Original subtitles

I'm a little concerned about your new barbecue grill. Are you sure you put it

together right?

Am I sure?

Harriet, I am the barbecue chef extraordinaire.

I am the king of meat.

May I ask you a question, oh royal meatiness?

You may.

How come you spent so much money on that new high -tech dance barbecue?

We could have used that money to fix up the kitchen.

Harriet, we don't need to redo the kitchen.

We got a swell kitchen.

I would not dream of redoing this kitchen.

I shall return shortly with cooked meat.

I've been thinking.

It's time to redo the kitchen.

It's a rare condition this day and age.

To read any good news on the newspaper page.

And love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Real love bursting out of every scene.

It's the bigger love of the family.

What do you want, Steve?

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your reading, but I desperately need to talk

you. About what?

Well, well, I feel like my emotions are stuck in a mix, Master, and you're the

only one that can pull the plug.

Does this have anything to do with Myra? I thought you two were getting along

great. Oh, we are.

Why, just last weekend, we grabbed our accordions and drove down to Beloit for

the Polka -Tilla Plots Festival.

Sounds romantic.

Oh, it was.

bells and accordions glistening in the moonlight playing, she's too fat for me.

Wow, now that's living.

My Virginia really seems to like me.

I mean, a beautiful, intelligent girl actually likes me.

Well, that's wonderful.

Yeah.

Oh, it isn't.

Oh, it's awful.

I'm riddled with guilt.

Guilt? Well, yes.

My heart belongs to you, but I'm locking lips with another woman.

Steve, you're causing yourself a great deal of unnecessary pain.

I am?

Yeah. If you would only emotionally commit yourself to Myra, your guilt

away.

But to do that, wouldn't I have to forget about you?

Yes!

I mean, that's true, but...

about you and she deserves a guy who's totally committed to her.

You're right.

Myra's more than just a funky, funky, gimme, gimme love toy.

Like she's a person. A person with feelings.

Hmm.

Hmm, you know.

Smack up on me.

find a part -time job, we can fix the kitchen with your next paycheck.

No, I gotta pay the mortgage with my next paycheck.

Well, then we can use my next paycheck.

No, that's no good. I bought the barbecue with that one.

Hey, Mom.

Hi, Eddie.

How's it going down in Matty Winnie? Same as always.

Dog eat dog.

You hear that, Dad?

Dog eat dog.

Please, I'm trying to concentrate.

On what?

Well, your father's trying to find a part -time job so he can rebuild a

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know, they're looking for more people down at Mighty Weenie.

It only pays minimum wage, but you get a bathroom break every six hours.

Edward.

Son.

Your father is a law enforcement officer.

A highly skilled professional.

Now, I think that I can do just a little bit better than slinging hot dog, don't

you?

Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry, Dad. That's okay. You're young, son. You didn't think.

You see, if a man with my credentials winds up with a job at a place like

Weenie, it could only mean one thing.

That there are no other jobs available on this planet.

I want to die.

Well,

look at the bright side. At least

we get to work together.

Well, that's true.

Father and son.

Side by side? The dynamic duo of dogs.

Yeah.

You're right.

Okay.

You and I are going to be the best weenie flingers in the history of Chi

That's what they're talking about.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, come on. Something's wrong. What is it?

I can't tell you, Aunt Rachel. It's too weird and twisted and sick.

Ooh.

Now, Laura, you know that I have done my share of living, so nothing you can say

would shock me.

I'm Misty Burkle.

Oh, you need professional help.

See, I told you. Oh, come on. I'm just teasing.

Let's just think this thing through.

Okay, now, you convinced Steve to forget about you and concentrate on Myra,

right? Right.

And that was two weeks ago. And I haven't seen him since.

So? Why aren't you thrilled?

I was at first, but then, starting a couple of days ago, I actually started

miss him.

think i could be suffering from some kind of post -traumatic pest disorder no

i think there's a much more normal explanation for your feeling really what

it well i think that somehow the years when you weren't looking you and steve

became friends

Winslow? Yes, sir.

And Winslow? Yes, sir.

I need to talk to you.

I have some good news.

The good news is I've been promoted to district manager.

Oh, congratulations.

Way to go.

Thank you. Now that leaves the position of night manager open here.

I've been watching you both very carefully, and I've made my choice.

Carl. You're hardworking, you're intelligent, you're mature, you're a

-born leader, and no one is better qualified for this job than you.

Thank you, sir. I just put you leaving in three weeks, so I chose your kid.

Congratulations, Eddie. Not only will you be earning a dollar more an hour,

you get to wear this manager's blazer with the coveted silver weenie patch.

The silver weenie.

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

Best of all, you don't have to wear that stupid hat anymore.

Carl, say hello to your new boss.

