Original subtitles

What's up, cuz?

What's your problem,

man? How are you going to do your favorite cousin like that?

You know very well you are not my favorite cousin, Mr.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel. I told you never to call me that.

Oh, are you still going by that ridiculous moniker?

Original gangster dog.

That's O .G .D. to you. And I dropped the Urkel.

How could you?

The Urkel name has such a long, proud heritage.

In Swahili, it means rejoice.

The giraffe is downwind.

Man, get out of my face with that.

So, O .G .D., what brings you to Chicago?

Yo, I felt in the mood to flow with my cuz. I thought we'd kick it a bit.

Ha!

You want money, right?

Oh, geez.

$4 ,000?

Yo, I got into a little trouble with this dude named Fresh Squeeze. He loaned

some money to buy a new stereo.

I paid him back, 20 % interest, too.

Well, what's the problem?

Now he wants 600%. Well, here's a thought.

This Fresh Squeeze fella just might be a loan shark.

Look, Steve, if I don't get this money, Fresh Squeeze is gonna press the juice

out of me.

I'm sorry, OGD. I don't have that kind of moolah. You're going to have to

this one out on your own.

I'm off to visit our Uncle Admiral Omar Urkel.

He's going to let me spend a few days on a nuclear submarine.

So can I stay here while you go? You can't even stay here while I'm here.

Hey,

Steve. Another new look?

Not bad.

Thanks, boo, but I ain't Steve.

you're doing in my house?

I'm O .G .D., Steve's cousin from Detroit.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're actually related to Steve?

Hey, man, I'm 3J, and you look way too cool to be a narco.

I'm Eddie, but you can call me E -Dub.

Word.

And you must be the legendary Laura Winslow.

Oh, yeah, Steve was right. You are finer than Halle Berry.

Mm -hmm.

And I bet you got more lines than the phone company.

Well, what does O .G .D. stand for?

Original Gangster Dog.

Your mama named you that?

Nope. I did.

Right after my mama left me.

I was raised by my grandma.

So, did Steve let you in?

Yeah, he said it'd be straight if I crashed here for 72.

You feeling me?

Excuse me?

Mama, I believe that...

O .G .D. wants to know if it's okay if he stays here for the weekend.

I guess I see Steve's cousin.

He can stay for the night.

Yeah.

Hey.

D .J. must really like you. He's loaning you his dinosaur pillow.

Of course he likes me.

What's not to like?

Oh, baby, God.

Little baby got fists, too.

Now, see, why you got to be so mean?

I'm not mean. Look, I even brought you an extra blanket.

Girl, you got me so hot, I don't need no blanket.

Why are you so bad?

Because I'm so good at it.

Oh, you think so? Oh.

I know something.

Now, when are you going to stop playing these games and give me some play?

Look, O .G .D., I'm trying to decide between two guys.

And, babe, if I were looking, you're not my type.

Oh, really? And what's your type?

Well, guys with their names on credit cards, not their arms.

Oh, you got jokes.

Well,

you see, I ain't trying to put you on lockdown.

Okay. Just give a brother some love.

I am a guest.

All right.

Look, Missy Elliott's performing at the Fiddle Club tomorrow night.

You want to come?

I'm down.

But we're just going as friends. This is not a date.

Friends can be lovers, too, you know.

You know, that's really catchy.

You should put that on your other arm.

I like that.

I like that.

What's up, O .G.? Hey, 3J.

What's happening, little man?

Nothing. Got this dope CD for you, man. It's off the hook. Oh, bro, thanks.

Yo, yo, yo, I got a CD for you, too.

Really? And these brothers, they keep it real.

Oh, thanks, man.

Dang.

Get tattoos or all that.

I would get me one, but I ain't need them.

Well, you know a real man can handle the pain.

I can handle the pain.

Oh, you think so?

Yep. Well, uh...

Let's see what you got.

Oh. Oh, now I can whoop you like your mama used to do. Oh, wait. Don't get it

started. Oh, don't get it started.

Don't get it started. Oh. Oh. Don't get it started.

Watch the elbow.

Watch the elbow. Don't walk into that now. Don't walk into that.

Oh.

Who called 5 -0?

It's Mr.

W. He lives here.

Oh.

Ain't nobody say anything about no cops living here.

What do we have here?

Mr. W, this is O .G .D., Steve's cool cousin.

She's been with us.

Oh, really?

So, where you from? Oh, you know.

Detroit.

Detroit, oh.

You in school?

No.

Well, why not?

Yo, money, what's with the third degree?

Well, first of all, the name is Mr. Winslow, not money.

And second of all, I think I have a right to know a little bit about the

who are staying in my house.

But, Mr. W. Hmm?

RGD's legit.

I mean, we've been kicking all day.

He even gave me this cool CD.

Oh, yeah? Let's see that.

Now, 3J.

Now, you know that I do not approve of this kind of music.

I do not want you listening to lyrics that put down the police.

What's the matter? You don't want the kid to hear the truth?

I think it's about time you head on up to bed now, huh?

All right.

Night, homie.

Night, little man.

Now, look here.

You are not my son, so I can't tell you what kind of lyrics to listen to.

But as long as you're in this house, this...

This kind of music is off limits.

No, that's censorship.

What about my freedom of speech?

Well, now, son, you know you are free to speak whatever you want to out there.

But when you're in this house, I will not tolerate disrespect.

You see, I'm an officer of the law, and I'm very, very proud of it.

I work for the people.

I serve and protect them.

Not people like me.

Because I can't go anywhere without cops like you harassing me for no good

reason.

Maybe if you didn't come off like a criminal, you wouldn't be treated like

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who you calling a criminal?

