Original subtitles

Come live with me and be my love, and we will all the pleasures prove that hills

and valleys, dales and fields, or woods or steepy mountain yields.

Very funny.

Can any of you Rhodes Scholars tell me who wrote this poem?

Besides Steve.

Laura? Christopher Marlowe?

She's right.

Chris wrote it in 1589 in London in a two -room flat just after dining on a

boiled potato and a beef.

Right as usual, Mr.

Urkel.

Class, I have an announcement to make.

I'm going to be absent for the next two days while I undergo some elective

surgery. Congratulations on your new hair plug, sir.

Principal Shimada and I have conferred and have decided that rather than bring

in a substitute teacher who isn't familiar with the material, we'd like

Urkel to teach the class.

Steve? You mean we're going to learn romantic poetry from Mr. Ha -Ha?

I'm honored, Donald.

Why, I'll do my best in your absence.

Mm -hmm. I know you will.

Here's the lesson plan.

Jokey poetry fan.

Our reading assignment for tomorrow is...

This place looks like it's been hit by a hurricane.

Sweetheart, you're exaggerating.

Downgrade that hurricane to a tropical storm.

Well,

any way you look at it, Carl, the storm clouds are gathering.

I'd love to stay for the argument, but I think I'd better go upstairs and

practice dialing 911.

I'll see you.

Guess I'll go play Crazy Eights with my hamster.

Carl, you promised me you were going to help out around here.

Oh, well, my sweetheart, I am.

And the best way that I can help out is to get out the way while you do your

thing, babe.

While I do my thing?

Carl, we've gone over this a hundred times.

I've asked you to help out, and you say you will, and then I end up doing it all

by myself.

Well, sweetheart...

Is it my fault that you don't wait long enough?

Wait? For what? The fruit flies to be able to condo in the sink?

Well, excuse me, Harriet, but I happen to work a 50 -hour week. When I

come home, I am bone tired.

Carl, I work, too, and I'm way past bone tired.

I need a nap to get to bone tired.

Well, I don't expect it.

Women doing housework, well, that's the natural order of things.

Oh, really?

Sure. It's genetic.

Women have what you call the kitty cat gene.

They have a low tolerance to clutter.

Ladies like things neat and clean and tidy.

You see, men, on the other hand, don't have the kitty cat gene.

rate clutter.

We cherish it. We enjoy it. We revel in it.

Carl, were you shouting ahead at work today?

Harriet, you don't get my point?

No, because I don't have what you have.

What's that?

The jackass jeans.

out of your tires, and I lost track of the time.

Well, that's no excuse.

Even vandals should be punctual.

Now, grab your poetry book class and open them to page 52.

Hey, uh, uh, Urkel. No can do, man. I forgot my book.

I'll repeat, St. Kittles. You only have two things to remember.

Your book's in the name of your parole officer.

keep some spare books in the top right -hand drawer.

You know, if you keep this up, you won't graduate until you're eligible for

Social Security.

You better get back to teaching before they pants you.

Okay, okay.

Now, here's one of my favorites.

William Shakespeare's Sonic Number 18.

Oh, man.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more temperate.

Urkel. You defy me? Flaunt my authority?

Oh, no, Mr.

Urkel. We would never flaunt your authority. Right, Kissel?

Yeah, that's right.

We look

up to you.

Oh, I see you punks want to play what, huh? Well, now they're going to be

clapping erasers after school.

Yeah, right.

Class is dismissed.

freshly scrubbed floors, squeaky clean windows, and a gourmet feast.

Carl, this is wonderful.

Well, you said you needed help, so I, the big kahuna, saw to it that you,

the lovely Mrs. Kahuna, got that help.

I hired a maid.

meet my wife, Harriet.

How do, I'm sure.

Uh -huh.

Would you like me to dry your bath now?

Ooh, sounds good, Ton.

Carl. Huh?

The big kahuna is in deep.

at lunch and it was his favorite squid ala king after what we did to him

yesterday i'll bet jerkles a no -show i say we wait 10 seconds and then bail

Hello, class.

