Original subtitles

On the Buses, Part 1, Production Number 0277, Take 1.

Come on, Mum.

Mum?

God, blimey, where's everybody?

Mum! Olive, where are you?

We're out here in the shed.

What are you doing out in the shed?

Come and have a look.

Where's Martina?

What's this then?

That's mine.

Yes, Arthur's just brought it home and it's wonderful.

Who gave it you?

He bought it.

Get out of here.

No, this... Do you mean to say you paid money for this old crate?

I kept using it to go to work.

Oh, blimey. I can see you tearing down a road at about ten miles an hour.

Yeah, well, that would still be nine miles an hour faster than your buses,

wouldn't it?

I want to be fair. Good idea to have on a sidecar.

Yeah, well, I thought it would be rather useful to be able to carry two

passengers. Yeah.

You'd need two people to push it.

I thought it'd be pleasant to be able to take your modern on it for trips in the

country. You must be off your rocker, the old girl called Travelling Nat. Why

can't I?

Your poor old dad had one just like this. Often used to go for rides in it.

bought it in 1922.

Did he? Yes.

Well, the look of it could be the same one.

There is no need to be insulting.

Never mind, love.

1922 was a very good year for motorcycles.

I only wish your poor old dad could see me going in it now.

Blimey, one ride in that and you'll be up there to tell him.

Here, come and try the side carpet.

Come on, in you get.

There we are.

Is it safe?

Yeah, well, it is, providing you get out before he starts it up.

Oh, come on, you can't get in there.

Look, when I was caught in your dad, two of us got in one this side.

Two? Yeah.

We couldn't afford the back row of the pictures in them days.

I remember him whopping once. Oh, yeah.

Hey,

look, Mark. You'll be safe enough. There's a good safety strap there. Oh,

that's very necessary.

Looks a good one to offer, yeah. Tested a 10 tonne of braking strength. Very

strong one. Very good, yeah.

Oh, yeah, well.

Yeah, well, I'll have to fix that, won't I? Yeah. Oh, it's perfect, Mark. You be

quicker from up and get out. Aye. You should go straight through the

Well, it won't take you a week.

God, look at that. Look at the tyre.

You're getting too fat.

She was all right before she married you.

Now she doesn't exercise enough.

She doesn't do anything enough.

You're always too tired. Oh, shit.

Come on, love. Let's go and get the dinner on our way back.

Always the same, isn't it? You try and please people.

Oh, blimey. What's this?

I didn't know you collected antiques. I'd never seen one of these before.

Where's the handbook? You'll find it in the British Museum.

Why don't you two shut up?

Nothing wrong with this. Get out of the way. Good engine.

Nice, quiet rudder. Oh, go on then. Start it up. All right.

Blimey, his watch is making more noise than the engine.

Why don't you two shut up? I don't know what's wrong with it. It was all right

when I started it before.

Come out of it. You're doing it all wrong.

Little jerks like that. You've got to get it right at the top of the stroke.

All right, all right. And look, right at the top of the stroke, like that, and a

big, hard push down, like... Oh, no!

Oh, no!

He's broken it!

What, his toe?

No, the start!

I don't make them like that these days. I don't make them break off like that

these days either. Well, you broke it, mate. You fix it.

Well, it's easy enough. It's only a couple of bolts. No, that's sheared off.

You'll have to strip your gearbox down.

All right.

Get the tools out of it.

They came with the bike. Oh, did they? Right, that's it.

You got the right spanner.

Spanner? You're joking.

You know what he's got in here? Look at that. A bent knitting needle.

And a rusty safety pin.

Half a tube of dried -up glue.

Look at this.

Some rubber bands, mate.

Well, now we know what's holding the bike together, don't we?

I can't fix it without tools.

Well, I'm not buying new tools, mate. You broke it, you buy the tools.

I don't have to buy tools, though, do I?

I'm a busman and I work at your garage. You'll get in trouble, mate, if they see

you taking tools out of the garage.

Yeah, but they won't see us taking tools out of the garage, will they? Got it?

Oh, right.

Did you get them?

Yeah, I didn't know what size to get, see, so I had a word with Joe, and he

me, he's given his couple here, said they'll undo any size nut I've got.

Cop.

You're supposed to be mending a motorbike, not a QE2.

That's all he can let me have. Well, let's not argue.

I said I'd slip these two up and down the road, so give us a month up on the

cab, will you? Yeah, right.

Go on, then. Here you go.

Oh, my God, yeah!

It's sticking into my ribs!

It's monkey, ready to slip down my leg now.

Oh, oh. Have you hurt yourself?

No, I'm half cold.

Take it easy. Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's it. Get it for him.

That's it.

Come on.

Right.

Oh.

Well, it was there.

