Original subtitles

On the bus is number two, production number 0158, part one, take one.

Over it, I think.

No problem, Mum. I can't eat anymore.

Oh, what's the matter, Stan? You've hardly touched your breakfast. No, it's

nothing wrong, Mum. No, it's nothing. I've got that queasy feeling in my

stomach. I'll just have this cup of tea.

No, it's always the same when I've got to work with a new conductor.

Oh, what's the business that make?

Oh, blimey, the last one was bell at me, wasn't he? Ding, ding, ding all day

long. Even made me stop to pick up passengers.

Ah, typical.

No wonder people use trains.

At least they're reliable.

Just because you work on the railways.

Train's good.

Yeah, but at least we stop at stations where we're supposed to stop.

And about 20 places in between.

What the hell do you know about it, anyway? You sell tickets in a booking

office. You want to try driving a bus all day long in the heavy traffic.

My bus, mate ,'s over 30 feet long.

Some of their trains are over 500 feet long.

But you don't drive them down the high street, do you?

There's another thing. I'm sitting on top of that engine all day long,

away.

Puts a frock on me gastric juices.

Oh, Dan, not while I'm eating.

Why's he feeling ill? Just because he's got a new conductor?

Well, Stan's always been like that.

I remember when he first had Miss Wilkins.

Hello. Miss Wilkins.

At school.

She was his teacher, you know.

Every morning he felt sick, you know.

For God's sake, Mum, I was only eight years old then. Well, you haven't

at all, you know.

I used to give him hot water bottles and put it on his tummy.

I'll get you one now, love. Oh, Mum, sit down, for God's sake.

I can't turn up with a depo with a lot of water bottle up me coat.

Blimey, don't think I'm a pregnant clippy.

No, no, it's a touch of art, Bernie. I go when I walk about.

Well, I know what it is.

It's flatulence. Now, look here, bring the wind up. Come on, here we come.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why don't you put him over your shoulder and walk him up and down a bit?

Oh, don't give her ideas.

Here, look, I'm due out at 8 .40. Where's me cat, Mum? I did a minute ago.

wait, I'll put it... Me cat! Oh, all right, now, don't fluster me.

I tell you, my memory's not as good as it used to be. It can't be all that bad.

You can remember what my stomach was like 30 years ago. Where's me cat?

Oh, God, look, the cat's sitting on it. Oh, well, he was only keeping it warm,

love. Well, I don't mind that, but I don't want it fur -lined.

Well, you know, I've molten it. Oh, look here, I'll brush it for you.

Good job you got a mum, you know.

Look, he's got to get married sometime.

Well, he's only a boy.

Can't rush these things. Sometimes terrible things can happen.

I'll write you off.

Yeah, I'm off now.

Now, look, darling. If the conductor ignites to you, you tell the inspector.

Oh, no.

You're an after -after. I can't go up to the inspector and say, Inspector, can I

have a new conductor? This one's being rude to me.

Shall I give you a note?

Shall I?

It's just that I don't like working with new conductors. Well, I don't make up

the roadless, do I?

What route they put you on?

29.

Well, who am I with then?

You're with me.

Who?

Why? What's the matter?

Well, no, it's just that I thought you was a bloke.

Oh, blimey, mate. If your eyes are as bad as all that, you shouldn't be

a bus.

No, I didn't mean that. I meant that I've never had a clippy before.

Oh. Well, you'd better get used to the idea.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, darling, Stan. You've got Iris.

Who's Iris?

She's from Basildon.

Oh, darling, she's a right little raver.

You've struck oil there, mate.

Yeah, she's worn out more drivers than a five o 'clock rusher.

I'll tell you something, Jack. She won't get me going, mate.

I'll take a bet.

I'll take a bet.

The bet's off.

Oh, well, better get the gear on.

I've just got to tighten my straps.

That's all right. I'll do that for you.

I know. You're a bit prescient, Jack.

No, I know how they go.

Not these, you don't.

Well,

come on, then. Come on, help us on with it. All right, then.

Good luck, Jack.

