Original subtitles

Oh, well, let's shift up another couple of hours, Jack. What are you doing here?

What's this up here, then?

Staff vacancy.

Applications invited for the post of assistant inspector.

Oh, yeah? Good advertise for them now.

I thought they got them from the Chamber of Horrors.

No, they just stick a wanting notice up outside the police stations.

You can laugh. That's a responsible position.

Two pound a week extra in status.

That's no good to me, mate. I'm shop steward.

I don't want a job where I have to report my mates to the management.

No, of course not, no.

You shouldn't report them to the trade union.

This is a chance to better yourself.

I don't know what you're doing in this job, mate. You're wasting your time.

You could have earned a fortune on the films.

Oh, yeah.

Playing Dracula.

Oh, very droll.

No,

he's dead right.

I mean, before you become an inspector, you have to have all your teeth taken

out and a couple of fangs put in instead.

With your front choppers, mate, you wouldn't have to bother.

You two blokes don't know a good opportunity when you see one. I had to

years and years for the Chief Inspector before me to retire. What, him?

Oh, bloody, he didn't retire.

He went to Russia to carry out Stalin's purge.

Wrong again.

He went to Bognor to grow roses.

Here, Flakey, what are you going to do when you retire?

Oh, he's got a job ready made for him. He has for Undertaker.

That wouldn't be any good.

He'd report the earth for being two minutes late.

It would be if you were driving it.

I don't suppose either of you two's want your name put down for this, do you?

What, mate? God, you must be joking.

The only good thing about it is a couple of quid extra that goes with it. Ah,

forget it. Yeah, you might as well. Neither of you two's smart enough for

job. Look at the style of you, look.

Scruffy -looking pair.

Cool. I'd like to see either of you have to come to work like me, wearing a

shirt with a starch collar.

The way he walks, they've stashed his shirt and all.

See you in a couple of hours' time, mate.

OK for a job, then.

Hello.

Hello, love.

Oh, thanks very much.

Caught you in it, eh?

Get your old papers, mate.

That's funny. How can a small one have to fag up here on a mental piece this

morning? Yeah, you did. I'm smoking it.

I thought it was one of mine.

One of yours on a mental piece? You keep yours in a bedroom in a little black

box underneath the floorboards. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I'll leave. Put

the kettle on and give your brother some tea, love. Oh, wait a minute. Let me

clear my chest first.

Oh, blimey. Get me tea first, will you? I've got to be back at the depot in a

couple of hours.

Oh.

Mum, why can't you get it?

because I've got to mend my coat first. I can't go out like this, you know, all

the lining's torn, the M's gone all to pieces, and there's an awful hole in the

pocket. Why don't you put your best one on? This is my best one.

Well, why don't you get a new one?

Well, it's so expensive.

I saw a lovely one in Jones the other day. It was 14 guineas hanging up in the

window. Well, of course, that was out of the question.

Well, you got your clothes money in this little box, didn't you? Yeah, I did,

but I used to use my coat money for the gas bill.

Why? Because I had to use the gas money to pay the electric.

Love, I'll never work that system out. Here, Arthur.

Yes? Why don't you chip in a few quid and get Mum a coat?

Yeah, well, of course I'd like to. I mean, I know my duty as a son -in -law,

I have had one or two expenses lately.

I mean, it's not as if Olive's working. She's always ill.

No, no, Mum, no. Now I come to think of it, you must have a new coat.

I mean, it's not fair you're walking about with that thing.

Now, leave it to me. I'll think of something. Well, I don't know. If I'm

to have a new coat, I'll have to do the same as Rusty.

Grow it myself.

Won't I, love?

You still fancy yourself as an inspector, do you? Yeah.

Do you think I'll get the job then? Oh, abductorily, yes, yes.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're bound to get it.

Oh, yeah?

What makes you think I'll get the job then?

Well, you're the only one who's applied for it.

Take the notice down, shall I? Yeah.

Mind you, if it wasn't for the diabolic or short itch, you would never have

stood a chance.

Why not?

Well, there are certain physical requirements, you know.

Blimey, I'm only asking to be an inspector, not to be put out to stud.

Yes, but there's a certain minimum height.

What do you go?

Five foot nine.

With me hat on, of course.

Yes, well, I'll have a word with the staff again.

Hi, Sam, mate.

Oh, they've taken a notice down.

Somebody must have applied for the job.

I wonder who that was.

Well, it's a matter of fact. I wouldn't like to be in his shoes, would you?

No, no.

Ah, inspectors. Of course, you're a driver.

You don't know what us conductors can do to them perishes.

Make their lives a hell of an honour. Yes, well, I've had a word with the

manager. I'll talk to them later. No, no, no, it's perfectly all right.

