Original subtitles

Morning, Mum.

Hello, love.

Morning, Olly. Well done.

All right?

What's the offer? Any up yet?

He's out in the shed, tuning up his bike.

Oh, good.

Stand by for blasting.

Blimey, what a bike.

If they heard those bangs, they wouldn't worry about the Concorde.

Here, Arthur.

Why don't you do something about that bike of yours?

I happen to have just tuned it up.

Tuned it up? You haven't got much of it with music.

Why don't you shut up?

I've done the best I can. I can't afford to put it in the garage.

The cost of everything's going up, isn't it? Look, we're all suffering from

inflation.

Well, Olive certainly is.

Well, she can't help it if she suffers. Here's your breakfast, love.

What's this?

Fried bread and bacon.

Fried bread and bacon?

Where's the bacon?

Underneath the bread.

Cold.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Blimey, no wonder it was underneath there. You were frightened it would blow

away.

Well, I'm sorry. Everything's so expensive, I can't afford to give you

Not in the money you give me.

Well?

Well, everything's so expensive, we've got to cut down.

Well, that's not going to do Wally any harm, is it?

I am already cutting down. I've only got one slice of toast.

Blimey, you're putting half a pound of butter on it.

Yeah, you'll have to go easy with the butter, love. It's very expensive and

going up.

Look, it's her fault. It's her law of supply and demand.

And she's creating a shortage.

Now, look here, I can't cope. You boys have got to give me more housekeeping

money. Oh, don't. I can't afford to. I don't know what you do with the money

anyway. Well, we can't do without butter. I've only had a bit.

Well, now, look. In the war, your dad and me had two ounces of butter a week.

Did you manage on that?

I must have done that when she was born.

Oh, well.

You didn't ration everything.

Oh, there's the milkman.

Shh, don't say a word.

Well, what's the matter with you?

If he knows we're here, he won't pay him. Shh.

Well, what's the matter? Haven't you paid him this week or something?

I haven't paid him for six weeks. Get out of sight.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. How much do you owe the man?

Six pounds ten.

It's all right, it's gone.

doing on the floor?

I thought you was a milkman.

Does she always get on the floor when a milkman calls?

We wish she did. If she did, we wouldn't have six pound ten.

Here, I found that note on the doorstep.

Yeah? No milk today.

What are you talking about?

There's hardly any left. What did you put that out for, Mum?

She didn't put it out. The milkman did.

What are you doing? Well, I didn't want to be at home when the milkman called.

We're all in the same boat, mate.

Oh. Oh, well, I suppose you've gone now. I'll see you down at the depot. OK,

enjoy yourself. Go on, mate. Now, listen, you two, I'm sick of dodging the

tradespeople. You've got to give me more money.

Don't keep picking on me, Mum. Why don't you check me with a bit more

housekeeping? Because I cannot afford to.

I've had rather a lot of expenses recently.

I'm going to tax my motorbike in two weeks, am I? Oh, that rotten thing.

It's a damn nuisance.

Why don't you flog it?

Because it happens to be the only pleasure I've got left in life.

Well, you can't have a motorbike and a wife. Something's got to go.

Perhaps you're right.

Well, sorry to lose you, love.

Don't say such things.

Anyone would think Arthur'd rather have his motorbike than Ollie's. Well, a bike

has got its attractions.

Now, look, mate, listen. Why don't you put an ad in a local paper?

I'll help you to make one out.

Look, mate, I have not yet decided to get rid of it. I think he'd rather sell

me. All right, put an ad in about you.

One owner, oddly used, two seats well upholstered.

How can you say such things?

At least I'm in good running order.

Well, how would we know?

You haven't been working for three years.

I read in a paper.

About how in Africa you can barter your wife for free cows.

If we can't do that here, then we wouldn't have to worry about the milk.

Will you stop talking about selling olive and think about selling your boat?

need the money.

All right. No, she's right, Arthur.

Let's go and have a look in the shed, see if we can pick out his finer points.

All right. Come on, then.

Here.