Right. Tighten it up a bit at the back.

That's right.

How's that?

Oh, dear.

Don't pull a thing too hard.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

There's a time and place for everything, you know.

Well,

I don't know. It's still a bit tight.

I'm a 38 -inch, haven't you noticed?

No, I haven't.

Well, we'd better get going then, that lovely.

What? It's time for a last bag, isn't it?

Watch it, the inspector's knocking about.

Oh, you don't worry about that old Burke, do you? Who may? No, I couldn't

less about him.

Not it, I'm telling you.

Here, hang on to that a minute.

What for?

Well, I just want to powder me nose.

Well,

the only thing you're doing is... You know the regulations. Put that tag out.

This is not my thing. Not what?

It's just my bag, I'm sorry.

Put it out.

Anyway, you're due out.

Get in that cab and drive off. Here, hang on a minute, can I go to the

You nip off, love, I'll wait for you.

You what?

I'll wait for you.

Since when do you decide the schedules?

This is a bus, mate, not a private motor car at madam's disposal.

Get that cab out of it.

Get on that bus.

You've had plenty of time to go.

You wait to get the other in now. It's 8 .41, you're late.

You know the regulations. Why don't you follow the conductor's instructions?

I was following my... No, no, it's my fault. No, I'm sorry.

I might have been standing here.

Well, we can't always look on the bright side.

Yeah. Well, I'm afraid I shall have to put all that down on the report.

As if I haven't got enough to say.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks for not letting on to that knock.

That's all right, love.

Anything for a pretty lady.

Hey, are we finished early tonight?

Yeah, we do, don't we, yeah. You're doing anything this evening?

What's it, Thursday, isn't it?

Oh, yes, my bingo night.

Bingo? Yeah.

You taking someone?

Yeah, I take my mum.

Oh.

You take your mum out often?

Oh, no.

Only Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

Why do you ask?

Oh, I don't know. They're opening a new bar down the Red Lion.

I thought you might like to take me.

Oh, no. No, I'm not committed.

I'm not committed, no.

What about your mum?

I don't know what to ask her. I do as I like, you know.

I'll just tell her I've got another date.

Right. I'll see you there at seven.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Don't look so worried.

It'll be better than bingo.

You know, I want to look my best tonight, love.

I think you'd better put three extra curls at the back.

What for, Mum? Well, you know what it is at bingo?

When they shout, eyes down, everybody sees the back of your head.

Oh, that'll be Sam.

Put the kettle on, love, will you? And cheer him up. You may have had a very

trying day with this new conductor.

Hey, Mum!

Hello, love.

Team, I'll be in a minute. I'm just having me hair finished off for tonight.

Oh, tonight.

Sorry, Mum, I can't take you to bingo tonight. They've bunged me on a late

-night shift.

A late -night...

Well, you've been working all day. You haven't got the strength.

Oh, I manage.

Is your new conductor doing late -night shifts with you?

Yes, yes, yes.

What's he like? Is he like Jack?

No, very different.

In what way?

In every way, really.

But very nice, very nice. Good, right. Tell me all about him over your cup of

tea. Well, I can't wait for a cup of tea. Mum, I've got to nip upstairs and

changed. Changed? For work?

But you don't have to change when you're on the late -night shift.

I'm sorry, Mum. What I meant is I've got to have a wash and a shave to get back

to work.

He sounds remarkably chirpy for someone who's going to work late.

Oh, well, I expect he's thinking of all the overtime.

What are you going to do tonight, Arthur?

cards. Yeah, well, I think I'm going down a red line.

Arthur, you're not going on the drinking, are you?

No. No, I've got a railway union local branch meeting.

There's only one thing for it, Stan, mate. You'll have to change in the gents

when you get at the red line.

I'm off now, Mum. Don't wait up for me. Good night.

Wait, how are you going to kiss your mum?

What? I should hope so.

What are you doing with your best suit?

Yes, I thought I'd do it into have it cleaned.

Cleaned? Yeah. I had it done last week.

Yeah, I know you did, but there's a stain on it. Really?

Well, somewhere.

