Original subtitles

Five, six, seven, eight.

And leap.

Turn. Chasse.

Chasse. Snap, snap, snap, stop!

What? Uh, I would like you to tell me exactly what that was.

Uh, Chino's big fight scene from West Side Story.

Well, it looked to me like he was fighting musical theater, and musical

was losing.

Aunt Linda, I appreciate you helping me with my choreography for the school

play, but do you have to be so demeaning?

What's the... matter? Is it too much for baby?

Baby can't cuddle, huh? Does baby want to quit, huh? No, dammit, baby can do

Five, six, seven, eight.

See ya.

I'm going to the movies. With who?

Trey. You've never met him. Wait a minute.

I've never met him.

Hmm.

If there was only some opening in the wall through which he could enter and

introduce himself.

Trey, get your ass in here.

Eureka.

Okay, Mom, just hear me out, okay?

Trey's a little bit older.

Oh, my God, he's in college? No.

I know I'm not allowed to date college guys, but don't worry, he dropped out.

Hey.

Hey.

Trey.

Are you sure you're not Trey's father?

Ooh, and I just found out I'm not Tyler's father either.

DNA rocks.

Well, have a good time at the movies.

I was talking to him. You're not going anywhere with that guy ever.

Mom, this is so unfair.

Lauren, that guy reeks of loser.

He is not a loser.

Hey, we have to leave right now, Lauren, if we're going to sneak into the 7 .30

show.

He has to save his money. He's putting himself through bartending school.

Lauren, you need to have higher standards when it comes to boys.

you'll end up with some low life.

Look what I taught Tina to do.

This one really is mine.

We're really going to miss you around here.

I can't wait to have a child. I know. They're great.

Want three more?

Hey, has Dr. Holman found your replacement yet?

No. You should talk to him about it. He pays a lot more than the other dentists

in the office, and I only have a four -day work week.

Really? I'd love that.

Plus, he gave me this.

Oh, my God.

That's from him?

Yeah, for Christmas. It's cashmere.

Good night, Tammy.

Thanks again for the... Oh, it was worth it, seeing the look on your face when I

gave it to you.

Yeah. So, Dr. Holman, I hear you haven't found a replacement for Tammy yet.

Yeah, but it's hard to find someone who has their priorities straight when it

comes to home versus the office.

Oh, I hear you.

For me...

Work always comes first. My family could take a flying leap.

Actually, I'm talking about a well -rounded person who likes to spend time

their family.

That's exactly what I meant about taking a flying leap. We skydive together as

family. Well,

that's great because my motto has always been family is the most important meal

of things.

That's my motto, too? Oh, wow.

Chills.

I'm glad to know that's how you feel. Yeah.

Would you consider me for the job?

It'd be great to work with someone who loves their family since I treasure mine

so much. Excuse me.

What the hell are you two boobs doing here? Don't ever bother me at work.

I chipped a tooth during a knife fight.

Oh, my God. You were in a knife fight.

Imagine the gayest knife fight you ever saw and then add dancing.

Sign him in. I'll see if Dr.

Gerber has an opening.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I chipped a tooth. I got kicked in the mouth. What happened?

A knife fight gone bad.

Wow.

Cool hat.

What's with the shark?

It's my gang tattoo.

I'm Chino.

I'm Amy.

I know they don't have guys like you at St. Mary's. Oh.

Um, listen, I think you've misunderstood.

See, I'm in West Side Sharks.

That's the name of his gang, the West Side Sharks.

And I'm about at the end of my rope with this punk.

Gino, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. What are you doing? Saving you from nerdicide. You actually have a shot

with that girl.

She's a little out of my league. That is not true. She's totally out of your

league.

But she likes you because she thinks you chipped a tooth in a gang fight, not a

ballet accident.

I can't just lie about who I am. Of course you can. I lie about who you are

the time.

Well, I'm not going to lie to Amy.

Oh, good. You're still here.

I wanted to give you my e -mail address.

Oh. Um, listen, before you do, I think you should know that... I have a tattoo

I'd love to show you.

And I shanked a guy in prison.

Yeah, I took no pleasure in it, but it...

Had to be done.

What the... Hey,

Dad. Just talked to Amy. Made plans for a tête -à -tête.

Atta boy.

Going right for the tets on the first date.

So, where does Chino, the gang member, take a lady to impress her? To the Sci

-Fi Film Fest.

They're screening Battle for the Planet of the Apes. Brian, she thinks you're a

tough, sexy guy.

Wear your leather jacket and take her to a club.

Oh, okay. Well, I suppose I could Google leather club and sexy guys and see if I

can find a place.

