Original subtitles

You're waiting.

Now do it.

Now stand back, everybody. I'm going first.

Hold your breath, Steve. You're going down.

Scream on, Edo. You couldn't hit Wisconsin.

Oh, please.

Why, I've seen better arms on a chair.

Yo, everybody, how about a little help?

Hey,

hey, no fair.

All right, do something.

Okay, Steve.

On three, everybody.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these jizzle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Laura. Hello.

Can I read your poem?

No, but you can read my lips. Get lost.

Laura, don't you think you were a little rough on Ted?

Maxine. He let his friends think we slept together.

He's a liar.

That was two months ago. He apologized in front of the whole school.

I think he's a nice guy who made a mistake and is truly sorry.

Well, maybe, but I'm not ready to forgive him.

Well, what if another girl would ask him to the Sadie Hopkins dance?

Wouldn't you be upset?

No way. It wouldn't bother me at all.

I'd help the girl pick out her shoes.

Wow.

What a great turnout.

I bet the school pulls in a nice chunk of change.

Tara, do you like this dress?

I love that dress.

Yellow was a great color for you.

No way, Anthony.

I look like a school bus.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. All I need is a sign on my back. Stop when lights

flash.

Harriet, please. You look wonderful.

Thank you, but I don't feel wonderful.

I feel fat.

Listen, let's just change the subject, okay?

Good idea.

Tomorrow for my birthday, no cake or ice cream.

Harriet, you're not fat.

So stop dwelling on the subject. Let's just forget about it.

Hello, ma 'am.

Would you like me to guess your weight?

Why? Do I look fat?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm sorry. Her mother was mugged by a guess -your -weight guy.

Let's see.

I see a recent challenge.

A math test, huh?

Yeah. I had a math test yesterday. How'd you know that?

You still have the trade formulas written on your hand.

I do not.

I know, I was just kidding.

I'm in your class.

Oh, that's right. You're Jane Bowman.

Close, close. I'm Melissa Robbins.

I'm sorry.

That's okay. Jane and I are a lot alike. We both have hair.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Melissa. I'm... Eddie Winslow.

I know your sister, Laura. She told me all about you.

Uh -oh.

Yeah, what'd she say? Good things, good things.

You're a terrific big brother.

You're an all -city basketball player.

True, true.

And you won't go to sleep without your Scooby -Doo nightlight.

Hey, keep it moving, Mr. Leg Pants.

Don't tuck her your pucker, Karen. It's me she wants.

Hi, Laura.

You're lucky this is for charity, Tiff.

Look, Laura, I know you're still mad at me, and I don't blame you.

But, girl, I'm miserable without you.

Look at this.

Better than my favorite soap opera, The Young and the Useless.

You're really miserable without me? I swear, Laura, I can't sleep, I can't

Please forgive me.

could start it.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Would you like to go to the dance with me?

Yes. I mean, no.

Maxine asked me and I said yes.

Me and my big mouth. I told Max I didn't care if you went with someone else.

We'll go out next week.

Yeah, well, walk on, pretty boy.

A lot lives with a man.

Ship change.

Ship change.

Let's try.

Do you see anything in here about a dance?

Hmm. Ah, yes, I do. Oh, you are having a great time.

Can you see who I'm with?

Well, um, she's very mysterious.

But she was afraid to ask you because she wasn't sure if you'd accept.

Well, uh, I hope she's the adventurous type.

Will you go to the dance with me?

It says here I'll pick you up at 8.

A guy.

Guess what?

I got my date for the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Who? Who's the lucky bait?

Melissa Roberts.

That's the good one, man. Melissa Roberts.

Now, come on. Who you really going with?

I just told you. Melissa Roberts.

Oh.

Let me see. I can't put this delicate in.

She's a thug.

She is not.

Oh, please.

She wouldn't be allowed in the restaurant unless she was leading a

Listen, guys, Melissa's really a nice girl. She's a schnauzer and a skirt.

What's the matter?

I'm embarrassed.

You see, I can't go with you to the dam.

Oh, well, how come?

Well, I forgot that next Saturday I'm taking my dog to be neutered.

Can't you change the appointment?

No, he's really looking forward to it.

I'm sorry, Melissa.

Bye.

exercise traveling?

Yes.

This baby will take off the piles in no time.

Don't you love it?

For my birthday, you brought me an exercise traveling?

Yes. And that's not all.

Lose weight, feel great at Chicago's premier health spa, Hip Whippers.

It's a full year membership, babe.

You may kiss me now.

Why don't I just skip the kiss and kick you in your pants?

Huh? You think I'm fat.

No, no.

Harriet, you're the one that said you were fat. You've been saying it for

And you agree with me. No, no.

