Original subtitles

You're due out in one minute. Where's your driver? Oh, he's getting ready.

Getting ready?

Oh, blimey, it's a two -hour journey, mate.

Got to take precautions in this freezing weather. We had a bright basin pool

yesterday, right out in a perishing country.

Oh, here he is now.

Lord almighty.

What you made up for, Eskimo now?

I say, what you made up for, Eskimo now?

What you made up for? I can't hear. I can't hear a word you say.

Well, take them earmuffs off. You can't drive a bus with earmuffs on. You can't

hear. You can't drive, can you? You must be joking, mate. I wear what I like.

Two hours there, two hours back in that freezing countryside.

I'm telling you something. That Gibber Hill run is the worst run in the depot.

I know.

That's why I put you two on it.

Well, how long are we going to stay on it, then? Until I can find the worst

The worst one? You must be joking. It's not the worst one.

I'll tell you what, that's the worst run there is.

It's potholes that big, I'm telling you.

You want to come out there and try it? All right, I will.

I'll come out this afternoon. I'll do it with a drop of fresh air.

Help to blow me cobwebs away.

Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was your moustache.

Puppy. Getting that bus out of it. I've got other buses beside yours to worry

about, you know.

Come on, Chalky, get out of it.

All right, Anson, let's take it away. Well, give us a few minutes, will you?

family said they're going to catch this bus. God knows where they've got to.

What's your family want to get on this one for? Well, they're going to visit

Ardmore, do you see? She lives at Hickley Green.

It's cheaper by bus than it is by train, isn't it? Look, mate, old Hickler will

be back any minute. We've got to go.

Don't worry, here they are, here they are, here they are.

Come on, of course.

We nearly got the set waiting for you.

It was Ollie's fault. She couldn't find her travelling pills.

And when she found her travelling pills, she couldn't find her Chilblain

ointment. Well, it seems we're all set for a very happy day.

Now, Arthur, you know Olive always gets car sick when she takes a long bus ride.

Well, it's all right. We've got plenty of those little bags.

Oh, do you keep them under the seat?

Like they do in the aeroplanes? No, I have to keep me loose changing.

The old, uh, Empire Bob's with on me.

It's a very bumpy journey.

Yeah.

Two hours, I like that all the way.

Get on.

Oh, Stan, don't take any notice of him, love.

Of course, in the old days, it was all right, you see. I used to sit her on my

lap and let her look out of the window at the little moo cows and the little

piggy wigs. She was only 17.

Yes. I was so rude.

I wasn't 17, I was only 7.

He was referring to your weight.

I'm not supposed to take Gelliford otherwise, am I? I'll keep moving then.

Hey, do you want returns?

I don't know, mate. Well, you're coming back, aren't you?

Judging by the look of Ollie's face, I wouldn't count on it.

I'll wait and see.

Good luck to our board. Yes. Now, look, I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up

tonight at that shelter across the road here.

Oh, yes.

What time, Jack?

19 .35.

Yeah, yeah. OK, 19 .35.

Right, we'll wait for you.

Oh, no, we won't. We've got the inspector on board.

Oh, blimey, yeah.

You'd better see you on time, then.

All right, love. OK, tell him. I'll give you luck tomorrow. Yeah, OK.

Hey!

I mean, where's that perishing bus?

We've been waiting here over half an hour.

Are you sure it'll be Stan's bus?

If it's half an hour late, it's better be his.

What a day we've had. Oh, stop moaning. We had a lovely day.

Look at that lovely lunch Aunt Maud gave us.

Nobody cooks a rabbit parlor, my sister Maud.

For that, we must all be truly thankful.

My toes are frozen.

Oh, stop moaning.

But it's so...

Cold, Arthur, and with this fog, every time I take a breath, my throat feels as

though it's on fire.

Well, if your throat's on fire and your toes are frozen, shove your feet in your

mouth.

She used to do that when she was little. She used to lie on the rug with nothing

on, with her little feet in her mouth.

Do you mind? Not after that rabbit stew.

The tables were always damp. I suppose that's how she got chilled blinds. You

must have given them to yourself, love.

Here. Is that Dan's bag?