Great idea.

Dinner's ready!

Wait, the table's not set.

All right, here's the deal.

I am up for a big job promotion that would be a dream come true for everyone

this family. So that means... I could quit my job and become a trophy husband?

You're not as much arm candy as you are filled with candy.

Anyway, it would mean a lot more money for everyone in this house, and we all

know that money is happiness.

I'm invited to dinner at Dr. Holman's house, and I need everyone to be on

best behavior.

Okay. See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You have to pretend to be

polite little girl. And you need to pretend that you are a model father who

cares about his children.

All three of them?

And you, no more loser bartender boyfriend.

For your information, Trey is no longer a bartender.

Did he get fired?

Maybe.

For stealing?

I can't comment on a case that's ongoing.

Look, I am serious.

I need everyone to be on their best behavior Saturday night.

Saturday night? I have a party. Yeah, and I have a date, a really hot date.

seen her. She's real.

Not like that Lara Croft we thought he was going with.

Walt, you all have to reschedule. Okay, look, I really want... I got this job.

So we're going to go to Dr. Holman to be a happy, loving family. So shut your

fat mouth or I'll stab everybody in your slate. Yes, ma 'am.

I love you guys.

This is such a colossal waste of time. Hey, we'll have none of that attitude,

Lauren Kathleen Miller, age nine.

You like cotton candy, Barbie dolls, and roller skating.

That's me.

Well, now it's her. You like hip -hop, driving, and bartenders.

and a few idiots to pull it together for one night and then we can go back to

hating each other as much as we want.

Gang's all here.

Hey, Miller family, come on in.

Thank you.

This is my husband, Bill, and our kids, Brian, Tina, and Lauren.

Quiz me on any of their middle names, I know them all.

It is my wife, Denise.

My middle name is Noreen.

Great, now I just forgot them all.

Thank you, Noreen.

Isn't he great?

laugh a lot in our family together as a family laugh and family

let me take your coat hey are you a math elite no no no that'll

be little tina yep tina noreen Miller. Brian's captain of his team. Yeah, we

call ourselves the math magicians. Oh, we were the algebros.

Hey,

maybe you could give my daughter a hand. She's been up in her room struggling

with her calculus homework.

Hon, our guests are here.

Brian would be glad to help, wouldn't you, Brian?

Yeah, sure, I'll help. I'm not afraid of a little calculus.

I'm your man.

Daddy?

It's nice to meet you here for the first time. Amy, is it? Yeah, it's nice to

meet you for the first time, too, Brian.

Look at our two families getting along.

Family along.

So, who's up for the grand tour? Follow me.

Hey, hey, hey.

What a cool lab.

I like with the color scheme and the matches.

Dad, what am I going to do? I can't act tough for Amy. Mom wants me to be a nerd

for her boss.

Amy thinks you're only acting like a nerd because you're with your family.

simple. You're a nerd pretending to be a thug pretending to be a nerd.

I wish my drama coach was here. This is the toughest role ever.

Try being your father.

For the love of Luke Skywalker?

That's right. You're looking at the fifth.

largest collection of sci -fi memorabilia in the greater Chicago area.

We don't take vacations, but we have a time machine that doesn't go anywhere.

It's a time helmet, and you can travel anywhere in your imagination.

That's great, Brian.

You love this stuff. Yeah, you know me. I love this stuff.

Whatever.

And now for the piece de resistance, my proudest possession in the galaxy.

This is an elite replica costume worn by General Ursus in Planet of the Apes.

Whoa.

This baby cost me quite a bundle, but she's worth it.

And I'm driving a 12 -year -old car.

Wow, that's amazing, huh, Brian?

Come on, don't get up with the guy.

Why don't you try on the monkey suit?

No, no, no, no. It's only been worn by the actor who originated the role. And

me. I could show you the Christmas card.

You know, Judy and I have a costume collection, too.

Isn't that right, Fraulein?

Let's see the rest of the house.

Sorry about my dad. He's such a loser.

Yeah, what a loser. Look, he's got Xenon and Xenon right beside each other.

Everybody knows they're archenemies.

Yeah, can you believe all this crap? I am this close to taking a sledgehammer

all this junk.

Especially that stupid monkey suit.

You can't do that. I mean, I'd smash it up, because I'm scary like that.

Yo. But, you know, you've got to live with the guy, so... Please, I have my

parents full just like you do.

My dad thinks I'm this goody little two -shoes who still collects stamps.

You're a collateralist?

A what?

Stamp stock.

Rare and precious as they may be.

Well, how about I show you something even more precious?

