Original subtitles

Oi, Jack.

All right.

It's great, huh? Taking the train and bus out, eh?

No, no.

Look what we've got a train.

Oh, what a lovely pair of dollies, eh?

Hello, darling.

Just make round the corner. I'll be with you in a minute. All right, fellas.

Stand by the bus. Be with you in a minute. Right.

Ah, be a treat, me driving inside.

Ah, I'm much more relaxed, you know, when I'm not driving. Yeah, so am I.

Shut up.

Heads up.

Here's Frankenstein.

Oh, blimey, they're dressed even and ugly. They screwed his head on crooked.

Oi, mate, Brady.

Looks as though we're going to have some rain, mate.

What makes you say that, then? Your moustache is a bit damp.

It's more like a donkey's tail, isn't it? Every time it droops, we know we're

for a hard time.

You couldn't grow one, mate. Oh, why not?

Because if you're chopped, it'll look like weeds growing around a tombstone.

Anyway, what are you hanging about here for? You ought to be on that number 11

right to the cemetery gates.

What, you heard?

We're taking the training bus out. Here are the instructions, yeah?

You too?

Yeah.

Management must have gone round the bend. The union states that every cruise

will have a turn on the training bus.

That's right.

And we've got to train them all we know.

Yeah, but that'll take about two minutes, won't it? What are you going to

rest of the day?

Anyway, let's have this. Who have we got here?

Albert Harrison.

That's me, Inspector.

Alfred Pearson.

Yes, Inspector.

Janet Mould. Yeah, that's me, Inspector.

Ah, I want you to pay particular attention to this young lady. She's been

training all the week and she's passing her final test tomorrow morning.

Well, if I know him, she'll be passing her final test tonight.

Tonight? What are you talking about? We've got a 20 -minute tea break.

Can't you think of anything else?

No.

Anyway, it's a waste of time training these girls. They don't stay at the job

long enough to warrant it. This depo's got the biggest turnover of clippers in

the group. Yeah, well, that's probably because ours turn over more often than

the others.

It's a mistake having women, you know. They're always leaving to get married

have babies.

Yeah, but not in their order.

Yeah.

That's because their basic training ain't basic enough, is it?

Shut up, will you?

Betty Jones.

Yes, Inspector?

Oh, you started this morning, didn't you, love? Yes, Inspector.

Everything all right, is it?

Oh, yes, Inspector.

The only thing is, this jacket they've given me is too tight. I can't button it

up. Yeah, well, you don't have to have it on the first day, darling.

If you don't have to, you can take it off. Yeah, she can manage.

No, I'm just showing the new fellas out to negotiate dangerous curves, you see

what I mean?

Get that jacket back or we're going to go on the bus. Come on, get out. Okay,

but you can take her out first, mate.

Hang about.

I shall need a complete report on the journeys and a complete report on the

schedule. Yeah, okay, right.

They'll take you around the circular route. It'll be easier around here.

What are you talking about, be easier?

We've come across some very nasty natural hazards on that route.

What is it?

Well, tall things with black macs and moustaches.

Don't you like that?

I want you to go down Clarence Road. Yes. Right.

Hazel Avenue.

Yep. And Burden Road. Got it? Right. And don't forget, stop off at number three.

Why, is that a fair thing?

No, it's where I live. I want to drop the shopping off.

I've been checking out the two birds. They're coming out with us tonight.

Are they?

Yeah, well, I told them they've got to continue their training, you see.

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, all the clippers have got to learn how to deal with tricky

customers, haven't they?

Oh, well.

Well, I mean, they don't come any trickier than us, do they?

OK,

take it away, Bert.

Yeah, well, that wasn't a bad evening, then, was it? Oh, great, mate. Do you

know what? I reckon if we work our cards right, we'll be all right, don't you

know, Jack? Yeah, we've got those birds on the bus all day tomorrow.

Anyway, I've got time, mate.

Look at time. Not surprised it's gone 12 o 'clock, you know.

I'm ready for bed.

Yeah, that's what I've been saying all night, but you didn't want to know.

Better luck tomorrow, mate. Yeah, tell her.

Yeah, tell her, mate.

Hey, Jack, just a minute. Before we go, come here. What?

Listen

to

that. What's that?

Oliver and Harper's bed.

I'm not joking, mate. That's what I get all night. Squeak, squeak, squeak. All

night long.

Are you still awake?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, shut up that audible noise and let one of us get to sleep.

Oh, Arthur, I can't help it. It's the bed. Every time it moves, I move and

squeak. Well, I never make it squeak. You don't have to tell me that.

