Original subtitles

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting out of every scene.

It's the bigger love of the family.

Oh, pretty lady.

Numpty pretty boy, and we be damning.

My car was not on fire.

Go home, Urkel.

Hey, I paid for my... I said go home.

Calm down.

Go home! Go home! Go home!

I don't have to take this.

I'm going home.

My dreadlocks, if you please.

What's the matter, sweetheart?

I'm dead meat. You remember Mom's fancy dress with all the sparkly things on it?

You mean sequins?

Yeah. Well, I sort of tried it on, and I sort of got it dirty, and I sort of put

it in the washing machine.

Uh -oh.

Was it damaged?

Well, don't worry, sweetheart.

The next time we go out, we'll just glue these on to your mother.

Daddy, you gotta help me. Mom will kill me.

Well, take it easy, sweetheart.

I'll tell you what.

We'll wait till your mom is in a real good mood, and then I'll explain things

her.

Get her back.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow 20 bucks?

20 bucks?

Edward, do you see this sack of envelope?

This is not fan mail, son. These are bills.

How about 15?

Edward, do you see this bill?

It's from the Landon Lincoln Casualty.

$400 for your car insurance.

Whoa.

That's a lot of money. You said it. I wouldn't pay it.

Uh, Edward, you know how you're always complaining about how I treat you like a

kid?

Well, I'm going to give you some real adult responsibility.

From now on, you are going to start paying at least part of your car

But, Dad... No, but the quarterly premium is $400.

So I expect you to pay at least one -fourth of that amount out of your

But that's $60.

$100. Nice try, son.

Dad, do you know how many times I'll have to say, how about some mustard on

mighty weenie to make $100?

No. But keep track. The guys out of the precinct love interesting facts like

that.

Oh, sure.

Mock me.

But let me tell you something, Dad.

I didn't get this part -time job to be responsible.

I got it to impress chicks.

Thanks for coming, Steve.

Oh, sorry I'm tardy, but I just got back from the optometrist. He dilated the

old peeper, so things are a little foggy.

concert, and I want you to go... Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes!

A thousand times yes!

Why, this is the greatest day of my life!

Well, Ted's coming, too.

Oh.

Well, ordinarily, three's a crowd, but in this case... It's not just the three

of us.

Ted's bringing his cousin, Myra.

Oh?

Well, in some mountainous regions of the country...

difference does it make?

If two or a thousand people tag along, as long as we're together.

What?

Have you been eating?

Why, you're nothing but skin and bones.

Ow!

Listen, it's a double date. I'll be with Ted and you'll be with Myra.

Ted told her all about you and... Despite that, she's looking forward to

you.

Wait a minute.

This is a transparent attempt to pawn me off on another woman. Well, it ain't

gonna work. Never in a million years.

Please, please. Okay.

And these are for you, sweetheart.

And, uh, these are for what, their names?

Her name is Myra.

Yeah, well, you better write it on your face, because that's where I'll be

looking all night.

Look, Steve, give the poor girl a chance. Who knows? You might even like

Ha! I'd be very surprised indeed.

This is Laura. Hi, nice to meet you. Hello.

Thanks. And this is your date, Steve Urkel.

Hello, Steve.

Hello.

I'm sure you're aware that Myra was a seaport in ancient Lycia.

Oh, yes. Then I'm sure that you're aware that Steve derives from the Greek,

Stephanos, i .e. crown.

But of course.

And these are poor boots.

And look at these lovely catananchi cerulea.

What?

Butter Captain Cupid's dart.

Read a book.

Uh, come on, guys. We better get going.

I pray you, my little ancient people.

Merci, my handsome Stefano.

What a cute little...

Are you paying Edward's share of his car insurance?

Yeah, he met this new girl and wanted to take her to dinner.

Don't worry, he promised to pay me back.

Ah, oh.

Uh -huh.

Always coddling that kid, boy.

Carl, are you saying that I'm coddling Eddie?

Well, since you brought it up.

