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1
00:00:01,130 --> 00:00:04,450
It better be good, because I left my
archery class just to get here on time.
2
00:00:05,090 --> 00:00:07,450
You have to wear that get -up for
archery class?
3
00:00:08,070 --> 00:00:09,270
No, I don't have to.
4
00:00:09,470 --> 00:00:11,290
But it really throws off my opponents.
5
00:00:12,690 --> 00:00:15,110
Well, who can hit a thing when they're
laughing so hard?
6
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,750
Hello, girls.
7
00:00:17,890 --> 00:00:18,890
Hi, Mama.
8
00:00:19,490 --> 00:00:21,330
Myra, I don't even want to know.
9
00:00:23,510 --> 00:00:26,010
Mrs. Winslow, what do you want to talk
to us about?
10
00:00:26,330 --> 00:00:30,710
Well... This year, Ferguson's sponsoring
the Miss Downtown Chicago Beauty
11
00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:33,230
Pageant, and I've been selected to share
a woman.
12
00:00:33,530 --> 00:00:34,530
Listen,
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it's going to be really exciting, and
you'll never believe who I got to host
14
00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:39,590
show. Who?
15
00:00:39,950 --> 00:00:40,950
Emmanuel Lewis.
16
00:00:41,970 --> 00:00:44,530
You've got TV's Webster?
17
00:00:44,970 --> 00:00:47,430
I love him. He's such a cutie.
18
00:00:49,770 --> 00:00:50,950
Can we meet him?
19
00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:52,530
Well, of course you can.
20
00:00:53,510 --> 00:00:54,530
If, uh...
21
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You all agree to be contestants?
22
00:00:57,790 --> 00:01:01,450
Oh, no. No way.
23
00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:02,750
Well, why not?
24
00:01:02,850 --> 00:01:06,970
Well, it is so sexist. I'm not marching
in a bathing suit parade. Yeah, who
25
00:01:06,970 --> 00:01:09,810
would? I mean, we have too much self
-respect for that.
26
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I'll do it.
27
00:01:15,350 --> 00:01:16,450
Thank you, Myra.
28
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,930
Girls, the contest doesn't have a
bathing suit competition.
29
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It's based on poise and talent and
personality.
30
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,520
I don't know, Mrs. Winslow. I mean, the
whole idea of a beauty pageant is so
31
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played out.
32
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Did I mention that the winner would be
receiving a $5 ,000 shopping spree from
33
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Ferguson's? We're there for you.
34
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There's a beauty contest.
35
00:02:00,430 --> 00:02:04,770
And I want to let everybody know how
glamorous and poor as I am.
36
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:20,790
Carl, I've got a big problem.
37
00:02:21,330 --> 00:02:23,770
Emmanuel Lewis calling. This flight has
been canceled.
38
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,410
Oh, honey, that's terrible.
39
00:02:25,890 --> 00:02:28,390
Oh, one engine goes out and they panic.
40
00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:35,620
Well, honey, what are you going to do
with the pageants tonight?
41
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,180
Oh, I don't know, Carl.
42
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,440
Hey,
43
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I might be able to get Oprah.
44
00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:44,780
Oprah Winfrey?
45
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,760
No, no, no, no, Oprah Gonzalez.
46
00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:53,720
She works in cosmetics, and she can
whistle feelings through a lipstick
47
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,000
Well, honey, you know, you could.
48
00:03:02,780 --> 00:03:08,040
Go that way, but you could get somebody
with a little style,
49
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:13,660
a little panache,
50
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,460
and a whole lot of charisma.
51
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:22,140
You could go with somebody like me.
52
00:03:44,650 --> 00:03:45,650
fellow Chicagoans.
53
00:03:47,050 --> 00:03:53,870
Now... Well,
54
00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:55,850
hi there, windy cityites.
55
00:03:59,290 --> 00:04:01,510
Now... Hey, Dad.
