Original subtitles

Hmm.

Arthur. Hello, mate.

I only just got here myself.

I can see that. You're smoking my fags.

Yeah, well, I've run short, haven't I? Yeah.

God, I'm starving.

Yeah, Mum's a bit behind. She shan't lay the table even. Yeah. Hello, love.

Hello, just coming, Mum. No, I'm just going out.

Eh?

Olive's cooking your supper.

Olive? Yeah, I've got something in the oven.

Have you? What is it?

Well, it's not a bun. I can tell you that.

Arthur, I do not like that sort of talk.

Ollie's making you one of her special stews. You'll be all right with her.

Now, I really must go.

Er, do you like my scarf?

Yes, all right.

Well, what is it? Special bingo, is that it?

No, going out for a drink with a friend.

Oh, that Mrs Harper again?

No, gentleman friend.

Aye?

Yes. You know, Mr Phillips, I met him at the Musselman Social.

We're friends.

Oh, him, yeah. I think I know him, yeah.

Well, not that I know, but I've heard he's a bit of a shark.

Hey, he's a very nice class of person.

Olive, I think I can do with a bit of your lipstick.

Here, is this kiss proof?

Well, if it is, you'd never be likely to find out.

Hey, Mum,

you ought to be careful what you're doing, you know. I mean, let's face it,

haven't been out with a bloke for 25 years.

Never mind, love, I've got a good memory.

Well, it's like riding a bike you never forget, do you?

Well, do I look all right?

Oh, thank you for taking all that trouble at your age.

Well, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean the fire's gone out.

Oh, blimey, Mum's getting to be a bit of an old sexpot.

Yeah, well, I shouldn't let it pop you. It doesn't run in the blood.

Right, what's for supper?

From the oven. You load the table, I'll get it. Lum, it's anything like last

time, Mark, though. You don't even need a knife and fork, mate. You need hammer

and chisel at all.

And that was on it with a gravy.

What on earth is that?

That's meat stew.

And for afters, I got one of my special syrup puddings. Oh, blimey.

You don't have to eat any of my pudding if you don't want it.

I'll have some. In fact, I'll have two portions.

Oh, will you, love?

Help keep this stew down.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Arthur.

I'm going to have a bit before and a bit after. That way I trap it both ends.

I'll give you a bar of cooking if you don't like it. Give me a seat here. I've

got to eat something, don't I?

Go on. Oh, I hope that man don't need Mum and Jay.

Don't be daft. They've only gone down to booze for a drink, haven't they? I'll

be back when the pub's closed.

We heard you come in. Come in the kitchen. We're having a word with you.

Come in the kitchen.

Right.

Now, what time do you call this?

Well, what's all the fuss about? I told you I was going out with Wilfred.

You said for a quick drink. The pub's closed at 11 o 'clock.

Well, I went back to his place, didn't I?

Oh, you didn't.

Well, I'm a bit too old for sitting on the grass.

Look at it, see it?

Ten to two.

You've got to swear it to death.

You've got a phone.

You've got to show a little consideration.

Oh, well, if that's your attitude, I'm going to bed.

Good night.

I need my sleep.

Oh, we need our sleep too, you know.

We've got to get up and go to work in the morning. Can't stay in bed like you,

you know. And I'm staying in bed in the morning because I'm going out again

tomorrow night.

Have you got the grub ready? Yeah, I've got some of the stew left from last

night. Yeah.

That's it. That's what I thought. That's why I bought these fish and chips for

us. Hallelujah.

You are rude. I spent all afternoon making a special custard to go with your

pudding. Yeah, well, never mind about that. Just bung them in the oven, warm

them up.

Here, is Mum good out yet?

No, she went out shopping this morning. She's been three hours getting ready

ever since. Oh, yeah. Has she made my bed? She hasn't even made her own.

Sure, I can see your vest.

What have you done to your hair?

You've dyed it.

No, I haven't. It's a wig.

It's what they call a fun wig.

Blimey. Fancy you kind of fool things like that. Fancy wasting your money.

I've got it with green stamps.

Well, doesn't it suit me?

Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.

Only Wilfred said he liked blondes.

He'll be here in a minute. Oh.

Oh, I haven't got me mascara on.

I'd better put a bit of this on, hadn't I?

Oh, blimey, I can't see without my glasses.