Carl, I'm simply helping him. Harriet, that is not helping him.

Now, Edward needs to learn responsibility.

How is he ever going to do that if you always let him off the hook?

Well, not calm down.

I mean, this is very important.

Carl, let me get this straight.

You're saying that if our kids screw up, we should just let them take their

lunch? Absolutely. How else are they going to learn?

No exception. No exception.

Then why are you covering for Judy? Say what?

You told me that my red sequined gown was mixed up in the laundry.

What you didn't tell me was that Judy was the one that ruined it.

Well, me helping Judy is totally different from you helping Eddie.

Oh?

You weren't supposed to find out about Judy.

Carl, our daughter has a conscience.

She came to me and confessed the whole thing.

I see.

Well, I'm going to have to have a talk with her.

Stamp out that pesky honest streak.

Carl, let's face it.

Edward has always been able to get away with anything with me.

And Laura and Judy have you wrapped around their little fingers.

I guess that's true.

You know...

Whenever I put my foot down, they bat their pretty little eyes and I crumble.

Oh, well, that's okay, honey.

Our children need to learn responsibility, but they also need to

there to help them.

You know something?

You are a very wise woman, Mrs. Winslow.

Why, thank you, Mr. Winslow.

I think we make a great team, too.

I foul everything up and you straighten everything out.

Honey, you're being a little hard on yourself.

I mess up sometimes, too.

Oh?

Well, I can't think of any examples, but I'm sure it's bound to happen someday.

These are great seats.

Well, they've got the tickets.

No, they're great because I'm sitting next to you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

WJGZ Radio and the Chicago Concert Series are proud to present the sultan

sensuous saxophone, Dave Carr.

Laura, you look fabulous tonight.

Marks are proper. That's right, dude.

That just feels sweet.

Uh -oh. I hope she doesn't notice that huge zit behind my ear.

That's a nice tie.

Oh, thanks. It's a clip -on.

So, why did I say that?

Would it have been a crime to let her think that I can tie my own guy?

noticed Ted's humongous bit.

Let's see.

If Ivana Trump married Neil Diamond, he'd be Ivana Diamond.

Do you mind?

Oh, not at all.

Uh -oh. Ted almost caught me staring at his bit.

Steve would put his arm around me.

Hmm. Maybe I can give him some encouragement.

Oh, my God.

Did I use the ultimate?

Yes. Rush of the pine forest.

I wonder if I should put my arm around the little vixen.

Oh, go for it.

really likes me she really likes him she really likes him

now if ivana trump divorced neil diamond and married jack nickley she'd be

ivana diamond nickley

laura

isn't this romantic sure is

Isn't this romantic?

It sure is.

wrap this up already? I'm trying to give a concert here.

Oh, hang tight, baby.

Folks, Lauren can't arrange for me to date this lovely, intelligent girl right

here. And stand up, Myra. Take a bow.

Pardon.

She's a delightful, sweet young lady.

Enchanting though she is, my heart will always and forever belong to the lovely

Lara.

Lara Lee Winslow, the girl with a smile that can light the darkest corners of my

heart.

of my weary soul.

Tonight, I was tempted by the ever -recent personality and bodacious body.

I wonder if I'd have the guts to make a speech like that to win a girl.

Fortunately, with my looks, I'll never have to.

I'm going to kill Steve.

Yep, he needs to be killed.

He's dead.

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him.

I think I really impressed Laura tonight.

Yep, she wants me back.

Oh, with the pity I had to hurt Myra.

After tonight, she'll never forgive me.

God, I want Steve.

I know size isn't important, but I bet his brain is huge.

I don't know what she sees in that Laura, but I swear...

I'll never rest until I make him mine.

If Ivana Trump divorced Neil Diamond and Jack Nicklaus and married Ron Darling,

she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicholas Darling.

Family Matters is a Miller -Boyette production in association with Lorimar

Television and is distributed by Warner Brothers Domestic Television

Distribution.