Original subtitles

Hey, Pete.

Hey, Anna.

Wow. This is the earliest you've ever come home from a date with Greta.

Yeah, well, Greta had a cold sore on her lip.

Oh, yeah.

Heaven forbid you'd want to talk to the girl.

Hey, we talk.

But there's only so much you can say about a cold sore.

Uh -oh.

I've seen this move before.

Don't know where to run out of bear claws?

No.

Today was much more fun than that, Harriet.

Today, once again, a younger, less experienced man was promoted to captain

me.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Carl.

Oh, why be sorry over a thing like that, Harriet?

Hey, I got to go to a party.

There were balloons.

And I got to eat four pieces of good luck Larry cake.

I figured if I couldn't have the man's job, I could at least have most of his

cake.

Carl, you should be happy for Larry. He probably worked very hard for that

promotion. Oh, please.

The word is schmoozed, Harriet.

Larry schmoozed his way to the top.

Oh, he pressed the flesh and worked the room and sucked up...

Well, that's not your style, Carl.

Well, it is now.

This is my 20th year as a cop.

And I'm gonna use it to throw a schmooze fest.

You mean a little gathering here at the house?

Oh, no.

Little gatherings are for little people, Harriet.

And Carl Winslow is not a little person.

Chiefs.

Maybe even the commissioner.

Yep, it's time for me to sucky up to the mucky mucks.

Yeah, but that's gonna cost a lot of bucky bucks.

Not if you do the cooking.

Good lucky luck.

Wait a minute now.

I'm not talking... Carl, I don't mind helping you out with this, but I work

day. I don't have time to cook a meal for the 8th Precinct.

Well, I'm not talking about... Carl, listen, if you insist on throwing this

party, then do it right.

while I dispense money.

Hello?

Is Bob Walls there?

Is Jim Walls there?

Are there any Walls there?

No Walls? Then how in the heck do you know... up your roof.

Say a good one, 3J.

Hey, let's call the car wash again and ask for a needle wax job.

Let's go see a movie.

Can't. We don't have any money. So?

I'm not sneaking into the movies, 3J.

Hand the man some respect here, Richard.

Does this look like a face of a kid who would sneak in the movies?

Oh, yeah.

the face of a natural born money man.

This is the face of a kid who'd rather wait for his allowance.

Okay, fine.

You're going to see the movie whenever.

I'm going to see the movie today.

Maybe twice.

And, uh, how are you going to do that?

I'm going to ask people for money and tell them it's for charity.

What charity?

The Poor Unfortunate Children's Charity.

But that's lying.

No, it's not.

And that's real unfortunate.

Oh.

Wow.

Tasty.

Salty. Guys.

Oh, boy.

Guys.

Oh, I like the shell.

Guys.

These people are pirates, every last one of them.

What's the matter, Dad?

Oh, I'm trying to get a caterer, and the lowest estimate I've gotten is $3 ,000.

Hiring a caterer? But why, Elder Winslow?

Well, don't you know?

House are in a big sucker bash.

It's called politicking, Steve.

Politicking, sucking up.

me that you're a great cook oh i wouldn't say that nonsense why

she packs me a lunch every day look at this pot i'm a whale yeah well look

do you think you can whip up something for 50 people say for a thousand dollars

i suppose if i didn't charge anything for my own labor

Son, are you still hanging around with those deadbeat musicians I told you not

to hang out with?

Yeah. Good.

Well, look, you think you guys can work up a few numbers for my party?

Well, can we play the stuff we like to play? Or do we have to play lame,

old people music?

Lame, boring, old people music.

Oh.

But I'll pay you $500.

All right.

Which I will deduct from the year's rent you already owe me. Oh.

Well, sweetheart, I was going to ask you to park cars, but that's just as good.

Park cars, huh?

Everybody's got something to do except for me.

What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?

Well, Steve, let's see.

Oh, well, we do need salsa for the nachos.

Oh, great.

Where can I get it?

Mexico.

cooking in our kitchen. She says it makes a mess.

Now, as much as I love you two little scamps, get your tiny heinies out of

You're right, Vivian. The kids shouldn't have done that.

No, no. They shouldn't have done that.

I agree. They shouldn't have done that.

Oh, Vivian, I've got to run. Someone's at the door.

I know. They shouldn't have done that.

Whoa.

Get over here.

Sit down. We need to have a little talk.

What about?

About the poor, unfortunate children's charity.

Uh -oh.

Lathrop told me that you two were collecting money from the whole

Well, not really. A lot of people went home.

You know, it's wrong to take money under false pretenses.

It's like stealing.

We're sorry.

What did you do with the money you collected?

We used the money to go to the movies.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

You're gonna do chores for all the neighbors you collected money from until

all paid back in full.

Yes, ma 'am.

Also, there'll be no movies, TV, or video games for a week.

Ouch! If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Now, come on, let me fix you something to eat.

Oh, and by the way, I know about those crank calls, too.

Boy, you find out about everything.

And don't you forget it. Let's go.

Commissioner Geis.

Well, thank you for coming this evening, sir. Oh, it's my pleasure, Winslow.

Say, this is quite an affair.

Well, sir, if there's one thing I've learned in the 20 years of dodging

and fighting the good fight and training seven guys who've been promoted ahead

of me, you gotta give back the good.

Huh?

What I mean to say is that, you know, if you're enjoying the egg rolls and the

nachos, it's Carl Winslow's humble way of saying, enjoy the egg rolls and the

nachos.

You tanked, Winslow?

No, sir, I'm just giddy with gladness, sir.

Good. Where do we sit?

Right over here.

A charm, Harriet.

It's working like a charm.

It's a nice party, Carl.

But people are saying really nice things about you. Hey, I'm just kicking myself

for not thinking of this sooner.

And you just wait, babe.

I'm going to be a captain before we serve dessert.

It smells fun.

I want to thank you all for coming tonight.

You know, there's a little story connected to how I chose to pass the law

enforcement. I'm hungry.

So let's eat.

Myra, where did you buy this pepper? I didn't buy it. It was in a cloth sack in

your kitchen.

a chicken grease off a glass eye?

No, sir.

Well, my wife is about to find out.

My office Monday morning, first thing.

And start practicing groveling.

I will, sir. Thank you, sir. Forgive me, sir.

Not bad, not bad. Keep practicing.

It's not your fault.

What?

Carl, the blame for what happened tonight rests squarely on your own

Well, how do you figure that, Harriet? You cut too many corners, Carl. What are

you talking about?

Instead of hiring a professional caterer, you drafted these kids.

And let's be honest, Carl.

This whole party thing was just a shortcut to a promotion.

Well, so what? It would have worked if the entrees had not...

It's not your way.

It isn't?

No.

You got to where you are by hard work and dedication.

And, honey, when you get that promotion, it's going to be because you did a

better job than the next guy.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Steve, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

That's okay, big guy.

Exploding poultry can affect the best of us.

Hey, Winslow.

Oh, yes, yes, sir.

I was thinking how you might redeem yourself on Monday.

Oh, oh, name it, sir. Yeah, bring in the recipe for those chickens.

My mother -in -law's coming to dinner next week.

That turkey's not going to blow up, is it?

Relax, Carl. I made the stuffing myself.

Happy Turkey Day!

What,

are you two going to a costume party?

Thanksgiving with Steve Urkel.