56
00:04:01,790 --> 00:04:03,970
Am I on? No, no, no, no, no.
57
00:04:04,430 --> 00:04:07,110
You got a few minutes. Now, don't
forget.
58
00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:11,810
After the music cue and the follow
lights dim, you cross downstage to your
59
00:04:11,870 --> 00:04:12,870
All right?
60
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,260
When I shove, you walk to the X.
61
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,180
Oh, thank you, son. Okay.
62
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,560
I'm going to go check on the girls. Hey,
I thought you just did that.
63
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,620
Yep, and I'm going to keep on doing it
until I get it right.
64
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,520
Carl, the show's about to start. Are you
okay? Am I okay?
65
00:04:36,660 --> 00:04:39,460
Hey, honey, prepare to be dazzled.
66
00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:41,000
Prepare to be stunned.
67
00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:42,540
Prepare to...
68
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:46,740
flies open.
69
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,200
Harriet,
70
00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:58,480
look, it's Webster. It's Webster.
71
00:04:59,180 --> 00:05:01,880
Well, actually, Webster is a fictional
character.
72
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,680
I'm Emanuel Lewis, but you can call me
Manny.
73
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,120
You hear that, Harriet?
74
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:08,800
He said I could call him Manny.
75
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,900
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you,
Manny.
76
00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:15,090
Didn't say you could call me Manny.
77
00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,150
Gotcha!
78
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,510
What is it? I thought your flight was
canceled.
79
00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:25,490
It was, it was, but I hopped on my
Harley and drove over.
80
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:27,570
I hope you haven't replaced me yet.
81
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:31,270
Well, actually... Of course not. You're
irreplaceable.
82
00:05:32,350 --> 00:05:38,990
Well, I was supposed to be the temporary
fill -in backup guy.
83
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,350
I took a few moments to write a...
84
00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:44,280
A few quips from the Reader's Digest.
85
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:50,020
I was going to use them, but since
you're here, you can.
86
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:57,460
You know, you look so cool in your tux,
and you did all the work. Why don't we
87
00:05:57,460 --> 00:05:58,460
host this together?
88
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,240
Wow.
89
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:04,840
Thanks, Manny.
90
00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:07,520
Does that mean we split the money, too?
91
00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:09,860
Friendly, not crazy.
92
00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:36,110
you can be in a Miss Downtown Chicago
contest when you don't even live in
93
00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:37,110
Chicago.
94
00:06:37,490 --> 00:06:41,570
Well, Big Daddy owns a condo on
Lakeshore Drive.
95
00:06:42,690 --> 00:06:43,690
Since when?
96
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,830
Since I told him I wanted to be in this
contest.
97
00:06:50,590 --> 00:06:52,510
Now let me ask you a question.
98
00:06:53,690 --> 00:06:57,730
How can you be in a beauty contest with
a puss like that?
99
00:07:06,350 --> 00:07:07,129
all together.
100
00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:09,030
The dog show is next week.
101
00:07:47,430 --> 00:07:51,630
I agree. All this bickering is bumming
out my perkiness.
102
00:07:53,810 --> 00:07:58,070
Oh, come on, girls. The only reason why
Myrtle is here is to make another play
103
00:07:58,070 --> 00:07:59,070
for Eddie.
104
00:08:00,010 --> 00:08:02,330
For once, ham thighs is right.
105
00:08:05,630 --> 00:08:12,090
After I'm certified as a true beauty
queen, Edward will sop me up like a
106
00:08:12,090 --> 00:08:13,090
does gravy.
107
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,420
conscious, because that's only going to
happen in your dreams.
108
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:25,860
Okay, ladies.
109
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:30,000
Listen up. You got five minutes to make
yourselves beautiful.
110
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,980
How do I look, Anna?
111
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,820
Like you could use five days.
112
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:43,280
Ladies and gentlemen, Ferguson's
Department Store is proud to present the
113
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,620
annual Miss Downtown Chicago Beauty
Pageant.