Bring a bit of pencil and paper. All right, I've got one.

Why it's always me who has to make the sacrifices in this house, I don't know.

Because I've got nothing to sacrifice, don't I? You're talking about all the

birds you take out. It's got nothing to do with you. My birds have got nothing

to do with you. Let's have another one. Let's talk about the pipe. Let's talk

about the pipe.

Right.

Now then, what are we going to say about it?

Yeah, what are we going to say about it?

Well, here's a bit of paper. We'll have to start somewhere.

You've got a pen or something?

Yeah.

Right, how do you do?

Well, for sale. We can put that on, can't we? Right, for sale.

Motorbike combination with helmet goggles, brand new.

What are you talking about? The bike's not brand new. No, but the helmet and

goggles are.

Bargain must be sold.

I like this. Bargain must be sold. Owner going abroad.

I'm not going abroad, mate. If you flog this, mate, you might have to.

Go on, let's be sensible.

Now then, what can we say about the bodywork?

Yeah.

All right then, all right then.

Two -tone colour. That's very good.

With brown finished metalwork.

Where's the brown?

All the rusty bits.

Right, now then.

Let's see, what can we say about the inside?

Right, there we are, mate.

Nothing.

You are not being very helpful, are you?

Well, blimey, the inside is as bad as the outside.

Well, all right, then, say it's got a matching interior.

Very good, I like that. Very clever. Matching interior.

One minute. Interior.

We should say something like, can be seen any time.

Right.

What time does it get dark?

Half past six. Why? Right. Can be seen any time after seven.

Right. I've got another one here.

One careful owner.

What are you talking about? It's at eight altogether.

I know, but you can see the other seven weren't particular.

Right. Now, let's see what that reads like, mate. For sale.

Motorbike combination with helmet and goggles brand new.

Bargain. Must be sold. Owner going abroad.

Two -tone colour with brown finish metalwork.

Matching interior.

Can be seen any time after seven. One careful owner. Great in the paper,

look great. No, no, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean, no, no, no, no, no?

That will weigh against my conscience, mate. I mean, it's deliberate

fraudulation, isn't it? It's just a mass of lies.

I mean, under the existing laws, you could get fired £500 and shoved inside

three months.

No, you go inside for three months because it's going to be your name on

Right, that's it then. No.

Don't be so childish.

All right, we won't put it in the paper. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll stick it up on a notice board at the depot.

Got nothing to lose, have we? No, of course not. Right.

Anyone nibbled yet?

No. Well, only old Nobby Clark.

I think he must have seen the bike.

Why's that?

Look at his foot on the bottom.

Keep death off the road.

Society's ridiculous, really.

Yeah. Well, none of our fellas have got enough money, have they? No, you're

right there, mate.

Anyway, where are you going to find a mug stupid enough to buy that lad of old

rubbish? Yeah, you're right, really.

I

think

we just found one.

I don't reckon you've got a hope in hell of flogging that motorbike for Blakey.

Look, let's try, shall we? Let's see.

Right, just follow what I say, just do it.

Hi, Blakey.

Hello. You all right, Blakey?

None the better for you, I'll say.

I didn't think you looked well, Jack.

Eh? What? I said you didn't look well.

Oh, no, no, no, you look all in. Yeah.

What's all these solicitations for, anyway? All right, mate, if you don't

believe us, ask somebody else. Here.

Jokey, mate.

Don't you think Blakey's looking very pale?

Not half.

Yeah? Of course he looks... Of course he thinks I look pale. We all look pale to

him, don't we?

You look a bit... Let's have a listen. Let's have a listen. Let's have a

What?

What?

Blimey, Jack. Yeah?

What's the matter?

You're tickering off going at a rate, mate.

That's me blimmin' watch, what are you talking about?

I know there's an in -between of watching and art, mate. Now, look, I

Blakey, that you and I, well, we've had our differences of opinion in the past,

but let's face it, well, we wouldn't like to see you go.

It's nice to hear you say that. No, otherwise we'd have to have a whip round

a reef.