It's all fixed.

I'll talk to them later. It's all fixed, mate. You start work tomorrow morning

as assistant inspector.

You brought him for that job?

You? Well, let's face it, somebody had to take the job.

I mean, there's a limit to what a human being could stoop to.

Well, the truth is I needed the extra money. So did the train robbers.

I don't know what the fuss is about, mate. I mean, I'm still the same bloke.

mean, we work together. I mean, it could be easy. I mean, I'm one of you. How

can you be one of us if you're one of them?

Oh, blimey, Mum. You've still been in that old coat.

Well, you know, I don't know whether this coat wants a new lining or the

wants a new coat.

Still, the buttons are very nice.

Well, I tell you what, me old darling. Yeah, love?

You can chuck that thing away. I've got a surprise for you.

Really? Yeah.

What is it? Now, don't get excited. Wait a minute. Oh, I'm excited. Come on.

Wait a minute, Mum. I'm waiting. Come on. Don't get me waiting. What is it?

Well, shut your eyes. Shut your eyes. All right. All right. I promise. Shut

eyes. I've got to touch it.

Well, don't open them until I tell you to. No, no, no. Shut the tie. Come on.

All right. Open them. Open them.

Oh, what a beautiful coat.

I thought you went to Andy and lost the property.

No,

no, no, that was the one in Jones's, the one I saw in the window, I had my eye

on. That's the one, I knew you wanted a new coat and, well, I managed it and,

well, it's yours.

Oh, mine?

All mine?

Yeah, yeah, I saw it in the window and, well, I got it for you. What do you do,

break the glass?

No, I paid for it in cash.

All paid for?

Well, in 36 weeks' time it will be.

Oh, Stan, you won't be able to afford all the payment.

Yeah, no way, it's only ten bob a week. Besides, I've got something to tell you.

Oh, no.

I've been promoted.

You what?

No! Yeah, they've selected me to be an inspector.

You? An inspector?

Yeah. I mean, you must have been the only one who applied.

What are you talking about? There was dozens of them applied for the job. Oh,

Stan, I'm proud of you, darling. I'm really...

proud of you. I knew you'd be able to do something like that. All your mates

must be excited you've been promoted.

Delighted.

Didn't anyone hear the front doorbell? What?

Has Jack come to see you?

He's come to congratulate you.

Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, good evening, Mr B. Oh, hello, Jack. Arthur.

Oh, I left my dartboard here the other evening.

Yes, behind the sideboard. Oh, of course I forgot. It's our practice night for

darts tonight, isn't it? No, I've come to take my dartboard back.

Oh, I see. We're practising round your house. All right, I'll come round now,

then. I shouldn't bother. You'll be dropped from the team.

Well, I mean, we can't have an inspector play for the team, can we? I mean, put

the lads off their game, will you?

Oh, tell.

Well, I won't keep you, inspector.

You've got to swat up your rule book, I expect.

I'll see you tomorrow.

And take care.

Oh,

Stan.

Jack, it was very strange.

There won't be no arm or no arm presses between you and your mates, will there?

No. No, I'll take your notice, Mum. It's a bit of jealousy.

It's always like that when somebody gets on in the world. No, don't you worry

about it, love.

Well, all right. I think I'll go to the supermarket and do some shopping.

I thought you did that this afternoon.

We did. We got everything.

Yeah, well, I'm going to buy some budgie seeds.

Blimey, we ain't got a budgie.

Well, I know. It's only ninepence and it's worth it to show off a new coat.

My dear, I've hardly got time to eat it. Everyone's gone potty in this house

today. Stan was in the bathroom over an hour.

Well, it's his first day as an inspector.

Yeah, well, I thought he was going to be a butt inspector, not a sanitary

inspector.

I don't know.

Good morning, all.

Oh,

don't you look distinctive.

No.

Oh, I don't agree.

I think he looks fine in that uniform.

Just like Lord Louis Mountbatten.

Yeah.

Just dropped in for breakfast of bangers and beans, no doubt. What were you in

the bathroom so long for?

Well, I had to have a nice close shave, didn't I?

I mean, I've got to set an example to my conductors and drivers and mess busmen.

You shave your legs as well, set an example to the clippies.

Put your hat on, love.

Oh.

Oh, it does suit you.

Yeah, hides half his face.

Yeah, well, I'll admit it's a bit on the big side. Olive?

Stick a bit of pipe round the brim, will you, for us? Here, Mum.

Don't be tired. It's straight. Oh, smashing, love.

I always think that a stiff collar does something for a man.

Yeah, it strangles him.

