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1
00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:14,340
It's a rare condition this day and age
to read any good news on the newspaper
2
00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:20,620
page. And love and tradition of the
grand design, some people say, is even
3
00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:21,800
harder to find.
4
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:28,820
Well, then there must be some magic clue
inside these gentle walls.
5
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:36,980
Because all I see is a tower of dreams,
real love bursting out of every scene.
6
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,340
It's the bigger love of the family.
7
00:00:56,060 --> 00:00:57,980
Oh, pretty lady.
8
00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:00,580
Numpty pretty boy, and we be damning.
9
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,740
My car was not on fire.
10
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:18,840
Go home, Urkel.
11
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,400
Hey, I paid for my... I said go home.
12
00:01:21,780 --> 00:01:22,780
Calm down.
13
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:25,000
Go home! Go home! Go home!
14
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,960
I don't have to take this.
15
00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:34,340
I'm going home.
16
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,400
My dreadlocks, if you please.
17
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,440
What's the matter, sweetheart?
18
00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:52,740
I'm dead meat. You remember Mom's fancy
dress with all the sparkly things on it?
19
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,120
You mean sequins?
20
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:59,720
Yeah. Well, I sort of tried it on, and I
sort of got it dirty, and I sort of put
21
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:00,720
it in the washing machine.
22
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:02,880
Uh -oh.
23
00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:03,980
Was it damaged?
24
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:16,600
Well, don't worry, sweetheart.
25
00:02:17,060 --> 00:02:19,820
The next time we go out, we'll just glue
these on to your mother.
26
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,300
Daddy, you gotta help me. Mom will kill
me.
27
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,140
Well, take it easy, sweetheart.
28
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:27,520
I'll tell you what.
29
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,940
We'll wait till your mom is in a real
good mood, and then I'll explain things
30
00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:31,940
her.
31
00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:33,060
Get her back.
32
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,520
Hey, Dad, can I borrow 20 bucks?
33
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,260
20 bucks?
34
00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:43,140
Edward, do you see this sack of
envelope?
35
00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:46,770
This is not fan mail, son. These are
bills.
36
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:49,310
How about 15?
37
00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:53,790
Edward, do you see this bill?
38
00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:56,230
It's from the Landon Lincoln Casualty.
39
00:02:56,850 --> 00:02:59,030
$400 for your car insurance.
40
00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,050
Whoa.
41
00:03:01,570 --> 00:03:04,470
That's a lot of money. You said it. I
wouldn't pay it.
42
00:03:04,870 --> 00:03:10,290
Uh, Edward, you know how you're always
complaining about how I treat you like a
43
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,290
kid?
44
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:13,530
Well, I'm going to give you some real
adult responsibility.
45
00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:17,790
From now on, you are going to start
paying at least part of your car
46
00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:22,390
But, Dad... No, but the quarterly
premium is $400.
47
00:03:22,830 --> 00:03:25,950
So I expect you to pay at least one
-fourth of that amount out of your
48
00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:29,310
But that's $60.
49
00:03:31,430 --> 00:03:32,610
$100. Nice try, son.
50
00:03:33,310 --> 00:03:37,170
Dad, do you know how many times I'll
have to say, how about some mustard on
51
00:03:37,170 --> 00:03:38,710
mighty weenie to make $100?
52
00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:44,970
No. But keep track. The guys out of the
precinct love interesting facts like
53
00:03:44,970 --> 00:03:45,869
that.
54
00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:46,870
Oh, sure.
55
00:03:47,230 --> 00:03:48,129
Mock me.
56
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:49,490
But let me tell you something, Dad.
57
00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:52,570
I didn't get this part -time job to be
responsible.
58
00:03:53,090 --> 00:03:54,530
I got it to impress chicks.
59
00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:16,180
Thanks for coming, Steve.
60
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:20,500
Oh, sorry I'm tardy, but I just got back
from the optometrist. He dilated the
61
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:22,400
old peeper, so things are a little
foggy.
62
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,980
concert, and I want you to go... Oh,
yes!
63
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,580
Yes! Yes!
64
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,760
A thousand times yes!
65
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:02,300
Why, this is the greatest day of my
life!
66
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,260
Well, Ted's coming, too.
67
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:06,660
Oh.
68
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,380
Well, ordinarily, three's a crowd, but
in this case... It's not just the three
69
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:12,380
of us.
70
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,360
Ted's bringing his cousin, Myra.
71
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,080
Oh?
72
00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:19,320
Well, in some mountainous regions of the
country...
73
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:29,930
difference does it make?
74
00:05:31,110 --> 00:05:36,530
If two or a thousand people tag along,
as long as we're together.
75
00:05:38,610 --> 00:05:39,610
What?
76
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,170
Have you been eating?
77
00:05:44,190 --> 00:05:46,250
Why, you're nothing but skin and bones.
