All language subtitles for family_matters_s07e04_teacher_s_pet

Come live with me and be my love, and we
will all the pleasures prove that hills

and valleys, dales and fields, or woods
or steepy mountain yields.

Very funny.

Can any of you Rhodes Scholars tell me
who wrote this poem?

Besides Steve.

Laura? Christopher Marlowe?

She's right.

Chris wrote it in 1589 in London in a
two -room flat just after dining on a

boiled potato and a beef.

Right as usual, Mr.

Urkel.

Class, I have an announcement to make.

I'm going to be absent for the next two
days while I undergo some elective

surgery. Congratulations on your new
hair plug, sir.

Principal Shimada and I have conferred
and have decided that rather than bring

in a substitute teacher who isn't
familiar with the material, we'd like

Urkel to teach the class.

Steve? You mean we're going to learn
romantic poetry from Mr. Ha -Ha?

I'm honored, Donald.

Why, I'll do my best in your absence.

Mm -hmm. I know you will.

Here's the lesson plan.

Jokey poetry fan.

Our reading assignment for tomorrow
is...

This place looks like it's been hit by a
hurricane.

Sweetheart, you're exaggerating.

Downgrade that hurricane to a tropical
storm.

Well,

any way you look at it, Carl, the storm
clouds are gathering.

I'd love to stay for the argument, but I
think I'd better go upstairs and

practice dialing 911.

I'll see you.

Guess I'll go play Crazy Eights with my
hamster.

Carl, you promised me you were going to
help out around here.

Oh, well, my sweetheart, I am.

And the best way that I can help out is
to get out the way while you do your

thing, babe.

While I do my thing?

Carl, we've gone over this a hundred
times.

I've asked you to help out, and you say
you will, and then I end up doing it all

by myself.

Well, sweetheart...

Is it my fault that you don't wait long
enough?

Wait? For what? The fruit flies to be
able to condo in the sink?

Well, excuse me, Harriet, but I happen
to work a 50 -hour week. When I

come home, I am bone tired.

Carl, I work, too, and I'm way past bone
tired.

I need a nap to get to bone tired.

Well, I don't expect it.

Women doing housework, well, that's the
natural order of things.

Oh, really?

Sure. It's genetic.

Women have what you call the kitty cat
gene.

They have a low tolerance to clutter.

Ladies like things neat and clean and
tidy.

You see, men, on the other hand, don't
have the kitty cat gene.

rate clutter.

We cherish it. We enjoy it. We revel in
it.

Carl, were you shouting ahead at work
today?

Harriet, you don't get my point?

No, because I don't have what you have.

What's that?

The jackass jeans.

out of your tires, and I lost track of
the time.

Well, that's no excuse.

Even vandals should be punctual.

Now, grab your poetry book class and
open them to page 52.

Hey, uh, uh, Urkel. No can do, man. I
forgot my book.

I'll repeat, St. Kittles. You only have
two things to remember.

Your book's in the name of your parole
officer.

keep some spare books in the top right
-hand drawer.

You know, if you keep this up, you won't
graduate until you're eligible for

Social Security.

You better get back to teaching before
they pants you.

Okay, okay.

Now, here's one of my favorites.

William Shakespeare's Sonic Number 18.

Oh, man.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more temperate.

Urkel. You defy me? Flaunt my authority?

Oh, no, Mr.

Urkel. We would never flaunt your
authority. Right, Kissel?

Yeah, that's right.

We look

up to you.

Oh, I see you punks want to play what,
huh? Well, now they're going to be

clapping erasers after school.

Yeah, right.

Class is dismissed.

freshly scrubbed floors, squeaky clean
windows, and a gourmet feast.

Carl, this is wonderful.

Well, you said you needed help, so I,
the big kahuna, saw to it that you,

the lovely Mrs. Kahuna, got that help.

I hired a maid.

meet my wife, Harriet.

How do, I'm sure.

Uh -huh.

Would you like me to dry your bath now?

Ooh, sounds good, Ton.

Carl. Huh?

The big kahuna is in deep.

at lunch and it was his favorite squid
ala king after what we did to him

yesterday i'll bet jerkles a no -show i
say we wait 10 seconds and then bail

Hello, class.