No, seriously,

I reckon a bloke in your position ought to have a little car or something.

Oh, I know that, yes, but I can't afford it, can I? Oh, no.

Here.

Tell you what.

Why don't you have a look at my brother -in -law's motorbike?

You know, aren't there, see? Right.

50 quid. And I reckon if he knows it's you, he'll let you have it a bit

Yeah, I bet he would. No, I don't want a motorbike, mate. I've got my bike. That

keeps me fit. All right, but don't say I didn't warn you.

You've got him worried, mate. He's looking at himself in the mirror.

That'll really give him an heart attack.

Oh, butlers.

Yes, Maggie? When could I have a look at that motorbike, your brother -in

-law's? Motorbike? Oh, tomorrow morning. I'll let you have a look at it before I

go on duty.

Yeah. What sort of condition is it in?

Condition? Tip -top, as new.

Well, I'm not saying I'm interested, but I'll have a look tomorrow morning.

Yeah, OK.

Yeah, right on.

I've got to hand it to you. I never thought you'd flog in that bike.

I'm a bit worried, though, mate. Why's that?

Well, you see, from my house to the depot, it's three miles.

Well, so what?

I don't think that bike will make it.

Oh, do we have to do all this? Oh, stop moaning.

Look, we've got to tart the bike up, haven't we? See if the engine works all

right. Blake is not that much of an idiot, you know.

Right, let's see how the engine does work, shall we, Arthur?

Yeah. Like that, mate.

Oh, God!

Why haven't you done anything about that engine?

I happen to be rather busy fixing the Uta.

Blimey, the noise that engine makes, mate, you don't need an inter -Uta.

Here, I'll tell you what to do. Now, Arthur, take that inspection cap off the

gearbox. What on earth for?

Just you take it off and I'll show you what I mean.

Right, now then.

Have you got it all? Yeah.

Right, now put that funnel in it. Put that funnel in it.

Yeah. That's not going to make the engine quiet, is it? Look, mate, this is

very, very technical.

All the boys do this.

It's a well -known old trick.

What is it? Well, it's what we call the three -in -one mixture, you see.

Right, it's one part oil.

Yeah.

Right.

And three parts sawdust.

No, mate.

Here, are you sure that's going to make the engine quiet? I am positive, mate.

There's only one thing. It only lasts for about half an hour. Oh.

Yeah. Oh, I didn't have a thought of that.

Oh, I can see that. I'll tell you what. The bloke who sold it to you did.

Yeah. I sold it.

There you go. Right, is it in then?

Right, mate?

Is it in? Yeah. Put the cap on. Right, let's see how it goes now.

Now then.

Come out a bit. Come out a bit. Come out. Now then. Now then. Watch this,

Watch it. Watch it.

And that's sweet.

And that's sweet.

Don't waste it. Don't waste it.

Switch it on. Switch it on. Don't waste it. Right.

There you are, Stan.

I've given you an exhaust pipe for cleaning inside and out. Right.

Inside? How do you do that?

With this stuff I put down the what -sit, you know.

It gets right round the bend and does all the little bits you can't see.

Now, Arthur, mate, I'll tell you what.

I'm going to put a bit of this special tape along the body work on this other

thing here. Well, what possible use could that be? Well, Apart from tarting

up, you see, it'll hold the body together.

Well, blimey, let's face it, mate.

Look at this one here, look.

Yeah, well, well, well.

Holly did that last year at Margate.

It wasn't my fault. I had to have somewhere to change into my bathing

You've changed in there?

Not easy.

Took me over half an hour to get into my bikini.

I didn't think they made bikinis your size, love.

They don't. That's why I took over half an hour.

Oh, come on, sunshine. I'll give you a hand with the tyre levers.

Oh, it was most embarrassing.

I was just about to change into my costume when the fella came and peeped

there and I had nothing on except my crash helmet.

What happened, love?

They treated the bloke for shock.

Oh, well, that's it.

I don't think we'll have much of a job of flogging that to Blakey tomorrow.

Well, I shall be very sad to see her go.

