Original subtitles

How do you do?

What are we having for supper?

Consomme or socks?

That's Stan's beer. He's brewing up the hops.

Blimey, you're not on that lark, are you?

Ain't a do -it -yourself beer, King.

You can scoff, mate. I'll tell you something. I'll make a bit of a tapas

your pint.

Just think how much lolly I saved, Mum.

What are you going to do with all the money you saved, Stan?

Spend it in a boozer, if I know it.

Home -brewed beers and stouts.

Excellent results can be achieved by any man of average intelligence.

Well, that lets you out, doesn't it? I want to check to see if I've put

everything in right.

Now then, I've put in the hops, I've put in the malt extract, and I've put in

the sugar.

Hey, hey, hey. What?

Plaster of Paris.

Are you doing home decorating as well?

You put that in the beer, eh?

Plaster of Paris in beer? That can't be right.

It is, Mum, yeah.

It says here.

Here we are, here we are. Look, if you happen to live in a soft water district,

you've got to put some plaster of Paris in it.

But it'll go all hard inside you.

Of course it won't. It's just to make the water hard.

We'll all get furred up inside.

I've never heard anything so stupid than what you want to harden a water for.

Soft water happens to be rather pleasant and has got beneficial qualities.

Oh, yes, I've found it gives me a very nice complexion.

Water around here can't be as soft as I thought.

It's a well... known fact, Arthur, that soft water gives you a nice complexion

and hard water gives you good teeth.

Yeah, well, I can only presume that you wash your teeth in one place and they're

facing another.

Right,

here we are.

Pat, mate, me table, me table. It's all right. I've got the mat down, haven't I?

Right, that's it.

All we've got to do now is strain the ox and finish up the beer.

I'd rather have a nice bottle of port. Well, we can make you some port and all,

Mum, if you like.

Yeah. If this is successful, I will. The only difference is, you see, instead of

using locks, you use grapes.

But don't they have to be squeezed?

Oh, I'd help you do that.

The mind boggles every time you go up to the bathroom and there's Olive standing

there with her dress tucked in her knickers in the bath, treading grapes.

I wonder if it'd be good for her chill blades.

Oh, what's funny about that? They all do that in Italy.

Yeah, you ought to go to Italy, love, and make a fortune with the size of your

feet.

Now, here, do they really make wine like that in Italy?

Of course they do. That's what gives it its individual bouquet.

Well, if that's how they make wine in Italy, I'm glad my bottle of port comes

from Algiers.

They don't have no women treading grapes there, do they?

No. Use donkeys.

Oh, what a thing to say.

Now, every time I have a glass of port, I shall be thinking of donkeys and

wandering.

We're finished with the hops.

Oh, don't they have to go in the beer? No, no, no. You only use the brown juice

you get from them, then you throw the hops away.

Just like making centipod.

What is beer? You won't be able to taste the difference.

In fact, you might be better off with centipod.

Right, now then, where's that bucket of water I got? Here you are, love. Now

this, you see, you add this juice to this water.

Yes. Like that, you see.

This is a real start. Oh.

That's the idea, see? Right, got that bit?

Now, you put in the yeast like that, see?

Now, after you've done this, you've got to wrap it up, keep it warm, and in four

days' time, you've got two gallons of best bitter.

Ooh, I love that! That's it.

What are you going to do? Wrap this round, that's all good. Hey, what do you

think you're doing? That's the idea down off my bed.

It won't hurt.

If you get cold feet, you can stick them on olive.

do? I've got another shift. Have you forgotten?

The four days is up. The beer.

It's fermented.

It's ready.

Shift all that stuff over there. Get some glasses out.

Arthur, get that stuff out of it, mate.

Get out of there.

Will it be all right?

Of course it'll be all right. You got the glasses?

Mind that, mind that, mind that.

Right.

It's underneath that stuff.

Well, how do you get to it? Drill for it?

Shut your face. Of course you don't. That's under your yeast on top. No, you

skim it off.

Well, you want to see some of these breweries?

Blimey, they get barrels and barrels full of it.