They don't row, eh?

It's their bed, full of the bits.

Oh, I wouldn't have thought that Arthur and Ollie... No, they don't, no, they

don't, no.

It's been like ever since I've had it, and it's getting worse, getting worse,

yeah. That's what I have to put up with, though. Ah, well, good luck, mate.

Yeah, hello, mate. See you.

Oh, that blasted bed.

Will you shut up that audible noise?

Oh, Arthur, I can't help it. I only have to move a little and it squeaks. You

never move yourself all day. Don't you get the bed you wriggle around on?

What's going on now?

you know. What's happened, you never thought of her, darling?

I don't know, Mum.

Olive! Are you all right?

Oh, come in, Mum.

I've got the crown.

Oh, my poor baby. I know just how you feel. I used to get the crap there when

was expecting Olive.

Did the old man rub your leg like that then?

Of course not.

God blimey, she was expecting Olive. He couldn't get anywhere near, could he?

You see, when she stops moving, the blood can't get from her heart to her

I'm not surprised.

Blimey, look at the size of her stomach. It can't get through there, can it?

Don't be so rude.

You ought to sleep standing up.

Oh, don't be daft. Only horses can do that.

Sounds pretty suitable.

Oh, shut up.

Leave it. It was his fault he told me to stop wriggling about.

Did he really?

Yes. Then what's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, Blimey, she only has to flick her arm. and the bed squeaks, look

at it, look.

I cannot afford a new bed, not at present day prices.

Well, if you can't afford a new one, well, blimey, you can repair this one,

can't you? It's the brackets, mate, that's what it is. Look, look, I'll show

you. Blimey, they're all loose.

Those brackets are too old to be tightened.

All right, I'll go and get a spanner and tighten them myself now. Get me that

thing back and I'll tighten it. I think

I'll get another turn on that one.

It's the last one.

Yeah, well, I'm here to tell you, mate, those brackets are cast hard and not

meant to be tightened to that extent.

And I'm here to tell you, mate, that won't squeak. That's as solid as a rock.

All right, all right.

You wait till it's got some weight on it. You just watch. Go on, then.

Oh, and it's solid, eh? Yeah, well, there's only one of us in it, isn't

Listen, mate, that better take a five -ton weight.

We'll be right back.

that stays on the sofa.

Father!

Oh, Mum, I don't want to sleep on my own. Never mind, love. We've sorted it

out in the morning. Now you have a nice and disturbed night's sleep.

She never has anything else.

Well, good night, love.

Morning, Mum.

Hello, love. Morning, love.

Here's your breakfast. Now, come on, eat it all up. There's a good boy.

anybody seen him yet? No.

Oh, poor boy. Must have had a terrible night sleeping on that sofa without

Holly. Morning, all.

Morning, Mother -in -law. I can't remember when I've had a better night's

Oh, well, you're lucky because I didn't sleep at all.

No, and neither did I.

You woke me up every time you turned over.

Oh, well, it can't have been the bed squeaking because I slept on the floor.

No, it wasn't. It was the floorboards creaking.

creak they went. Oh, no, it wasn't.

That was Olive creeping down the stairs.

Oh. What was the big clunk at the bottom then?

Me, bolt in the door.

I think it was horrible.

Well, there wasn't room for both of us on the sofa, was there, sunshine?

Olive came in and slept with me.

Ah, it was lovely having my little baby again, just like old times.

She always used to come into my bed when she was little and afraid of the

bogeyman.

If you're married to him, I'm surprised you don't sleep with him every night.

Oh, that is funny.

What do you intend doing about our bed, may I ask?

It was perfectly all right until you tampered with it.

Now the fact remains we have nowhere to sleep.

Well, I do think it's time you bought a new bed, Arthur.

We have been married nine years.

Yeah, well, now you mention it, I was thinking about that during the night.

Oh, were you, love?

Yeah, and I've come to the conclusion of what we need are two single beds.

Single beds?

We'd never fit two beds in our bedroom.

He didn't say both beds were going to be in the same room.

Oh, that's not right, Arthur. I mean, Dad and me had a double bed for 29

We never wanted no single bed.

Any case, in them days, it was too cold to walk across the line.

Single beds are more hygienic. Oh, all this modern, fangled rubbish.

Just think, if Dad and me had had single beds...

My little Olive might never have been born.

Blimey, some people have made much difference to you, do they? Eh?

Well, two kids, 29 years.

