Original subtitles

Wow. Brian graduating.

But you guys thought this day would never come, huh? And after hour three, I

thought it would never end.

That speech Brian made, valedictorian, more like valedictorian.

Or valedictorian.

Yeah, or valedictorian.

We already said that one.

We'll be in the car.

Your speech was wonderful.

Thanks, Aunt Linda. So what did you guys think?

Well, to tell you the truth, it was kind of hard to concentrate. There was a

woman next to you making fun of you with her hands.

I was signing for the hearing impaired.

I, for one, was very moved by your speech.

When you said that part about following your dream, it really spoke to me.

So tomorrow I'm quitting my job to write my novel.

Oh, well, I didn't really mean to.

I can't wait to read it.

Um, so, Mom, I'm going to go get some of my math lead buddies who can take a

picture of all this. Okay, honey.

Did you bring a camera?

Why would I bring a camera?

I don't know. Perhaps because it's the most important day in your son's life.

Then it's kind of his responsibility to bring the camera.

Okay, we're ready.

Okay, guys, get together.

Is that a camera phone?

No.

Okay, everybody, smile.

Say bovine curd coagulant.

Cheese!

Oh, that's Kiefer.

You people are terrible.

So, big day for Brian.

Yep. Lots of emotion.

Yep. You feel any?

Well... Oh, thank God, me neither.

I can't believe I'm not the least bit... Wait.

Wait.

Oh, I feel something.

Yep. Here come the waterworks.

You can't tell me all these people are that broken up about their kid

and leaving home.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, look at Fitz. He's okay.

Okay about what?

Well, that your kid graduated and is leaving, you know, going out into the

world. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later. My little boy.

I just want to hold him one more time.

Sunrise, sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.

What's wrong with this, Bill? Are we totally unemotional?

I don't know, Judy. I cry every time I see that movie, Rudy.

How could you not?

They put him in for that one last play.

He was five feet nothing, for God's sakes. Five feet nothing, but he was all

hard.

Hey, Mom and Dad, me and the guys are going to go.

Oh, you two.

It was going to get you sooner or later.

Excuse me, could you take a picture of me and my parents?

Sure. Mom, get your camera. Okay.

How do I... Just press anything.

Okay, guys.

I've got some big, big news. Of course, given what you know about me, you won't

really be surprised.

And the closet door swings open.

I love you, but I'm not walking in any parade.

You know, there's a boy in choir who's been asking about you.

All right, listen, jackasses.

My news is I got accepted into the summer program at the University of

I'll be moving into the dorms in two weeks.

Well, come on. Can you believe it? I'm actually going to be moving out of the

house. Great. I'll move out of my way.

Thank you.

Seriously. Thank you all for preparing me for a world filled with indifference.

You know, come to think of it, you may be a little fussy for my choir friend.

I'm not gay!

Wow, he's really leaving.

Well, this is big.

Yeah, let's take a minute and think what this means for our family.

I get his room! No, I don't! I called it first. I called it that time he fell

through the ice and we thought he was a goner. Okay.

You two, stop it.

Fine. She can have it. I'll just stay in our room.

Ha!

Wait a minute. Our room's bigger.

I called it!

I can't believe those two moving into Brian's room before he's even left the

house. Yeah, that's so selfish.

Yeah, that'd be like us taking over his room and building ourselves a big master

suite. We'd never do something like that.

Well... Oh, thank God. You want to do it too? You know, Fitz and Marion have

this great contractor we can use. Oh, you know what? Brian's going to think

we don't even care about him moving out, and we do.

Well... Oh, thank God. You don't care either?

We just have to keep it a secret from the kids. Hey, can we get one of those

glass showers?

Why? You want to watch me soap up?

Yes.

Okay.

Oh,

you know what I just realized?

We could have separate toilets.

No more leaving a sock on the door to warn me to wait in hell.

Yeah, would you guys mind if I... Mom, I'm only going to be 20 minutes away,

I'll be at home sleeping in my room every other weekend.

Trust me, it'll never be the same.

So you and your wife are contractors, huh?

I couldn't imagine doing that with my husband.

The only thing I've ever seen him hammer is a six -pack.

And even then, he got tired in the middle.

So Fitz and Marion highly recommend you guys. They say you worked wonders for

them, and they're happier than ever.

My husband and I thought we could handle this on our own, but obviously we need

professional help. I'm going to have to call you back.

Who was that?

That was the Church of the Latter -day Saints.

That's why I said I would call them back.

Ladder.

Judy, did you make that appointment?

