Original subtitles

Recording date 19 -10 -71, take one.

I'm up. Oh, hello, love. Thank goodness you're home.

Yes, we've been waiting for you.

Why, is tea ready?

No, the trains have bunged up. What?

The chairs happened this morning.

Well, why didn't Arthur do something about it?

Well, he's painting the chairs, love. You know, he said he was going to paint

the chairs today.

Well, why didn't he stop painting the chairs and do something about it?

Because it so happened I did. Oh, what did you do?

I nipped next door, borrowed the rod, so you could do it.

Blimey, isn't it marvellous? Why is it I get all the dirty jobs in the house?

I've been trying to do more mornings down with this.

Oh, if it's bugged up that much, love, God, you'll never... Listen, you'll

do it without.

Well, it seems to be getting easier.

That's a good girl.

Funny, it's getting easier, but the water isn't running away.

Of course not. You broke the plunger, ain't you?

Ah, typical.

She's so heavy -handed, everything she touches comes away in her hands.

I tell you what, she never let a stroke to your head so much.

I think we can do without your cheap humour.

Well, let's face it, mate, you've got a bit of gloss on your bonks and you're

getting on men's chairs.

You don't shut up, you'll get a hard gloss on your tonsils, mate. Now, now,

was only joking.

What shall I do with this?

Well, get yourself another one and you've got a nice padded bra.

I'm not going to help you now.

Oh, it's only joking. The trouble with you is, no matter what you do, you never

finish it.

Oh, very true.

All right, where's the rods? I'll screw it together and do it myself.

Oh, you're not in your uniform, love. It's a very dirty job.

Well, I'm not going to put my own clothes on to do it, am I?

You should have a special set of clothes for doing jobs, mate. I have.

I'm wearing it now.

Look! Mate, I can always put it down to fair wear and tear.

I call it flagrant dishonesty, mate. No wonder the fares are going up.

That uniform was given to you for work. I know the regulations. You are supposed

to wear it on duty and when proceeding to and from duty, and that is all.

And there's nothing in the regulations to say that I can't unbung a drain on my

way to duty.

And as it so happens, I go through the back way on my way to duty, right?

Right, now come and give us a hand with the manhole cover. It weighs a ton. Go

on. I'm very sorry. I want to finish this chair.

Oh, in any case, love, I don't think he should strain himself lifting that

manhole cover.

You know what the doctor said after he had his operation.

God, that was years ago.

That's very convenient, ain't it? Just because of his operation, he can't

to lift up the manhole cover.

Oh, no, Stan, there's lots of other things he can't manage as well.

No, I can understand.

Wait a minute. Oh, yeah, I'll go and do it. Hey, Arthur.

Yeah. You'd better hold that brush with two hands, mate. What?

Well, you don't want to strain yourself and ruin the rest of your married life.

Here we are.

That is a highly professional finish, though I say so myself.

Oh, it looks lovely. It's so clean -looking.

Yeah. That reminds me.

How's Stan getting on with the drains? Has he unbunged them yet? No.

Think still, Paul.

Here! Stan!

You all right?

Yeah!

I've got one of these rusted blunts and his roots are stuck!

Here. He's lying on his stomach with his head down the drain.

Is he really?

Three minutes he said he'd take to do that job. Big head.

Here. My son hasn't got a big head.

Worst luck, isn't he? Otherwise you might have got him bunged up one of the

drains.

Oh, yes, loves. Now he's putting it down a drain.

You can have that and all. Right -o.

Oh!

Oh, he's running away.

If you'd eaten it all, we wouldn't have had to put any down the sink.

No, but then we'd have needed rotting out, wouldn't we?

No,

it wasn't only that, though.

Stunky was all bunged up with a great big wedge of stuff and a load of other

stuff and everything.

Look, it might have happened. Also, I threw down a bit of olive semolina and

custard pudding.

Well, he shouldn't have thrown that away.

Oh, you did like it then.

No, we could have mixed them both together and bunged the holes up in the

bar. Oh, God.

That'd be nasty, love. Nasty?

It's all right for you to talk here. It wasn't down there like I was. Look here.

You haven't half made a mess of your uniform.

I told him he should have had another set of clothes. Oh.

It'll have to go to the cleaners again.

No, I won't bother about it. I've had it over a year now.

I'll go to the depot and get myself another one.

Those uniforms are supposed to last you two years, mate. Yes, it doesn't matter.

I'll tell them I got it messed up on the bus.

