Original subtitles

Ah, revisiting some of your old meals?

Judy, this is the only clean shirt I have, but if I'm wearing a pink shirt

my dad gets here, he's going to call me... A big girl? Exactly. Or a wuss? A

weenie? Yeah. Or Nancy Boy?

Or Pinky Chunkadero?

I'm just saying he could be me.

God, that's him.

Besides, this visit isn't about you. It's about your dad and Joy getting

married. So grow a sack, you fruit bag.

Again, something he would say.

Hey, beautiful.

Joy! Hey, sonny boy.

Great to see you. Hey, Dad.

Wow, what a shirt.

Ah, here it comes.

I get it. I'm a silly, sissy, weenie boy.

Dancing, prancing, twinkle toes.

I was going to say I like it, but the dance not so much.

Ah, what the hell. The dance was cute. Do it again.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

Honey boy, you look fantastic.

You been working out? Oh, yeah, I get it. I'm a great big tub of lard. Boom,

boom, boom, the whole house is shaking.

It must be all that dancing that keeps you fit.

Al, I think Bill's a little confused because you've never been nice to him

before. Oh, yeah, well, listen, son.

I know in the past I have been rough on you vis -a -vis your masculinity.

But since this little lady came into my life, I am the new happy Al.

Can you believe I even got this big old growly bear to take up yoga?

I can now reach to here.

I am practically a gymnast.

So you two are getting married. That's wonderful.

You don't have a little bun in the oven, do you?

She don't even have an oven.

Last year.

I don't miss anything.

All right, Joy, let's go upstairs and get situated.

These phlebitis socks are binding. I'll bring the bags up in a little while.

Thank you, sonny boy. Listen, it's great to see you.

It's really great.

You too.

Well, either my dad is dying or he finally loves me. Either way, I win.

Maybe Joy's made a difference.

I just hope nothing happens to mess up this visit.

There's the mess right now.

Mom can't know my dad's here. It'll set them both off.

Oh, Judy, Billy.

Lucky me, I ran into Lauren at the mall.

Yeah, lucky.

My friends got to hear her story about returning defective insoles.

Yes, even the salesman agreed they didn't eat enough odor.

Surprisingly, after that, my friends disappeared, and I needed a ride home.

Yes, I better be going. Yes, you should. Yeah, you don't want to hit the

traffic.

What's your father's suitcase doing here?

Oh, uh, that's mine.

Oh, I know the suitcase, Billy. I've thrown it out on the front lawn enough

times.

You see that bullet hole right there?

That's from the time when I caught him with your whore of a kindergarten

teacher.

Louise, Al is in town to get married to his fiancée, Joy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I wish every happiness to him and the poor cuckoo bird who'd be fool enough to

marry him.

What a lovely half of a compliment.

Yes, well, I do not hold a grudge against that skirt -chasing booze hound

left me flat broke.

And there's the other half.

Hey, son.

Louise? Al.

Things good?

Fine. You?

Can't complain.

Oh, is this who I think it is?

Yeah, Joy, this is my ex. Yeah, the name's Louise.

I am so happy to meet you.

Oh, Al never told me what a lovely and elegant lady you are.

Well, thank you, Joy. That is most gracious of you.

I wish you every blessing.

Al, she's a wonderful girl.

Must be 2 o 'clock.

Judy, do you think this is too risque for a wedding dress?

I don't like to show any clavicle.

Just keep your knees together when you sit down.

Hey, we're back from the mall.

Oh, don't look. Cal, you shouldn't see my dress before the wedding.

Oh, it don't matter what you wear, Dodd. You won't have it on for very long.

In fact, if the kids weren't here, I'd show you one right now.

We're here! We're here!

Look at this beautiful silk that Sonny Boy got for me, huh?

Ah, it was nothing. I used my Berenson's employee discount.

Well, a father never had a son better than Sonny Boy.

I'm going to go put this on right now. I didn't try it on in the store because I

decided to give my briefs the day off.

Well, they deserve it. They work hard.

Well, I got to say, Joy, you've turned my dad into a new person.

Well, underneath, your dad's always been a very sweet man.

After all, I'm not just marrying him for his money.

Kind of how I just didn't marry Bill for his figure.

Sure, it's a bonus that Al's a millionaire, but I'd marry your dad if

have a dollar to his name.

Oh, my God. Did you hear that?

Yeah. Apparently, you think I'm a big, fat slob.

Oh. She thinks Al's worth millions. He lied to her. You can't let him get away

with that. But we're finally getting along.

He likes me. I like him. Why ruin that by making him beat me to death?

Fine, if you don't want to confront him, I'll just go say something to George.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to him. But first I'm going to have to have sex with

Cheryl Tease.

Something I always promised myself I'd do before I died.

