Original subtitles

On the Buses, number 4, part 1, production number 0756, date recorded

of the 7th, 1971, take 1.

Come on then, Stan. Let's go and see Blakey about this, too.

You tell the inspector I want a decent cabaret this year.

None of that rubbish we had last year, mate. Don't you worry, mate. We're going

to have a decent cabaret. I've got the photos here.

Yeah, let's see them. Don't worry, chalky boy. Be right to handle Blakey.

on, mate.

Just a minute, fellas.

Come in.

Oh, it's you two.

Now, what do you want?

We've come to see you about the boozer.

You mean the dinner dogs.

I wouldn't allow you to call it a booze -up. Booze -up? Blimey, most of the

fellas aren't so polite.

They call it a right -hold.

All right, all right, we know all about that. But I will not have a repetition

of the drunken brawl we had on the premises last year.

What are you talking about, drunken brawl? That was only a bit of fun. A bit

fun? Look at all the damage you've only just got cleared up now from last year.

Broken windows, broken glasses and chairs and tables. All right, all right,

Blakey, all right, Blakey.

All right, Blakey, we've got the message. I tell you what, we promise

good boys this year. Now, listen, the fellas wanted us to have a word with you

about the cabaret.

Yeah. Deborah?

Yeah. Well, we always have a conjurer, don't we?

Yeah. Well, this year the lads thought we ought to have a change.

Oh. Oh, did they?

Yes. We want you to book Sandra.

Who?

Sandra. We saw her at the Cosmo Club.

That's Sandra.

Is she a conjurer?

Well, not exactly, no. I mean, she hasn't got anything up her sleeve, but

she starts, things pop out from all over the place.

Are you suggesting I book a female stripper?

Well, look, that's the whole idea, mate. I mean, while they're looking at her,

the fellas won't be getting drunk and smashing the place up.

Exactly, he's right, you know, he's right. I mean, this is it, this is it.

Here's Sandra, the Scandinavian stripper. And I tell you something, a

only £10.

Is she stripped down of this?

No, no, no.

She strips down to this.

She's completely, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, but let's face it, only ten pounds.

It's disgusting.

Oh, no. If you want it disgusting, that's another fiver.

Well, they can forget about her because they're not having her. Listen, Blackie,

unless you agree to her, the lads will boycott the dance.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, don't try blackmailing me, mate, I tell you.

Come in.

Oh, Inspector.

I'm sorry to trouble you, but have you seen my wave bill anywhere?

Yes, I've got it here. Oh, it's OK. Here it is. Oh, no.

Oh, Inspector.

Oh, dear, one of those.

Fancy.

No, no, that's nothing to do with me.

Oh, no? Well, who is she, then? It's a new clippy who's been interviewing.

Yeah, he's stripped her off like that so he can measure her for a new uniform.

How dare you? Yeah, he took that photo of himself, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Watch it, watch it. Anyway, stripping you.

It's nothing to do with me. They brought that in here. Yeah, well, we know what

he likes. Go on, take it out.

Here, just you wait, so I tell the other girls about you.

I've just had a butt enough of you two bringing this filthy picture in here. Go

on, take it out of here. No, no, temper, temper.

Go on, get out. You're not having that woman, and that's that. I'm keeping that

dance respectable.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that. We'll take it up with the dance committee and

put it to the vote.

Yes, you do that, mate.

I happen to be the chairman of the dance committee.

Oh, are you? Yeah. Oh, well, in that case, here, you'd better give him that

just to show him what we're having. Don't take it out on him. Well, don't

about, mate. I'll give you the best bit. Go get out of here!

What's that one?

Oh, look at this.

And it is creepy. Have a look at that.

Oh, blimey, yeah.

I told you, we always have a good do.

Yeah.

Oh, there's Arthur, our gay thing.

Hello, love.

Hello, Arthur, love. Have a good day.

What are you so pleased about?

Dan's brought home the tickets for the busman's ball.

Oh. Thank you, Mark.

Yeah, I've got one of the old ladies here. I'm treating her.

And there's your one.

You and Olive. That's four quid you owe me.

Yes, well, I don't think we should be going.

Oh, Arthur.

Why not? You went last year. Exactly.

That's probably why we're not going this year.

But we had a lovely time.

Lovely time? What are you talking about?

A busman's brawl, it should be called.

Look, if I want to be pushed around and insulted by a lot of scruffy busmen,

mate, I can always get a Fortney bus right up the high street.

Look, mate, I don't mind you getting at me, but surely you can take her out once

a year.

Oh, yes, Arthur, we did enjoy ourselves last year. When Stan bought all the

tickets, Mum got out the photos they took last year. Look.

Oh, look at this.

This is me doing a knees up.