Did I get your ointment, Billy?

Yes, I got your ointment.

Right, right, right.

So when's the appointment?

Bill. With the ointment guy.

Don't blow this for us, dummy.

So, you have an appointment with an ointment guy?

It's a little personal, Brian.

Mom and Dad are acting really weird.

It's not an act.

No, I mean, I heard Mom making some kind of appointment on the phone with

someone who was referred to them by Fitz and Marion.

Fitz and Marion?

Yeah, someone who worked wonders for them, and then...

And then Dad came in the room and Mom got all sneaky about it.

Oh, my God.

That must mean they're going to a marriage counselor.

Marriage counselor?

Yeah. Fitz and Marion went through that terrible separation last year, and I

guess this person must have helped them through it.

You really think my mom and Dad have a bad marriage?

Oh, no.

Well, maybe your mom.

They have been crying an awful lot lately.

Well, Brian, you know, sometimes a big change in the family structure can throw

a marriage into disarray.

It's pretty obvious who they're upset about losing.

Me.

I haven't been around much lately.

You haven't? I've been working on my novel.

Or it could be me graduating and leaving home.

Oh, Brian, honey.

Everything isn't always about you.

I know. I'm pretty sure this is, though.

I just hate that it makes them so unhappy that I'm leaving.

I think I'm going to go say something. No, no, no, you can't. They obviously

want to keep this thing private. They're very private people.

Much like the guarded couple in my novel, Guinevere and Pierre von der

You really should read it.

Yeah, I don't know. How about just the first chapter?

All right, how long?

600.

Okay, this is what I wanted to show you. The jacuzzi I put a down payment on.

Oh, does it fit, too?

There's room for you, me, and enough extra room for my fantasy to come true.

I'm not taking a bath with you and a pot of chili.

Come on, you've got to throw me something here.

How about 20 years with a woman out of your league? How about a pot of chili?

Are you done?

Yes. Let's do those steam showers. No. What?

Give me a paper cut.

Oh, now you give me one. Is there any of that ointment? There is no ointment.

We lied to fool Brian.

I'm really in pain here.

I am, too. I hurt just as bad as you do. Mine's deeper than yours. This is hell.

I'm living in hell.

Just give it a little time. I don't want to give it time. I want the pain to

stop now.

All right, that's it.

Mom, Dad, I know what you guys are trying to keep from me. You do?

Yes.

You're all torn up about me moving out.

We are?

Dad, you don't have to pretend anymore.

I can't stand to see you guys in this much pain.

That's why I'm not going to do it.

I'm not moving out.

That's right. Just let it out.

Your little bri -bri isn't going anywhere.

What do you mean you're not moving out?

Brian, I'm not letting you put our dreams on hold. Your dreams on hold.

Don't worry about it. I can still go to college. I can just live at home.

We don't want to hold you back. You need to spread your wings. Go out into the

world and stay there.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. If you really think so, then I guess I'm moving out.

That's great, son. You should get an education and find yourself a good

Someone who loves you enough to take a bath with you and a pot of chili.

But those women are few and far between.

If they exist at all.

Okay, the contractors will be here any minute. Ah, good thinking. You put on

something old and ratty so they won't think we're rich and soak us.

I just bought this yesterday.

You look pretty.

Hey, guys. Hey, pumpkin.

What the hell's she doing here?

She lives here.

Still, you hear all these stories about kids running away and our house is still

packed.

Don't worry, I'll get rid of her.

Hey, sweetie, who wants to go shopping?

Mom, we already discussed this. We're not the Gilmore Girls, okay?

Not with me. All by yourself with my money.

Awesome.

You know, you're not just a mom, you're a friend.

Bye.

Hi. Uh, where are you going?

Mom just gave me money to get out of the house.

Why?

I was going to ask, but I was already leaving, and I like money.

Mom, listen.

There's a reason why Mom and Dad have been acting so weird.

Why don't you sit down?

Brian, I've seen the empties. I know how much they drink.

No.

I think Mom and Dad are going through a tough time in their marriage right now

because I'm moving out. But don't worry.

They're going to couples therapy.

Wow. That's major.

What are you talking about?

Well, when people like Mom and Dad go to couple therapy, beginning of the end.

Just like Beckett's parents.

Couple therapy led to group therapy, which led to a cult, which led to

Orgies? What, Mom and Dad?

Yeah. Imagine how much the other people would have to drink.

Oh, that must be Dan and Melanie. Remember, we want to get into bed with

people, so don't do anything to turn them off.