As a courtesy to her, you might want to wait till she dies.

Again, something the old Al would have said.

Oh, hey. Hey, sonny boy. I was just checking my email.

Oh, you know how to use a computer?

This Internet technology is amazing.

Check this out.

Ten reasons why beer is better than women.

Number seven. Beer doesn't make you take out the trash.

So true.

Listen, Dad, can I talk to you about something important?

We were, uh...

talking to Joy downstairs.

She's a peach, isn't she? I'm lucky to have her.

Apparently, she's under the impression that you're filthy rich.

She told you that, huh?

Yeah. Why would you lie to her like that?

Son, I had a very good reason at that time to get me something.

But now you're getting married. Doesn't she deserve to know the truth?

Why? I'll always take good care of her.

Besides, what if she gets sore and calls off the wedding? Then you'll never get

to be my best man. Dad, she's not going to... What do you mean, best man?

Sure, didn't I mention it? You're my best friend.

Why shouldn't you be my best man?

Best friend? Wow.

Dad, that really means a lot to me.

So it's agreed.

We won't say anything to Joy until after the ceremony.

I guess.

All right.

Now... Who wants to watch a squirrel on water skis? Oh, no, Dad, I should really

go down. Oh, he's got a little life preserver.

Oh, there he goes.

All handled.

So you talked to him? Yeah, yeah, and he made me his best man, and we agreed to

tell Joy everything.

after the wedding. Is that a bald eagle?

Get back here!

Bill, she needs to know who she's marrying before she walks down the

You didn't, and it turned out great.

For you?

She's not marrying him for his money, so what difference does it make? Besides,

this is my family.

I don't butt in when it comes to your family.

Look, my dad told me I was his best friend. I waited my whole life for that.

Don't ruin it for me.

But I don't want any part of it. If Joy should ask me outright, I am not going

to lie to her. This whole thing makes me feel dirty.

Dirty?

How dirty?

Really?

This is the moment you pick?

You brought it up, and once I get started, there's no stopping me.

We have cake.

Ooh.

limo's here.

You sprang for a limo? Judy, it's my dad's bachelor party. I wanted to show

I have class.

Hurry up, Dad. The limo driver's wearing a bikini and she looks cold.

Let's go pick up the guys.

Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999.

You know that song?

What song?

It's the year before my first heart attack.

Sure don't know about my bump ticker, so keep it under your hat.

I'm going to need a bigger hat.

Hey, Bri Bri, what you doing?

Just trying to figure out how to pay for college. Hey, is there any chance we're

part Native American? If we are, I can get a scholarship.

Well, your father does belong to the Sloth Club at the Indian Casino.

Which I'm guessing is the reason I need a scholarship.

Hey, guys.

Joy, did you find your wedding night lingerie?

Well, I wanted to ask your opinion.

Which would you choose?

Demure or trashy?

The trashy one's got the bow.

What the hell?

Go with the bow. Hoor it up.

Judy, Joy and I had a very interesting afternoon. She got her photos developed.

Oh, she doesn't want to see my boring old photos.

Yeah, she does. She does.

They're of Al's beach house.

In Boca.

Oh, my God. Al has a beach house?

Yeah, it has to be on the beach because that's where the water is. For Al Boat.

Al has a boat? And a sports car?

And a racehorse? And a maid? No.

That's our neighbor, Gloria Estefan.

That's crazy. How did Al get so rich?

Joy said he made a killing in real estate.

That cheap bastard.

He hasn't been lying to Joy. He's been lying to Bill.

And my idiot husband is out there throwing his money around trying to buy

love. I'm going to go confront Al about scamming Bill.

Forget Bill. I want to know how he taught Gloria Estefan into washing his

windows.

My dad and his last night as a bachelor again.

Buddy, for your wedding night, I can't give you anything old or anything new,

anything borrowed, but here's something blue.

Take one an hour before showtime.

No, thank you.

I have a lot of other problems, but the soldier still salutes. All right.

Hey, hey, why are you taking that slip?

I'm feeling lucky.

This joint's got a lot more ladies than when we used to hang around here.

And obviously, they need more men.

I mean, they got to dance with each other for crying out loud.

This place has turned lesbo, you dumb bastard.

But me and Scully still come here for the memories. And once in a while, you

to see two broads kiss.

Plus, when you're a prostate the size of mine, you appreciate not waiting in

line for the men's room.

Well, drink up, guys. I'm going to go check on our reservation at Gibson's.

Gibson's Steakhouse?

Oh, that's fancy.

You sure about this?

I don't sweat it, Dad. It's on me. The whole night's on me.

This is the old steel mill bar.

Wow, it's quite the gal on gal scene, huh?

You see, Bill?

Uh, no.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, thank you. I'm here with my husband.

Oh, too bad.