Blimey, one of our clippers did better than that in the phone box. Oh.

Yeah.

Arthur, look, Bright Stores have got a sale on next week, a bed week.

Eh?

Well.

Yeah, well, on consideration, I think a double bed might be better.

Oh, love, it would be cosier. It's 52 bob cheaper.

You never say anything nice, do you? Well, the President prices out there if

can afford a double bed. Well, look here, she's not sleeping on the floor

night. I do not want his eyes open anyway.

Every morning... Hello, Jack. Hello.

Come on, Stan, we're going to be on that learner's bus by nine.

Yeah, I'm just finished knocking this breakfast away with me. Morning, Olive.

What's the matter with you? You're not your usual charming, bright, witty self

this morning?

Leave me alone. I'm worn out. I've spent half the night on the floor.

Go on.

Congratulations, mate. There must have been more to the married life than I

thought.

Do you mind?

Thanks to your friend here, our bed broke down last night. I'm now faced

bill for £30.

£30? That's ridiculous, mate. I know where you can get one for half that

Hey? Yeah, it's practically brand new.

Oh, Olive, do you hear that?

It's my auntie May's.

Oh, well, I just might be interested. Where does this Aunty May of yours live?

Oh, she's got a flat over at Leeside Column, the other side of town. Oh,

tell me. It'd cost me a fortune to get it over here, wouldn't it? I'd have to

order a van. If you want it, Arthur, mate, I can soon fix that. It's a real

bargain, you know.

Oh, well, if it's that a bargain, what's your Aunty May want to get rid of it

for? Ah, well, me uncle snuffed it a couple of weeks ago. He died in that

bed, as a matter of fact.

Oh,

Arthur, I don't think I'd like to sleep in a bed in which someone's passed away.

Well, sleeping for nine years, I should think you'd be used to it.

OK,

girls. I'll give you a hand.

That's it.

All right.

That's a lot. Up this bit, Jack. That's it.

Lovely, mate. Go on, up this.

OK, Bert. I want to see how well you can negotiate a difficult route, OK?

Get cracking. No stopping. We're full up.

All

right,

Bert.

What have you stopped here for? We don't want to pick anybody up. The oil

warning light's gone on.

We'll rev the engine up. It'll soon go out.

What's that?

Sounds like a big end's gone.

Something must have run dry of oil.

Damn, we can't have done. I checked it this morning. We couldn't have got

through ten quarks of oil.

Ah, we haven't got through it.

The engine's chuckled out. It's all down here, look.

God, blimey. Well, you're the expert. Can you fix it?

Oh, of course I can't.

No, I'll, uh...

I'll get on to the depot, get the breakdown boys out, and they'll fix it,

then we can get on the road. Yeah, all right, then you do that. Yeah.

Now, Jack, listen, you sure we've got everything stowed up top? I've checked

all, mate. It's all up there. Mattress, springs, headboard, the lot. Right. Now,

as soon as Mike's finished that, we can get on our way.

Heads up. Here comes Dracula.

Of course, you're red -handed this time. You thought you were going to get away

with that, didn't you? What?

Don't try and kid me.

You let that oil dry out on purpose so you could get back here and have a

of hours off, didn't you?

Yes, I know your little tricks, mate. Well, it's not going to work.

Yes. That bus is going to be out of here in five minutes' time, and you're both

going to be on it. You're a right slave driver, you are, Blakey. Don't try and

pull one over on me, mate. I wasn't born yesterday, you know. I was a busman

myself. I know all the tricks.

Oh, you're clever, Blakey, you are. You're clever.

All right, then. It's ready.

Take that, now. OK, Mike. OK, Inspector, I've finished. Come on, get in the van.

OK, get out. Come on, come on. Hey, help! You can have a go driving this

Right, OK.

Hang about, hang about.

What? Second thoughts.

This bus could do with a run through the wash.

Get some old plates on that one and take that one out instead, will you?

No, no, no.

Can't take that one out.

Because, well, we like this one, don't we?

Yes, yes, we're very fond of this one.

Well, we got used to it.

What are you talking about? They're both the same, aren't they?

No, no, they're different.

Well, what's the difference?

I don't know, but they're different.

Well, I can't see what that bus has got what that one ain't got.

Well, thank God for that.

No, well, you see, what I say is different is that...

I mean, let's face it, we've been taking this one out for the last three days.

Well, you're going steady, are you?

When are you going to announce the engagement?