It's like quater mass.

What? Oh, Stan.

Errol, if you have that, take it.

Like that in there.

What are you going to do with it?

Yes. Just a little taste, that's all.

You all right? Thank you. Want a drop more? Give you a drop more if you want

Yes. It's only a taste. Do you know what I mean?

Here, Mum. I'll try it. Yeah, all right.

Oh, no.

Don't let me say it. It's all right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Right, now my one.

Well,

yes. Well, it should be all right.

I made it myself, didn't I?

Well,

I'm going to taste it then.

Ian, aren't you going to do it like they do it on the telly? What? Well, they

take a swig, swill it round three times in their mouth and spit it out.

You'll spit it out, all right.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Hey,

this is good. Eh?

Yeah. Pity they don't sell it like this in the pubs.

Not until they find the antidote.

It's that marvelous you have it, mate. All right, I will, I will, I will.

God, it's marvelous.

It's a pity they don't sell it like this in the pubs. Yeah, well, it's against

the law. The health department would allow it.

Well, go on, Mum, knock it back.

Well, no, I don't think I will, love. I think I'll leave my aunt a little bit

later. Yeah, but you'll go flat.

Eh? Never mind, I'll down it for you.

I'll drive you back tonight.

Will you stop nagging?

Blimey, I've only had a little drop, haven't I? Besides, I'm not due out for

over an hour yet. Right,

what are yours, Olive? Oh, no, you're not having mine.

You're not drinking it.

No, I'm going to wash my hair with it.

Beer shampoo's very good for your hair.

You put that in your head, your hair will fall out, mate.

Is that how you lost yours?

Right, I'm going now, Mum. Oh, no, love, you can't go without something to eat.

You've had all this beer on an empty stomach.

Look, will you listen to me? I had one of her pies at lunchtime, didn't I?

You know her pastry? Blimey, that'll be there for the next fortnight.

Oh, Mum, Mum, by the way, put the lid on the beer. I'll bottle it up when I come

home. I know, love. Here, wash these glasses up. There's a good girl.

Here, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Might as well just see what it does taste of.

Oh, blimey, I never knew he'd make it taste like that.

What does it taste like?

Beer.

It was half strong, though.

I bet he never tested its gravity. Where's that hydrometer?

Here we are.

What does that thing do?

It floats on the top of the beer.

The lower down it floats, the stronger it is. It should stay three inches above

the top.

And he knocked an old in the bottom.

Yeah, that stuff's a lot stronger than Stan thinks, you know. I don't know what

it's done to Stan, but it's taken all the varnish off me table.

Hey, Torby. Yeah. You see Stan?

No, mate. Oh, he's like the inspector's going barmy.

Well, he's barmy anyway, isn't he?

Now, get on that bus with you out. Right, then.

Not in there. Come here.

You're driving, remember?

Oh, no, I don't like it up in the front.

I'm lonely up there. I want to get inside with you. Come on.

Have you been drinking?

No, of course I ain't. Why?

You're drunk.

You're as plastered as a newt.

No, don't be angry with me, Jack. No, Jack. No, don't be angry with me.

Give us a smile, go on.

No, go on, give us a smile. Listen, has anybody ever told you you've got a

lovely smile and you've got lovely teeth, you show them beautifully when

smile?

Come on, mate.

Reminds me of also once knew.

How much beer have you had?

You're in no condition to drive a bus.

Here, listen, I'll tell you something. I'll fit for anything now, mate. Don't

you talk to me like that. Hello, Jack.

I thought you were the quiet one.

Well, I'll show you whether I'm the quiet one or not.

Put that girl down. What do you think you're doing? Put her down.

Well, I see you're a bit... Them miniskirts have gone to your head,

they? Can't be daft. I don't wear them.

Father, do you really...

A busman can be suspended for interfering with a clippy like that?

God, blimey, if he did that, there wouldn't be a bus left on the road.

Oh,

cheeky death!

I think you know a lot. That was indecent.

That wasn't indecent.

It would have been only a ticket machine got in the way.

