Original subtitles

Honey, honey, honey, honey, I can't take little Billy to the movies tonight. No,

I'm going to be home late.

Well, I got an emergency call from a woman who said her family is in

distress.

Doctor,

your five o 'clock is here. Oh, send them right in.

They're here.

No, don't worry. Billy's threatened to run away a dozen times.

Oh, hi, I'm Dr.

Miller. Hi.

I'm Harriet Winslow. This is my daughter, Laura, my son, Eddie, and my

Carl.

Hi, Doc.

Gee,

why don't we all, you know, sit down?

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, there's been a lot of tension and hostility in our family lately, and I...

felt that it was not healthy to keep it all bottled up. Well, that's true.

And I was told that you're the top family counselor in Chicago.

Well, that's even more true.

But seriously, though, family tensions are quite normal.

For instance, it's not uncommon for teenage brothers and sisters to exhibit

hostility towards one another.

Oh, that's not it.

Balloonhead and I get along just fine.

Marital problems?

Oh, no, no, no, no problem there.

Oh, well, then what is the problem?

It's our neighbor.

Steve Urkel.

Good -bye, Dubay.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of everything.

I say so bad.

It's the bigger love of the family.

What are you doing here?

Well, Carl, I asked him to come.

Harriet, what were you thinking?

Steve, I want you to leave right now.

Uh, no, perhaps if this young man is the source of your family's tension, and I

can see how that could happen, uh,

maybe, maybe he should stay.

Oh, Carl, I don't think you understand the problem here. I don't think he

stay. Hey, hey, hey.

Hi, little old me.

Hi, the hippy -dippy happy fun guy.

Well, no offense, Steve, But Carl, Eddie, and Laura feel that you've, uh...

You've been driving us crazy.

Why didn't you say something?

I have.

Every day for the last six years.

You mean you were serious?

You know...

It's best if you each expressed your feelings.

I learned that in psychiatry school.

Okay, who would like to go first?

Eddie.

It's hard to know where to start. I mean, since Steve has been irritating me

so many years now.

Like, for instance, last week, I don't know why, but I let Steve talk me into

going on a double date with him and his girlfriend.

Terrible restaurant.

Horrid. Chop his clump for a buck.

Man, they should have had a sign in their window that said, Sorry, we're

I love that snort.

I want that giggle.

I think I'll go make us some coffee. Maybe it'll kill

that icky, icky taste. out of our mouths.

tiffany yeah who's tiffany i don't know anybody named tiffany

i'm sure you do and i'll keep the prime show you went out with a couple of

nights ago you told me you weren't dating anyone else i'm not baby

steve made a mistake didn't you steve

I swear I don't know who he's talking about, baby.

Now, how could you forget?

Now, you spent a fortune on her at that expensive French restaurant.

And that's why he took me to some cheap chicken joint?

Eddie Winslow, we're through.

But, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, listen now.

Listen, there's an explanation for all of this, sugar. Oh, there sure is.

who is ruining my life.

Now, just wait a minute. Can I interject a comment here?

No. Please, let Steve share with the group.

The Winslows really like me. They're just in denial.

Oh, you must be kidding.

Doc,

have you noticed my twitch?

I would imagine being a police officer causes a lot of stress.

Oh, no.

Dealing with muggers and killers is easy for me.

The twitch comes from Steve.

Oh, please.

You're not going to try and hang your silly little twitch on me now, are you?

You don't remember the other day?

Spring cleaning?

the straw that broke this Winslow's back.

We were cleaning the house from top to bottom.

I've got some good news for you. What? You're not staying long?

Not really.

I just finished my latest invention. The Ergo Super Vac.

Oh, great. See ya.

Why, this baby bodes well for your spring cleaning. It's a vacuum of

indescribable sucking power. Why, this baby can suck the spots off a leopard.

Well, we'll wait here while you go find one.

It's so strong, I used it to vacuum the grass clippings in my backyard.

Oh, yeah, right.

Okay,

let me see if I have this straight.

Steve ruined Eddie's date and he messed up your kitchen.

That's right.

You haven't heard anything yet.

Steve Urkel has made my life a living nightmare.

Well, better get going, kids. Don't want to miss the big dance.

Lovely Laura Winslow.

before but this goes far beyond anything i've ever heard of i'm finally

beginning to grasp the seriousness of these events serious you want to talk

serious over the years steve urkel has almost killed me not just once but on

several occasions

Boxer's most important punch is the jab.

It's a quick, straight blow to your opponent's face.

Now, let's see you jab.

How's that?

This idiotic contraption really works.

These wires will connect to this cord, and this cord is not plugged in.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

And when he wasn't trying to kill me, he was destroying my house. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That shelf is dumped to capacity. It won't hold any more weight.

You were hanging from that shelf.

A weight that boggles the mind.

All right.

We'll put the beach ball up on the shelf, and then we'll leave, okay?

Hey, it's Sue Tosser.

And those are just some of the things that Steve Urkel has done to us.

I tell you, if I could get the publishing rights to these stories, I'd

millionaire.

Of course, I'm here to help, though.

Young man, are these stories true?

I'm afraid so.

Boy, when you think about it, I can't believe you've put up with me for all

these years.

I love you, Winslow.

And if I cost you any pain, I'm truly, truly sorry.

Oh, now, now, now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second, Steve.

Now, Steve, this is what I was afraid of. Not one of you has mentioned the

things that Steve has done for us.

Name two.

I can name more than two, Carl.

You seem to have a short memory.

A very short memory.

Steve has done a lot of nice things for us.

Not only have you harassed and insulted me, but you have sullied the reputation

of my lady love.

I just want to know who you're taking to the homecoming dance.

I haven't asked anyone yet.

Well, how do you feel about Lauren Winslow?

How do I feel?

Oh, man, she's the prettiest girl in the school.

I'd love to take her, but I heard she's turned down every guy who's asked.

Well, if you ask her, she won't turn you down.

I'll ask her today.

Excellent.

Wait a minute.

Erica, why are you doing this?

I mean, everybody knows you're crazy about Laura.

Ironic, isn't it?

But Laura wants to go with you, and all I care about is her happiness.

Wow.

You're like some kind of nerd saint.

No!

Baby Lance is on his way. How's he doing?

Check for a pole.

A pole?

Nothing, Steve. He's still not breathing.

Carl, please, we're getting worried. Come back to us, okay?

Please, Dad.

Please, big guy, big guy.

Dad.

If it wasn't for Steve Urkel, my husband would not be alive today.

Well, she's right, Doc.

And those good points are worth looking for. And once you've found them, well,

we can all begin to forgive.

Did you hear that, Winslow? I heard the word forgive.

And nothing gets the healing process started faster than a nice, warm hug.

on, Winslow. Let's hug this big guy. Come on. Come on, Laura.

Come on, hug him.

excellent psychiatrist one session and my twitch is gone okay oh by the way

here's your bill oh okay