Wait, Amy, I think there's something you should know.

But first, one more.

Wow, that's good.

Anyway, I have to tell you... Why don't you tell me in my room?

No, no, I need... in your room? Wait five minutes, then head on up.

Don't let anyone see you.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

So beautiful, that soft hair, unforgettable face.

You will be mine, General Ursus.

You will be mine.

So every night at bedtime, I read to Tina for at least a half hour.

You do?

Of course you do, honey.

You just fall asleep because books are so boring.

You guys are such good people and so much fun.

You know, I don't like to let business intrude on family time, but I'm going to

talk to Dr. Gerber on Monday morning about you coming to work for me.

Oh, thank you so much, Doctor. That'd be great.

I'll go check on dinner.

Oh, God.

We did it! We did it!

doing here? Lauren, I've been trying to call you all day. Why haven't you been

answering your phone? Because I took it. She's not allowed to see you.

How did you find me?

Oh, I tailed your minivan and then I hid in the bushes when you went inside.

Stalking us? That is totally crazy.

I'm totally sweet.

Oh, hi. Who's this?

Oh, hey, Trey.

I'm Lauren's boyfriend. Cousin.

Her boy cousin.

Isn't that right, Trey?

Dude, I'll be anything if you let me stay.

We're very close.

I hope it's okay that I invited him.

Not a problem. Welcome.

Hey, can I get you something to drink? How about I get you something?

Who's up for Alabama Slammers? Me!

Dinner is almost ready. Thank God.

Has anyone seen Amy and Brian?

Brian must be in the other room. Bill, why don't you go get him?

The only good human is a dead human.

I'm going out on a limb here, Brian.

Hey, Dad. What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. It's a once -in -a -lifetime chance.

So is Amy. Where is she?

Upstairs, waiting for me.

And you're down here in a bear costume?

I'm an ape. A damn dirty ape.

You get upstairs to that girl. I'll tell everyone you're helping her with

homework. And don't you dare help her with homework.

Ow, ow, ow. Dad, Dad, it won't come off.

Okay, just let me give it a good tug.

Ow, ow.

What is going on in here?

Take off that Teen Wolf costume before Dr. Holman catches you.

Everybody calm down.

I'll handle this.

Hey, come here.

All right.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Oh, God.

What are you doing violating my costume? And look at my collection.

It was an accident. How dare you people destroy my husband's precious

collection?

I know how to fix this.

I'm going back in time one hour.

Oh, how do I go back in time to just before this happened?

Oh, my God.

I told you to trash the place and you actually did it.

Wait,

you two know each other? That's right, Dad. She knows my boyfriend.

Oh, and he's in a gang.

Wait a minute. This is the girl you've been seeing?

Judy, you knew about this?

Yeah, but I didn't... You need to go. All of you.

I'm sorry, but I don't think working for me is such a good idea. And you, you

hoodlum. Stay away from my collection.

And my daughter. Mainly my daughter.

But I love him.

You can't love him. I will not allow it. Let me explain.

Amy, I lied to you. I was never in juvie. I don't drive a hog.

I'm embarrassed to say that I don't deal crystal meth.

Then why would you tell me all that?

Because I wanted to impress you. And the truth is, I didn't smash up your dad's

collection because I hate sci -fi.

I did it because I couldn't resist.

Because I love sci -fi.

Please, you're just saying that to get your mom's job back. No, it's the truth.

Listen, the fact is, I'm a bigger sci -fi geek than you.

All right.

You don't even know the first law of robotics.

A robot may not harm a human being or through inaction allow a human being to

come to harm. Everybody knows that.

All right, then.

How many Star Trek episodes feature tribbles?

Two. The trouble with tribbles and more tribbles, more troubles.

What was the name of Luke Skywalker's gunner on the ice planet Hoth?

Dak. Duh.

Name all 11 Doctor Whos. I can't. Aha.

Because it's a trick question. There are only ten Doctor Whos.

You are a nerd.

You know, geekiest charge.

Geekiest charge.

So,

uh, are we good here?

Am I still your new assistant?

How could I say no when you have a kid like this?

I'll see you Monday, Judy. And you can see this fine young man whenever you

want, sweetie.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, let's put all this behind us and have a nice dinner.

I wonder where Lauren is with her cousin.

Looks like second base.

Denise, that was a great dinner.

Any more of that roast left?

Not a scrap. We ate every bit of it.

I think I left something in here.

Denise made a delicious pot roast.

It works.

No, you idiot. There's no such thing as time travel.

Let's go.

I wouldn't have it any other...

Because you make me...