Original subtitles

0758, recording date 11871, take 1.

Which way are you at?

No, I've got a couple of minutes to go, mate.

Here, look at Planky.

What's he doing back here?

I don't know.

Here.

I thought you was going away for the weekend.

I am.

I've just come in to check on you two, mate.

I'm going off to Brighton for three days.

We're catching the 2 .30.

We? Oh, blimey, he's going on a dirty weekend.

Congratulations, mate. You made it at last.

Hey, is it one of the clippers?

How dare you?

I'm taking me old mother.

Your mother? What, the Brighton?

Booking two single rooms.

Yeah, we've all done that, mate. I always book two single rooms and say

sister. Yeah, yeah. You'll never get away with it pretending it's your

Oh, I don't know, though, Jack. I mean, any bird that'll go away with him must

look like his mother.

Letters lay about you.

Is that all you can think about?

Yeah. Oh, blimey.

I'm taking me old mum for the rest and then I'm going to get a bit of fishing

in. Fishing? Oh, blimey, what a drag.

You wouldn't appreciate the...

Pleasures of it, man.

What do you know about the thrill of having a bite?

What are you talking about?

I took Randy Reiter out last night. Look what she did to me, mate.

I'm wasting my time talking to you, so I take my fishing seriously. I do. I've

won prizes for it. Go on, I'll bet.

I have, you know. Here.

Here, hold that a minute.

What's this here?

That's me worms.

I dug them up special, I did. It took me two days to do that. Yeah.

That's the secret of it, mate. Here, look at that. That's me at Folkestone

holding the cat. See that?

God blimey, Jack, he's caught a kipper.

Kipper, that's a soul.

Eh? A soul.

How can it be a soul? It's all yellow.

That's because it's faded. He's been in me wallet for three years.

Oh, hold on a minute.

Hello, Inspector Blake here.

Oh. Oh, hello, Mum.

Yes, dear.

Oh, no.

Oh. Oh, no.

Have you tried anyone else?

Oh, God.

Oh, never mind, Mum. Oh, it can't be. Oh, no.

Oh, bear up, dear.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

What's up?

There's a neighbour been taken ill. Now we can't go. Why not?

Well, she was going to look after me mum's little dog, you see. Well, she

leave it, can she?

They won't have it in the guest house, and she's tied all over it. Oh, God, I

don't know.

Oh, well.

Now I suppose I'll have to stay on duty.

Well, get that buff out, then! Come on!

Don't shout at us. It's not our fault.

Oh, look at that.

I dug them up special, I did. Took me three days, didn't it? Oh, I don't know.

Wasted, now.

What are you talking about, wasted? All you've got to do is dig some more little

holes and put them all back in again.

Get up!

Get up!

Blimey. That's worse than I thought it is.

You stupid idiot. Why didn't you stop when it happened?

What, and get the number taken? He must be an idiot.

God, blimey, that's the fifth time you've hit that bollard. He's a bus,

not a dodgem car.

It's all right for you, mate. You can't drive it, do you? It's very tight round

that island. Oh, don't give me that. You was looking at that bird with the see

-through bra.

Oh, so I was.

All right, well, I hope you had a good look, cos now you've got a bus with a

-through side.

How felt, huh?

Hello.

What have you been doing? Stock car racing?

Blimey, don't you start.

Is that blasted bollard in the high street again? Oh, not that one again.

proper menace, that is. Listen, you wait till Blakey sees that. He'll go mad.

You're telling me, aren't you? And he's lost his weekend.

I'll probably get suspended.

Suspended, mate? You'll get sacked.

Will I?

It's a pity he didn't go.

You know, I'm in charge when he goes off.

Well, now, if he had, I could have been looking the other way whilst the boys in

maintenance fixed that up for you.

Blakey need never an hour.

Would you do that? Of course I would. You'd square it for us, hadn't you?

Right, simple. All you've got to do is go to Blakey, say you'll look after his

little dog, he'll go away on holiday, and Addie can square the bus.

Right. What a smashing idea.

Now, wait a minute. He's saying go to 2 .30.

It's not quite 12 yet.

It's worth a try, isn't it? He's in his office. Yeah, come on, ship this note.

Right, OK. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.

OK.

Come in.

Oh, er, hello, Blakey.

Oh, future. Just wondering, er, have you found anybody to look after your little

dog? Nah, of course not.

Oh, haven't you? Right, er, I'll tell you what, I'll, er, I'll look after it

you.

You?

Yeah, well, you know, me and Jack, we're always, er, you deserve a break, right,

Jack? Oh, yes, you do, yes, yeah.

You look after my mum's little dog?

Where's the catch?