How the hell can you put mascara on with your glasses on?

How does Olive manage?

She does it. That's why she walks around with two black ear holes.

Oh, my goodness.

I'll just put a bit of perfume on. That's all right. That'll be all. Oh,

the sight of this place, Olive. You might have farted it up.

It's really gone all right. Oh, blimey.

Yeah, look at this ashtray, Olive. Get rid of this. There's a good girl. Oh,

right. Oh, I hope it doesn't move.

For God's sake, don't sneeze, anybody.

I'll get it. I can't wait to meet Romeo.

Oh, oh, me pension book.

Oh, well, you need... You see that?

Mum, for God's sake, stop fussing. Oh, love, look at your tie. Oh, it's all

crooked. And look at your hair.

Leave me alone, will you? Oh, my boy, you look nice, don't I? Do you, darling?

Yes, all right. Then I'll put a bit of sepia on your hair.

I'll put a little bit of mascara on it, if you like. Don't talk to me like that.

You're not too old to get a good clip around the ears. Well, I mean, he's

Oh, hello, Wilfred.

Oh, I must look a frightful mess.

I haven't really had time to get ready.

Of course.

Hello, mate. We love you. You look wonderful.

I like the way you've done your hair.

It must have taken you hours.

Oh, no.

You know my son, Stan?

Of course. Hello, mate.

Hello.

Funny thing, you know, I've been 30 years on the buses and I've never been a

conductor on Stan's bus. Oh.

You don't know how lucky you've been.

And my son -in -law, Arthur.

How do you do? Hello. And my little girl, Olive.

Oh.

Hello, love.

Well, you know what they say, a pretty mum has a pretty daughter.

Oh.

Mum's told us all about you, hasn't she, Arthur?

I am standing over here, you great woman.

Get your glasses back on.

Blair, that's right. I brought you a little something. You said you liked

centres. Oh.

Oh, yes, they're my favourite.

God, blimey, I'd sent it. Let's hope she's got her second set of forced teeth

with her.

Well, come on then, Mads, we'll have a quick drink in the pub. Oh, yes, well,

don't wait up for me, will you?

Bye -bye, children.

Have a nice time.

Come on, Dad.

Bye -bye,

children.

It's a wonder she didn't want to tuck me in bed with me teddy bear.

I think he's quite nice.

Don't you think Mum had a pretty daughter?

He's got something as well.

Yeah, same as you. Bad eyesight.

What's that smell?

Oh, the fish and chips.

What?

No,

thanks, Stevie.

Thanks, you've got him in there without taking the newspaper off. Well, that's

it, isn't it? That's the fish and chips gone.

Thank God she makes them custard.

I've got news for you, mate.

She used the custard to put out the fish and chips.

God blimey, she's murder, isn't it, eh?

Can't she ever do her own work?

This house is not worth living in since Mum went potty over that ponce.

I notice you let me do... a difficult part.

What are you talking about?

I did the washing.

It took me two hours to get your blue shirts clean.

You must have been cleaning your shoes with them or something.

Blue shirts? What blue shirts?

These blue shirts you've just ironed. They're not mine, mate. They must be

yours. They're not mine. You know, I haven't got any blue shirts.

They've got your monogram on here.

WP... WP?

Blimey! We've been laundering his shirts.

Oi!

without washing. How do I know?

Mum must have brought them up to do, I suppose.

God blimey. No wonder he's laughing his head off. Look at him.

Oh, God. Now I've pooped the cotton out again.

These darts too big for collars.

What's the matter with you?

Why don't you get on it to do it before you injure yourself or something?

You're quite right, mate.

This is not man's work.

Where's your mum this afternoon? Why isn't she doing the ironing?

Got the pictures with him, ain't she?

Here, why haven't you done the ironing? What have you been doing all day?

I've been all day doing upstairs.

Don't talk wet. I went up there. Our bed's not even made.

I did make it, Arthur. But I was so tired when I finished, I took a night

I can't sit and thread this needle.

Yeah, use me glasses.

Right.

Can't even see the needle.

Take a look.

Oh, there's the front door.

Mum, is that you?

Yes, Mum.

What have

you got on there?

That's old army greatcoat.

Oh, it's my new maxi. It's a present Wilfred thought would suit me.