Oh, love, I don't think they're going to believe you. I mean, nobody can get a

suit like this just driving a bus.

I don't know, your clothes get twice as dirty just being a passenger on one of

his buses.

Very funny.

Anyway, if this don't convince old Blakey, I'll just shuck some more stains

it, that's all. I don't think that's necessary, mate.

The way you eat it will happen automatically.

Cutting a meal should do it.

All this talk of food's making me hungry. I think I'll lay the table for

Yeah, well, mind the check.

That doesn't seem right.

Look what you made me do.

Art, just leave this signature.

You've left your fingerprints.

Oh, shut up.

Give me that cloth.

No, no. Don't wipe it on there.

Wipe it on my uniform. I'm getting a new one tomorrow.

Oh, Stan.

What? Oh, really?

Hi, Sid.

Hi, darling.

Hi, doll.

You coming in?

Yeah, hang on a bit. No, I've just put in my new look uniform.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, old blaggy's just gone in there for the fall. Oh, good.

Like that? Yeah.

Watch a minute.

Oh.

I've checked your clothing issue form, and you can have a new uniform.

Ah, good.

Yeah. Six and a half months' time.

Six and a half months' time?

You must be joking.

This is all worn out, mate. It's all greasy.

I'll tell you something else. It's very dangerous driving in this, you know.

I'll tell you what.

What are you talking about?

Well, the seat of my pants, they're so shiny that every time I brake, I slide

off the seat.

That's got nothing to do with the uniform, Butler. That's the way you

will dry it, mate.

Every time you clap the brakes and half the passengers slide off the seats and

all.

Oh, can't be funny. I tell you, it's all worn out.

Even the cleaners won't take it. Ah, look at him. Even his buttons are rusty.

That's not rusty. It's a tomato suit, look at it.

Ah, there it is, but look.

Look at that, the mucky pup. Look, he's all over your sleeve. Look at it, look.

Oh, I took quite a bit off, yeah. Look at it, look.

Swimming with oil, that is. When you put on your ear, mate, you can fry a pair

of kippers in it. Look at it.

By the smell of it, I think he has.

On a second look, I think you'll have to have a new uniform.

Ah, yeah, I thought you'd agree.

Yes, I'll make out a chitty.

It'll cost you £24.

£24? Hey, you agreed.

Butler, the company only supply a new uniform every two years. If you wear one

out before that, it's all bloody funeral, mate. Oh, this is ridiculous.

Oh, come off it, Blackie. You're always talking to us about public relations.

Well, how do you think the public feel when they see you walking about like

that? Bloomingside's safer, I should think.

Don't know you're not driving the bus.

Oh,

stop being funny. I tell you, this is all borne out. It's worn out from

the bus.

But, lad.

I know you, busman. All you do is you take that uniform home and you do mucky

jobs about the house, and then when it's worn out, you expect the company to

provide a new one. Well, you're not going to get one, mate. I tell you, it's

fair wear and tear.

Butler, I am not going to say any words with you. All I can say is I'll have it

cleaned at the company's expense.

It won't stand cleaning.

Rubbish. Now, you get that bus out. You're late out. Oh,

stingy.

I tell you what, mate. I know a bloke who runs a cleaner's business.

He'll put that right.

What are you talking about? Don't you worry, mate. By this time tomorrow,

have a new uniform.

Well,

where is your driver, then? He's three minutes late now. Oh, well, he's

collecting his uniform from the cleaners. He's changing now.

Oh, well, let's hope they've got some of them stains out, then. Oh, yeah, they

have. Make no mistake about that.

Oh, here he comes now, look.

This is my uniform, yeah.

I took it to cleaners, had it cleaned, like you said. Look, it's a ticket here.

Jack, shall we get the bus out, mate? Oh, yeah, right. Hang on, hang on.

Can't go around in a uniform like that.

Why not? It's clean.

Yeah, what's left of it?

Oh, my God.

Well, I suppose I'd better that you have a new uniform. It's the only way out of

it. You'd better come in the office, I'll make out a ticket.

Oh, my God. You know this is going to cost the company £24, don't you?

Actually, it's going to cost a bit more, isn't it? Eh?

Well... there was a quid for having it clean, see?

Well, that should only be ten bulbs, shouldn't it? Ah, yeah, but you see,

have it retexturised to take the shine out.

That's the end of that last one.

Hey, Mum.

I told you I'd get a new uniform, didn't I, eh?