LAUGHTER

No, there's no catches there, Jack. Honestly, believe me, Blakey, I'll look

after it for you.

I don't know what to say.

Tell you the truth, I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

I do.

Shut up.

I'm quite overcome.

Yeah. Well, uh, Blackie, you haven't got much time, you know. Got to catch that

train. You've got to take that little dog around the stands.

I'll tell you what, now.

I'll be off duty by then, you see.

And so you can bring your dog straight round to me as you're on your way to the

station. Oh, hang about.

I'll hand the movements over to Harry, and I'll come and check your bus. That's

the idea, yeah.

No! No!

No, don't worry about the bus. No, we'll, uh, we'll see the bus.

Yeah, that's it. Otherwise, you're going to miss your train, see? I'm going to

miss my train back. There you go.

Isn't it marvellous, eh?

After all these years, to receive a bit of kindness.

Yeah.

I always say, it's always there if you're scratched deep enough.

Yeah, well, in his case, he's a bit deeper than a scratch.

Get off, bring your little dog around to me and don't worry, right? Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how to thank you for this, but, you know...

My old mum will be quite overcome, will I tell her? Yeah, I bet she will. Get on

with your old mum, then. There you go.

Have a nice time, Blake. Thank you, boys.

Hang a bat.

Hang a bat.

What, what?

In the excitement, I forgot me worms.

I'll miss without your worms, mate, can you?

No,

no! No, no, go round the back way.

I still don't see why I should have my weekend ruined by some

snivelling dog just because you drive your bus into a bollard.

Oh, why don't you dry up?

You're a menace on the road, mate.

Oh, no, he's not.

It was only a little accident.

What are you talking about?

That might have been me standing there instead of the bollard.

I wish it had have been you. I wouldn't have had such a big dent in the side of

me bus.

What time's the inspector? to bringing the dog round?

Well, any minute now. He's on his way to the station.

Oh, here. He's bound to come in.

Look at the state of the place. Oh, come on, Olive. You're supposed to be

helping me put away these dirties.

She's still putting away her lunch.

Right, nearly two o 'clock. Time for me football.

That's him. That's Blakey. That's him. That's him. That's him. Yeah, right. Oh,

wait a minute. Here.

Well, put your shoes on again.

What are you talking about? I'm watching the football. I'm playing it. Yes.

He looks so slovenly.

I'm going to turn this thing off. What do you think you're doing? Will is so

rude when people come calling.

Look, I'm a little... tired of this Inspector and his stinking dog already.

Inspector Blake is here.

Hello, Inspector.

We were just saying, how nice it would be to look after your little dog. Well,

it was very nice of you to offer, Mrs Butler, I must say.

Now, Butler, you will take care of my little Mitzi, won't you? Oh, don't worry

about that, Inspector. We'll look after her for you because, especially our

Olive. She loves little doggies, don't you, Olive? Look at that.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take it for walks.

Butler, Butler.

Now, that's a very valuable pedigree dog.

Yeah, yeah.

We're hoping to breed puppies off it, you see. If you do take it out, you've

to be very careful, you know. You must take it on a leash, you see, because

a gold dog, you see. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You don't want any, you know.

What you mean is you don't want it carrying on like one of our clippers.

Sam!

I wouldn't have exactly said that myself, Mrs Butler, but that's, you've

point. Hello?

Come in here, will you? Yes, it's my driver, taxi driver.

Come in here, please.

Where do I put this thing? Put it on the table, please. Just a minute, just a

minute.

What's this then?

It's me aquarium.

Aquarium? Yeah, me mum's tropical fish.

What?

Yeah. You see, I knew you wouldn't mind having a Mrs Butler as you was having

the dog as well, like, you know, and, you know, it's all right, isn't it?

Because me mum worries so much, you see.

I should shut the door, mate, in case he brings in his mother's pet monkey.

You're too late, mate. He's already here.

Right, if you're all excused, may I switch on the football?

Now, look, Buckley, about these fish, look, they've got to be kept at a

temperature. You do understand that, don't you? That's why I put the blanket

round them and wrap them up and keep them warm, you see.

If the power should go off at all while they were alone in the house, they could

all die, you understand?

They're lovely.

Yes, and they're very valuable, Mrs Buckley. They're priceless.

Oh, I know.

I mean, the price... Massifish today's disgust.

Can we plug it in right away? Of course.

I'll put it in this plug over here, you see.

Get out of the way.

Kitchener.

What do you think you're doing?

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

You'd better hurry up if you want to catch that train, Gardner. All right,

thanks very much. Hey, listen, Butler, I've left a list of instructions here

just in case, understand?

