Original subtitles

Number one, production number 0276, VTR 10569, part one, take one.

Hey. Hello, Bubby.

Here, stick this inside, will you?

That's it.

Watch it!

Blowing his eggs in there.

Look, you're late.

Get in that cab.

Look, I got here seven minutes early to do that shopping. Yeah, well, now we're

eight minutes late.

You're a lousy shopper. Get in that cab.

Darby, what's up now? Forgot my stamp.

You didn't let that bloke put his case on my shopping, did you? Look, I've had

hundreds of passengers on and off this bus. I haven't had a time to keep an eye

on your frozen veg.

You shouldn't put your shopping on the bus.

Look, I've told you before, I've got the old lady and Olive down with a flu.

Blimey, somebody's got to do it, haven't they? Yeah.

Well, then.

Oh, no.

Oh. You numbing idiot. I couldn't help it. Here, watch it. Here comes the good

start, mate.

Later again, butler. Yeah. Watch it this time, mate.

No, what is it?

What's that?

That is... Yeah.

You had livestock on a bus, haven't you? It's just the appropriate... Egg? Yeah.

I can see it's an egg. How did it get down there?

Well, did you know? We've got N on top.

Sweet.

There's another one.

Where are they all coming from?

Oh, come on, give us a chance. Come to my shopping. Come on, don't... Your

shopping? Yeah. You know the regulations, butler. What? Eh?

I don't know yours.

Oh, God, Eddie.

Might be a passenger.

Yeah. Passenger might lay that on the seat.

I know the rules.

I should hang that into the lost property. You do that. If nobody claims

three months, it's yours.

Well, you sure I don't think I'll be fool enough to go and collect it, do

After three months, you wouldn't have to. He'd have come and collect you.

Oh, poo.

Poo, mate.

The smell of that one down there, you won't have to wait three months.

He's right, you know, it's well off.

Well, blimey, that's a little bit neat. I paid six bob a dozen for those eggs.

They told me they were farm fresh.

Farm fresh?

Smells like a farmyard.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, mate. Look, you can see they've got the feathers on

them. Look. You ignorant moron. They're duck's feathers.

Probably stuck on with fish glue.

And don't let me catch you using the bus to carry your personal effects, either.

I can't help it. I've got them all down with the fluotone.

Yeah, they'll all be down with food poisoning when they get that lot down,

Here you are.

You might as well go home and do your arse work.

Little mother.

I ain't doing that. My brother -in -law's doing that.

I bet you didn't send him to go do the shopping for you.

Farm fresh.

Poo.

Poo.

Oi!

When you stand still, you make a puddle.

Come on. Come on. Get some sawdust and clean that lot up. What?

You must be joking.

Well, you won't be joking, mate, if somebody comes round here and slips over

bakes their neck on it. Yeah? You try it and see.

And listen, I've got the shopping.

Did you get me pink stamps?

Uh, yeah.

I, uh... Yeah, I've got your stamps here.

And, uh...

the shopping, mate.

Take your filthy feet off that floor.

And watch where you're putting that shopping.

I've had to clean everywhere.

And what are you doing home so late? Have you been drinking with Jack again?

Of course I ain't. No, we're running late.

I haven't stopped since I came in from work.

You left this place looking like a pigsty.

I get free breakfast this morning. That's a lot of grub. Yeah, I know. Most

it's on this pan.

That should come up, mate.

Because that happens to be a non -stick pan.

It hasn't been stuck on, mate. It's been welded on.

You look cute in your rubber gloves.

You may scoff, mate, but I do not intend getting my hands rough.

Keep them nice and smooth, mate.

They'll match the top of your head.

Here. Look at that. What? I can see my face in there. God blimey, you're a

glutton for punishment, aren't you?

Listen, have you given the old lady her medicine?

I have not had time. Oh, blimey, what's up?

I mean, after all, she's had the flu. I mean, it's left her very weak, you know.

Dad!

Dad!

Daddy!

Can I have my tonic?

I don't think I'll give her any.

Blimey, she'll have that broom stick right through the ceiling.

She's getting weaker, mate. Half an hour ago, she did.

Oh, blimey, she's getting better, mate.

Here, I've left this pad for you.