What do you mean?

We've been waiting here over half an hour.

Don't say nothing.

Here. Are you the one they call it now?

Here, get set in there. Go on, then.

Oh, blimey.

God, it's freezing in my cab.

Here, my heater's gone up the spout.

Hello, Mum, how are you? Have a nice day. Lovely.

Here. Aunt Maud said when I saw you, I must give you some special kisses.

Now, love, look. Did you put that vest I bought you, the string one, for

Christmas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure got it

on? Yes, yes. Well, let your mother have a little look. Look, don't undo it.

Whatever you want, because I just want... Oh.

Tan, you naughty boy, you're lying to your mum. Don't say it in front of him.

feel a fool.

I couldn't find it. Olive's wearing it. Well,

it would never fit her.

It was a bit tricky getting it on.

String festies and kisses for my Aunt Maud. You're supposed to be running a

but they're not playing at me families. Come on, get in the cab out of here. All

right, all right. Try and make up for lost time, eh?

Don't talk soppy. He's been driving through thick fog.

It was only over the hill there.

I was a driver. I used to drive this route many a time. It'll be a clear run

from now on.

Oh, blimey, what a journey.

We've been going half an hour. He hasn't got out of bottom gear yet.

Oh, what's happened?

Have we stopped?

I hope so. The driver's got out.

Is anything wrong, Inspector?

No, it's perfectly all right, madam. It's just a routine stop. Our drivers

very highly trained. They know this route like the back of their hands.

Right, that's it. I'm lost.

What do you mean, lost?

Well, I can't see where I've been. I can't see where I'm going.

No, it's no good.

We'll have to wait till it lifts, this fog.

Don't talk wet.

Someone can walk in front of the bus with a lightning torch, can't they? The

road's probably clearer further on. Yeah, Arthur's quite right. That's the

inspector's job. Oh, is it? No, he can't do that.

No, I can't do that.

That's an extremely dangerous thing to do.

A couple of years ago, one of the inspectors got run over doing that. Did

Well, I second thought it wouldn't be a bad idea.

Don't talk ridiculous.

With my black coat on, you'd never see me in front of there. Well, I tell you

what, you're wearing a white shirt. How do you feel about walking in front of

the bus with your shirt tail dangling out?

You puppy, you.

You know that's a dangerous thing to do. It can only be done by somebody wearing

a special light -coloured garment.

Hey, only if you're wearing a light coat.

Oh, don't be so horrible. The bus might bump into me.

Well, we've got a good maintenance department, darling. They can knock out

bump. Boy, Jane, I find it a bit of a job with you.

No, no, nobody's going to walk in front of the bus.

Here, there's a newsflash on the radio.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now,

ladies

and gentlemen, coming up next, the great theme song from Frankenstein meets The

Ape Woman.

Hey, Arthur, they're going to play your tune.

Stan, is it so thick? Can't you see to drive?

Let's have a look.

Ah, it's worse than ever. Thick? It's so thick you can show a button on it. No!

Well, I'm afraid we'll be up tomorrow.

Oh, Arthur, it'll be the first time we haven't got back to our bed for a night.

Oh, I suppose we must have gone to Brightside.

Oh, blimey, look at them all.

It's like spending the night in a chamber of horrors.

I wish we could cart him away and have him melted down.

And what do you make this time?

Oh, blimey, it's nearly one o 'clock in the morning.

God, think of the devil, mate.

Hey, does Arthur always go to sleep holding a newspaper like that?

Well, what would you do if he was married to Olive?

I'm going to bed with the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Yeah, why does Olive keep her glasses on?

Because when she wakes up in the morning, she can't find them.

Blimey, I'm starving and hungry. You got anything to eat? Nah, I'll bet old

Blackie has in that tin box. That's why he's touching it like that.

Here, I'll tell you what. I've got a few peanuts here.

Sorry, I got a bit mixed up with me change.

You fancy one?

I'm in your cupboard in fluff.

No, all right.

Here. What? Here, Jack.

I bet you, Tanner, you can't get one of them peanuts in his mouth.

Right, mate, you're on.

Go on.

Oh, blimey, he's a moving target.

All right, then.