Look, here's the food and the tablets in here. Now, be very careful, won't you?

Thank you, Brady. Oh,

thank you very much, Butler. I don't know how to tell you this, but, you

It's marvellous for me, you know.

I'll be there on the end of that pier, there, hour after hour after hour, not a

single bus in sight.

No need to go that far. Just take at one of your requests, stop on the high

street, mate.

I shall be off then. Bye -bye. Have a lovely weekend.

Right, I'm going to plug that television in now. Don't you dare!

What are you talking about?

If the heat goes off and those fishes die, my life won't be worth living.

Look, mate, there's one socket in this room. I want to watch my football. What?

It's old luck, mate, isn't it? You can't watch the football.

You can't watch the fishes instead.

Yes. Ah, look.

Oh, Arthur, it's great, really. I'm not joking.

This is better than watching football.

Here's some here. They've got pyjamas on.

Now, come and have a look, Arthur. I do not wish to come and have a look.

Oh, be quiet. You've got the dog there.

Oh, charming. This is going to be a marvellous weekend, isn't it?

get the classified results and he's been gone three hours.

If I know him, he's down the boozer.

Where's the dog?

He's out with Arthur.

Don't tell me he's roaming the streets.

Oh, no, love, it's all right.

She's on a lead.

Well, if anything happens to him, I'll kill Arthur.

By the way, what's wrong with the fish? What's wrong with the fish? Nothing,

nothing. Only the inspiration...

and say we should put one of these tablets in when necessary.

Do you think we should?

Let's have a look.

To clear the fish's water of impurities and keep it crystal clear, place one

tablet in it every other day. Let's have a look.

Yeah, it's a bit murky, isn't it? Yeah. All right, Ollie, put one in there.

And there's Arthur.

Hello?

My goodness, what a terrible night.

We both got very wet, didn't we, my dear?

I hope it's something worth taking off a bun.

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit dilly.

Not you, the dog.

We're not the dog to get pneumonia, do we?

Oh, just a matter about me, then. No. I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, sunshine. Take a little doggy.

Here, kiss, kiss.

Oh.

Oh, blimey, he has been drinking.

Oh, yes.

I have had one half pint.

Pint? You can't make half a pint last three hours.

He can when it's his round to come round.

As there was no television available in this house, I've been down to the Red

Lion to watch it. Oh, have you?

Wait a minute.

The Red Lion?

They don't allow dogs in the Red Lion. He was quite safe. He's been in the

haven't you, darling? What?

He was very happy. He was playing with the pub dog.

It's sex mad, mate.

It's had more buckets of cold water chucked over it than you've had hot

Well, never mind.

Little Mitzi didn't seem very worried. She looks very content, don't you?

That's what I'm worried about.

What's wrong?

What do you mean, what's wrong? What about in a couple of months' time when

Mitzi here presents Blakey with a litter of black and white duck sounds?

So what?

It's a pedigree dog. It's supposed to have pedigree pups, not a lot of spotted

dicks.

Of course, if I know that dog.

Oh, and I was worried in case she caught a cow.

I won't be letting her carry on like that.

Thanks to you, I'll be worried for the next few months.

Well, now you know how them clippy's mothers feel when you take them out.

Everybody!

Ah! Oh,

lovey, I'm all shivery.

Come on, love, I'll get you dinner for you.

Ah!

Oh, love, you'd better have an aspirin.

Thank you, my darling. I'll go and get a glass of water.

The poor little Mitzi. She's all cold and wet.

Don't you worry about your poor little Mitzi. You worry about your poor little

lovey.

I took the one you very kindly left out on the plate, sunshine.

Pardon? Hi.

You've taken a tablet that should have been meant for the fishies more.

Look, it's not don't harm the fish. It's not likely to harm you, is it? What's

going to happen to me? Stop worrying, Arthur. Don't worry.

Look, we've got plenty of tablets here for the fishes.

I'm not worried about the fishes. I'm worried about me.

Dear love, it may be poisonous to humans.

It's not. It says here it's not poisonous to humans.

Mind you, I don't know if that includes him.

Look, will you shut up? This isn't funny. Oh, don't carry on, mate.

happened to need my water purified.

Well, I've luck. It's a pity you didn't keep that dog pure. Oh, well, come on,

love. Eat up your supper and that'll split your stomach. Oh, Johnny will hope

so.

As you've taken that tablet, Olive, you'd better put another one in the

water then. Oh, all right. And mind that wire.

What wire?

You stupid great dick!

Well, you pulled the wire out. That's the one that keeps the water off the

fish's... Oh, won't it? Won't it? I've got to get... Look at it!

I'll have to get this thing out so I can plug it back in again.

