Original subtitles

What do you want, Steve?

Well, I have bad news, my love.

Well, what is it?

Well, you may want to sit down for this. My news is deeply upsetting, so you

must be strong.

I'll try.

Well, you remember Myra?

Ted's cousin?

Yes, indeedy.

See, uh, she wants my bod.

Well, Steve, I think it's great news that a girl is interested in you. In

it renews my faith in miracles.

But, but, Laura, you don't understand.

Mine is all over me like a bun on a sandwich.

You're kidding.

Oh, would that I were.

She calls me cunt. She writes me love letters. She even sends me presents.

even transferred into my English class.

Well, what's wrong with that? She doesn't go to our school.

See what you mean.

Gee, a beautiful girl in love with you. It's kind of like that story Beauty and

the Beast.

Oh, Laura, now there's no reason I call the girl names.

will I choose? Sweet.

Mama, you have no idea what it feels like to be constantly pestered by

you have absolutely no interest in.

Okay, so maybe you do.

Well, see, why are you bothering me with this?

Well, because I've come up with a plan to get Myra off my back, but it will

work if you give me five minutes of your time.

Well, what do I have to do? Marry me.

stuff to do. I have to put away the tater tots.

All right, now go.

But there's still one more thing I haven't told you.

Well, what is it?

Well, my Ray's physically attractive.

She gives me smoldering looks filled with sensuosity.

Yo, we're slamming. Check it out.

Two six -by -nine stickers in the door.

Word?

Four 15s in the back.

Tape, CD player, and digital preamp.

Boom!

Man, it's like having Whitney Houston ride a shotgun.

Yo, man, I wish I could afford something like that.

No problem.

Weasel took care of me. He can hook you up, too.

Oh, well, you know. Yeah.

I know a guy who can get stuff real cheap, you know.

How much are you prepared to invest?

Well, 400 tops.

I mean, that's my entire savings from working down at Mighty Weenie. That's

eight months of telling people, please talk directly into the bun.

All right, but too late from now, I'm going to get you a serious stereo, you

know what I'm saying?

Guaranteed, all the fly girls are going to be all over you. All right.

Oh, sure. Come on in.

Can I take your coat? Oh, no, thank you. This won't take long.

Oh.

So what's on your mind?

Steve Urkel.

The man I love.

The man you love?

That's right.

He's bright, he's witty, and he's so handsome.

I've ever met. And I think high intelligence is very, very sexy.

You think Steve is sexy?

He stokes my furnace.

Oh, you really got it bad.

Laura, I've explained to Steven that I'm more than willing to be his love toy.

But all he ever does is...

on and on about you.

Uh, Myra... Release him.

Undo that voodoo that you do so well.

Myra, I have no designs on Steve. In fact, I'm willing to do anything to help

you get him.

Really? Really.

Could you move to Texas?

Hello. This car is mighty spiffy.

Ah, thanks, Steve.

And not only does she have eye appeal, she also has ear appeal.

Oh, come again?

Wow,

it's been a new stereo?

Stereo. This is no mere stereo, Steve. This is a master blast.

Oh, I mean, you're my favorite radio station.

W -I -D -A.

four tiers and two 100 -watt power amps.

Wow. You'll be deaf by summer.

Where'd you get this great stuff?

Oh, look, Weasel's friend got it for me. He gave me a great deal.

Oh? Yeah. This is almost $3 ,000 worth of equipment.

But I only paid $400 for it, including installation.

figure the guy gets everything wholesale easy buys in bulk i don't know or

perhaps it was left by the stereo fairy what

are you trying to say steve uh -huh figures what

obviously weasel's friend didn't want to burden you with excessive paperwork

because all the serial numbers have been scraped off

Hey, that's my main dad dude.

Uh -oh.

Report card time again?

No, just being cool. Oh. Just being me. Mm -hmm.

Actually,

I could use a little advice on a hypothetical, fictitious thing that

happened.

Oh, I see.

Go right ahead.

Oh, okay. Okay.

All right.

Let's say a guy bought something expensive for a real low price, and

without warning, he finds out that the stereo is stolen.

Oh, it's a stereo.

Yeah.

Anyhow, what should this completely innocent and fictitious guy do?

Edward, did you buy a stolen stereo for your car?

Yeah.

Oh, son.

Well, Dad, I didn't know. I swear it. Well, all right, I believe you. Just

it easy.