Blimey, it's a lot of tight, this one. Look, it'll be ever so cold out, it must

put on your scarf, love. Yes, that's a good idea, Mum. Very good idea.

That's right.

Very good idea.

Oh, dear, dear.

Oh, well.

Oh, well, put it over your ears, love.

What are you doing? I don't want to hear it.

Absolutely ridiculous, mate. You look stupid.

Well, love, you've got weak ears.

Yeah, match his head.

Don't be so ridiculous. I haven't got weak ears. Now, now, don't tell that to

your mum.

I used to have cotton wool soaked in oil and put it in your ears each day. Don't

you remember?

I remember that all right.

I used to go to school smelling like a fish shop.

All the boys used to call me Stinky Stan.

No, I don't want the scarf anyway. I've got to look distinguished. There's no

doubt about that.

I've got to start with my bus, and I've got to see that those buses go out on

time. Blimey, take a better man than you. I've been trying to catch the six o

'clock every evening. It always moves up at five, too. That's done for years.

I shall be on that bus tonight, and I'll see you catch it. It will not go out

till six o 'clock. Well, we'll see.

Right, now I'm going to try my new coat on.

Yes, I'll try mine on, too.

Blimey, you're not coming with me, are you?

No, I'm going to bring the milk in.

If you've got something nice, you want to show it off.

Right.

Rulebook.

Clipboard.

Inspector's pencils.

Inspector's pencils.

You'll find the first day is the worst.

Of course, it's all right if you're a born leader, isn't it? Of course, yes.

So I'm afraid you're in for a hell of a time.

Well, don't worry.

If anything goes wrong, I report it. That's right.

If there's something wrong, you report it.

And if there's nothing wrong, you report it just the same.

Oh. Right?

You're on your own.

Ah,

morning, Bill. Morning, Sid.

Oh,

look what we've got here.

Hitler's deputy.

Good morning, sir.

Morning, Jack.

Do you mind, mate, putting that bag out?

Huh? Why?

Oh, now, come.

I think you can see up there. It says, no smoking on that sign.

Oh, yeah. But I'm not smoking on that sign.

Now, don't be funny. Put the bag out, don't you?

All right. Another thing. You have incorrect demeanour.

You should be wearing a collar and tie.

I am wearing a collar and tie.

See you when you come off duty, love, eh?

Sure.

Thanks, darling. You've got a nerve coming on duty looking like that.

I should worry.

It's all right for some people. You can do as you like when you're just good

friends with one of the bosses.

Oh, shut up. Brazen bits.

One of the old depot doesn't know.

Nothing wrong with her uniform, is there?

Don't worry, Jack, I know the rules.

Excuse me, miss.

Are you in this number nine?

I am. Well, you know the regulations.

I can't allow you to get on this bus with a skirt like that.

And what's wrong with my skirt?

Well, if I can see it, I'll tell you.

Have you read the rule book?

No. Why not?

Well, it's hardly painted place, is it?

Right, don't be funny. I'll read them out to you, shall I? Here we are.

Appendix three.

Conductress says, Mini skirts should not be more than two inches above the knee.

Well... That's about right, innit?

I said two inches above the knee, not two inches below the waist.

Now, look, my pencil, my pencil here, is about nine inches long. Now, that must

be ten inches short. Hello, hello, hello.

What's he inspecting now?

Look, love, I'm the shop steward.

You don't have to suffer liberties from the management like that.

Oh, cut, Jack, cut off it. Look at that skirt.

What's wrong with it?

Glum, you can see everything via Adam's apple.

Travelling a pleasure.

Blimey, even a pouch comes below a skirt.

As shop steward, I see nothing wrong with that skirt.

Oh, wouldn't mind, but Blimey, she's on a double -decker.

You get some very funny people standing on the platforms of these buses.

Yeah, I know. They call them inspectors.

I'm going to report you, miss.

What shall we do now, then?

I think her skirt should come down.

Look, mate.

Stop thinking about getting her skirt down and get that bus out.

Go on. I'm going to go to the route. Get in there. Go on. Oh, yes, I am. Oh,

that's all.

You've done everything wrong.

I don't know how you got the job.

I can tell you, Sonny, but you're not old enough.

Right.

I'll report you for incidents.

Get lost.

Oh, it's you.

The busy bee.

Blimey, 24 bussers on this company and I hear you've had a ride on every one.

Well, fasten your safety belt.

Don't touch that bell.

What's up?

This is the first date.

Are you not time we're supposed to leave here?

Yeah, six o 'clock.

That's right.

Eighteen hundred hours.

Oh, sorry, mate. My watch only goes up to twelve.

Seventy -fifty -six it is. Go on. Yeah.