There you are, sir.

One mighty weenie and one low -fat leanie weenie. Thank you.

Have a weenie day.

Excuse me, Carl.

Yes?

You're supposed to wish the customer a wonderful weenie day, not just a weenie

day. It's a small but important gift.

Gee, I'm so sorry.

Oh, but that's the third time I've had to remind you.

Well, why don't you just stand me in front of everybody and fling sauerkraut

me?

Ah, now you're being sarcastic. And according to the employee handbook,

is a condiment that sours a happy weenie.

I'll try to remember that, Edward.

Uh, Carl, I think that it would be better if you addressed me as sir or Mr.

Winslow.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, no.

Carl. I mean, after all, we are running a business here.

I don't believe this.

Now, Carl, I'd like for you to bust those tables and refill the napkin

dispensers.

All right.

Then empty the trash can, scrub the grills, and mop the bathroom floors.

While I'm doing all of that, what will you be doing?

Oh, well, I'll be doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Supervising.

I'm Bush.

I'm a crash.

Bush? From what?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?

I'll tell you what's the matter with me.

You had me doing every filthy, disgusting job in the history of fast

Oh, take it easy, Carl.

Now, Edward.

And inside these walls, I'm the head weenie.

Okay, okay.

Okay, sir.

Okay, sir.

And tomorrow is Saturday.

And there are just a few things around the house that need to be done.

Like what? Well, first, the lawn needs to be mowed.

Okay, I'll get up early and do it. And then you'll trim the hedges, paint the

garage door, take down the storm windows, and wash and wax my car.

And while I'm doing all this, what'll you be doing? What I'm supposed to be

doing. Supervising.

Wrong. He's the one that's freaking out. Your son is power crazy. Power crazy?

That's right. The minute you put on a blue blazer with a silver -plated weenie

patch, you started goose -stepping like a hot dog Hitler.

Oh, that does it.

It should be easy for him to sit down. He's been doing it all night.

You know, I was afraid there'd be trouble when Eddie got promoted.

But I hoped you'd both be mature enough to handle it. Well, I wasn't mature.

Carl,

admit it.

You're jealous of Eddie. Well, maybe a little.

Weren't you getting back at your father just a little for all the chores that

he's made you do over the years?

Well, maybe just a little.

Carl, it seems to me that instead of being jealous of Eddie, you should be

of his success and look for ways to help him out with this new position.

That would have been nice.

And Eddie, instead of lording it over your father, you should have taken

advantage of all his years of experience and asked him for some suggestions.

That would have been nice.

You know, you both should think about something.

For the next couple of weeks, you're going to be boss and employee.

But don't let that interfere with what you're going to be for the rest of your

lives.

Father and son.

She's right, you know.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too, son.

I love you.

I love you too.

Well, we intended an art gallery opening.

This is so sweet. You guys both like the same thing.

Laura, do you mind if I skip to your loop?

It's right over there.

I'll be just a moment, Stevie.

A moment without you is an eternity.

Steve, usually when I call you, you rush right over before I can hang up the

phone.

I left a message for you two days ago.

Oh, well.

I've been busy.

So then I guess things are going pretty well with you and Myra, huh?

Myra, you were right.

Why, my emotional confusion disappeared the moment I committed my little herbal

heart to Myra.

Oh, that's great.

How be it? door each other.

Why, we're inseparable.

We even spent some time in a sensory deprivation tank.

And believe you me, I didn't feel deprived.

How nice for you.

Thanks for your advice, Laura.

You're a good friend.

So we're still friends?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, good, because over the last two weeks, I actually started to miss you at

Incy Wincy Itsy Bitsy Biff.

She loves me, don't you?

No, no, no.

I made myself scarce and now you want me.

No, Steve, I was just trying to be nice.

Look at those tissues.

You've been...

lasting 40 love songs in a row with no commercial interruptions.

Oh, Laura. Laura, my pet.

I pursued you before, but baby...

into heat.

Excuse me?

Myra, Myra.

Now, you have every right to be upset.

Alas, I misled you, my little milk dud.

You have?

Yes.

And I've treasured every moment of it with you.

But the truth of the matter is...

There's always been a part of me hidden deep in my heart that could only think

of Laura.

So don't blame her.

Blame me.

Oh, Stephen, it's so like you to be noble.

But you're just a hunky pawn in this she -devil's love game.

She -devil?

Who are you calling a she -devil?

You listen to me, Miss Laura.

I love Steve Urkel. He's the hot fudge on my sundaes.

And let me tell you something, honey.

Nobody steals my dessert.

I tried to be nice, and you stabbed me in the back.

Drop on your howitzer, missy.

From now on, it's war.

Well, I think that went fairly well, don't you?