Original subtitles

Stevie. Hi, Myra. Oh, come on in, my little cheese nip.

Uh, Stevie, did the Latin club steal your clothes again?

Oh, no, not this time.

Well, I'm still searching for my new look.

The perfect look for me.

Well, keep searching.

It doesn't reveal enough of your bodacious bod.

You know how much I enjoy licking at your boom -ba -ba -boom -boom buns.

Myra, please, leave my boom -ba -ba -boom -booms out of this.

Come on, give Mama what she wants.

Boom -ba -ba -boom -boom.

hoochie mamas.

Sorry, girl.

I just wanted to check out myself from all angles.

And that takes five mirrors.

Wow. Those fake diamond earrings look terrific.

Thanks. They're not fake. They're my mother's. And she loaned them to you?

Well, she would have.

If I had asked.

Uh -oh.

Well, she wasn't home.

So I just pretended to ask.

And then you just pretended that she said yes.

Pretend conversations always turn out good for me.

Don't worry, I'll put them back before she even knows they're gone.

Oh, listen.

If you see any guys looking at me with that mean, dangerous stare... Yeah?

point them out to me. All right.

Is today your blessed day?

No.

There was a blackout, and I just decided to read by the light of the cupcake!

Gee, I'm... I'm sorry, Steve.

But I had to work a double shift today, and I guess I just forgot.

Not true.

Steve, we all... We all... Love

you.

But do you love me enough to stay up late with me and play Twister all night?

No way.

But I'll tell you what I will do.

This weekend, you and I will spend some time together.

You really mean it? Sure.

Just the two of us.

walkie -talkies.

Pinky swear.

Pinky swear.

You go ahead and keep that one. I'll get a fresh one.

I still can't believe that Tommy Williams asked me out.

Well, there were only two women left at the club, and I already told him no.

Thanks a lot.

Girl, hey, what happened to your other earring?

Girl, don't even play, because if I lost my mother...

snowing you.

Maybe somebody felt it at the club.

Hey, maybe you lost it while you were doing this.

Maybe you lose it when I do this.

Yes, hi, this is Laura Winslow. Yeah, yeah, I know you're closed, but did

happen to find a diamond earring there tonight?

Well, he's still laughing.

What am I going to do? That earring is worth $500.

Can you replace it before your mom finds out?

Yeah. Yeah, I can just work overtime at Ferguson's until I save enough money to

buy another one. Cool. Problem solved.

Yeah.

But in the meantime, I just got to hope and pray my father doesn't take my

mother anyplace fancy.

Knowing your father, you've got a good shot.

Commissioner Geis, what a surprise.

Hope you don't mind my dropping by unannounced. Oh, no, no, no. Come on in.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Well,

Winslow, I'll tell you one thing after looking around this house.

What's that, sir? You are definitely not on the take.

It's a joke, Winslow. Chill out.

And a good one, too, sir.

Winslow, have you ever been duck hunting?

No, sir, no. Well, me neither.

But my son has just given me a commemorative shotgun to celebrate my 40

the force. Well, congratulations, sir. Well, I kind of like to break the gun

I thought I'd take a little drive up to Lake Lenore, bag a few birds. Oh, I'd

love to, sir. Well, good.

And I want to tell you that I am honored that you would choose me. Oh, come on.

You're fun to pal around with. Oh, thank you, sir. Besides, my car's in the

shop.

going hunting?

Oh, you told Eno.

And Eno and I have a standing arrangement.

I pay him ten bucks a month to keep me informed about what you're doing.

That's terrible.

Well, you think that's bad? I give him fifteen a month for Laura.

Gouger.

Well, I'm sorry, Steve, but you just could not come along today.

It's just gonna be me and my boss.

But it's the weekend, and you promised we could hang out together.

Well, I know, but we're just gonna have to hang out next weekend.

very sorry.

But you just cannot come along today.

I see.

Apparently your promises are like a cheap, flimsy bra on my rack.

You can go.

Yes!

Thanks, big guy.

But you know, it gets pretty cold up at Lake Lenore.

So you better get a sweater.

Oh, thank you, Wendell. You can see here, this is a special edition limited

Wayne model.

Well, your son has excellent taste, Pilgrim.

Huh? It's a joke, Commissioner.

Oh, oh.

Next time warn me, will you?

Well,

the ducks should be showing up.

I think I see something. What?

Ah!

Woo -hoo! We're done!

Steve! Ooh!

Chili!

Listen, Carl, you better get yourself a new rearview mirror. I was behind you

for miles, and you never saw me once.

Who is that?

His name is Steve Urkels.

Maybe they're not flying south this winter. Maybe they're taking the train.

That's a joke.

at work is retiring and we're taking out to lunch come on you hate me are you i

know we're celebrating

Do you really want to rub your wealth in her face like that?

Maybe you're right. Oh, I know I'm right.

No, no, no, no, no. I feel better than my dad. Mom!

Don't go into dangerous neighborhoods with those expensive earrings.

Laura, we're going to the Park Carlton.

We're going to be in the Crystal Room.

Crystal Room. Oh, Mom.

That place is loaded with gangbangers.

Haven't you heard?

They order escargot and then throw the empty shells at old people.

I've made up my mind. I'm wearing my diamond earrings.

Ma, I got something to tell you.

I borrowed your earrings a few nights ago, and then I lost one of them.

This one?

a sizzle club called looking for you.

Found your earring and was nice enough to return it. What a relief.

Laura, if you wanted to borrow the earrings, why didn't you just ask?

Well, you weren't around.

Then you might have said no.

Well, I'm sorry I lost your earring.

Laura, I'm not upset about these earrings.

I'm upset that you kept it a secret.

I was just so embarrassed. I mean, it was so stupid.

Like I was, like, five years old or something.

Honey, when you were five years old, you would tell me everything.

You still can.

Thanks, Mom.

No more secrets, okay?

No more secrets.

Hey,

wait a minute.

Yeah, looks good with this outfit, doesn't it?

Hey, is that a duck?

No, sir, it's an airplane.

Oh, I see. I was hoping it was a duck.

Oh, well, if it's ducks you want, I can give ducks.

All I have to do is use my super duck house.

What?

Does that thing work?

Couple teats on this, baby, and we'll be up to our necklucks and guts.

You? Nothing. His gun is crap.

Hey, Steve, blow your duck horn again.

I will not!

I, for one, am glad you didn't hit anything.

I thought I could come out here with you guys and be an observer, but this is

barbaric. This is too cruel.

Let's reload.

and see if you possess the dark, evil ugliness it takes to end a life.

Can you really do such a horrible thing, Commissioner?

Yep.

Wait, wait, wait. What? Oh, my God, she's a mother.

Oh,

Commissioner.

If you kill her now, she'll be sitting in her young to sturdy doom.

Do you want to have that on your conscience for the rest of your life?

want to hear their cute little cheats in your dreams at night?

I

guess

not.

Okay,

mine's empty anyway.

Let me see. Now, wait a minute.

You be real careful with this, huh?