You know, Harriet, it's the thought that counts.

insensitive, unromantic gift I have ever received.

Well,

thank God I didn't give her the Thighmaster.

out with this napkin.

That's unbelievable.

They are the sweetest boys, well -mannered, and oh, so talented.

Wait a minute, Grandma.

You actually know Criss Cross?

Of course.

They pulled me up on stage at their last concert.

That is amazing. The greatest thing to happen to you. Things don't happen to

honey.

make them happen.

Hey, Laura. Hello, slimeball.

Why aren't you out walking our non -existent, soon -to -be -neutered dog?

Been talking to Melissa, huh? Yeah.

She really liked you, Eddie. Why'd you dump her?

Look right out, Laura. I mean, it's a guy thing.

Uh -oh.

Here comes something stupid and shallow.

It is not stupid and shallow.

I can't take Melissa to the dance because she's not pretty enough.

That's neither stupid nor shallow.

You must have been switched at birth.

Come on, Laura, it's like the guy said.

I gotta protect my image.

Ah, the guy.

Would this be the esteemed Waldo and the revered Weasel?

Yeah.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You hurt a really nice girl just because you didn't have the guts to stand up to

your friends.

Harriet, we need to talk.

Okay.

Look, I want you to know that I finally realized how stupid I was.

I did a very insensitive thing, and I promise you it will never happen again.

Just one question, hon.

What? What'd I do?

Carl, I was feeling real insecure about my weight. And then when you bought that

trampoline, I thought you thought what I thought.

Harriet, I couldn't possibly think what you think, because I never have a clue

what you're thinking.

Well, I can't expect me to read my mind.

I'm sorry, Carl.

It's just that I've picked up a few pounds, and I'm mad at the world.

Well, I'm sorry, too, babe.

I mean, you may not believe this, but there are times when I actually feel...

portly.

Oh?

Yeah, but I don't worry about it.

See, because I know that you think that I am incredibly handsome.

Yo, Harriet, jump in here any time, babe.

You see, Carl, for a second there when I didn't answer, didn't you feel a little

bit insecure?

Well, yeah, I guess I did.

Well, see, that's my point.

The bottom line is, if I feel fat, I'm fat.

Well, the bottom line for me is that no matter how you feel, you'll always be

beautiful to me.

Here, sweetheart.

What's this?

It's the present I should have brought you in the first place.

The present that expresses how I truly feel.

That you are the most wonderful, the most beautiful

person in my life.

Oh, Carl.

Carl, it's lovely.

Not as lovely as you, dear.

Happy birthday.

Oh, Carl.

Hey,

what's my thing doing with Ted? I thought you liked him.

I do, but things got all mixed up.

Well, check it out. What's Melissa doing with her coat?

Tonight's just one big crazy mix -up.

You telling me? I'm here for gym class.

Then why aren't you wearing your gym clothes?

I have a note from my doctor.

You look great, Ted.

She does, doesn't she?

No, I said you look great, Ted.

Oh, thanks.

Is she wearing a new dress?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

You look fabulous. You look great. All the guys are staring at you.

And you're staring at Laura.

Come on.

Listen, you wanted to go with Ted to the dance.

And Ted wanted to go with you to the dance.

So why don't you both just dance?

Thanks, Max. You're the best.

I know.

Thanks for coming to the dance with me,

Steve.

Oh, piss off. We're friends, ma 'am. But fine. It's comforting to know that you

respect my feelings for the lovely Laura Winslow.

Yes, I do, Steve.

Oh, when I... take you home tonight, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to take

advantage of me physically.

I'll try to control myself.

Hey, guys. That's what I do.

Yo,

Winslow, you're just in time.

Look what the nerd dragged in.

Cute couple, huh?

double -legged, banana -brained, gum -flapping, trash -talking pig.

You talking to me? Yes.

Just checking. Go ahead.

Weasel, you are the last person that should be giving me advice about girls.

Because, buddy, check this out.

You're alone.

Just temporarily.

Listen, Melissa may not be a cover girl, but you know what?

I find her very attractive.

Let me tell you something, Weasel.

If all you look for is the funk with Miss America on it, The whole parade is

going to pass you by.

What was that for? I'm missing a parade.

Surprisingly, that kind of song is one for one bacon.

Excuse me, Steve.

Can I talk to Melissa a second?

Oh, certainly, you know.

I'll be right back.

Trey Quick, a big punch.

Melissa, I lied.

I don't have a dog. The truth is, I backed out of our date.

I figured that.

Look, Eddie, I know I'm not the type of girl that you usually date. You're

right.

You're not.

You're funny.

You're smart.

And I really enjoy being with you.

I'm really sorry, Melissa.

Do you want to dance?

I'd love to.