There's Al.

I'll have another. Put it on Bill Miller's tab.

No, put it on Al Miller's tab.

Oh, please.

Does Bill know that you frequent this sort of an establishment?

Where's Bill?

He's checking our reservations at Gibson's.

He's taking everyone for dinner at Gibson's? Bill can't afford that.

Unlike you, he's not a millionaire.

Oh, you found out about that, huh?

How could you, Al?

You're sitting on a fortune and you're letting Bill throw his money around all

week. The boy insisted.

He loves his dad.

Hey, you guys are right. This hot lesbian does look like Judy.

Judy?

Judy.

I'm here for another reason.

Bill, your father needs to tell you something.

I'm loaded.

So am I. That's why I got the limo.

What your father means is he's really rich, and he's been hiding it from you.

Rich? Not that rich.

I owned some stock, an apartment building, a water park, and a few KFCs.

How did this happen?

I was having a fling with one of your teachers.

We went on a booze cruise. I ate some bad shrimp that thick as a dog. They

me 200 Gs to shut the hell up.

After that, I invested wisely.

And you kept it a secret all these years?

Well, I'm modest. I don't like to puff myself up.

Unlike the night that I ate that shrimp. I was like this.

I know why you didn't tell me. You wanted to keep it a secret so you could

Mom and the divorce.

Hey, I didn't want that divorce.

Your mother left me.

Oh, so you decided to punish her by letting her struggle? You were long

You don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

You haven't changed. You're a mean, selfish jerk like you always were. You

what? Get another best man. I quit.

So you're really not going?

Nope. I'd rather stay here and do this list of chores you gave me.

That's from 1987.

So you're going to go?

Yeah, for Joy and the kids. Tina can't wait to show off the flower girl dress

she picked out.

Well, I got her into it.

Tina, you look beautiful.

Thank you, Mommy.

Are you sure you can get around in that?

Yeah, no problem.

Please do not tell me you have to go to the bathroom again.

You do, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Real bad.

Oh, God. Quick, you get the other end. Move, move, move. She's not talking.

Yoo -hoo, it's Nana.

Hi, Mom.

Is your father here?

Nope. He spent the night at Scully's. Oh, good. Well, I just came by to drop

my tiara. Tina wanted to borrow it for the wedding.

How come you're not dressed?

I'm not going.

Why not?

Mom, sit down.

What's wrong?

I found out something about Dad that might upset you.

He made a pass at my sister Doris at your grandpa's funeral.

Top that.

When you and Dad were breaking up, he was hiding a bunch of cash from you.

Well, I'm not surprised. He always loved to pinch a penny. And my sister.

You're not upset about the money? I mean, because of him, you had to work

jobs. Yes.

I had some tough years.

But when I let go of my anger, I found a fabulous new life with Johnny.

Hey, anybody home?

Oh, hi, Louise.

Yeah? I was on my way to church, Bill. I just wanted to show you how nice the

suit hangs.

He's a son of a bitch, Billy, but he cleans up nice.

Thank you, Louise.

I'd throw you one if I wasn't a changed man.

Well, uh, you showed me the suit. You can go now. I also came by to tell you.

that I am deeply sorry.

I did some things that I truly regret.

It's not me you should apologize to. It's Mom.

You're right.

Louise, I've wronged you.

I was a bitter, unhappy person then. I'd like to believe that I'm different now.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

I never thought I'd hear you say those words.

Even when I walked in on you and Doris, all I got was an oops.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

So what do you say? I still need a best man.

I don't know.

Oh, let it go, Billy.

Don't poison your life with hatred.

Good or bad, he's the only father you're ever going to have.

When I said you were my best friend, I meant it.

I was also trying to throw you off the trail of my money, but what the hell, I

meant it.

And it would kill me if you weren't standing next to me on my wedding day.

Okay.

I'd be honored.

I love you, son.

The day goes by that I'm not proud of you.

Thanks.

I'll go get dressed.

Just don't wear that pink shirt, okay? This isn't San Francisco.

So listen, Louise.

I realize you're entitled to some money. Oh, I don't need your money.

Johnny and I are doing just fine.

I sort of knew that, but I wanted to make the gesture.

We do have a grandson who's struggling to pay for college.

Well, I guess I can chip in on that.

You're a good woman.

Not everybody will forgive being screwed out of millions.

Well, I like to think that I'm a butt million.

What are you talking about?

I thought it was a couple fouls.

Ah, there you are. Well, I'm going to the wedding after all.

Really? That's great. Yeah, I figured if my mom could forgive him, so can I. She

forgave him? Yeah, I never thought I'd say it, but I think my mom and dad can

finally be friends.

Oh, I can't believe we used to go through this. If you had a million

then you... What am I talking about?

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Cause you make me happy.