I've had other complaints about this bus, too. Oh, yeah? Let's have your way,

Bill. I'll check the tickets. Have your tickets ready, please.

Thank you.

Thank you, madam.

Thank you, miss. Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Tickets on?

Your ticket. Ticket.

Look at this ticket.

Absolutely disgusting.

That's right. It's got a number on it, innit? I can't tell. It's covered in

bubblegum. Here, mate, for me.

I told you, didn't I? I'll see these buses around the time, mate. It doesn't

out to six and it's not going to go out to six.

Yeah, very good.

Congratulations. I'll have this seat here.

Excuse me. No smoking downstairs.

We want to smoke up.

Yep, you're quite right.

Must stick to the rules.

I thought you were going without me.

Well, I had to do some shopping and I knew this was your bus.

Look, Sarah, I want to talk to you about something.

Girls, I'm over here all night.

Look, see, I'll see you after. Sit down, will you, darling?

There's no room up, see? I won't bother to smoke, right?

Hello, Ma.

Hello. You pinch my seat. Oh, well, you can have it. No, it's all right, you can

stand. Right, come on, let's all get over here. Before that, might as well

Don't touch that bell.

What's that now?

It's not six o 'clock yet.

Oh, sorry, mate. I'm being regulated.

Hope it makes you feel better.

Right, where you going?

Hold this hand out, please.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

It's called six o 'clock. There's no standing after six. Get off.

You've got potty or something.

Just as I said, it was all right for me to stand.

That was then, now's now. Scorn six, no standing, get off.

Look, mate, I know the rule book too. And you're allowed standing passengers

after six o 'clock to avoid hardship.

What hardship?

The black eye you're going to get unless you ring that bell.

Don't get hasty, Jack.

Let's have a look at the rule, Beck. There might be a way out of this.

Look, can't you sit on my knee?

It's not three years or under. Let's have a look.

Ah, here we have. Ah, what a shame, Arthur. Now then, if you'd have been a

or a cat... Or some other small domestic animal.

Look, Arthur, mate, there's a number seven behind us. Hop on that, you'll get

seat. Thank you, Jack.

You wait, I'll get you out.

It's all right.

He'll be home a couple of minutes after us.

He won't. That bus turns around at the next stop.

Anything like this happening again?

Have I made myself clear?

Get rid of that moron and do something with these.

I don't want my staff upset.

Come along, my dear. I want to work with you in the office.

I'll see you later.

Butler.

Thank you, madam.

Good night, Jack.

Oh, no, thank you. Watch it.

Butler.

Butler. What?

I'd like a word with you.

What?

You are a useless, incompetent twit.

What have I done? You've been enforcing the rules, haven't you?

Well, that's my job, isn't it?

You don't force men to work to rule when they're working.

They only work to rule when they're on strike.

You useless twit.

And as if that wasn't enough, you made a complaint about a certain Clippy

Skirty, didn't you?

Well, I thought she was indecent.

It happens to be the way the manager likes her.

It says in the rule book.

But there are things going on at this depot.

that have never been in any rule books.

All right, I'm sorry. But how was I to know she was the manager's vehicle?

All right.

I tell you, I will not make any more complaints tomorrow.

No. No, you won't do that, no.

You'll be too busy driving a bus.

Oh, back driving number.

Rule book.

Clipboard.

Inspector's pencils.

Inspector's pencils.

Stan.

Oh, hello, Mum. Stan, I'm waiting to speak to you. Yeah, I'm sorry about

Mum. I was having a word with the inspector, see, and I... What are you

your old coat? Where's your new one?

Well, Stan, that's what I wanted to tell you. What?

I've, er... I've to go back to the shop.

I've been thinking a lot, Stan, and, you know, you only took this new job just

to pay for it, didn't you, love? Ah, not exactly, no.

I don't think you'd be happy if your pal didn't talk to you no more.

Well, you know... Stan, I want you to promise me you'll give up being the

inspector. Give it up? He's just given me the... Well, you can, can't you?

Oh, yes, yes. Well, if it makes you happy, Mum, I can resign.

Well, I'll be very upset.

Well, they will be, the fellas, but I can handle them, you know.

Hello, Mr B. Hello, Stan. Hello, Jack. Hello.

Look, Jack, Stan's going to give up being an inspector.

Give it up? Well, I've just... Yes, I was telling Mum I've resigned.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Oh, Mrs B, be all right if me and a few of the lads come round for darts

practice tonight? Oh, that'd be lovely.

Well, we'll expect you then at 2100 hours. Oh, very good, sir.

Hey, put a cigarette out.

You know you're not allowed to smoke here. Why not?

Because I ain't got one.