Original subtitles

Something smells nasty.

What is that?

It's a new sandwich spread I've invented.

It's called I Can't Believe It's Not Squee.

It should be called I Can't Believe You're Actually Eating That Mess.

You're lost.

More for me.

Hey,

son. I got incredible news.

What? Halle Berry, turn my phone call.

No, I'm talking about something that could happen on this planet.

Well, you know, tomorrow, your mother and I celebrate our 23rd wedding

anniversary. Forget it, Dad. I'm not chipping in this time.

No, no, no, no.

This time I've made extra special plans.

Cool. What'd you do?

Well, first, you have to swear not to say a word.

Okay. I won't. And if you do...

May your tongue swell up to the size of a football, and may all your hair fall

out. Come on, Dad, not the hair.

Well, I'm serious, son. I want this to be a complete surprise.

Okay, I swear I won't tell Mom.

Now, it took some doing, but I actually scored two bunch of boxes at the Bears

-Packers game tomorrow at Soldier Field.

You go, Dad!

During halftime, I actually scored two bunch of boxes I actually hired a blimp

to fly over the stadium with a message that reads, get this, Carl loves

I like that.

Mom is going to flip when she sees that blimp. Well, that's what I'm hoping.

Now remember, do not say a word. My lips are sealed.

Mm -hmm, but then you don't need this.

I have the most fantastic news.

What? Halle Berry return my phone call?

No. I'm talking about something that could happen on this planet.

Listen, honey. I'm surprising your father with a wildly romantic evening

anniversary tomorrow night.

Oh, really?

And I'm dying to tell somebody. Do you want to know what it is? No, but I'm

Dad would.

Oh, honey, don't be silly.

Then it wouldn't be a secret.

Oh, but Mom, secrets are bad.

Besides, haven't you always... One peep out of you and your grandkids will be

grounded.

Gotcha.

Hi,

Laurie.

I wish I were going to Italy with you. It's going to be so much fun.

Modeling can be such a grind.

Yeah. Well, buying me an expensive present might make you feel better. And

designer would you like? There's Armani, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana.

Yes, please.

Now, what about you, my pretty portabella? Any sweet plans for the

Just some fraternity party Max and I are going to. But don't worry, we won't get

too crazy.

What's so funny?

You getting crazy.

supposed to mean? Laura, you may be a lot of things.

Beautiful, kind, funny, but crazy? Come on now.

What are you talking about?

When I'm that loose, I can get pretty wild. Oh.

Laura, your idea of getting wild at a party is double dipping your potato

Yeah? Well, I'm also taking this tape back to the video store, and I have no

intention of rewinding it. Ooh, stop the madness.

I'll call you tomorrow morning from Rome.

Mm -hmm.

I should just be getting back from the party by then.

Be careful, Laura. I heard these parties tend to get a little out of control.

Well, I'm in good company.

I plan to get a little wild myself tonight.

Everybody thinking I'm a goody two -shoes.

Spread my wings a little bit.

Kick up my heels.

Tear it up.

And you know why?

Because this girl's got a little something -something.

Laura, you ain't got nothing -nothing.

But then watch out, Miss Faye.

Because tonight, I'm going to get my swerve on.

How about a game of quarter?

Okay. How do you play?

Easy. You just bounce a quarter off the table into a glass of beer.

If you miss, you gotta chug the mug.

Yeah!

Instead of beer, can we play with diet soda?

I guess not, huh?

Come on, girl.

Let's check out the party.

The cute guy by the cake has my name written all over him. Come on.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

I didn't see you. Can I have a beer, please?

Here you go, here you go, here you go.

Oh, thanks. Would you like a glass of soda?

Sorry, Gidget, this is a fraternity.

No soda.

Don't you guys have anything else besides beer?

Let me check.

No, we just got beer.

We don't drink beer.

Come on.

What's the big deal?

What is the big deal?

Laura, you're actually going to have a beer?

What the heck?

Girl, I can handle it.

Go, Laura!

Go, Laura!

Go, Laura!

Go, Laura!

Laura, can all the music stop?

Girl, tell that to my booty.

I think we should leave

I know there's another party going on.

You are such a good friend.

Thank you.

You're a good friend, too. No, no, no. I'm serious.

You always care for me. And you know what?

I appreciate it.

You know that?

I know you do.

Now,

Opsy Daisy.

You know what, Steve?

I am so sorry about your eye.

No problemo.