114
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:52,870
And here are your co -hosts for the
evening, Emmanuel Lewis and Carl
115
00:08:59,390 --> 00:09:00,630
Thank you, thank you.
116
00:09:01,270 --> 00:09:02,270
Good evening,
117
00:09:03,690 --> 00:09:07,990
everybody. It's great to be here. I'm
always a little nervous when I come to
118
00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:10,190
Windy City. I might get blown away.
119
00:09:15,950 --> 00:09:18,710
to beat my pill holes. Carl Winslow,
give him a round of applause.
120
00:09:22,490 --> 00:09:24,590
Say Carl, how are you tonight?
121
00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:25,930
Excited?
122
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,950
You're right.
123
00:09:34,210 --> 00:09:36,410
It's time to meet our contestants.
124
00:09:36,870 --> 00:09:40,230
Here they are, 15 of the most beautiful
girls in Chicago.
125
00:10:44,330 --> 00:10:45,330
You okay, Carl?
126
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,110
Oh, yeah,
127
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:50,250
Manny, I'm okay.
128
00:10:50,830 --> 00:10:52,550
I don't think I'm going to vomit again.
129
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,850
Good, because I only bought two Texas.
130
00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:00,850
Here, Dad, I brought you some more
water. Oh, thank you, son.
131
00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:03,490
Whoa, look out!
132
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:47,740
Oh, yes, it is.
133
00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:50,180
Is something wrong?
134
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:54,440
No offense, sweetie, but your breath
smells like roadkill.
135
00:15:47,310 --> 00:15:49,930
I want to get to the bottom of it. Well,
you better, Mom, because some terrible
136
00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:53,070
things have happened. Yeah, to every
single one of us. Yeah.
137
00:15:54,410 --> 00:15:58,870
Well, everybody except... Myrtle!
138
00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:08,250
Some horrific things have happened to
me, too.
139
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:11,930
Some hussy stole my fake fingernails.
140
00:16:13,010 --> 00:16:15,970
Now, I don't know who the culprit is,
but God...
141
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,540
watching. Are you kidding?
142
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,320
You're behind this. This is just your
style.
143
00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:29,460
What would you know about style, you
buck -toothed, hammer -toed, hippo -hip
144
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:30,460
hoochie mama?
145
00:16:48,939 --> 00:16:54,540
pocketbook murder did you do these
things i swear not and if i lie
146
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:27,220
confused to do I'm so so sorry and
deeply ashamed
147
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:34,220
I was so desperate to win the affections
of my Edward that I
148
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:41,220
stooped at such chicanery now now we've
all done vicious mean things
149
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:48,040
to other people in the name of love
Thank You Myra but what I did
150
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,160
was inexcusable
151
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,300
I shall withdraw from the pageant.
152
00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:56,540
That will be the thing to do, Myrtle.
153
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:07,860
Then let me say, no matter who of you is
crowned queen, you're
154
00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:09,360
all queens in my heart.
155
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:25,090
Maybe she had some class after all.
156
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,870
Well, you'd better get out on stage.
They're going to announce the winner.
157
00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:55,730
It's been a lot of fun working with you,
buddy.
158
00:18:56,110 --> 00:18:57,550
Right back at you, Manny.
159
00:18:58,630 --> 00:19:00,390
Hey, I'm finally getting the hang of
this.
160
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:03,330
Just in time, too. The show's almost
over.
161
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,870
And now, it's time to announce our
winner.
162
00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:12,030
Let's bring out those lovely ladies one
more time.
163
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:24,390
Who were the other girls?
164
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:25,750
Oh, they were Drew.
165
00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:27,870
Apparently, they couldn't stay in the
competition.
166
00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:29,750
I went by the boobs.
167
00:19:32,610 --> 00:19:33,670
Now, give me that crown.
168
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:35,630
Give it here.
169
00:19:35,970 --> 00:19:37,610
And start the music, buster.
12992
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