I've got one of my headaches coming on. Yeah, well, I'll do some of this

shopping, mate.

I'll do this shopping.

And what... what is that? That's the butter.

Isn't it marvellous, eh?

They bring that 13 ,000 miles all the way from New Zealand in perfect

You can't bring it half a mile from a shop.

Ah, got too hot on the bus, I expect.

You get any fruit for the invalids?

Yeah, yeah, I've got some grapes.

Run and eat potatoes.

What do you put them under the potatoes for?

Because I bought them first.

You put fragile things on top, mate.

Blimey, I put the eggs on top and they got broke.

And what do you buy an empty carton for? It wasn't empty. That was the yoghurt.

And what's this?

Ah, that's some tapioca. The doctor said Mum could have some tapioca. She likes

it. It's her favourite.

Here, I bet she thinks I forgot it.

You must have very hot hands.

I'm going to do it in this, Arthur.

Hey, hey, hey, no.

Put it in, Grandad. Don't clean that one.

How about this, Grandad? That one took the answer now.

Well, give us the catch bowl. I'll do it in that.

Don't be stupid.

Here, cook it in there. All right, now let me see.

Now I want some milk, some sugar, and a chapioca. That's right, isn't it?

Don't ask me, mate. You're the cook.

I'm just the kitchen mate.

I shall be going cream my hands.

Thank you, darling.

Now, let's see.

Milk first.

Tapioca pudding should be done by now, aren't they?

What are you talking about?

Your cookbook said two hours at number three.

I couldn't wait that long, so I gave it half hour at number 12.

What a shame!

What a lot of rot you two talk. Of course it's not the same.

No, no.

What's the matter with that then, eh?

Well, that shrunk a bit, didn't it? Yeah. Well, they always do when you cook

them, don't they? I'll try a bit from the side.

Blimey, it's a bit solid, isn't it?

That's a pretty big spoonful, isn't it?

Blimey, I've never seen anything like that before.

I have, when they were building the M1.

What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with it. It wasn't

out with a drop of milk at all.

Oh, blimey, it's waterproof.

You know what?

You could patent that, mate.

Oh, I reckon you've discovered a new type of plastic.

You can't give that to Ma to eat. What's she ever done to you?

What's wrong with it?

Blimey, it's only milk, sugar and tapioca. You try a bit.

No, thank you. I am not a tapioca person.

And I'm not feeling so good. You try it.

No, I'll give Mum a bit.

She'll tell me if it's any good or not.

Mum, the old wall bottle's freezing.

Shall I go down and fill it?

No, love, you stay here. Let's stand and do it. Oh, right.

Here, Mum.

How are you?

Feeling better?

Look, I made you some tapioca.

It didn't come out quite right, though. Oh, it's delicious.

Yeah, well, you'd better try it first.

Yes, it does.

Yes.

Very nice.

It's different.

But delicious.

Can you fill my hot water bottle, please?

God, blow me. I'm up and down these stairs. I'm worn out. Good job I'm a

and not a conductor.

Well, milk's all right, but I did want to upset him. Here, what am I going to

with it?

Oh, I know, I'll give it to Russ.

Come on, love, there you are.

Oh, blimey.

What?

Ah,

you always was a clever girl.

Quick, thinker. Here, give it to Spax, Dan's coming.

Hey, I've got more, Bill.

The kettle was boiling, see. Be careful, it's hot.

Blimey, you soon ate that.

Yes. Here, what's your boarding? No, no, no, thanks, love. Well, it's plenty

downstairs. No, no, I don't want to make a pig of myself, love.

All right, then.

Now, is there anything else you want me to do before I go? Oh, yes, just a few

things. Wait a minute, I'll put my glasses on. I've got a list here for

What have you done with this, Rut? A list? Yes, oh, I've got a lovely list

Come on, Rut, here, let's read this list. Here it is.

Take our new prescription to the chemist and bring back the medicine.

Medicine? What are you talking about, Blimey? You've got all this luck here,

look. Where?

Oh, blimey, that was when we was nil. Now we're getting better. It's

Get Olive's sickness benefit. Get me old age pension.

Get the insurance paid. Get some nice fresh fish.

Is that all?

That's all on this page.

Get some oranges.

Get some apples. Oh, blimey, why can't she do something?