You mean Dave bought it for you?

No, it's a present to meself.

Well, thank God, Jerome, it could do with some decent grub. Yeah, and there's

pile of iron in. Oh, I've only popped in for a minute. I'm going out again.

Wilfred's here.

Where's the iron? You don't need the coat.

No, it's cavalry style.

Do you like it?

Yeah, there's one for the horse under there and all.

Well, I did take it up a bit. I thought it was a bit on the long side.

Yeah, you frightened of tripping over?

No, love, I was afraid it wouldn't show me new boots.

Yeah, but it was Wilfred's idea.

Was it really?

Yeah.

It's a pity you didn't get them longer, innit?

Well, how do you mean?

Then you could have tucked your drawers in them.

Can I come and say hello to the children?

Oh, yeah. Don't bring him in here yet. I've got my teddy bear out.

Well,

And how's the happy family?

We've had a lovely day shopping, haven't we, Wilfred? Oh, we have, yes.

Why, you treasure.

You've done my shirts.

And beautifully ironed.

Oh, that deserves a kiss.

I did them.

I wouldn't own up to that, mate, in case he comes over and slobbers all over

you.

I'm very grateful for you doing my shirts.

You don't know what a difference it makes to me.

I mean, well, I lost my wife a couple of years ago.

And I... Well,

it's very difficult for a man to manage in the house.

We know. We're doing it.

Yeah, but you don't know what life would be like without your wife.

I've often thought about it.

You've got a very nice place here, Mads, you know. Yes, yes.

Little garden? Yes. Yeah, nice little garden.

You say you've got three bedrooms?

Yes, I've had this house for 30 years.

All paid for.

Is it really?

You know, you could do very well for yourself here, you know. You could let

a couple of those rooms and a fiver each.

And by the time you get your old age pension, not that you'll be needing that

for a long while yet, my love.

You could live very comfortable.

Oh, but I couldn't do that, Dove. I've got all the family living here.

Yeah, well, they won't be here for long. I mean, Arthur and Olive, they'll be

starting a family any time.

We've been married nine years, mate. All she's produced so far are chill planes.

Well, you want to take one of those fertility pills. You can have five in

go. Oh, no.

I don't want to have babies by taking pills. I want my husband to have

to do with it.

You don't only take the pills, you know.

Oh, come on then, lads. If we're going to bingo, we'd better get going. Oh,

I was forgetting, of course.

Just a minute, Ed. What are you doing? Oh, I'm just getting a bit of money,

dear. Here.

That's the housekeeping, isn't it? Yes, well, Wilfred came out without his

wallet. You were in such a hurry, weren't you, dear? Yes. Well, I knew I

meeting you.

Oh, done it, mate. You're sick.

Oh, I don't know, love. They came through the post. They haven't had time

look at them. I haven't had a minute.

Well, there you are, dear. Well, now we must be going.

Well, you can manage, can't you, children?

Oh, don't worry about them. They'll have to get used to managing.

Yes, well, come on then, love.

Well, let's go out the back way. Yes, I want to have a look at the garden. Oh,

yes, it's lovely out here.

Well, bye -bye.

God, blimey!

Do you see that?

Do you see the way he was casing the joint?

Counting out the lolly he was.

I told you he was a con man, didn't I?

The way he's got Marcia, she doesn't know whether she's coming or going.

He does. If he has his way, we'll be going and he'll be coming.

This is the final demand for the gas bill. Mum hasn't bothered to pay it.

When's the last day?

Today. They'll be coming to cut it off tomorrow.

Blimey, give me this here.

My bus price is this tomorrow morning. I'll nip in and pay it.

What do you think you're doing? It's a party, mate. Oh, bus stop.

Look, I've got to pay the gas bill. Pay the gas bill?

It won't be a second. I've got the money ready.

Go on.

Where do I pay the gas bill? On the first floor, sir. There's a lift just

up. Right, thanks.

It'll only be a few seconds.

You said that five minutes ago.

This meter says penalty.

We only just got here.

They all say.

You say that to the magistrate.

the hell have you been? I got stuck in that lift. I went up and down about 20

times.

We've had a woman traffic warden after us.

Don't tell me she gave you the ticket.

No. She gave us two.

One at each end.

All right. Come on, look.

They weren't anything.

Shit, you're being funny, mate.