All right, then.

A bob if you get one in his ear off.

Two bobs if you get it up his nose.

Don't be daft, mate. His moustache will get in the way.

Need a hammer -piercing bullet to get through that hook.

Hey, look, his gob's wide open. Get right between his tonsils, go on. No, I

might swallow it and choke to death.

Only if we're lucky.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I've got a tanner. That's a tanner. That's a tanner.

Underarm knob.

Oh, no. No, mate. Tanner. You're in a tanner.

I'll give him a little salvo. Yeah.

One more.

There.

That's a ghost door.

I've swallowed a tooth.

Come out and find out.

Oh, they're all there, aren't they?

That's funny.

I could have sworn I had something to hold in my mouth.

Oh,

Arthur, do you want to snuggle up to me?

No, I just wanted to finish a rather interesting article I was reading on the

mating habits of pygmies.

Good. You might learn something.

Oh, I dropped a stitch.

Hello, my old darling. You all right, love? Yes, love. My back hurts a bit.

Here, I'm making a jumper for Olive.

Are you? Yeah.

Blimey, you'd never get that round her waist.

No, this is only the sleeve.

Arthur.

Certainly not.

No, you'll have to wait.

Mum!

Oh, wait a minute, love. Here. What?

Are there any bushes outside?

Bushes? What do you want bushes for?

That was her.

Oh, yes, yes.

Any... Yeah, there's plenty there.

Well, yes, there are some.

Outside, but you'll have to get off the back.

Are you sure there are bushes outside, Sam?

What do you want bushes for? You get outside there, you'll disappear.

In fact, you'll find it a bit of a job finding your way back to the bus.

Oh, Arthur, did you hear that?

Stan says I might not be able to find my way back to the bus.

Really?

Yes, she might fall in a big hole or down in a pond.

You're always trying to raise my hopes.

Well, she's only trying to cheer you up.

Stan, here, love, I'll tell you what. Look, I've got some wool here. Take the

end of that and hang on to it and that'll guide you back to the bus.

There you are.

Off you go. There you go, love.

Gents to the right, ladies to the left.

Oh, right.

She's in a hurry. Yeah.

It's like DC fishing, isn't it? Like playing out of shot.

Or like Moby Dick.

Ah, it's stopped.

She must have found a bush.

Perhaps the bush wasn't big enough.

Yeah, I saw a film about a fisherman once. He had to hold on to the line for

nine hours. Was he really?

Yeah. Well, if I'd have told him to go by, it could have happened to her.

What's she doing?

What's she doing? She must be hopping from bush to bush.

Stopped, innit?

Stopped.

I think she's settled.

It's a fair check. Could be it for a long time, mate.

Oh,

is that Olive?

No, that was Olive.

Oh, guess it's as good as mine, isn't it? Hang on, I'll go and find it.

I suppose she took one look at your choppers and thought you was a farmer's

horse.

They are meant to be, as you will.

Oh, what do you know?

She must have had this round at all. Yeah.

Well, she's a Jersey cow, most probably knitting herself a pullover.

Jibbering jackass.

We can well do without your moronic jokes.

Don't you talk to my son like that. What have you done about it? He's been

driving in the fog. What have you done? I don't care. Go and do something.

What can I do?

Well, you a great beanpole.

There must be plenty of phone booths along the road. You'd get out there and

phone a depot for a start, couldn't you? I don't know about that. I don't think

the other passengers would like me to leave the bus.

Very well, then. I will, then.

Yes.

Well, go on. Make up your mind. You're going or coming or what you're doing.

Go on.

Watch it.

I may be gone for some considerable time, ladies and gentlemen. Good.

Yes, I do.

And don't worry. I'll get through, all right. I'll get through. Don't worry.

Don't worry. Go on, then. There he goes. The Luxor District Bus Company's John

Wayne.

100 % true grit. Yeah.

Oh, well, I don't think we shall see him for a bit, then.

What's the matter?

I've forgotten the telephone number of my office.

It's on my clipboard down there.

Oh, there you are.

There you are. Thank you.

Don't worry, I'll get through to the depot, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't hurry back.

Oh, well, I think we've got rid of him now.