But she has, dear. She made the list, Al.

Well, I'll have to do something. I can't do all this work on my own.

Oh.

What's the matter with you?

I thought so. What? 102 .5. What?

I've got the flu, mate. You'll have to carry on without me.

God, blimey, that's all I needed.

Well, and it's lucky we're all here together today.

Oh, very lucky.

I should just have to go to bed for a few days.

Oh, well, that's not too bad, love. I'll be in bed all day with you.

Blimey, having flu's going to be worse than I thought.

Come in.

Come in.

Come in! Oh, blimey.

Excuse me, darling.

Is your husband at home?

Shut up.

Wipe your feet. Wipe your feet. All right, all right.

Come on, Stan, we'll do you out in half an hour. I can't go yet. Blimey, I have

to wait, mate. I haven't taken the breakfast up yet. Well, get your skates

will you?

Don't knock your ass all over my floor.

All right, where's the ashtray?

Not in there. Blimey, can't you see it's clean?

I'll swallow it, if you like.

I'm getting rid of it tomorrow, thank God.

Oh, yeah? What's it going to be?

Arsenic in the cocoa or weed killer in the centipods?

No, the doctor said Mum was strong enough to travel, so I'm bunging them

down to her sister at Thought Bay. Oh, now, that is a good idea, that is.

What's that smell?

What smell?

The milk!

Blimey, it's all your fault, isn't it? My fault?

Well, if you'd been late as usual, this wouldn't have happened.

It's all right, you can boil up another lot.

I can't.

I've used up three saucepans already.

Here you are. Here you are, sir.

That's no good.

Why not? I ain't got no milk. Here you are.

Dad, what about our breakfast?

Shut up!

I'll bring it up in a minute.

I'll give him the leads.

This grill pan's all full of milk. I'll stick it down the sink.

No, no, don't waste it. I'll give that to Arthur.

But that's all greasy.

I know, I cooked some lamb chops with it last night.

He moaned there was no gravy, so he can have it with his milk this morning.

Well, it'll taste of lamb chops.

I'll tell him it's lamb's milk.

sweeping the floor and they've got all the brooms upstairs.

I'll bring you that for your breakfast!

What a life this is, mate.

That's it.

Sure you can manage, all right? Ah, shut your gob.

Come on, make some room for the tray.

Here. Is there one of your tissues?

He said, it's marvellous. When anyone else takes out a tissue, another one

up. You take out a tissue, nothing pops up.

Shut up, me. I can't help it if nothing happens.

Nothing ever happens with you.

Oh, thank goodness. Go on, quick, cock.

Go on. Blimey, I've got a lot here. Cock hold of it.

Quick. Here's yours. That's it. Do something, do something. There we are.

Thanks very much.

Your lordship's all right, I suppose.

Nice cup of tea, some prunes, and here's your pills, look. Oh, thank you. I'll

put them on there. It wasn't too much bother for you, was it? No, no. Didn't

have no trouble in the kitchen?

Oh, no, no, no, it's all right. Now, you eat your prunes up. I want you to be

nice and strong for when you travel tomorrow, see? Oh, love, that reminds

You'd better take the washing round to the laundry, eh? I'll have to do that

next week.

No, love, it must go today. You see, we can't go away unless we're all clean.

I've got three shifts to do, Mum.

For God's sake, I won't be able to do it.

All right, love, never mind. I'll manage to get downstairs somehow. Of course,

if I hurt meself and can't go tomorrow... Here we go again. All right,

heard it all before. All right, all right. Come on, come on. Where is it?

is it? Under the bed.

All right.

Oh, love, you'd better take these couple of towels with you as well. Yes, all

right, yeah. We want to be nice and clean. Here, wait a minute. There's

something else here. Some nice... Yes, there you are.

There's that. There's me serviettes here. And here's me bed jacket. Well,

minute.

What are you doing?

Me bed thought.

I thought you were taking the sheets off in a bit for a minute.

Shut up. Shut up.

Be a good boy.

A good boy? I haven't got time to be bad.

How do you know it's yours?

Is that yours?

Here.

Just take it on the bus, will you?

What were you doing with that bird? Trying to pinch her bra?