It's the last we'll see of that.

and do some housework. Yeah, well, that'll have to wait. Look.

Butler!

Come on, Miss. She must have picked up those tickets.

Yeah, you should have done like James Bond and swallowed them.

Butler, this young lady has very kindly brought these to my attention.

Thank you very much, Miss.

You've made my day for me.

Butler, in all my 20 years on the buses, I've never yet heard of a bus getting a

parking ticket and you have to go out and get two at once.

Yeah, well, you know, Stanley always starts on a double.

I know you dawdled along the road, mate. I never know you went slow enough to

get a parking ticket.

What happened for God's sake? How did you manage to park the bus? What are you

doing? Well, I did, um... Call of Nature.

But you had no right to go in that one in the gas company office anyway.

I ain't no bad -ass shop steward. I'm here to tell you it's entirely user

convenience. That's a very long route we're on.

Three quarters of an hour at the cemetery gates.

Three quarters of an hour?

Well, you've got a weak bladder then, haven't you?

I'm sorry, butler, I have to take this to the general manager this time. Now,

Blake, you give us a break. Do us a willy, please. I'll tell you the truth.

I had to go in the gas company to pay the bill, otherwise they was going to

me gas off. I don't care what you have cut off, mate.

You're supposed to be running buses.

Look, the old lady does it as a rule, but she's gone potty lately. She's gone

crazy over some bloke.

Wouldn't surprise me if she got married again.

You're married?

Yeah. Your mother?

You'll have a new daddy, won't you?

Shut up.

You'd better not be a naughty boy in future, mate. Your new daddy will be

you across his knee, won't he?

Here. While you're at it, you go and see your new daddy and ask him for an

advance on your pocket money, will you? To pay your parking fines.

Who is the lucky fellow, anyway?

He must be a very brave man if he takes on a woman with a son like you, I must

say. That's right from this depot. Old Wilf on the number nines.

Philip Phillips? Yeah, that's him.

Well, I hope he's got his wife's permission to get married.

What?

He ain't got a wife.

Well, he better have had one, mate.

He's been claiming for her on his income tax. I know. I have to check the code

number. He's been married 20 years to my knowledge.

Of course, he's not living with her, I know, but...

What a two -time interesting... I told Harper he was after our house.

Here's another thing.

Listen, if he's already married, he can't marry her.

We know about that, mate.

We've got fellas here who've got four wives.

Yeah?

Mind you, they're all Muslims.

Four wives, eh?

What a lovely job. Full employment and guaranteed overtime.

God,

wait till I get home and tell them, eh, mate?

Oh, dear.

Blakely, I'll forgive you anything.

It's all right. Mind you, I don't know how the old lady's going to take it.

Well, I suppose you'd better fork out for those fines.

No, that's all right, son. You don't have to pay me, no.

What do you mean? The company's going to pay them?

No. I mean the company will stop it out your wages on Friday.

Well, of course, I always knew he was a rogue.

Well, that's your own fault, my old darling, isn't it? Why did you go out

him? Well, love, when you haven't been out with anyone for 20 years, you can't

be very choosy.

And you can't even be careful.

And he was ever so generous, Stan.

If ever I saw anything in a shop I liked, he said I could buy it.

Here, Arthur, how do I look in Mum's coat?

Like an elephant on stilts.

You're not wearing that if you want to save money to me.

Why not?

It's very nice in winter.

Better in summer you stick a pole in it, we all go camping. Get it on.

No, no, no, no. I'll tell you what you want to do, love.

Look, you want to put a bit of fur around the bottom, then you can sweep

floor up as you walk in and out.

Well, that'll be a change anyway.

I shall have to take it up a bit because it covers all my ankles.

Oh, I shouldn't do that. That's the best part of it.

Oh.

I'm saying, you know that Wilk was a terrible liar?

Was he?

Yes. He said that coat suited me and I fell for it.

You don't have to worry, love.

I did his washing.

I did his ironing. Oh, well, at least he did one good thing for me. Now I know

you can do it. I won't have to work so hard in future.

OK.

Now, when I was thinking, he did say I could let a couple of the rooms for five

pounds each.

So I think you could give me a bit more on the housekeeping.

Oh, you'll be lucky.

Well, you could always leave.

I'm not too old to live in sin.