You've gone mad, haven't you?

I'll come back to report this.

Do you know what, Blakey? I'll tell you something, mate.

I love you when you're angry.

Because your eyes sparkle.

And you almost start bristles.

And I tell you what, you should shave it off because it hides your temples.

You've been drinking, butler.

You're drunk, aren't you?

Do you realise what this means?

You've signed on for duty while you're under the influence of alcohol, aren't

you? This could mean dismissal. Hang around. As shops do, I cannot allow you

make unsubstantiated, slanderous allegations about one of our members.

You cannot prove that he is intoxicated.

No, but I soon will do.

Hang about.

I'll get the company doctor to give you a breathalyser test.

You get the breathalyser.

I'm not frightened of the breathalyser.

We'll see about that, mate.

I've got you, Butler.

Remember, you sign on the duty. Now, don't leave the depot, mate.

I've been waiting years for this.

You idiot, you've done it now, haven't you? Come on, we'll get you out of the

canteen.

Hey,

fellas, here!

Listen, Chalky, get a cure, quick.

It's all right, fellas, there's not one too many. Come on, sit down here.

All right, here, come on, sit down, behave yourself.

Hurry up, Chalky.

Here you are, sir. Get that down here, mashed potato.

It'll get rid of the alcohol.

You sure it'll work? Yeah, I saw it on the telly when the breathalyzer first

came out.

Mashed potatoes, sop up the alcohol.

Shall I? Yeah, come on, get it down here.

Come on!

I can't make it. No, you need a bigger spoon.

Chalk it out!

Love it, that's it.

Here you are.

Use this saucer.

I didn't think one plate is supposed to get rid of all that food. It doesn't.

You need three at least. Here you are.

Oh, get it down, yeah.

I can't manage it.

Get it down, yeah. Don't argue. Thanks, Chalky. I mentioned it to the Queen.

You'll probably get the OBE. Thanks, mate.

Can't manage it.

Come on, get it down, yeah.

No, don't want it.

Sorry, I feel sick.

That's very good. Now, that's the best cure of the lot.

Look, I'll tell you what. If the quack wants a sample off you, give it to him

from your big toe.

It's got further to go down there. There'll be less alcohol.

I bet you haven't got longer legs.

I've been searching a debt loop for you.

I've had a word with the general manager, and he agrees with me that in

interest of the safety of the general public, you should be requested to take

breathalyser test. Come in my office.

Shop steward, I'm here to tell you a doctor should be present.

Doctor?

Well, I'm afraid he's not available.

I don't know where he is. Yeah, well, I do. It's quarter to six. He'll be over

at the boozer getting sloshed.

We'll just go over there and have a look.

Hold on a minute.

You don't need a doctor. That's only for when there's a blood test.

Come on, we'll have it in the general manager's office.

We all know the intimidation that goes on behind locked doors. We'll do it here

in front of impartial witnesses. Right, fellas, gather round. All right, we'll

do it in front of witnesses. It don't matter where you do it, mate. If them

crystals in there turn green, you're going to get the sack.

Right. You're blowing this little bag. Just a minute, just a minute. As shop

steward, I must have a private word with Brother Stanley R and inform him of his

rights. Oh, our rights. All right, go and have your mother's meeting and go

All right, let us convene. We're going to convene. Come here.

Jack, listen, what rights have I got? None. You've got to blow in the tube.

Do you think you can turn it green?

Blimey, the way you've been acting, mate, the glass will probably melt.

That means I'll get the sack.

What am I going to do?

Look, I have heard that if you've got a mouthful of smoke when you're blowing

the tube, it mucks up the test, see?

He won't let me smoke.

No, but he can't stop me.

Look, just before you're blowing the tube, turn around and I'll give you a

drag, right?

Oh, you're clever, Jack, aren't you?

I love you, Jack. Yeah, yeah, well, do that harder. Come on.

Right, fully com...

Stand up, will you?

Fully convinced of his innocence and that he has been unjustly slandered,

Brother Stanier has agreed to take the test.

All right, blow in there, then.