Anyway, I thought I'd put it into the all -night cleaners and then I could

it up on my way home. Oh, why don't you say so? We'll make a loan.

Now, I've...

I've got something else. I've got a couple of dresses here, two pullovers,

I've got my blue overcoat as well.

There you are, love.

Mum, that's all right. Don't forget my dressing gown.

Oh, blimey, wait a minute. There's a pair of my trousers in there.

Yeah, well, they've got two machines. You may as well take the washing as

Yeah, but wait a minute.

There we are, love. There you are.

Mum, I can't carry all this, love.

No, of course you can't. Look, I'll take it in the morning with this boot.

Give it to me. I'll do it. I'll go.

It's about Stan.

Arthur caught sight of him tonight.

Driving his bus?

No, drinking in the Red Lion.

Stan, in the Red Lion?

Arthur!

Yeah? You tell Mum.

Yeah, well, I'm the last person in the world to cause trouble, as you well

But I did catch him in the Red Lion tonight drinking with a female.

Oh? Who was he?

Well, I've checked up with his mates at the depot. It appears it's his new

clippy.

Cliffy? Oh, he never mentioned it.

Oh, I think they popped into the pub after his late night shift.

She was his late night shift.

I mean, it's none of my business, but I checked up and they've been together all

evening. Is she a nice type of girl?

Fastest piece in the depot.

Oh, don't you mean she goes out with anyone?

Oh, no, no, no. No, just friends and strangers.

Yeah, she's looking for her husband.

Wants some mud to keep her.

Fancy a girl doing that.

Yeah, well, lots do.

Oh, there's the dog.

He's back.

He's not late anyway.

Now, don't you say anything to him. I'll have a little chat in the morning.

Right, ma 'am. See you.

Yes, ma 'am.

Shall I come down and make you some cocoa?

No, no, don't bother. I'll get it myself, ma 'am.

Stop. Go.

Ruddy laundry all the way to the river.

Here, what are you trying to do?

Weaken my resistance.

We're going to the parlour. We won't be disturbed in there. All right.

Yes, er... Wait a minute.

I won't be a minute, Mum.

I'm just coming up.

I'm just slipping into me working trousers.

Well, thanks for the compliment.

Who do you need your best ones for?

I just want to slip... to see the old lady. She said, I want to find out

something. You've left it a bit late, haven't you?

Look, if you're going out to ask your mummy's advice, I'm off.

No, no. No, no. All right. Oh, look here. Now, look here, Sam. Make up your

mind. Who do you want to kiss goodnight?

Me or her?

Yeah, yeah.

Sam! I'll just say, remember, it's Thursday.

I'm doing me football pause.

I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.

Come on, let's have some mood music. Yeah. Something moody. What have you

Uh,

Abide With Me by the Luton Girls Choir.

Oh, my God.

Haven't you got a non -vocal?

Uh, Skaters Walk by the Foden's Motorworks Band.

Is that all?

No, she's got saxophone down here. Oh, don't bother. Don't bother. Here.

Come and sit down.

There's no room.

It's all right. I'll make some.

There's someone talking downstairs. I think he's brought that woman back.

Oh, no, he's just put on the telly. What, at this time of night?

There's something very funny going on down there and it doesn't sound like the

epilogue.

Yeah, why not?

Look, I think they're here.

Look, according to you, they're spread over the China cabinet.

I hope he's remembered to take the cactus plant off.

No, no.

They're on the sofa now. Shh, shh.

Oh, this is terrible.

What can you hear?

Nothing.

Oh!

What's up?

Blimey, what's that?

What's what?

I don't know. There's something sharp sticking into me.

Put the light on.

What is it? What is it?

Oh, look at that. There's something moving down there.

Oh, it's Mum. It's Mum. It's the old girl.

If she snagged my tights, I'll snag her.

That wasn't Stan screaming. That was her.

I wouldn't have no one.

Who says he's hurting her?

Wait a minute. They're off again.

I'm moving.

Come on.

I'm moving faster, too.

I don't know what's going on here. I really, really... Oh, dear, I don't

Not really.