Do you remember?

I'm hardly likely to forget.

It was rather embarrassing.

Well, it's a good job we didn't take it a couple of minutes later.

Why's that?

That's when me elastic broke.

Here's one of us. Look.

I was trying to get Arthur to dance the tango. Oh, yeah.

And did you remember that? Oh, no, you've got to go. Look.

Look at that, you there.

I can see that mad, passionate look on your face.

I still think that rose in the mouth looks a bit stupid.

It was lovely.

Oh, look at this one. Here, this is when Stan borrowed all his glasses and

pretended he was a girl.

That one. Oh, good, yeah.

All right, would you remember?

In the ladies' excuse me... In the ladies' excuse me, I went up and asked

Charlotte for a dance.

Oh, goodness, you must have been sloshed to make you a fool of yourself like

that. I wasn't as sloshed as Charlie.

He tried to get me in the car park.

No, you've got to admit, it was a good do. And this year, a bit of the same.

No, I'm sorry, mate. I'm more convinced than ever.

You've wasted your four pounds. We're not going.

I think you're mean. I was so looking forward to it.

Now, see what you've done?

You're much better.

and she's gone off without finishing her tea.

Blimey, she must be upset.

I'd better go and get her back.

Olive!

Olive, love, come down.

Hello, Mr. B.

Oh, hello, love. Here, have a cup of tea. I'll toss one in the pot. Here, I'd

better go and get her down. Well, if she can't finish her food, she'll waste

away.

Here, mate, have I got some good news.

What? What?

We've beaten Blakey. The dance committee put it to the vote and he lost. We're

having Sandra.

Oh, we are?

Great, Sandra. I've been up to her agent. He sent some more photos. Look.

There you are. Look at that, mate.

Yeah,

I can't wait to see old Blakey's face when she comes on.

I'll tell you something, mate. When she comes on, I won't be looking at Blakey's

face.

What's all that, then? Oh, that's the stripper we're having for our booze out.

Look at that, mate. Not a stitch on, eh?

I must say, that's very nice.

She gets like that halfway through her act, then she starts doing her

contortions. My goodness.

What about that bit when she comes off the floor, jumps on your table and does

the splits on it?

You're going to get an eyeful of that, mate. Oh, you're going to enjoy that.

He won't. Why?

He ain't going.

You what?

Well, I have been thinking about that.

And, uh... Well, Olive does seem rather upset.

I... I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Her feelings?

Blimey, it's your feelings you're worried about.

Not at all. Not at all. No, I just think Olive deserves a treat. That's all.

Come on, now. Here you are. Here you are.

I'll hot all this up for you.

Uh, look here, Olive. Um, I have been thinking.

And you seem rather keen.

Uh... Perhaps we will be going to the busman's do after all. Oh, Arthur, thank

you. You are a darling.

Don't need to go raving mad.

I shall have to see about my dress. Hey, wait a minute. I didn't say anything

about buying a new dress.

Oh, no, don't worry. I can alter last year's. Oh, I'm glad you're going to the

ball, dear.

Oh, I always said there's nothing wrong with Arthur's heart.

No.

There's nothing wrong with his eyes, either.

Oh, clever boy. That's all it was.

Just needed adjusting, that's all.

Oh, never mind. I'll put the tools a while after I've had some tea. Oh, now

machine's going, I can put my dress on and then I can mark the hem where I want

it. I must get it ready in time for the ball.

Oh, I think I'd better just draw the curtains, love. It's not very nice for

anybody passing by outside.

Well, it's not exactly a treat for anybody in here.

Now then, put your little hands in. There you are. That's a good girl.

Now then. Whoops.

That's it. Now, can you mark the hem for me?

Oh, no, love. I can't bend down. Me back's playing me up a bit, love.

Here, Arthur, you give her a hand. I... I'm doing me pose, aren't I? Oh, well,

uh... Stan.

What? You give her. Oh, you're all right then, ma 'am.

All right, darling, I'll do it for you.

What do you want to do?

Well, you put a pin in the hem just two inches below my knee.

Yeah, all right.

No, can't you get up a bit higher?

It's awkward there. Well, stand on something. That'll do.

Get your feet off. Get your feet off.

You stand up there, darling. Right.

Now, let me see. Make sure it's just two inches below my knee. Two inches below

your knee.

Blimey, I can't find your knee!

Well, don't be stupid. It's me.

Well, I know it's there, but I can't see where it stops and where the leg

starts, that's all.

Oh, I can find a lump here. I've got it, yes. One minute. Now,

take those two out there for a start, and I know what I'm doing, right?

Two inches below the knee, right?

That's better.

I'll get that.

Two inches below the knee. I think that's about it there, lovey.

That's that one.