Oh, God.

What's the matter? Lost your clipboard? No, I haven't got sixpence, actually.

Here you are.

Everyone on the company.

I'll get through, all right? Don't worry, ladies.

Well, shut the door. Shut the door, Jack.

Here, Sam, while he's gone, look at his snack box. I bet he's got some grub in

there. Yeah, well, the way he was clasping it.

God damn it, the cheeky son. He's got two packets of crisp. I knew he had a

secret voice. Hey, hey, hey. I think those should be distributed equally

the passengers. Yes, I'll wake Olive up. No, no, let her sleep.

She must have her share.

Come on, love, wake up.

Wake up, love.

There's food.

What flavour are they, Stan?

I don't know yet.

Bacon, I think.

Yeah, I'm sure they're bacon.

No, no.

Cheese and onion.

No, I'm not a liar.

They're plain.

Yeah, we'll share them out equally.

Well, when you do it, you might remember you've had half a packet yourself.

One for you.

One for you.

One for you.

One for you.

One for you.

Hey. One for you.

Hey, hey. What?

Do you mind telling me why it is I seem to be getting all the small ones?

Well, if you like, I'll shuffle them up like a pack of cards, you know.

Yeah, well, you might tell me one off the bottom. Oh, sorry, mate.

I lost me sixpence.

I walked right into a ditch.

You know me some hero.

Oh, look at his feet!

Yeah, you better take your boots off.

I've got them off.

These are me socks.

What was you doing walking in a ditch with your boots off? I didn't walk in a

ditch with my boots off. They came off when I went to get out.

You left your boots in the ditch?

No, no.

I fished them out, all right. Don't leave them outside. They weigh a ton.

Oh, go on, Gim. Stop where you are.

Oh, God!

Don't be funny, mate.

Don't be big funny. Mate, mate, mate.

You're making a very nasty mess of my bus.

I'm not having you on like that. You'll have to wash your feet.

Oh, don't all have a berk.

How can I wash my feet? Don't have running water on the bus, you know.

Well, we do now, mate. Here.

Oh, God!

Oh, I hate you, Butler.

Do I, too, mate? I do.

Look at me. Look, I'm smothered in mud now.

Listen, some people pay a lot of money to be covered in mud. Yeah, I'll tell

what, Blakey, your feet will have a lovely complexion.

Come here.

I don't know what you did out there, but the fog's getting thicker.

You don't have to tell me, mate. I'll just come from out there, ladies and

gentlemen. I'm very tired of the cellar up there.

Well, we'll be here till it gets light. Oh, sorry. Sam, when will that be, lad?

Oh,

good seven hours yet.

Seven hours?

Oh, my good God.

Seven hours like this, look, without a clean pair of socks on.

Well, you don't have to worry, Blakey. We'll get you another pair of socks.

Will you? Where?

Well, Mum's got seven hours. She'll knit you a pair.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination after travelling for 12

hours and 6 minutes at an average speed of half a mile an hour.

Local time is 7 .32, and I'll be off with Captain Stan Butler and his crew.

Thank you for travelling with us.

Oh, God. Hello, Mark. How are you? Oh, lovely. Back.

Here, there's only one good thing about it, Stan. Yeah, what's that, Mum? Look,

I've finished my jumper.

Oh, lovely.

Well, I shall not forget it in a hurry.

I think it's quite disgusting being charged 76 each for suffering all night.

you don't shut your face, we'll give you another ticket.

Aye.

Your ticket run out at midnight.

Give him one.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, Arthur, don't look at me.

Seven hours without sleep, what must I look like?

Better than usual.

Hello, Blakey.

Oi, you going for a quick paddle, are you?

Anyone about?

I wouldn't like any of the Clippers to see me in this deplorable condition.

Well, I don't think your bare feet are going to send the Clippers sex mad.

Oh, look, that's freezing!

Here's Stan.

When's the next bus for? How long do we have to wait?

Two hours, Mum.

Why? Well, it's Sunday service, isn't it? Oh.

Well, I'm not waiting in this freezing cold demo two hours.

All right, then. There's only one thing. We'll get back on the bus then. Oh,

Stan!