Well, what should I do now?

Well, first we have to notify the police.

Well, I just did. I told you.

You're my father and a cop.

Right. And what do we do next?

Learn our lesson and forget about it?

Guess again.

You're going to tell me who you bought it from, and I'm going to try to find

rightful owner. Oh, no, that's no good.

Excuse me?

Oh, you see, Dad, not only would I be getting somebody in trouble, but I'd

be out of 400 bucks.

Well, that person deserves to be in trouble, and you should have been more

careful with your money. But, Dad, you don't understand. No bucks, Edward.

Now, that stereo is coming out of your car and down to the police station. Oh,

come on, Dad. It took me months to earn that money. Besides, I didn't steal the

equipment. And if I didn't buy it, somebody else would have. Oh, now,

enough, Edward.

Now, the bottom line is that stereo does not belong to you.

It never did, and it never will. You know, I came to you because I wanted to

up front about this.

Oh, really, Mr.

Hypothetical Fictitious Thing That Never Really Happened?

Stop it.

I was hoping that you realized that I was ripped off.

Maybe you'd have a little sympathy for your own son and cut me a little slack.

But no, you have to go by the book, no matter how unfair it is to me.

I wish for just once that you'd stop being a cop and start being my dad.

Oh, hello, Doctor.

Is Steve there?

Your son.

Oh, hi, Steve. It's Laura.

No, you're not dreaming.

Listen, could you grab your accordion and come over here?

I'm kind of in the mood for a little... I came, I saw you.

Uh,

hello, Myra.

Uh, Laura.

Would you care to explain what's going on here?

likes you, and since you like me, I knew I could get you over here to spend time

with her.

Why, all the sneaky underhanded tricks to Paul.

You're good, baby.

Steve, just spend a few minutes with Myra. Give her a chance. You may have

something in common. You never know.

You look very handsome.

Oh, thanks.

My hair's a little mussed. When Laura called, I was rotating my cheese wheels.

Nice accordion. Oh, thanks.

Gratian Lumbacker Silver Anniversary Model 2200?

Why, yes.

You sure do know your squeeze boxes, lady.

I should.

I play a little accordion myself.

10 numbers.

Why aren't you looking at me?

I'm not worthy of eye contact.

Why not?

Well, last night, right here with Myra.

Yes?

Why, I kissed her.

I know. I peeped. But what you don't know is...

kissing a pretty girl.

But Mara, I feel so wrong to be kissing another girl.

I want to be true to my heart.

And my heart belongs to you.

So are you going to break it off with Myra? Hey, I'm no fool.

And we're going to the movies tonight.

up with Myra at the Paradise Theater.

And while you're sitting here all alone reading your hairdo mags, just remember,

baby, it could have been you.

You want it to be you?

Nope. Just checking.

Hey,

yo, Eddie, do you think I can get lucky with Chrissy Oliver?

Weasel, I'm dating her.

Exactly. That's why I'm asking you.

then actually selling me a hot stereo.

Hey, I told you. I didn't even know the stuff was stolen.

Man, I'm shocked and appalled.

I'm in this game so that you can't even trust the pfft over here guy.

Shit, I've been getting a car.

What car?

Where's my... Where's my car?

Where's my car?

Do I look like I have it?

What's the matter? My car's been stolen.

Quick, call for backup. Put out an APB. Get a helicopter.

Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. We parked it here ten minutes ago.

Gee, it happened just that fast.

It's down at the precinct.

The guys are taking out that hot stereo.

That's a relief.

Maybe I lost it on my ride.

Scared you, huh?

Worse. I felt scared, angry, and helpless all at the same time.

Really?

Now, you know, I bet that's exactly how the owner of that stereo felt when it

got ripped off from him.

You got me, Dad.

You don't have to hit me over the head.

Because that's what I was going to try next.

You know, son, it's a funny thing about hot property.

You never think about the victim until you become one.

Gotcha.

Edward, I know that you think I'm too hard on you.

Sometimes.

It would be easy for me to be easy on you.

But believe me, I would not be doing you a favor.

I guess.

You know something?

I got to give you credit for one thing.

You came to me and you told me what you did.

Now, I know that was tough.

Oh, 400 bucks, Dad.

Go.

Well, I guess I did learn a lesson.

I mean, maybe that was worth more in the long run.

Oh, my gosh.

This is amazing.

What?

You are growing up.