Son, step back off of me now. No, you're going to touch my pants and you're

going to call me a criminal.

What's going on down here?

What's going on down here is police harassing me. What? Carl, what is he

about? Harriet, I do not trust this kid. But, Carl... And since when did we

start opening up our home to hoodlums?

Well, he's not a hoodlum. He's Steve's cousin. Well, I don't care who he is. He

got to go.

Carl, bitch, I'm going.

Carl, we can't send a kid out in the street... This is not a kid. This is a

And this man can take care of himself.

No diggity. Now, wait a minute. You two are being ridiculous.

The only thing ridiculous is this wild -haired...

living room. Hey, I'm just speaking the truth and you can't take it.

Carl, Carl, where are you going? I'm going out before I do something that I

might regret.

Oh.

You listen to me, young man.

If you're going to stay in my house, you better check that attitude at the door.

Oh, Carl.

Feeling a little calmer now?

Yeah, yeah.

I just kept walking around the block until I cooled off.

Carl, you were gone for two hours.

I was pretty steamed, Harriet.

That kid really got under my skin.

Honey, I can understand why you're so upset.

I mean, he's a very confused young man.

That kid is trouble, Harriet.

Carl. You stormed out of here before I could tell you that I call O .G .D.'s

grandmother in Detroit.

What's her name?

UPS?

Honey, she's a very sweet lady. And she says that O .G .D. is a good kid.

It's just that he hasn't had an easy life.

He is a thug, Harriet.

He lives the lifestyle of a gangster.

Gangsters hate cops.

Carl, unfortunately, where he comes from, the police are considered the

So he doesn't trust cops.

But you can change all that.

How? By showing him that most police are decent, fair people.

But, Harriet, aren't you just a little bit concerned that he might have a

negative influence on Richie and 3J?

You know, Carl, he hasn't had the advantages that our kids have had.

And so, yeah, he's a little rough around the edges.

But let's be optimistic.

Instead of worrying that OGD will rub off on the kids, let's just hope that we

rub off on him.

Yeah,

this

place is slamming.

Yeah, they get all the best artists.

Not to mention, the ratio of honeys to honeys is three to one.

Well, I don't care what the odds are, because you know the E -Dub always gets

his share.

Yeah, one, two, one, two, is everybody ready to party?

So I just got it to go.

Swing it in my direction.

So I'll be out of control.

Let's take it to perfection.

Just you and me.

Let's see if you can bring it, bring it, bring the nasty out of me.

Suck it to me like you want to.

I can take it like a pro, you know.

Yeah,

this is my jam right here. Come on, girl. Let's dance.

That's kind of tiring.

Well, I'm tired, too.

I'm tired of all these games.

Now, when you gonna give me some play?

When you get some game.

I know the women in Detroit don't fall for those side lines.

Oh, but, baby, you not knowing.

The ladies love some OGD.

Well, not as much as OGD loves OGD.

You went there.

I did.

Excuse me. Laura, will you go to the ladies' room with me?

I don't have to go, but I will by the time we get to the front of the line.

Who this?

Who is this?

Depends on what you're selling.

Well, I'd like to talk to Laura. This is her man, Stefan.

Oh, really?

Well, tell me something.

If you're her man, why is she out with me tonight?

Could you give me a sec?

Look, I don't have time for jokes. I have to be on the runway in five

Now, who is this?

This is OGD.

Steve's cousin from Detroit.

Well, OGD, would you please put Laura on the phone? I'm calling long distance

from Italy.

Oh, one second, bro. I'm gonna let you holler at my man, Tone. Yes.

Tone? Who's Tone?

Yeah.

Hello?

This is Stefan.

What is with this bizarre cousin of yours, OGD?

Huh?

Oh, he stopped by the house a couple days ago, begging for a handout.

But I kicked his keister every which way but loose.

Really?

He's back for the weekend. And get this, he's hitting on Laura.

What do you want?

Cornelius Eugene Urkel.

What in high holy heck are you up to?

Nothing, man. Just hanging out with Laura.

Well, I want you and your dreadful dude back in Detroit.

And you can go back on a bus or in a box.

It's up to you.

Oh, that's big talk from a dude all the way in Italy.

the concert.

I'm assuming that that's a good thing.

I am exhausted. I'll see you guys in the morning. Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Cornelius.

So, um, COD, can I have a word with you?

What, man? You gonna shake me down again?

I just wanted to let you know that your friend Squeeze stopped by.

Yo, I'm out of here.

You don't have to run.

You're safe here.

You don't know Squeeze, man.

I ain't safe anywhere.

Yeah, well, I had a little talk with your friend Squeeze, and he won't be

bothering you anymore.

What'd you do, pay him off?

Better. I locked him up.

Serious?

Well, I recognized him. He used to operate here in Chicago.

And he left town when we put a warrant out on him.

How'd you get the drop on him? Squeeze is a dangerous dude.

Well, I told him I was taking him to see you. And on the way to the sizzle club,

we made a little detour to the precinct. You should have seen him when about

five cops surrounded my car and said, Surprise!

Oh!

I'm going to get my stuff together, and I'll be out of here in the morning.

Well, now, you know, there's no rush.

You can stay a little longer if you like.

Hey, thanks.

You're all right, Mr. W.

So are you, O .G .D.

I don't want you to leave.

There's so much I can learn from you.

I need you, O .G.

You know what, 3J?

Everything you need is right here in this house.

You got a family that loves you.

That's all that matters.

Yo, what's up, Steve?

You've been messing with my wedding.

And now you're about to meet this swatty's wrath.

Hey, uh, look.

I'm gonna be out. I'll catch y 'all on the flip side.

Oh, well, in that case...