It's like an old worn shoe, isn't it? Well, I've heard of cowboys getting

attached to their horses before, but that's blooming ridiculous, isn't it?

you're just hanging about to waste my time, and you get out of it. No, no,

on, Blakey, we've got no way. Come on, get out of it.

Get off that bus! Come out of it!

How can we run a bus company if every busman wants his own bus?

Now, you get on that bus, and I'll tell the superintendent I'll switch you. All

right, Elf, get in the other bus, will you? Now, listen, Blake, listen, Blake,

listen. Now, listen, just a minute, Blake.

Look, why switch us?

Look, you're taking the other bus out, and that's an order. Now, get some Elf

plates on it.

It's not only Elf plates we've got to get on it. We've got to shift that bed.

Don't be daft. How can we shift that bed here? Come out and catch us any minute.

Yeah, well, we'll just have to delay him by accident.

There we are.

All right, all right.

Come on, quick, get that bed on that one. No, hang on, hang on. No hanging

You lot are in it up to here like we are now. Get that bed off of there and get

it on that one. Don't hang about. Come on.

Hey,

butler.

Hey, butler.

What's going on? Can you get the key there? No, no, there's no key here. No,

it's jammed. It must be jammed.

Have a look, have a look.

You can't stall anything, can you?

No,

it's definitely jammed, you know.

Do something, I can't stay in here all day.

Well, if you get hold of him, we'll stick a few peanuts through the keyhole.

No, no, Sam, can't do that. Why not? Oh, you're not allowed to feed him, it's

the mating season.

He's getting vicious, isn't he? Yeah, well, that's because he hasn't got a

Tell you what, we'll phone up the zoo.

Morons. Come on, get me out of here.

I don't think they'd let him out, do you? Why's that? Well, he's only one of

kind, you know, one of his species, no.

They'd most probably keep him for mating purposes.

Oh, yes.

If you don't get me out of here, I'll report a pair of you. Hey, Stan, Stan.

What? What's that?

We're having trouble.

The mattress is stuck on the stairs.

Oh, blimey, can't you do anything?

Pull it, pull it.

Come on, pull it.

Oh, thank God you've got me out. Them other two would have left me in here all

day, you know. Now, what's going on with this place? Hide it out there, eh?

My cover, what's going on here?

You've had it this time, mate. You did that in purpose to injure me, didn't

Is he all right? I'm going to make a full report about this. Yeah, he's all

right.

What's the idea of this, eh? You've gone too far this time. What's he doing in

here? How did he get here? Well, one of the passengers must have left it on

there. Yeah, you know what these housewives are like. Always leaving

shopping on the bus.

I'm potty, mate. There's no passengers been on that bus.

It's a trainee bus. You two left that mattress on there.

What are you training these two girls for?

bus, mate, not a mobile bordello.

You're a sex maniac, you are.

A mattress.

You're not even supposed to smoke downstairs.

You've gone too far this time, I'll tell you. Ah, look, it's all... I'll tell

you something. It's all innocent. I'll explain it to you. It's me rubbing Laura

Hart with mattress and we were delivering it for him.

Well, how could you do that then?

Well, how was we to know the bus was going to break down?

Oh, oh, I see it, yeah. It's all coming now.

You've been using that bus as a private delivery service, haven't you? Would a

general manager be very interested to read about this?

We're allowed to carry parcels on that bus. It's in the regulations.

We were just showing the clippies out the way and they're big parcels. Pull

other one, mate. It's got bells on it.

Anyway, what's that hanging about? We don't want that left about here, do we?

I've seen enough Randy goings -on up against the back wall of a night time.

Now get that on that bus there and take it off home out of it. Go on.

Don't you hear what he said?

Go on.

Get it on the other bus.

That's very decent of you, Blake. Isn't it, Mr. Tattoo, mate? Yes, you did,

mate. Excuse me, love, can I have your ticket machine, please? Oh, yes, sir.

Thank you very much. We must do this thing properly, mustn't we?

Right then.

I'm afraid I shall have to issue you with a parcel ticket.

What are you talking about?

We get free passes for us and our families.

Yes, well, a mattress is not a relative, is it?

It might be a very good friend of yours, but it's not a relative.

Oh, blimey, all right. How much a parcel, Jack? One and three, I say. That

correct, yes.

One and three per parcel.

Hang on, what are you doing? Well, that's about 20 tickets.

Listen, the mattress ain't 20 sparsals, you know.

No, you're right.

It's more like 30, isn't it?

21, the mattress. Do you want it by the headboard or the spring base?

It's called the spring base.

Oh, you made my day.

I don't know what to say.