard about.

I was sexually abused by a priest when I was a kid.

I would not joke about that shit.

That is real, but it's OK.

And I don't want anybody in here to feel bad for me

because I'm not like you.

See the majority of Americans would--

you know, you've heard them.

You've seen them.

I haven't had a decent relationship in 40 years

because I was abused by a priest,

and I just don't know how to overcome it.

That's never going to be me because I'm different.

And I had a guy confront me about that shit.

He was like, I was abused by a priest,

and you go up there and tell people blasé if it's nothing.

To look on the bright side, silver linings?

Can you explain to me what's the bright side of being sexually

abused by a priest?

And I looked at him and I said, hey, this is just me.

I'm not telling you to be like me.

I'm telling you that this is me.

This is how I see shit.

I blew a priest.

I'm going to heaven.

That's how I got the shit.

I paid my dues.

I paid my fucking dues.

Some of you people aren't laughing.

What have you done for Jesus lately?

[laughter]

Yeah, bitches.

I swallowed.

I'm in the VIP section.

[laughter]

I like how some of you women are going, oh.

You sucked the dick for tickets to my show.

I suck the dick.

I got into heaven.

I think I'm winning, bitch.

You made a fucking mistake.

Oh, you think I'm lying?

Oh.

Hey, Bob.

Let me have that beer.

No, no.

Open it.

No, no, no.

The empty one.

Just the empty one.

AUDIENCE: Oh, no.

You're a whore.

Hold on.

Hey, I'm not proud that I sucked dick before,

but I would never lie to you.

That shit was so good.

I saw your man look at you like, bitch, why can't you

fucking do it like that?

[laughter]

But see, you expect me to be a victim,

and I'm not because that's what we do in this country.

It's not my fault. It's the red state or the blue state

or the immigrants or everybody's to blame for your bullshit.

Everybody's complaining.

Oh, my God.

Trump is going to run them down.

What if he does?

Who gives a shit?

What if he wins?

Then he got the votes.

But I don't want him to win.

Then I don't know what the fuck to say.

I don't understand.

Can you explain Trump to us?

Yes.

Trump is easy to explain.

We had a Black president for eight years.

We thought we were ready.

We obviously were not.

Shit got a little weird, and orange is the new black.

[laughter]

Tada!

[applause]

But instead of challenging people to get better,

we go to the easy thing, right?

Lower the standard.

Just lower the standard so that everybody can

have their easy fucking moment.

I do it.

Everybody does it in comedy.

If you've ever seen a special before,

they all end with a big joke.

It's called the closer.

You know why we do that?

I'll tell you.

We tell a big joke at the end like a perfect set

is after you stopped laughing when I hit myself

and the microphone fell.

That's a moment where I go, I hope

you had a good time, good night, and walk off stage.

See?

I created a wave of energy.

You laughed and applauded and then missed the energy.

I say good night.

Do you know why we do that?

Because we don't trust you.

Seriously.

We want you to fucking cheer and laugh, but you might not.

And God forbid that my insecurities fucking actually

take over so that's what happens.

Thank you good night because we don't believe you.

Well, I'm going to change the script.

I want the world to fucking start seeing shit differently.

And here, this is-- hold on.

This is your moment, not mine.

I was up here for 81 minutes.

Now, those of you watching, you're like, wait a minute.

We only saw an hour.

You should have come to see the real show, bitch.

[laughter]

It's not my fault. There's like five empty seats.

You could have showed up.

Fuck you.

But see this is your moment.

No prodding.

No bullshit.

No jokes.

Just silence.

And now, you get to decide what you thought of the show.

Good night.

[applause]

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[applause]

AUDIENCE: We love you.

We love you.

[applause]