You know, I've lost the scent.

They're playing musical chairs by the side of it. Look, if you're so worried,

why don't you go downstairs?

I can't just walk in on.

Oh, but there are other ways you can let them know you're listening. Oh, really?

Oh, no, it's all right.

I mean, don't sit there like that. I've dropped a stitch.

If you're going to sit here doing your nipping, I'm up. No, no, no. It's not

fair. It's just a drop. No, come on. Yes, I am. No, come on, come on. Come

come on. Well, I suppose I'm better, really.

Before you get out your crochet hook.

What's the matter now?

It's Mum's cat staring at me.

That's no good, it can stay in the dark.

Now, perhaps you'll go off to sleep.

I'll go off to sleep before he does.

No, all right, I'll put it like that, I'll put it like that.

Here,

what do you think you're doing? I'm taking him in to snack.

They're not going to knock off for a tea break, you know.

Well, if they're eating, they can't do nothing else, can they?

maybe we're too late for the food.

No. No, it's all right. He changed into his suit when I saw him in the pub. Oh,

fine. That's a big relief. Now, I'll take this in straight away. That's what

I'll do.

Stan, why are you sitting in the dark? The bulb went mum, you know.

Really? Well, it's all right now.

It must have been on the flink.

Oh.

I had no idea You had company.

No, I'm sorry, Mum. This is Iris.

She works on the buses.

Evening. Pleased to meet you, love.

Yes, if I'd known you was coming, I'd have stayed up.

I just made some sandwiches for Stan and a cup of cocoa.

I'll get another cup for you.

Oh, don't bother.

Oh, don't bother. No bother at all.

There you are.

Well, I'll be getting along.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Here, do you want one?

Kipper of cocoa?

Well, it's hardly oysters and champagne, is it?

No, you're right, Horace, come on.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

Now, look, Stan, I bought you another bulb in case that one goes again.

What can happen in the dark? You might spill your cocoa.

Blimey, this is impossible.

Look, she's gone to bed now. I'm sure she has. Come. Oh, I bet she has. Now,

come on. She's gone to bed. Come.

Here we are, love.

I've got them to give you a bismuth.

He always takes it every night before he goes to bed.

I'll get you a spoon.

And then I... Oh.

Like a swan I hung my washing up.

Really cool.

That shows you how very forgetful I'm getting.

Oh, it's filtered cocoa. I'll get some more. No!

Oh, it's no trouble. I've got it in the pan.

I don't want your blasted cocoa!

Really?

It's been a very sexy evening, hasn't it?

Kipper sandwiches, cocoa, and your mum's bloomers.

Well, I'm sorry about that, Iris, but she was just trying to be nice to you,

a way. I didn't come here to be nice to your mum.

No, well, she's upset because it was her bingo night.

It may have been her bingo night, mate. It certainly wasn't mine. I know that,

Iris, but Iris, don't go, love, because... I am going.

Good night.

You know she's gone.

I think that's as well.

I don't think she's got anything to offer you, you know.

You didn't give me time to find out, did you?

It's always the same.

Every time I bring a girl into this house, you're the same, aren't you?

In and out, in and out all the time.

I'm getting fed up with it. I'm not a kid, you know. I'm not sure of school.

I'm going upstairs.

Are you going to bed? No, I'm going to have a cold bath.

Who are the flowers for?

Iris. Sort of a peace offering, you know.

Haven't seen her around, have you? No, not likely to either. She's put in for a

transfer.

Oh, no.

Well, we're not going to opt you out in a few minutes. Who's my new conductor?

It's me.

I'm back with you.

Darling, can I have the flowers?

Oh, thanks.

Oh, I'm glad I brought you.

I brought you your lunch, love. There you are. Thank you very much, Mum.

Mum.

I'm sorry about last night and the way I rushed off enough this morning.

That's all right, love.

Here, some flowers for you.

Oh, Sharon.

Oh, they're very nice.

I really don't deserve it.

Yes, you do.

Come on, Jack, we're going to do it. I'll see you in a minute.