Eh? Just look me over.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's wet paint, mate. Oh, it's lovely.

Isn't it nice, Arthur?

I think it's a fraud.

As usual, the public will have to pay.

Oh, shut up. Take a notice of him, Mum. He's jealous. Yes, it's such a lovely

fit, isn't it?

Oh, especially round the back.

I was lucky, you know. It was the last one to fit me on the peg there.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, I've just nipped it open to show it to you.

As a matter of fact, I've only had it 20 minutes.

You do surprise me. I would have thought less. It's still clean.

Trust him.

I'll get you a nice cup of tea. Good idea, Mum. I might as well have one home

while I'm here.

a second coat of paint.

Has it come off? Has it come off?

What's the matter with you? You've got to warn me. I told you the paint was

You told me about the cabinet.

I gave that chair a second coat, you great idiot.

Get it out of the way before some other fool goes in.

Paint on that chair.

Oh, he wanted to take the marks of his fingerprints off.

Well, I've got the fingerprints off, now I've got his butter marks all over it.

Come on, love, give me that.

Here, try and get this off quick. Yes, righto.

Now, take this out on there. Don't mind it out of the way, Mum. Right.

Oh, look, get that white spirit. Yes. I threw the last of it down the sink.

What?

If you worry, mate, you'll catch it. Have a quick sit in the manhole.

the black bits white.

Here, love, some detergent here. Go find that stain remover.

That's not going to do any good.

That paint sets rock hard in half an hour.

What? Well, get it off, you. Put it on there. Get it off. Get it off, quick.

blimey, that's gone right through, mate. That's set it hard already.

Get it off. All right, all right.

There's only one sure way to get paint off in that state.

What's that then?

Bend over. Right, OK.

the worst of it. Well, that's going to do a fact not a good, mate. Well, rub

hard, rub hard. Look here, I've got this little wire brush. This gets everything

off.

Right,

right. Drink your tea, mate.

trying to get something off his trousers.

Well, I didn't think he was trying to get something out of his eye.

It's his new uniform.

All the paint on his new uniform. Look at that.

I'm not going to get it off.

Well, what sort of paint is it? This stuff Art has been using. It's on a

draining board now.

Well, let's have a look at it.

Polyurethane. Diamond hard in half an hour. Resists boiling water and hammer

blows. Well, that's handy.

What's Blake going to say? God, he didn't... mind giving me this one in the

first place?

Oh, there's only one thing you can do, mate. Get straight down to the depot.

maintenance place have got some stuff that'll take the paint off anything.

Oh, stop talking like an idiot. How can I walk about the depot like that? Put

your overcoat on.

Oh, good old Jack, yeah.

Yeah, I never thought of that. Well, hurry up, mate. The quicker the better.

Yeah, have they really got something down the depot to get the paint off?

This is me. What he's got on his uniform is nothing compared with what we have

to get off the seats of our buses on a Saturday night.

Aren't we?

Sometimes it's like spring cleaning at the zoo.

Go on, hurry up. We've got to walk.

What, all the way?

When you're in hurry, you don't catch one of our buses.

Well,

I suppose I've got to paint that all over again. Just look at it. Lots of

all over the place. Can I help you?

No. You cannot.

I've had enough trouble. Keep out of the way. Keep back.

Look at that.

What's the matter now?

I sat on the cupboard.

You what?

Does it show?

You and your brother? I don't know why I married into this family.

Oh, well, Arthur, you can't go through life without a little accident now and

then. Little accident?

I had my big accident ten years ago, didn't I?

Walking up the aisle of that church.

Right. Oh.

Oh. You're still here, then. I thought you'd finished.

No, we just popped back for a bite in a canteen. Yeah.

You come back here to eat in our canteen?

Oh.

I always knew you were stone bonkers, mate.

Oh.

Oh, I got it.

What? I get it. You came back here to show off your new uniform, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you've seen it yet? What's it like? It's very good. It's a good fit.

Oh, let's have a look then.

No, I'd rather keep the overcoat on.

Oh, I get it.

Want to keep it clean, do you? Yeah, of course, of course, yeah.

The way you eat in a canteen, mate, you want to keep that coat on.

That's funny, Jack.

Come on, let's have a look at it.

No, I'd rather keep the overcoat on.

Butler, it's my job to check these things out. Come on, let's have a look

All right. I mean, no, it's not... I don't mind you having a look at it.