Actually, my vision's getting better. I'm only seeing double now.

swallowing black and blue eye.

to keep the anniversary plans a secret from one another, that's your business.

But please, leave it.

Did you make any plans for tonight?

Sure did.

You?

Well, not just any old plans.

We're taking a romantic cruise on Lake Michigan.

But I got us two luxury box seats at the Bears -Packers football game.

How sweet.

Well, a football game on our anniversary?

Well, yeah, a football game.

With an extra special surprise during halftime. What? We get to leave?

Oh, that's cute, Harriet.

Very cute.

But a football game sure...

beats getting seasick on a stupid cruise.

You think my present is stupid, Carl?

Yeah!

I'll have you know, Carl Winslow, I spent a lot of time and money, none of

is refundable, to rent that boat.

Well, Harriet, what do you think?

That my tickets just fell from the sky, screaming, I'm free!

I'm free!

Well, Carl, we'll just have to use your tickets another time.

Harriet, the Bears do not play the Packers again this year.

Carl, I worked three months overtime just to get enough money to even rent

boat. Well, Harriet, I called in a huge favor to Commissioner Geist, who then

called in a huge favor to the mayor to secure his season tickets.

Let me tell you something, Carl Winslow.

Field, box 134.

Well, I'll be on a cruise in Lake Michigan, so if you want me, get a

I don't need to, because I'm already married to one.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it'll be a month of Sundays before you get another two.

used to be a lot closer.

Looks like Miss Missy Miss is getting a visit from Mr. Hangover.

Oh, my Lord.

What are you off to, a luau?

No, I still haven't locked in my new look.

Surfer dude, what do you think?

I think you're gonna make me blow chunks.

Uh, well, what's gotten into you lately?

I don't think you've ever had a drink in your life.

Last night, you turned into the St. Polly girl.

I've been sneaking out of house, breaking my curfew. It's like lately I'm

somebody I don't even know.

So I can relate.

I'm there too.

I guess we're just trying to find ourselves.

Well, that's right.

You know, Laura, if you ever need anybody to talk to, a pair of broad

to lay your burdens on, I'm always available.

Thank you, Steve.

I really appreciate that.

And I'm also available if you'd like to pick up where we left off.

But I didn't plant anything big or wet anywhere near you.

Oh, yes, you did.

Why, you laid a kiss on me that, that singed my nostril hairs.

The kind of kiss that changes things forever between you and me.

Steve.

Oh, now, come on, Laura.

You're honestly saying you don't remember that kiss?

Sorry, baby.

Aren't any different between you and me?

Steve, trust me.

Things are exactly the same between us.

That kiss was the greatest moment of my life.

And Laura doesn't even remember it.

Ooh, that's it.

Ten more.

And nine. And eight. Now tighten those buttocks and feel the burn.

Hurt me, baby.

All right.

Come on.

Excuse me.

Pardon me? Mm -hmm.

Would you mind passing me my newspaper, please?

Certainly. Thank you. Can I trouble you for my magazine?

Oh, no, no, no problem.

Oh, my goodness.

I don't believe this.

Now, you two both started out doing something really nice for each other.

But this thing has gotten way out of hand.

Now, Dad, I know you love Mom.

And Mom, I know you love Dad. And that's all that really matters here.

Now, work it out.

And the night's not over yet.

When we get home, we're going to make some popcorn.

And put in that tape of the Bears game.

Harriet, have I got a surprise for you. A surprise?

Now, take a look right up there.

And I thought of it all by myself.

It's wonderful.

And Harriet loves college, too.

Eat it, Ray.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that, um, it means that I save 50 % if I share the

blimp with Ray.

Happy anniversary.

Girl,

this weave is fierce.

Let's face it, I'm good.

Can I borrow your black shirt Friday night?

You know, the one with the pearl buttons.

Did I tell you that Will Smith asked me to marry him?

Hey, this is only a conversation if two people talk.

I'm sorry.

I'm sleeping on my mom for the last couple days.

Ooh, that patch of smart hair on your chin.

It's just that ever since Dave started improving himself, I find myself sort

of, kind of, well, you know, attracted to him.

This explains it. Can cause brain damage.

I'm serious.

Remember last night when Steve said I kissed him, but I told him I didn't

remember because I was too drunk?

Yeah. Well, I wasn't that drunk.

You remember the kiss?

Oh, yeah.

And you liked it?

Oh, yeah.

Girl, you actually like Steve.

Uncle?

I'm starting to.