Original subtitles

Tonight's episode of Family Matters is a little scary.

So you might want to watch it with somebody brave.

Don't worry, Uncle Steve.

Yeah, man.

We're here for you.

Guys, can we turn on the light?

there, Steve?

Feast your eyes on this.

A dummy

that looks exactly like Steve.

How disturbing.

Okay, now, the key to being a good ventriloquist is to give the dummy a

funny voice.

wooden friend, does your mom know where you are?

My mom doesn't know anything.

My mom is a telephone pole in Kansas City.

Telephone pole. Get it, get it, get it. Telephone pole.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, your lips are supposed to flap like that.

Looks like there's a storm coming in.

Thank you, Al Roker.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, nothing.

I'm only the world's worst ventriloquist, right?

Yeah. You blow chunks.

Thanks, Al. Please, don't hold back. Just tell me how you feel.

Well, Steve, I mean, no one's good at everything.

Although I do come awfully close.

I just wish I could make this...

Well, frankly, I can't relate.

I mean, the only doll I want sitting on my lap can talk on her own.

Know what I'm saying?

Nothing with a plywood brain is alive.

Carl, I'm telling you, it moved and it said hi.

I'll prove it to you.

Steve, if this is your new act, it's actually an improvement.

I don't get it.

Steve, has anyone in your family ever checked into the Rubber Ramada?

Well, my Aunt Eve thought she was a man conditioner.

Oh, did they take her away?

Heck no. She kept us cool in the summer.

I don't have time for this.

Me neither. Steve, if you keep having these delusions, you're going to have a

flat eye.

Honey, please, get some rest.

Maybe I have lost my mind.

No, you're fine, Steve.

Oh, Harry is right.

I need to lie down.

My name is Stephen Q. Urkel. My IQ is 196.

jar.

Relax.

Sit down.

Take a load off.

But you're made of wood.

You can't walk.

You can't talk.

Oh, yeah. And I suppose I can't dance either.

You just got what you wished for, pal.

What I wished for?

Yeah, you wanted me to talk. Well, you got it, bucko.

But why didn't you talk in front of the Winslows?

I don't like the Winslows.

But they're the finest family in the whole wide world.

I know.

They make me sick.

The Winslows are in the way, so I'll have to get rid of them.

What a little puppet.

You may look like me, but you're not like me at all.

You're evil.

Hey, I like that.

Evil, huh?

From now on, you can just call me Steve -o.

Come on, you guys better hurry.

And look, tell Charlie's dad that if it starts to rain, bring you guys straight

home. Got it.

And remember, do not eat your candy until I look at it.

Okay, but you remember, don't eat our candy while you look at it.

Well, we can relax.

upstairs in the trunk.

Who? Stable, my dummy.

He has a name now?

Yep. Named himself.

I'm telling you, Carl, he's Satan's sock puppet.

Listen to me, big guy.

That dummy ain't no dummy.

Not only does he talk, but what he says, oh, it ain't good.

He's evil.

Evil, Carl.

Steve, I'm seriously afraid.

that you're losing your mind.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, I know, I know. Okay, okay, okay. Urkel's crazy,

Urkel's crazy, Urkel's crazy.

But trust me, the important thing is that Stiebel is locked away.

said that?

Help. Help me.

I'm trapped in the chimney.

Santa?

a very busy dummy.

What are you talking about?

Check out what's behind Murphy bed number one.

from low shelf esteem.

You little monster.

Steve, shut the cupboards. I don't want anyone to see me like this. All right.

Where is it?

Special delivery.

out his head.

She's a little cranky.

Well, Steve, okay.

Maybe your dummy did come to life.

Maybe he is trying to do away with the whole family.

But listen, let's be honest.

Is that so bad?

What?

What are you saying?

Steve, I'm saying lighten up.

Lighten up and...

He's under my control. My new personal puppet.

Watch.

I took my wife to the islands.

Jamaica?

No. She wanted to go.

How? With a lot of fried pickles.

Why are you doing this?

Well, I took care of the Winslow's so we could go on the road together.

I knew you'd never come unless they were out of the way.

Sure. We'll do a ventriloquist act.

Only I'll do the talking and you'll be the dummy.

It's personal.

You were dreaming.

I was?

Why would I have a dream like that?

Well, that's no mystery.

You have an obsessive -compulsive personality which manifests itself in

extreme need to achieve perfection.

You think I need therapy?

surgical procedure will alleviate the problem.

Okay.

What kind of... What are you doing?

Put that down!

Now lie back and close your eyes, because this is really going to hurt.

spring you dreamed that the easter bunny jumped you in the alley and slapped you

pink that was scary at thanksgiving you dreamed that a turkey stuffed you

that one still gives me the willies

Get me a baseball bat. I'm going to knock this dummy up out of his head.

Does everybody love that?

Awesome.