What are you doing here? And what have
you done with my

Stevie?

Well, I guess you could say I'm your
substitute substitute.

Yesterday, my alter ego, Steve Urkel,
had a little problem handling this

So he asked me.

To pinch hit, so to speak.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, class.

Let's do that learning thing.

Let's open our hearts, our souls, and
our books to page 47.

Mr.

Robbins.

Do we have a problem?

Yeah.

Poetry makes me hurl.

I see.

Well, let me tell you something, my
friend.

If you're going to do something, do it
right.

Oh, that's no problem.

Take your pick.

Now, remember, kids, don't try this at
home.

Now, what page were we turning to again?

All right.

Ah,

here's a great poem by Izumi Shikibu.

In this world, love has no color.

Yet how deeply my body has been stained
by yours.

Mm -hmm.

Lick a stamp and mail that to me.

This is a waste of time. Who cares about
some stupid poem?

Shut up! Let him do it. Chill, chill,
chill, chill.

Chill, chill. Just relax, relax.

Now, you see, ladies, the free exchange
of ideas is what learning is all about.

Now, you know what I think, Robin?

What?

I think there's too little romance in
this crazy, cockeyed world.

You see, it's my belief that a woman
likes to be wooed.

Romance is for wusses.

Oh, really?

Well, there's a school dance coming up.

And it's no secret that you have got a
thing for the divine, Donna.

Oh, jeez.

Have you asked Donna to the dance yet?

Yeah. And what did the delicate flower
say?

Well, she said, bite me.

Ouch.

But I'm curious.

How did you ask her?

Got broccoli in my teeth.

And then he says, hey, you, you want to
go to the dance and bump butt?

Sounds to me like you could use a crash
course in romance.

Come with me, my man.

Uh, what are you doing?

Changing your life.

Read this to Donna.

I really don't think so. Go ahead, read
it.

Donna, if I could touch your... No, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You've got to be smooth.

Gaze into her eyes.

Put some feeling into it.

If I could touch your hand, my love
would soar.

If I could touch your heart, it would
mean far more.

If the music played and you chose me
first,

Only that would quench this lover's
thirst.

Pick me up at seven.

Hey,

uh, respond.

I don't have a date.

Hey, can you show me how to be romantic?

Don't worry, my man.

We'll work on it.

Laura, I'd like for you to stay after
class.

Why, was I bad?

Not yet.

Hi,

sweetheart. Hi, honey.

Hey, do I smell roast leg of lamb?

Potatoes all grotten?

Buttermilk biscuits and brownies.

That's right.

All your faves.

Ooh, that Tawny is a gem.

Yep.

She's also history.

So you went on ahead and fired her, huh?

No, I didn't have to.

She quit.

Quit? Well, if she quit, then who cooked
the lamb?

Oh, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey! Yes, Mrs. Winslow?

This is my husband, Carl.

Carl, this is Jeffrey.

That's Jeffrey with a G. How do you do,
sir?

What did you do?

Strangle the lamb yourself?

Well, Jeffrey does have very strong
hands.

Gave me a wonderful neck rub this
afternoon.

He what?

Madame is looking tight again.

Go up away, Jeffrey.

heard me, Jeffrey, with a G, you are
fired with an F.

What is so funny? I'll see you later,
Harriet.

Okay, Kitty, thanks a lot.

Kitty?

What is going on here?

Oh, he works in the stockroom down at
Ferguson's. Very nice young man. Hold

hold it, hold it, hold it.

Harriet, you set me up.

Oh, yeah.

You see, Carl, I was very uncomfortable
having a beautiful woman work as our

maid, no matter how good she was.

You're right, sweetheart.

I should have just done what you asked
me to do in the first place, and that

to help out around here.

That's right.

You know, all that stuff about the kitty
cat gene I made up, you know. No.

You forgive me?

You forgive me.

But you know, I could be your Jeffrey.

I could be your Tony.

Want a neck rub?

After I draw you a bear.

Well, before I can truly be Jeffrey, I
got to be calling eat that dinner.