78
00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:51,110
Ow!
79
00:05:52,350 --> 00:05:56,150
Listen, it's a double date. I'll be with
Ted and you'll be with Myra.
80
00:05:56,530 --> 00:06:00,090
Ted told her all about you and...
Despite that, she's looking forward to
81
00:06:00,090 --> 00:06:01,090
you.
82
00:06:01,670 --> 00:06:02,810
Wait a minute.
83
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:08,110
This is a transparent attempt to pawn me
off on another woman. Well, it ain't
84
00:06:08,110 --> 00:06:09,890
gonna work. Never in a million years.
85
00:06:12,130 --> 00:06:13,370
Please, please. Okay.
86
00:06:25,590 --> 00:06:27,110
And these are for you, sweetheart.
87
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,740
And, uh, these are for what, their
names?
88
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,900
Her name is Myra.
89
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,260
Yeah, well, you better write it on your
face, because that's where I'll be
90
00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:38,260
looking all night.
91
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:42,540
Look, Steve, give the poor girl a
chance. Who knows? You might even like
92
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,320
Ha! I'd be very surprised indeed.
93
00:07:00,910 --> 00:07:02,710
This is Laura. Hi, nice to meet you.
Hello.
94
00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:04,870
Thanks. And this is your date, Steve
Urkel.
95
00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,090
Hello, Steve.
96
00:07:06,130 --> 00:07:07,130
Hello.
97
00:07:07,450 --> 00:07:11,190
I'm sure you're aware that Myra was a
seaport in ancient Lycia.
98
00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:15,590
Oh, yes. Then I'm sure that you're aware
that Steve derives from the Greek,
99
00:07:15,730 --> 00:07:17,630
Stephanos, i .e. crown.
100
00:07:20,950 --> 00:07:21,950
But of course.
101
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,630
And these are poor boots.
102
00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:33,850
And look at these lovely catananchi
cerulea.
103
00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:35,750
What?
104
00:07:37,330 --> 00:07:39,030
Butter Captain Cupid's dart.
105
00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:40,310
Read a book.
106
00:07:44,070 --> 00:07:46,130
Uh, come on, guys. We better get going.
107
00:07:46,570 --> 00:07:48,650
I pray you, my little ancient people.
108
00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:51,090
Merci, my handsome Stefano.
109
00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:58,290
What a cute little...
110
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,520
Are you paying Edward's share of his car
insurance?
111
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,320
Yeah, he met this new girl and wanted to
take her to dinner.
112
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,520
Don't worry, he promised to pay me back.
113
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:20,240
Ah, oh.
114
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,360
Uh -huh.
115
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,580
Always coddling that kid, boy.
116
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,320
Carl, are you saying that I'm coddling
Eddie?
117
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,980
Well, since you brought it up.
118
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,720
Carl, I'm simply helping him. Harriet,
that is not helping him.
119
00:08:34,059 --> 00:08:35,880
Now, Edward needs to learn
responsibility.
120
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,200
How is he ever going to do that if you
always let him off the hook?
121
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:41,620
Well, not calm down.
122
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,100
I mean, this is very important.
123
00:08:45,180 --> 00:08:48,420
Carl, let me get this straight.
124
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,280
You're saying that if our kids screw up,
we should just let them take their
125
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,380
lunch? Absolutely. How else are they
going to learn?
126
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:55,900
No exception. No exception.
127
00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:57,600
Then why are you covering for Judy? Say
what?
128
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:01,860
You told me that my red sequined gown
was mixed up in the laundry.
129
00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:05,060
What you didn't tell me was that Judy
was the one that ruined it.
130
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,880
Well, me helping Judy is totally
different from you helping Eddie.
131
00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:10,580
Oh?
132
00:09:11,950 --> 00:09:13,210
You weren't supposed to find out about
Judy.
133
00:09:14,950 --> 00:09:16,370
Carl, our daughter has a conscience.
134
00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:18,310
She came to me and confessed the whole
thing.
135
00:09:19,430 --> 00:09:20,430
I see.
136
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:22,650
Well, I'm going to have to have a talk
with her.
137
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,530
Stamp out that pesky honest streak.
138
00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:29,430
Carl, let's face it.
139
00:09:30,090 --> 00:09:33,450
Edward has always been able to get away
with anything with me.
140
00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:36,930
And Laura and Judy have you wrapped
around their little fingers.
141
00:09:37,790 --> 00:09:38,830
I guess that's true.
142
00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:40,589
You know...
143
00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:43,810
Whenever I put my foot down, they bat
their pretty little eyes and I crumble.
144
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,090
Oh, well, that's okay, honey.
145
00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:50,790
Our children need to learn
responsibility, but they also need to
146
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:51,790
there to help them.
147
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:53,230
You know something?