Now, two inches below the knee here.

That's funny.

Well, it's right there, and it's wrong there.

But what do you mean?

Well, you must have one kneecap higher than the other.

I'll tell you what I'll do, love. I'll split the difference and put it in the

middle. How's that? Will that suit you? All right.

Yeah, that looks about even to me. Right, I'll put it there then. OK.

Right. OK?

Yeah. Now you must put one in the back.

Well, Arthur can do that, because he's round that bit.

Arthur, it's your job. One minute, this one's coming up.

Arthur, here.

Arthur. Arthur, come on, help out, will you? All right, all right, all right,

all right. All right.

Two inches below my knee.

What are you talking about? You haven't got knees at the back?

Her knees go all the way round.

Oh, don't be so rude.

Oh, I was only joking. Don't be silly.

Look, look. Look, bend your knee up like that so that he can see the fold.

Oh, all right.

You stupid great love!

Sorry, Arthur.

It's worse than trying to shoe an horse.

the one in the front. What are you talking about? I can't see through

Come on, the material's too thick.

Hey, Arthur.

I've been thinking. We must be mad, mate.

We must be mad. I mean, it's easy, really. It's just like putting a line

wall, isn't it?

I've got just the thing for it. Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

It's the spirit level here, eh?

Is it level?

How do I know? I can't even see the little bubble.

Oh, Mum, they're mucking about.

I'll never get a job. Stop it. Stop it, the pair of you.

Never mind, love. We'll go over to Mrs. Allen's and get her dressmaker's dummy.

We can go in the morning. Then you can do it yourself.

Oh, yes, that's a good idea.

Ollie, cover it up.

Pull up, Dougie, pull up.

Come on, step aside, I'm coming to board. You ain't got six standing

in there.

Oh, that's a passenger.

What's he said? Come up as you got on, did he?

I shut the doors a bit too quick.

Come on, get out of here. Get it off.

Get it off. Come on, who's this?

It's a... Yes, Inspector.

I might have known it was all that.

Now, come on, Mrs Butler, I'm not having that on there. That's occupying the

space of a fair -paying passenger.

All right, I'll give it a ticket.

Yeah, Jack, I'll pay for it.

Now, don't be ridiculous. That ticket's not valid.

Now, get it off.

Oh, all right, Mum.

Take the coat off. All right, old love.

This way, Jack. All right.

Look out.

Give that to Olive.

She can put that on her lap.

Right, is that all right now?

Well, I suppose it must be all right, seeing as how you've paid a ticket for

Oh, that reminds me. Jack, get back my fare.

What?

Well, babes, you know I'm travel -free, don't I?

Get that cab, go on. Get that cab! Get that bus out!

Oh, Mum, this dummy's no good. My dress won't hang right on it. I'll never get

it right like this. We love it because the dummy's too small.

It wants padding out a bit.

Here, boys, go on. Give her a hand, love.

Look, I've got all this ironing to do.

Oh, God, I think we're a bit of a piece, honey. Can't even read a paper here.

All right, Ollie, take it off. Take it off, love.

Well, that's ridiculous for a start, isn't it?

Doesn't look anything like you.

That brownie's padding out.

Yeah, you're right, Arthur. Yeah. Mum, kiss Anki.

Yeah, love.

What are you talking about?

Give him a tea towel.

Hey.

Here.

All right, hon.

All right.

All right, how's that then?

That's all lopsided.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not lopsided.

No. Well, we ain't finished yet, have we?

Here's another tea towel, Mum.

Here you are, love.

Right, now measure that up. All right.

Hold it.

Yeah, hold it.

Well, that's still two inches less than me.

Yeah, well, that's because the dummy's narrower than you, isn't it?

You know, you're wide like that and like that.

I'll show you what to do. Give us another towel, Mum. Give us a towel. You

all right, love. There you are. This will do.

Now, fold it like that.

Stuff that down the back like that.

Now. Right, now, measure that there at all.

There.

Yes, that's right.

There. See? Simple. Just like that, right?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, mate. What?

Well, that's the top half done.

Now you've come to the difficult bit. What's that?

The hips, mate. They need padding out, don't they?

How can we pad them out, stupid? There's nothing there to pad out. Look at this.

There you are.

Oh. Here, Ma.

Have you got one of Ollie's girdles there?

Eh? You can put that on, mate, and then stuff stuff into there, can't you? Great

idea. Here, I love it. There you are. Great idea, that. Great idea. Great

mate.

Don't put it on like that.

Why not?

Because you don't. You put it on like this.

And you get into that?

It must be a bit of a struggle.

Let's have a go then.

This is ridiculous, isn't it?

This has got three legs, she's only got two.

Here, show a bit of common, mate.