As I said yesterday, it's the only pleasure I have left in life.

Oh, how can you say a thing like that?

There are other things you know.

Doesn't think, does he, Stan?

No, love.

No, he forgot to tell me.

We've got a nibble there, mate.

Well, Blakey, what do you think?

The sidecar's a bit ropey, isn't it?

Well... The engine's the thing, mate. Let's hear the engine.

You want to hear the engine? Right, here we go then, boy.

That's sweet, isn't it?

Oh, that's lovely.

Sweet as a nut.

Oh,

there's no loose cogs or gear wheels there, mate, like a buzzsaw. Well, let's

face it, it's just been reconditioned, isn't it? Yeah, but you know what some

them dealers are like, you know? They do them, yeah. They put a load of sawdust

in the gearbox.

Really? They do, yes.

Yeah? But they couldn't fool me, mate.

When you've got a skill deer like mine, you can detect that in an instant.

Yeah, yeah, of course you can, yeah.

Well, I think it's a nice cheap little 50 quid, Smith. What do you say? Yeah,

quid's a lot of money, isn't it, eh?

I don't need that sidecar for a start, do I? I'm sorry,

Blakey, but that goes with the bike.

I mean, it doesn't charge you any more.

But listen, I think you've overlooked one fact, mate. What? You could take

old lady out for a ride on a Sunday, innit? Your old mum. My old lady in

Yes, yes.

A bit of a bumpy ride, wouldn't you?

It's marvellous in there, isn't it? Ah, it's just like a limousine.

Yeah.

I'd like to have a trial of that first, I think. I don't think I'd take the

chance. We can't speak fair in that. Let him get inside.

In you go, mate. Go on.

That's it.

Open the little door.

There we are.

In you go.

That's the idea. That's right.

You all right, mate?

No. It's a bit of a tight fit, isn't it?

No, you'll have to get out and get in again. You've got to put your feet in

first, you see. A bit of silence is what you need there.

That's it. There you are.

Don't get me simpler than that.

It's lovely.

Not a room here, is it?

It's a bit tight in here. Look, I've got my knees right under my chin here.

That's a very, very good position, mate, and it stops you from being sick.

That's the idea.

Lovely. Lovely boy. Hang on. One close.

One minute.

See what's happened.

It needs a bit of a push down. After three.

One, two, three.

Woo!

A bit of a chance taking him out on a trial spin, aren't you?

Look, I've got it all worked out, mate. Yeah?

I'm taking him the Bodley Roadway.

Well, why there? Because it's two miles downhill, see?

Clever. Yeah. Here, hang about. How are you going to get back?

Well, pick that up, mate, will you? Yeah?

Because you're coming with me, see?

What for, mate? What for?

In case we have to push it back up the hill.

Right, get on board, mate.

Right. All right, Blakey, mate.

room it is.

I see it's solidly built. We'll need a crowbar for that.

I tell you what, break the glass.

All right, spoil it.

It's a cool show, don't we? Yeah, we shall.

It's all right. It's got Nobby in another tent.

It's Nobby.

Nobby's in another tent. It's coming along.

Come on, Jack, quick.

Nobby, fellas, quick, quick. Quick, quick, quick.

Come on, get in there.

That's lovely.

Press on the floor with your feet, see?

And push up after three, after three.

One, two, freeze!

Blimey, he's acting out.

That's what we want, yeah.

Right, that's it.

That's it.

There you go. Hold it, fellas.

Come on, break it.

Now, you're all right now. You're all over. What an experience.

I shall never forgive you for this, but as long as I live, as long as I live, I

won't forgive you for this.

Oh,

my God.

You're late. Hang on.

Come on.

Ten minutes ago, you should have been out on the 10 .30 at the cemetery gates.

You know, I'll see you about this later on. But, Blakey, I do want to say I'm

very sorry about this. Sorry? Shut up!

You could have killed me in that thing. Do you know that? You could have killed

me. What would you have done then, eh?

Well, I would have fitted some brass handles on it and then you could have

to the...