Now, just a minute. No, I've got to clear my throat.

Clear your throat.

You've got to blow in it, not play on it.

I mean, fertilise a lot of bagpipes.

You'll have to excuse me anyway.

Ready?

Now you blow in there.

Now, hold it a minute.

If them crystals in there, if them crystals in there, the other

side of that yellow line, turn green, then you're going to get the sack, mate.

But they will. Right then. Now blow in there.

I'll time you on me. Hold it. Hold on.

You're mucking me about, aren't you?

It won't do you any good, you know, but hold it.

Right then.

Now then, hold on.

You've got to give one continuous blow.

Right? Not less than ten seconds and not more than twenty.

Now time me on it. Hold it a minute.

Now wait till the minute hand comes out of it. Hold it, hold it.

Here it comes.

Wait.

Now it's gone past, hasn't it?

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten.

That's enough.

Well,

that's extraordinary. Look at that, look.

It's got all cloudy.

Have you been drinking ammonia?

That's not alcohol. He's got a fever. His breast's steamed up to bag.

Hang about.

It's changing colour.

Is your coat green?

No. It's going brown.

That's funny. There's nothing in the instructions about it turning brown.

I've been drinking for quite some time.

Cocoa.

Yeah, it's canteen cocoa. That's why I feel ill.

Yeah, I feel ill.

He looks a bit green to me.

Yeah, that's a reflection off his face. I've told you he's not well.

I'm not well, he said. I'm not well.

Yeah, he does look a bit more repulsive than usual, doesn't he?

Oh, well, he says you're not drunk. You're not drunk, mate. You must be ill,

suppose. Oh, sir, I'm not ill. I'm ill. Oh, well, if you're ill, you'd better go

home out of it, ain't you? We can't have you in a depot if you're ill, can we?

Take him home out of it. Take the rest of the day off. I appreciate it.

I'll let you know.

Go home out of it.

You can both do a double shift tomorrow.

Come here, Jack.

Oh, it's taken two hours to sober you up.

I've been round the park ten times. Oh, boy, no wonder I was cold.

Mind you, I feel better now. Yeah, well, I feel half dead.

Here, where's that beer you made? I'd like a sample of that to see where you

went wrong.

Is it on the table here?

I did what he said. Well, I thought... A rotten lot.

They've chucked it all down a sink.

It's a wonder the drains haven't blown up.

I haven't chucked it down the sink.

I... I... I... I had... What's the matter?

I had a drop of that beer, and that's very good. Yeah, I can see that, yeah. I

just wondered if I could have another drop. No, you're too late, mate. Look.

See? It's empty.

Got it? Look. I'll show you. Look.

You've drunk the lot!

No. No, not me.

Mum and Olive.

I was just going to bed anyway.

You'll never make it.

Your sister, she's a bit of all right, you know.

Oh, bloody, must be drunk.

Oh, sir, you always was my hero.

Hello, my little pigeon.

I thought I heard you coming.

I've been keeping your supper hot for you. Oh, bloody, she's more drunk than I

am.

I had a little drop of your lovely...

I thought I'd have a little bit more. Just a little bit.

What's happened to the bucket? It's at the wrong wine, Mum, you see. And it's

none in it. It's empty.

It's all gone.

All gone.

Did it get spilled?

Not a drop by the look of it.

I'll get you some lovely hot tomato soup.

Just a minute. I've had it boiling up here.

for my little boy.

Look at this lovely soup.

Have a little bit of that soup. Would you like some of this lovely soup? I

it specially for him.

I don't think I will, Mrs. B. I've got enough down my trousers.

A little bit. Now, I'll get you something to clean yourself off with.

shirt! Give it!

Mum, you go to bed. Go on. My little baby.

Mummy's baby.

Mommy's going up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

You've got enough for another eight gallons, yeah?

I'm not making any more of that stuff, after what it's done to them.

Did you see the way Olive looked at Arthur?

Blimey, she'll kill him!

Well, I was just wondering, I mean, if it'll do that for her, think what it'll

do for the Clippies.