Hey, Millers. We're so glad we can finally do this. Yeah, we had to find a

when none of the kids were home. I hear you. You don't want to freak the kids

out if they catch you doing this.

Well, let's go up to the bedrooms and get busy.

This has been a fantasy of mine for so long.

That's why we're here, to make people's fantasies come true.

These are the two bedrooms.

Okay, great.

Melanie, you and Bill take that room, and Judy and I will start in here. Then

after that, we'll swap.

So, your son doesn't have any idea what we're doing up here, huh? No, he thinks

we're all really sad about him leaving.

Can you imagine if he knew what was really going on?

That is quite a piece of equipment.

Thanks. You should have seen the look on Melanie's face first time she laid eyes

on it.

So you're going to take pictures?

If you don't mind.

These might end up on our website.

You know, to bring in new people.

Well, don't get ahead of yourself. I have to be satisfied first.

I'm sorry it's so small.

Okay, I like a challenge.

Well, Bill, I'm ready for you.

Put your finger there.

Oops. A little to the left.

Further.

Further?

Bingo, that's the spot.

Oh, oh, oh, my back's starting to cramp up.

Oh, that's okay. I'll finish on my own.

Why don't you give Dan a hand with your wife? Oh.

Oh, there you are. Good news. I have chapter two.

No, I gotta get out of here. I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, well, I have a cure for you. 700 pages of romance in a leper colony. It's

called Take My Hand.

My parents are soulless perverts.

They're swingers, swappers, whatever you call them.

Swappers? Come on, Brian, I find that unbelievable.

Your mother, maybe, but your father?

I'm fond of that guy up there with my mom. Makes me want to march up there and

open up a can of punch face.

You guys are so great. Well, I was delighted about how flexible you are.

Ryan. Oh, hi. You must be their son.

We were just in your bedroom.

I'm Dan. All right, that's it.

Pleased to meet you, Brian.

Sorry, I don't know all the wacky handshakes you kids do.

Let go of my hand. I'm kicking your ass.

You are?

Why? Because you're disgusting.

Brian, what are you doing?

I'm defending your honor, and I want this wife swapper out of our house.

Wife swappers? They're not wife swappers. They're contractors.

Who are only here to swap wives with us.

Don't blow this, dummy.

Bill, it's over.

Brian, they're here to turn your room into a master suite for us.

You're redoing my room?

Already? All right, we were going to wait until you actually moved out, but

and Melanie were so hot, this was the only time they could do us.

How does a misunderstanding like this even happen?

I can't believe you two. You don't even wait until I'm out of the house.

You two are heartless, terrible people who never think of anyone but

But we're not swaps.

I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

It's okay. The real irony here is that Melanie and I actually are into... Shut

it.

What a crazy day.

I think chapter three just wrote itself.

All right, put those down in the basement.

This is so unfair.

We have to clean up Ryan's room and we don't even get it. Yeah.

I am counting the days until I can move away to college.

How many are left?

There's a hundred days in a year.

I'm never going to get my own room.

Half a year, 65.

Hey, guys.

So, I guess this is the last of it.

Are you sure you're okay with us changing your room like this?

Yeah, it's okay. I mean, besides, it's your house. You should be able to do

you want with it.

And I'm really looking forward to living in the dorm.

Sex, loud music, drinking games.

Can't wait to leave all that behind.

Well, if you miss it, we'll be here.

BYOB.

I gotta go pick up my dorm cash. I should probably get going.

I'll see you around.

Well, our son just left his room for the last time.

Yep.

Starting to feel it?

Nope. Me neither. What is wrong with us?

It's not like we're never going to see him again. He'll only be 20 minutes

Unless you know he'll come back to play with a dog.

What dog?

The dog I'm going to buy.

Brian 2.

Yeah, it'll be nice to have a Brian who can catch a ball when I throw it.

Well, we should probably move this dress or this wall's coming down in the

morning.

This thing probably hasn't been moved in 50... Fifteen years?

Oh, my God.

Brian must have drawn that when he was little.

Hello? Hello? I've been gone for over a month. Does anybody care?

Of course not.

I thought you guys were going to remodel this place.

Yeah, well, we decided we liked it just the way it was.

We want you to still feel like you're part of the family when you come home.

Thanks, guys.

That's really sweet.

What's this?

Brian Miller, All -State Quarterback of the Year?

I got that made.

You're not going to be here. I'll remember you the way I want to.

It's all right. Everyone at school thinks you're a cardiologist.

A cardiologist.

Cool.

Hear that, Judy?

I'm dealing blackjack.