What are you doing here? And what have you done with my

Stevie?

Well, I guess you could say I'm your substitute substitute.

Yesterday, my alter ego, Steve Urkel, had a little problem handling this

So he asked me.

To pinch hit, so to speak.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, class.

Let's do that learning thing.

Let's open our hearts, our souls, and our books to page 47.

Mr.

Robbins.

Do we have a problem?

Yeah.

Poetry makes me hurl.

I see.

Well, let me tell you something, my friend.

If you're going to do something, do it right.

Oh, that's no problem.

Take your pick.

Now, remember, kids, don't try this at home.

Now, what page were we turning to again?

All right.

Ah,

here's a great poem by Izumi Shikibu.

In this world, love has no color.

Yet how deeply my body has been stained by yours.

Mm -hmm.

Lick a stamp and mail that to me.

This is a waste of time. Who cares about some stupid poem?

Shut up! Let him do it. Chill, chill, chill, chill.

Chill, chill. Just relax, relax.

Now, you see, ladies, the free exchange of ideas is what learning is all about.

Now, you know what I think, Robin?

What?

I think there's too little romance in this crazy, cockeyed world.

You see, it's my belief that a woman likes to be wooed.

Romance is for wusses.

Oh, really?

Well, there's a school dance coming up.

And it's no secret that you have got a thing for the divine, Donna.

Oh, jeez.

Have you asked Donna to the dance yet?

Yeah. And what did the delicate flower say?

Well, she said, bite me.

Ouch.

But I'm curious.

How did you ask her?

Got broccoli in my teeth.

And then he says, hey, you, you want to go to the dance and bump butt?

Sounds to me like you could use a crash course in romance.

Come with me, my man.

Uh, what are you doing?

Changing your life.

Read this to Donna.

I really don't think so. Go ahead, read it.

Donna, if I could touch your... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You've got to be smooth.

Gaze into her eyes.

Put some feeling into it.

If I could touch your hand, my love would soar.

If I could touch your heart, it would mean far more.

If the music played and you chose me first,

Only that would quench this lover's thirst.

Pick me up at seven.

Hey,

uh, respond.

I don't have a date.

Hey, can you show me how to be romantic?

Don't worry, my man.

We'll work on it.

Laura, I'd like for you to stay after class.

Why, was I bad?

Not yet.

Hi,

sweetheart. Hi, honey.

Hey, do I smell roast leg of lamb?

Potatoes all grotten?

Buttermilk biscuits and brownies.

That's right.

All your faves.

Ooh, that Tawny is a gem.

Yep.

She's also history.

So you went on ahead and fired her, huh?

No, I didn't have to.

She quit.

Quit? Well, if she quit, then who cooked the lamb?

Oh, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey! Yes, Mrs. Winslow?

This is my husband, Carl.

Carl, this is Jeffrey.

That's Jeffrey with a G. How do you do, sir?

What did you do?

Strangle the lamb yourself?

Well, Jeffrey does have very strong hands.

Gave me a wonderful neck rub this afternoon.

He what?

Madame is looking tight again.

Go up away, Jeffrey.

heard me, Jeffrey, with a G, you are fired with an F.

What is so funny? I'll see you later, Harriet.

Okay, Kitty, thanks a lot.

Kitty?

What is going on here?

Oh, he works in the stockroom down at Ferguson's. Very nice young man. Hold

hold it, hold it, hold it.

Harriet, you set me up.

Oh, yeah.

You see, Carl, I was very uncomfortable having a beautiful woman work as our

maid, no matter how good she was.

You're right, sweetheart.

I should have just done what you asked me to do in the first place, and that

to help out around here.

That's right.

You know, all that stuff about the kitty cat gene I made up, you know. No.

You forgive me?

You forgive me.

But you know, I could be your Jeffrey.

I could be your Tony.

Want a neck rub?

After I draw you a bear.

Well, before I can truly be Jeffrey, I got to be calling eat that dinner.