148
00:09:53,730 --> 00:09:56,630
You are a very wise woman, Mrs. Winslow.
149
00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:58,770
Why, thank you, Mr. Winslow.
150
00:09:59,150 --> 00:10:00,750
I think we make a great team, too.
151
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:03,950
I foul everything up and you straighten
everything out.
152
00:10:05,530 --> 00:10:07,070
Honey, you're being a little hard on
yourself.
153
00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:08,790
I mess up sometimes, too.
154
00:10:09,210 --> 00:10:10,210
Oh?
155
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:14,410
Well, I can't think of any examples, but
I'm sure it's bound to happen someday.
156
00:10:22,370 --> 00:10:23,550
These are great seats.
157
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,830
Well, they've got the tickets.
158
00:10:26,370 --> 00:10:29,470
No, they're great because I'm sitting
next to you.
159
00:10:33,730 --> 00:10:35,130
Ladies and gentlemen.
160
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:42,020
WJGZ Radio and the Chicago Concert
Series are proud to present the sultan
161
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:45,040
sensuous saxophone, Dave Carr.
162
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,900
Laura, you look fabulous tonight.
163
00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:07,740
Marks are proper. That's right, dude.
164
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:10,780
That just feels sweet.
165
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:20,280
Uh -oh. I hope she doesn't notice that
huge zit behind my ear.
166
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,260
That's a nice tie.
167
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,340
Oh, thanks. It's a clip -on.
168
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,080
So, why did I say that?
169
00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:34,140
Would it have been a crime to let her
think that I can tie my own guy?
170
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,480
noticed Ted's humongous bit.
171
00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:46,940
Let's see.
172
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:51,400
If Ivana Trump married Neil Diamond,
he'd be Ivana Diamond.
173
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,740
Do you mind?
174
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,080
Oh, not at all.
175
00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:05,340
Uh -oh. Ted almost caught me staring at
his bit.
176
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,880
Steve would put his arm around me.
177
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:17,660
Hmm. Maybe I can give him some
encouragement.
178
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:21,820
Oh, my God.
179
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:22,900
Did I use the ultimate?
180
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,300
Yes. Rush of the pine forest.
181
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:33,480
I wonder if I should put my arm around
the little vixen.
182
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,160
Oh, go for it.
183
00:12:52,270 --> 00:12:58,350
really likes me she really likes him she
really likes him
184
00:12:58,350 --> 00:13:05,130
now if ivana trump divorced neil diamond
and married jack nickley she'd be
185
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:06,790
ivana diamond nickley
186
00:13:06,790 --> 00:13:13,110
laura
187
00:13:13,110 --> 00:13:16,610
isn't this romantic sure is
188
00:13:26,730 --> 00:13:27,730
Isn't this romantic?
189
00:13:28,650 --> 00:13:29,950
It sure is.
190
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,020
wrap this up already? I'm trying to give
a concert here.
191
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,240
Oh, hang tight, baby.
192
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:44,560
Folks, Lauren can't arrange for me to
date this lovely, intelligent girl right
193
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,120
here. And stand up, Myra. Take a bow.
194
00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:57,260
Pardon.
195
00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:03,460
She's a delightful, sweet young lady.
196
00:16:04,650 --> 00:16:10,490
Enchanting though she is, my heart will
always and forever belong to the lovely
197
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:11,490
Lara.
198
00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:22,390
Lara Lee Winslow, the girl with a smile
that can light the darkest corners of my
199
00:16:22,390 --> 00:16:23,390
heart.
200
00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:35,190
of my weary soul.
201
00:16:38,170 --> 00:16:44,210
Tonight, I was tempted by the ever
-recent personality and bodacious body.
202
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,880
I wonder if I'd have the guts to make a
speech like that to win a girl.
203
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,740
Fortunately, with my looks, I'll never
have to.
204
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,320
I'm going to kill Steve.
205
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,860
Yep, he needs to be killed.
206
00:17:59,820 --> 00:18:00,820
He's dead.
207
00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:05,020
I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
208
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,400
I think I really impressed Laura
tonight.
209
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,980
Yep, she wants me back.
210
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,820
Oh, with the pity I had to hurt Myra.
211
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,180
After tonight, she'll never forgive me.
212
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,440
God, I want Steve.
213
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:33,720
I know size isn't important, but I bet
his brain is huge.
214
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:40,220
I don't know what she sees in that
Laura, but I swear...
215
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,340
I'll never rest until I make him mine.
216
00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:52,920
If Ivana Trump divorced Neil Diamond and
Jack Nicklaus and married Ron Darling,
217
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:55,540
she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicholas Darling.
218
00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:01,360
Family Matters is a Miller -Boyette
production in association with Lorimar
219
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,500
Television and is distributed by Warner
Brothers Domestic Television
220
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,500
Distribution.
16840
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