God, blimey, the first she made, you thought she was wearing it. Yeah, well,

it's a nice thought, eh?

Get in the cab.

Done.

Yes, that's my laundry there.

I've disembarked enough of you. Why?

The other day it was just shopping.

Today it's the laundry.

Yeah, that's right.

You know the regulations as well as I do.

Busmen will not use the buses to carry their personal effects.

Yeah, well, I've got to get home because they're waiting for it, my pardon.

I don't know they're yours.

What do you mean? I know you busmen's tricks.

Claiming lost property is your own? Oh, come off it. It'll prove it is.

Well, prove it then. Go on then. What's on top? Go on. What's on top?

What?

What are these yours, are they?

Your long combs.

The scissors are tight. Don't mess about.

What are these? Yeah, don't mind.

What are these yours?

Your pants, are they?

With the leopard spots.

Your pants.

Thousands of the buses.

How do I know they're yours?

I put them on every Saturday night, don't I?

Any witnesses?

Hang on.

Shop steward, I'm here to tell you you don't have to expose your private life

an inspector.

I mean, can anyone identify them for you?

You know, one of the clippers.

LAUGHTER

Artist from Bethelden.

She's seen them.

Has she?

Yeah, don't look like that. She gave them to me as a Christmas present.

Yeah, hasn't done her much good. She hasn't seen them since.

How do you know?

Has it got a hole in it?

Well, of course it has. That's the way they're made, isn't it?

No, he didn't mean that one, Jack. You mean that hole in the back, don't you?

Well, that's where I caught myself on a screw in the cab, you see.

And I'll put in for a new pair of trousers. You remember that, Jack? Yeah,

bring it up to the union. You can put in for a new pair of underpants as well.

I'll do what my wife runs on your agenda.

Now, come on, give it back. You know I want it. Come on. Yes, well, it seems

can identify them.

But don't you let me catch you using a bus to carry your personal effects

Yeah, well, anyway, come on. I want it all back because my family have got to

get packed up. They're going to wait tomorrow.

I'm not surprised if you're wearing things like that.

What are you going around the house swinging from chandelier to chandelier?

Have a good rest and don't hurry back now. Now, are you sure you'll be all

right, love? I mean, can you cook for yourself?

Blimey, I've been cooking for you three all the week, haven't I?

That's one of the main reasons why we're going away.

I made a menu out.

Blimey, Mum, I know what to eat, don't I? Oh, it's not for you, love. It's for

the cat.

Oh, I'll give it a drop of milk. No, no. It's got to have boiled cod and minced

liver, then stewed beef, then minced vegetables and now a little bit of

up art.

I'll give you some grapefruit for starters, if you like.

Oh, very nice. I'm going to chop it up and take the pips out.

I think we'd better get going, Mr B. Here, don't let us stop you with the

washing up. Jack will see us to the car.

Righto, love. Ta -da.

Come on, then. Hold it here, Mr B.

Head them off to the sky, love. Now, look, Olive, Arthur, get well quickly,

then you can enjoy yourselves.

Yeah. Well, I think we'll just get well quickly.

Come on, son, son.

All right,

the three, all the four.

That's all right.

Here you are, Jack.

There you go, Arthur.

That's it. Here you go, sunshine.

Oh, Arthur, it'll be just like a second honeymoon.

Yeah, exactly the same.

There you go,

Arthur. Tuck your bottom in.

Over the top now.

They're all gone now. Get the birds in, eh?

Hey, what's wrong, mate?

You all right?

Oh, blimey, mate.

I didn't want to tell the old lady, but I feel lousy.

No, I think that's 102, isn't it?

You're kidding yourself, mate. That's nowhere near 102.

It's 103 .5.

You've got the flu.

I'm not surprised. They've all three of them, haven't they?

Go on, blab it and I'll catch him. Yeah.

Yes, it must be. Yeah.

Here, Jack, mate, what am I going to do, mate? Oh, don't you worry. You go to

bed and I'll fix everything.

Oh, good. You'll look after me. No, I'll fix everything at the depot. Get myself

a new driver.

Now, don't forget, mate, we're only next door, so if you want the thing, just

bang on the wall. If we don't hear you, we'll know you're all right.

Or I've snuffed it.

Either way, you won't need any help, will you?

Thank you.