It's the 10 .30 at the cemetery gates that I thought I'd get in, you know.

just think about getting out again.

There's your bus over there, the 10 .22.

Nobody told us.

Well, get over in the other bus, go on.

Oh, yeah. You know.

He's feeling his age.

Oh, you busmen are unhealthy lot, you know. Yeah.

Don't you ever think about keeping your bodies in condition?

Oh, I'm getting that bus out of it. Go on.

What's wrong with you, then?

I've got a touch of the cramp, you know. It's sitting in the cab all day that

does it, you know.

Cramp? You've got bad circulation, mate. Yeah.

Well, it's all right, don't worry. No, it's not all right.

If that leg's not functioning properly, you're not fit.

It's all right. I can drive the bus, all right.

Drive the bus, all right.

You're not even fit to be a passenger in a bus.

You get that leg functioning properly.

What you need is a bit of massage.

That's right.

If it just so happens I know what I'm talking about.

I made a study of the subject.

The spasm in that leg muscle needs to be relieved.

Here, let me have a go.

I was merely going to massage your biceps femoris. That's all. Yeah, you

that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm top steward. I know the rules.

Inspectors are not allowed to lay hands on busmen. Yeah. Well, what rule is that

then, McGord? Section 8, Appendix B.

Well, that's a rule that states that an inspector must not get unduly familiar

with the clippers and that. Yeah, well, that applies even more so to busmen.

Twit.

There's only one thing for it. You'll have to do a bit of exercise.

Here, watch this.

right from the cemetery gates, not fly it here.

I learned this when I was in the army.

I used to have men suffering with cramp under me when they were in on

manoeuvres. Here, watch this one, look.

Oh, yeah?

What regiment were you in? The tiller guys?

This is scientific, mate.

Relaxes the neck muscles. Look at that.

Look like he's doing a can -can.

That's very good, bravo!

Now lift your skirt up and show us your knickers.

Now, look here.

I'm not having him driving that bus unless I'm satisfied that that leg is

functioning properly.

Now, come on. Let's have a look at it. Lift it up.

Come on. Lift it up. I'll tell you it's a crap.

I can't lift it any harder. Lift it up, then. Look.

I've got it. That's as old as I can get it. Oh, blimey. You are a feeble

specimen, honestly.

Straighten yourself up, man.

Grab her chest out. Come on.

What's the matter with you? You're all tensed up. Relax yourself. Relax.

You must have caught your hand on the buckle of my belt.

Belt? Yeah.

Felt like a bit of cast iron.

That's ridiculous. Look, I'll tell you, the only way to do it, Jack, is give me

a walk up and down the back of the shed. It'll take me, I suppose, in the words

he calls it. Yes, we'll hurry up back. You're late enough as it is.

You'll be all right.

The cold accomplish on it.

Ah,

there you are.

That's got rid of them.

That's it, isn't it? Amazing.

Here one minute and gone to the next. That's it. Look at that.

Turn that bus out of it.

Excuse me.

Oi!

What's up with you, then? I've got conductor's crap. Oh.

Put it back again in, what, under half an hour or however?

Oh, it's working then.

That is not what he said.

You can keep your sarcastic remarks to yourself. Now, start it up.

All right, all right. Get out of the way. Come on, get out of there,

Let's see what the magician's done this time.

Right.

half a run's your over.

Oh, he wouldn't do that, would you, love?

I might not be able to help myself.

Stick it in gear. Stick it in gear.

Stick it.

Stick it. Get it.

That's it. Right, let the clutch out. Let the clutch out.

I've let the clutch out and the gear's stuck. Well, it's not stuck. I've

tightened it up a little bit. Get your foot off. Give it a good kick there,

right? That's it. Right, down it. Down it. Let the clutch out and straight out

the shed you go. Right.

I think I'll put the gearbox in back the front.

You get that gearbox done before I do you. Get it done, what's the matter with

you?

I think it'll be a lot quicker though, Arthur. I tell you what, if I take the

seat, put it up this end and get the handlebar...

Well, that's a great improvement.

It went forward that time. But what did you expect?

Well, another dose of your expert attention. I thought it might go

Can you take me and Mum for a ride, then? Yep.

I've got some crash helmets. Picked them up second -hand. There we are.

Oh, look, Mum. They've got all names written on them.

Here, Arthur, which am I?

Sexy Kid or Randy Racer?

Well, I don't think either of them fit.

You ought to have got one on, if so.

Yeah, well, I'm...

Oh, never mind.

I'll have this one. Here, Mum, you be the sexy kid.

Well, I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea, lad.

These are made in Japan.

A bit small, are they?

Of course they are.

All Japanese have got small bonces.

They must be very safe.

I mean, they cover your eyes as well.

Of course, you can't see any semen or nothing.