That thing comes apart, doesn't it?

Don't sit there on your... Just give us a hand.

I'll show you how to do it. Murder.

Come here, then.

It comes off like that, mate. Right, now shove it in there.

Shove it in. Wait a minute.

Mind that peg thing.

Get it on the back first.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

How did she get this thing on?

Well, when she puts it on, that bit usually moves up.

What happens to it?

It's an honourable sight, mate.

It stays in the middle there and wobbles about.

Well, you're not exactly pretty when you're standing on one leg trying to get

into your Y front.

Ollie, that's not nice.

You're darn right it's not. Come on. Come on. That it.

Look, I'll tell you... Look, I'll tell you what my half does. Push down and you

pull up. All right, OK, right. One, two, feet down. Down, down, down. Go on, go

on, down.

Go on. No, no.

Stop, stop it. What's the matter?

and you've got to peg down me trousers.

Here.

You hold it. It's all right. You, you. You.

I'll tell you.

I'll put it up. Right.

Right. Put it.

Right now.

Ready? One, two, three.

Hop. One, two, three. Put it in.

Blimey, my chin's under there. Get it out of the way then. Wait a minute. Come

on. Hop. Right.

Hop.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Put it up there.

I've got to get this side up. Right.

Lovely.

That's it.

Lovely.

It's just charming, isn't it?

Lovely. I've got my hand down there.

Oh!

God. I've got a splinter in my finger now for that.

Well, that'll teach you to be more careful where you put your hand.

Right then. There it is. Right. To you, mate.

I'll put it in nice and neat.

Right, there we go.

Right.

There we are.

Wait a minute.

There we are.

Get it up. Nice.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

There we are.

That looks more like Olive.

Measure it. Measure it. Hold it.

Right.

41. Will that be all right?

Yeah. Yes, that looks like you.

I said it looks like you.

You're not exactly Tom Jones, are you?

Oh, don't be joking, you silly thing.

Dabby daft. Look, you fit your dress on there, darling, you'll be the belle of

the ball.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Up the stairs here.

Special ladies cloakroom on the right.

Hello, Blakney.

I bet she won't be leaving anything in the ladies' clag room.

I still think we should have had the conjurer.

Hello. Here comes Stanley's mob.

Hi, everyone. Hi, Jack.

Hello to me.

How's that?

Cool. Blimey, Olive, that's a bit of a dress you got yourself squeezed into.

Do you like it? I made it myself.

I'd never have guessed.

Good evening, Mrs. Butler.

Hello. Up the stairs here.

Ladies' courtroom on the right. Oh, yes.

Have you got the tickets? Yes. Oh, thanks very much. Come on, love.

Hey, Harper, mate.

What do you think of that, eh?

Worth two quid of your money.

Very nice, I must say.

I'll tell you something else.

We've got a table right in the front.

Yes, Sam.

I'll tell you something you don't know. What's that? Look, when she takes off

the last bit, she chucks it to the lad in the audience, see? Now, the bloke who

gets it can go round the back afterwards and give it back to her.

Isn't that right?

That's a bit saucy, I must say.

Harper, come along.

If you'll excuse me.

Yeah.

Poor old Harper.

Oh, never mind.

Well, Blaggy, you've got to admit, she's a bit of all right, ain't she, eh?

Disgusting.

Well, I certainly shan't state to watch her performance, I tell you.

That photo's obscene. I'd stick two labels across to her.

Yeah, well...

Everyone's seen them now, so we might as well take them off. You leave them

alone.

Oh, my God!

Blimey, it wasn't as bad as all that.

Oh, take me home.

Oh, my God, what's happened?

Oh, it was that terrible stripper girl.

Didn't you see it? No, I left the room as soon as she started her... She didn't

attack your daughter, did she?

No, no, it wasn't Sandra, it was the lads.

Eh? Well, you see what happened, Blake. You see, when she took the panties off

and chucked them up in the air, they landed in Olive's lap.

Oh, it was terrible.

All those men came rushing at me.

Yes. Well, I did warn you about those hooligans, didn't I?

I mean, the table was upset.

Drinks spilled all over my wife's rather expensive dress. Oh, yes.

Oh, it was ten of the boys went mad grabbing that woman's panties. Yeah. And

they nearly grabbed Olive's up and all.

I'll take you home now, sunshine.

Come on, mother -in -law. I did warn you. I did warn you.

What a terrible thing to happen to her.

Terrible? Of course. I mean, she's had her money's worth. I bet she never gets

40 blokes grabbing her again.

Oh, well, come on. I've got to go back inside now.

You're not going back in there after what's happened to your own sister, are

you? Well, you see what happened, Blakey? When they was fighting over

got the lucky drawers, you see.

Stuff does fit in.