Original subtitles

It better be good, because I left my archery class just to get here on time.

You have to wear that get -up for archery class?

No, I don't have to.

But it really throws off my opponents.

Well, who can hit a thing when they're laughing so hard?

Hello, girls.

Hi, Mama.

Myra, I don't even want to know.

Mrs. Winslow, what do you want to talk to us about?

Well... This year, Ferguson's sponsoring the Miss Downtown Chicago Beauty

Pageant, and I've been selected to share a woman.

Listen,

it's going to be really exciting, and you'll never believe who I got to host

show. Who?

Emmanuel Lewis.

You've got TV's Webster?

I love him. He's such a cutie.

Can we meet him?

Well, of course you can.

If, uh...

You all agree to be contestants?

Oh, no. No way.

Well, why not?

Well, it is so sexist. I'm not marching in a bathing suit parade. Yeah, who

would? I mean, we have too much self -respect for that.

I'll do it.

Thank you, Myra.

Girls, the contest doesn't have a bathing suit competition.

It's based on poise and talent and personality.

I don't know, Mrs. Winslow. I mean, the whole idea of a beauty pageant is so

played out.

Did I mention that the winner would be receiving a $5 ,000 shopping spree from

Ferguson's? We're there for you.

There's a beauty contest.

And I want to let everybody know how glamorous and poor as I am.

Carl, I've got a big problem.

Emmanuel Lewis calling. This flight has been canceled.

Oh, honey, that's terrible.

Oh, one engine goes out and they panic.

Well, honey, what are you going to do with the pageants tonight?

Oh, I don't know, Carl.

Hey,

I might be able to get Oprah.

Oprah Winfrey?

No, no, no, no, Oprah Gonzalez.

She works in cosmetics, and she can whistle feelings through a lipstick

Well, honey, you know, you could.

Go that way, but you could get somebody with a little style,

a little panache,

and a whole lot of charisma.

You could go with somebody like me.

fellow Chicagoans.

Now... Well,

hi there, windy cityites.

Now... Hey, Dad.

Am I on? No, no, no, no, no.

You got a few minutes. Now, don't forget.

After the music cue and the follow lights dim, you cross downstage to your

All right?

When I shove, you walk to the X.

Oh, thank you, son. Okay.

I'm going to go check on the girls. Hey, I thought you just did that.

Yep, and I'm going to keep on doing it until I get it right.

Carl, the show's about to start. Are you okay? Am I okay?

Hey, honey, prepare to be dazzled.

Prepare to be stunned.

Prepare to...

flies open.

Harriet,

look, it's Webster. It's Webster.

Well, actually, Webster is a fictional character.

I'm Emanuel Lewis, but you can call me Manny.

You hear that, Harriet?

He said I could call him Manny.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Manny.

Didn't say you could call me Manny.

Gotcha!

What is it? I thought your flight was canceled.

It was, it was, but I hopped on my Harley and drove over.

I hope you haven't replaced me yet.

Well, actually... Of course not. You're irreplaceable.

Well, I was supposed to be the temporary fill -in backup guy.

I took a few moments to write a...

A few quips from the Reader's Digest.

I was going to use them, but since you're here, you can.

You know, you look so cool in your tux, and you did all the work. Why don't we

host this together?

Wow.

Thanks, Manny.

Does that mean we split the money, too?

Friendly, not crazy.

you can be in a Miss Downtown Chicago contest when you don't even live in

Chicago.

Well, Big Daddy owns a condo on Lakeshore Drive.

Since when?

Since I told him I wanted to be in this contest.

Now let me ask you a question.

How can you be in a beauty contest with a puss like that?

all together.

The dog show is next week.

I agree. All this bickering is bumming out my perkiness.

Oh, come on, girls. The only reason why Myrtle is here is to make another play

for Eddie.

For once, ham thighs is right.

After I'm certified as a true beauty queen, Edward will sop me up like a

does gravy.

conscious, because that's only going to happen in your dreams.

Okay, ladies.

Listen up. You got five minutes to make yourselves beautiful.

How do I look, Anna?

Like you could use five days.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ferguson's Department Store is proud to present the

annual Miss Downtown Chicago Beauty Pageant.

And here are your co -hosts for the evening, Emmanuel Lewis and Carl

Thank you, thank you.

Good evening,

everybody. It's great to be here. I'm always a little nervous when I come to

Windy City. I might get blown away.

to beat my pill holes. Carl Winslow, give him a round of applause.

Say Carl, how are you tonight?

Excited?

You're right.

It's time to meet our contestants.

Here they are, 15 of the most beautiful girls in Chicago.

You okay, Carl?

Oh, yeah,

Manny, I'm okay.

I don't think I'm going to vomit again.

Good, because I only bought two Texas.

Here, Dad, I brought you some more water. Oh, thank you, son.

Whoa, look out!

Oh, yes, it is.

Is something wrong?

No offense, sweetie, but your breath smells like roadkill.

I want to get to the bottom of it. Well, you better, Mom, because some terrible

things have happened. Yeah, to every single one of us. Yeah.

Well, everybody except... Myrtle!

Some horrific things have happened to me, too.

Some hussy stole my fake fingernails.

Now, I don't know who the culprit is, but God...

watching. Are you kidding?

You're behind this. This is just your style.

What would you know about style, you buck -toothed, hammer -toed, hippo -hip

hoochie mama?

pocketbook murder did you do these things i swear not and if i lie

confused to do I'm so so sorry and deeply ashamed

I was so desperate to win the affections of my Edward that I

stooped at such chicanery now now we've all done vicious mean things

to other people in the name of love Thank You Myra but what I did

was inexcusable

I shall withdraw from the pageant.

That will be the thing to do, Myrtle.

Then let me say, no matter who of you is crowned queen, you're

all queens in my heart.

Maybe she had some class after all.

Well, you'd better get out on stage. They're going to announce the winner.

It's been a lot of fun working with you, buddy.

Right back at you, Manny.

Hey, I'm finally getting the hang of this.

Just in time, too. The show's almost over.

And now, it's time to announce our winner.

Let's bring out those lovely ladies one more time.

Who were the other girls?

Oh, they were Drew.

Apparently, they couldn't stay in the competition.

I went by the boobs.

Now, give me that crown.

Give it here.

And start the music, buster.