You have got them on the wrong way round. The big one is olive.

What do you say, then?

Hey, give that to me. That's mine.

That's a good bit of gear, aren't we?

Mr.

Hot Pants!

Is that you?

Oh, blimey, you've cooled off lately, haven't you?

Give it here. I'm going to rub that rubbish off. No, don't rub it off.

smashing picture of you here, aren't there?

It's not a bit hot, your love.

Look, if we're going out, let's go and have a good time here.

You get on, Olive, and I'll give you a push out the shed, Arthur. All right,

thank you.

All right.

Is that all right?

Yeah.

It's only one thing.

You're covering up the real light.

All right, now, get up. Go on, get up. Throw up to Arthur there. Go on. Oh,

have to snuggle up tight.

Oh, Arthur, this is the way we snuggle up in bed at night. Aye.

Yeah, but you're sloting down my left ear hole.

I should wear a crash helmet in bed.

the thing now. Here, have we got any passages on our bus?

No, what?

Well, I've got a good idea.

No, it'll work this time.

I wonder what brilliance he's passing through his mind now.

Come on, jump on.

was worse than ever. There's a shocking clatter coming from the back, you know.

Yes, I heard that too. Yeah.

We'll have to get that fixed, you know. Yeah, get it round to maintenance.

I've just about had a bellyful of you, mate.

I've just about had enough of you.

Where'd you get them from?

Where'd I get them from?

They was tied on the back of your bus, weren't they?

I thought you told me. I don't know. You've been trailing it all over the

I've had telephone calls all day. long about this.

How'd he get there?

We don't know.

You'd better give me an explanation of this. Oh, there's a perfectly simple

explanation, isn't there?

You tell him.

Well, yeah, well, what... Ah, yes, what happened was this, you see, this fellow

got on the bus, I think he was an old -time sailor, actually, and I must

I was moving down the high street a bit. I suppose he got a bit windy and he

chucked that out as a sort of second anchor.

Twit!

The way you drive, mate, that'd be perfectly possible.

But it just so happens that that is a pair of vandals, not a blooming sheet

anchor. He's right, you know.

Come on, let's have an explanation. Otherwise you're going to get dragged up

front of the general manager. Well, look, I expect some kid tied it on the

when we stopped.

I tell you what, give it to me, I'll get rid of them for you. Hold it, hold it.

general manager's office until some idiot comes to claim it.

Well, there are the handlebars.

I wonder how they're getting on with the rest of the bike.

I don't think my old feet will ever get back to normal.

Well, it's your fault, isn't it?

for you to push it up the hill. I told you I was perfectly willing to do it on

my own.

I didn't want my husband to get a rupture.

I don't think that would have affected you in any way.

Oh, yes, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, well, you made it home all right then.

Yeah.

Hello.

What's up with you two?

What's up with us two? We had to push the bike five miles home.

Well, why don't you take it to a garage and get it fixed?

Because you had the...

sitting there all on me own with me hands stuck out in the air looking like

twit.

You don't have to have your hands stuck out in me now to look a twit.

Besides, we had it arranged. If anything went wrong, you was to blow on the UTA.

Now then, what happened?

The UTA was on the handlebars.

Where are they?

Well, that's something I've got to tell you. You see, the inspector found a man

on the back of the bus and, well, he's compounded him to somebody.

Comes and collects them.

Indeed. Right.

Well, I shall go and claim them then, mate. Don't you dare. Hey! Hey!

Well, I'm telling you, mate, don't you go down that garage. Blimey, if he

I've towed your bike on the back of my bus, I'll get the bullet.

I can't help that, mate.

You have broken my handlebars off. I intend to go and get them. You get out

the way. Now, listen. No, no, no. I'm telling you.

I didn't mean to say.

You do somebody a favour and they want to go to the garage and put the boot in

for you. Is that what it was? Was it a favour you did me? You broke the animals

off my bike. I'm going to get them.

You get down to the garage, mate. I'll break more than that. You and who else?

Me by myself.

I'll flatten you, mate. Only when you're driving your bus.

Even at a set of animals, it costs a fiver. Now, either you hand over a fiver

I go and see that inspector of yours.

Oh, that's blackmail.

That is blackmail!

You're quite right. Hand it over.

I've got an alternative, have I? No, you haven't. You're a right and you are.

Well, have you noticed?

This happens to be my last fiver.

Rotten thing. I was going to take a bird out with that tonight.

You'll have me in tears, mate.

Anyway, keep me out of mischief.

Never mind about the bird.

You strip down my gearbox instead.

I shall now get you out of here.

Ain't it marvellous? You help somebody and what do you get? None of my

frustration. Oh, really?

Ruddy boy.

What do you want to buy the blasted thing for?