Yeah. Oh, that's not bad at all. It's a very nice picture. It's very nice, yeah.

No, it's very nice.

It's absolutely marvellous.

I've never seen anything like it. Come on, Stan, I'm starving. I can't show

He's starving.

I've got a teddy cat. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. Now, look.

We've got to get that off as quick as we can.

Well, I don't know much about it. I'll just bash them out. The paint has gone

for a cup of tea.

Well, surely you know what they used to take paint off with?

Well, I don't know.

Hey, here it is. Oh, stripper. This is it.

That's it. You paint it on with a brush.

You leave it for 30 seconds, and then it softens the paint right down. That's

it. That's just the stuff we've got.

No, not on that. Start with me trousers first. Yeah, righto. Here, Nobby, keep

an eye out for Blakey, will you? Yeah, yeah. Hey, go careful with that stuff.

you get it on your hand, it burns the skin right off. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Here we go.

It's easy, isn't it?

Just a bit more. All right, listen, do the trick, mate. Do you reckon you'll do

it? Yeah. Yeah, I should do.

Inspector Blake's calling you all over the place.

They've told you he's in here.

Yeah, there's copies. Come on, mate.

Oh,

just chatting to Nobby, then.

Well, I want a group of the 618. I want you two to take it out. Come on. No, no,

we can't take that out.

What are you talking about, Buckner? It's overtime, boy.

Yeah, I know, but...

Where's your trousers?

What's going on here?

Well, I can explain. You see... Look, I know you want to keep your uniform

clean, boy, but, I mean, this is blooming ridiculous.

I mean, you can't go wandering around the depot like that with no trousers on.

There's women working here. Yeah, he knows that. That's why he's wandering

the depot like that.

You lecherous morons.

You see, Blakey, what happened was this was... Oh, yeah, well, what it was, he

took his trousers down to the clothing store and have them altered, didn't you?

Did I? Yeah, you did. Yes, I did. Yes, and you see, they was too short and I

made them lengthened.

Lengthened. See?

Well, ain't it for me marvellous, eh?

If you're so particular, why don't you go to Savile Row and have them fitted?

Well, I can't wait for you to get ready, mate. Listen, I'll run another group at

8, 6, 18. You'll let her go out early tomorrow morning, right? Yeah.

And get your trousers on, Butler. All right, then.

You don't half get yourself in a mess, don't you?

Mate, come on.

Let's get... It's just coats.

It is to do it. It's to do the trick. Give it a brush. Here, wait a minute.

It's coming off.

It's going a funny colour.

It's all going brown.

Why is it when I brush my coat it's going brown, then? Because you're not

brushing your coat, you're brushing the bench.

I think you must have left it on too long.

Yeah, I think you're right. Just have a look at the trousers.

Oh, blimey.

Oh,

well, it might have been worse.

What are you talking about?

You might have been wearing them.

24 quid, you make me pay?

I've got 24 quid. Well, there's only one thing you can do, mate. Go down to the

clothing store and hope they can fiddle you something.

Oh, go on, mate. You've got to wear something. Am I the morning?

Yeah, I suppose you're right, Jack.

You murder me, you know.

George! George, why?

Look, I'm sorry, Stan.

I'd like to help you, but I can't let you have anything without a chitty. It's

more than me job's worth.

Anyway, we haven't got a uniform here your size. You had the last one.

Well, I've had it then, haven't I?

Hey, George, can you do us a favour?

Can you patch this one up for us?

What? You must be joking. Don't be daft, mate. You can see that down here from

the dust cart.

Here. Can you get into a 40? A 40? I'll get into a 50. Anything you like. What

have you got?

Well, you can have old Ernie's.

Oh, thanks, mate. You retired yesterday.

Did you really?

Are you sure it was yesterday?

Go away.

Hi, Jack. Hi, mate. Hi, Blackie. Oh, morning, Butler.

Butler?

Is that your new uniform?

Yes, this is it, yeah.

It's unbelievable.

Well, I always knew you were the dirtiest, scruffiest driver in the old

mate, but I mean to say, you've only had that uniform for one day. It looks like

you've been wearing it for blooming years. Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, well,

see, you get too filthy on our buses.

But you haven't driven one of our buses in that uniform yet.

I know, but I come to work on one.

Which is disgusting.

I mean, it's filthy. It's absolutely filthy.

Yeah, well, you'd better give me another chitty then, wouldn't you? Eh?

What for?

So I can have it cleaned at the company's expense.