I can't, it's rusted, it's rusted.

Give us that knife, give us that knife, give us that knife.

Blimey.

What's the matter there? I've cracked the glass.

What are you talking about? I can't see any crack. No, it's cracked here. I

mean, when it fits into the metal there, you idiot.

Oh, the water's coming out, look.

Oh, the water, the water, the fish's water.

Come on, now.

Get out of here, get out of here. Here you are.

Now then, I'll put the... Get along, get some warm water. Keep it at the right

temperature. Yeah, you're all right.

God, blimey, I can't get them out with a spoon. They keep slipping off.

Here, I'll tell you what. Try spearing them with me fork.

By the care, by the care. Here,

I shouldn't let Olive do that, you know. She likes sardines. She'll probably eat

one of them.

I've got the chip pan here.

I'll try and get them out with this.

Here we are.

I've got some here, that's it. Mum?

Oh,

I've got a lovely load here.

Here, here, here, stay, stay.

Leave them in there, get Mum to fry them up for your supper.

Your sense of humour is rapidly losing its magic from me, mate.

Here's another one, hold it there. I've got a lot there, see if you can get some

out, Ollie. Here you are, love. Look, here, the water's warm now, this will

them at the right temperature. Ah, that's the idea, that's the idea.

I've got one, I've got one! Quick, Ollie, stop!

and water it and die.

Yeah, well, I'll make sure it gets something.

Careful, careful.

Isn't that marvellous?

One thing after another, now you've ruined my supper. Oh, stop moaning. The

is all right, anyway.

Oh, yeah, all right. Never mind, mate. I'm sorry about that. Here, I'll have

some of your dinner back.

I'm going to get the rest of the fish. Come out of it.

All right.

Here, you little darlings. Come on, here we go.

Now, Jack, they've done it.

Hey, they've just finished fixing the bus I bashed, and now I do this.

Yeah, well, you're just about in time. It's gone now, and Blakey will be back

any minute.

Yeah, certainly. Anyway, I'll tell you what, they made a good job in the

maintenance of this. Yeah. They won't break down in a hurry.

Why not? Let her carve up one of our wood screens to do it.

Blimey, mate, they'll never get away with that. Yeah, they're going to blame

on the hooligans on a Saturday night. Oh, how crafty. Here, have you got the

warm water? Yeah, here we are. Get it down with it. Tick that in.

Lovely.

That's a good job.

There we go.

Got the fish?

Yeah, what with it?

Get all that in there.

Go on, I'll put it in there.

What's up with me, mate? Oh, they're lovely and cozy in here.

Lovely and warm. There we are.

Oh, lovely.

Yes, lovely.

No, not that one, you boot. That's me cocoa.

Oh, look at that. Yeah, smashing.

Look at that.

Yeah, look at that. Oh, lovely.

Heads up. Here comes a complete angler. Oh, hello, Blakey. Did you have a nice

weekend? Oh, lovely very much, thanks. Except for you didn't have to bring me

tanking and butter. I could have called round the collector, you know.

Oh, it's all right. We didn't want to put you to the trouble, see.

Oh, they look nice and frisky, don't they, eh? Yeah.

Here.

You've changed the water and all, look. Oh, you didn't have to do all that, boy.

Ah, it's no trouble, you know. We like to do things properly.

You've cleaned the glass and all, look.

It looks brand new.

You didn't have to go to all that trouble, you know. Well, it's no

Isn't it amazing, eh?

We never really know anyone, do we?

I had you all wrong, you know, that butler.

Yeah. Oh, I forgot.

Hey, darling. Oh. Your little mixing. Mixing. Ah, there she is. Oh, look. Oh,

lovely little girl.

Oh, you look well, don't you? You've had a good time, have you?

Yeah, here.

I hope she didn't make any mistakes in your house, Ed. No, no, not in the

I'll tell you what, though, Butler.

You've been overfeeding her a bit, haven't you, eh?

Her tummy's fatter.

A couple of months' time she'll be a lot fatter.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for this, Butler, you know that? Oh.

I've brought something back for you.

Oh, thanks, Blakey. Yes, I had a little nibble while I was at Brighton.

And I've brought the best one for you. Oh, lovely. Thanks very much.

Well, it's...

I know it's small, but you'll find it very tasty.

Yes, thank you, yes. Yes.

I'm afraid it wasn't a very good weekend for fish.

I appreciate how you feel.

Yeah, well, come on, mate, let's have a cuppa. Yeah, it's all right then. Well,

thanks again, Blagie, and I'll look after you pets another time.

Oh, yeah, when will that be? Next time I'll bash the bollard in your ice drink.