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1
00:00:05,420 --> 00:00:08,480
Carl, I called the precinct and told
them you wouldn't be in again today.
2
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:10,600
Oh, thank you, baby gums.
3
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,980
Now, is there anything else you need
before I go to work?
4
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,240
No.
5
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,860
I think I'll just lie here and let the
germs eat away at my body.
6
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:22,480
Well, look at it this way.
7
00:00:22,780 --> 00:00:24,920
It'll be years before you feel the loss.
8
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,840
Oh, that's right, Harriet. Moths are
sick.
9
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:33,400
I'm sorry, honey. Now, listen. Drink
lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.
10
00:00:45,250 --> 00:00:47,350
Peace. Good morning, sunshine.
11
00:00:53,650 --> 00:00:57,710
Steve. And how's our congested cop
today?
12
00:00:58,450 --> 00:00:59,910
Why aren't you in school?
13
00:01:00,490 --> 00:01:02,170
Well, because I meet him here.
14
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,320
I simply called Principal Shimano and
asked him if I could skip a day.
15
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,060
Well, he was thrilled to grant my
request.
16
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,280
Remind me to thank him.
17
00:01:14,860 --> 00:01:18,420
Hey, let's play a board game, big guy. I
brought a bonanza of choices.
18
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:19,840
No, thank you.
19
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,820
All I want to do is lie here and rest.
20
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:24,300
Monopoly?
21
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960
No. Clue?
22
00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:27,340
No. Parcheesi? No.
23
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,960
Scrabble, checkers, shoes and ladders,
yachts, he rests, Mr. Brede.
24
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,240
No, no, no.
25
00:02:15,190 --> 00:02:17,990
Good night.
26
00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:30,510
Good night. Good night.
27
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:02,740
down to the side.
28
00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:05,600
Maybe I should just shave it all off and
start all over.
29
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:07,620
Go for it.
30
00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:11,920
I've been nominated for homecoming
queen. Why aren't you excited?
31
00:03:12,180 --> 00:03:13,180
Three reasons.
32
00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:35,869
longer than the other.
33
00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:40,390
So? So when we slow dance, we end up
making small circles to the left.
34
00:03:43,770 --> 00:03:45,750
I'm still hoping Ted Kern will ask me.
35
00:03:45,990 --> 00:03:49,710
Well, Ted better ask you soon.
Otherwise, you're going to end up going
36
00:03:49,710 --> 00:03:50,710
frightening geek.
37
00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:08,870
With your smile, you're charming that
bodacious bod.
38
00:04:09,370 --> 00:04:13,290
At least you can count on one vote.
39
00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:14,790
I mean, two.
40
00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:20,190
So, where are my luscious little love
bucket?
41
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:23,170
Want to go to the homecoming dance with
me?
42
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:24,730
No, thanks.
43
00:04:25,730 --> 00:04:27,070
All right, yes!
44
00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:31,890
What are you so happy about? She just
turned you down.
45
00:04:32,150 --> 00:04:33,950
Ah, yes, but with a simple no.
46
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,900
Yesterday she said, drop dead, nerd boy.
47
00:04:44,940 --> 00:04:46,740
I'm wearing you down, baby.
48
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:52,480
I'm wearing you down.
49
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:03,240
Harry, what have you always wanted but
never been able to get? My own
50
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,240
housekeeper.
51
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,940
My own bathroom. Besides that.
52
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,380
More closet space.
53
00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:10,980
You know, you're ruining this.
54
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:15,940
Piano lessons, babe. You always wanted
piano lessons.
55
00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:20,100
Carl, we're stretching every dollar now.
Nobody in this family can afford to
56
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:21,100
learn anything.
57
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:27,140
Sweetheart, that's the beauty of it.
These lessons are free. How come?
58
00:05:27,380 --> 00:05:30,660
Well, I nabbed a purse snatcher today.
And the little old lady who owned the
59
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:33,160
purse was so grateful, she offered me
free piano lessons.
60
00:05:35,310 --> 00:05:37,930
Could you keep the enthusiasm down just
a little, Harry?
61
00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:42,090
I'm sorry, honey.
62
00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:43,310
You're right.
63
00:05:43,990 --> 00:05:48,690
Besides, we've got this great piano over
here, and I've always wanted to really
64
00:05:48,690 --> 00:05:51,570
learn how to play it. Well, now you can.
65
00:05:52,370 --> 00:05:53,370
Thank you, sweetheart.
66
00:05:53,510 --> 00:05:55,310
Have I made you happy, hon? Yes, you
have.
67
00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:58,210
How happy?
68
00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:03,490
You'll never know, because I have to go
pick up the kids.
69
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,280
I think we'll jump for a door and get it
sorted or not. Somebody's asking again,
70
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,940
isn't that all you want me? Oh, Lord, my
pet, won't you please go with me?
71
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:18,640
I told you no, so I'll be more prepared
to go out that door and go play in some
72
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:19,640
tracks.
73
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,820
Ma, I've asked you to the dance 26 times
and you've shot me down 26 times.
74
00:07:39,470 --> 00:07:40,670
Will you go to the dance with me?
75
00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:42,590
No. Please!
76
00:07:43,150 --> 00:07:44,150
Please!
77
00:07:44,910 --> 00:07:45,910
Please!
78
00:07:46,190 --> 00:07:52,570
No! If you don't leave, I'll just drag
you into the backyard and turn the guard
79
00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:54,490
holes on you, and you know what that's
like.
80
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,370
That won't be necessary.
81
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,260
I'm hoping Ted Curran will ask me.
82
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:14,720
Ted Curran?
83
00:08:14,980 --> 00:08:17,420
You mean the good -looking, popular jock
with straight A's?
84
00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:20,060
Yeah. Well, what do you see in that
loser?
85
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,600
I like him.
86
00:08:23,860 --> 00:08:24,860
A lot.
87
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,200
Well, what are you going to do if this
Curran character doesn't ask you?
88
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:30,520
Then I won't go.
89
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,980
But, Maura, you have to. You were
nominated for Homecoming Queen.
90
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:38,159
I don't care. If I can't go to the dance
with Ted, then I won't go at all. I
91
00:08:38,159 --> 00:08:39,679
refuse to settle for second best.
92
00:08:45,450 --> 00:08:46,450
I understand.
93
00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:48,670
That's the way I feel about you.
94
00:08:57,590 --> 00:08:59,530
Okay, men, hit the showers.
95
00:09:05,350 --> 00:09:07,630
Karen, a moment of your time, please.
96
00:09:08,370 --> 00:09:09,370
What is it, Uncle?
97
00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:11,170
Look, this won't take long.
98
00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:14,330
I just want to know who you're taking to
the homecoming dance.
99
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,380
I haven't asked anyone yet.
100
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,200
Well, how do you feel about Laura
Winslow?
101
00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:20,740
How do I feel?
102
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,240
Oh, man, she's the prettiest girl in the
school.
103
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,860
I'd love to take her, but I heard she's
turned down every guy who's asked.
104
00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:29,860
Well, if you ask her, she won't turn you
down.
105
00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:31,780
Really?
106
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,020
How do you know? I just know, okay?
107
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:37,700
I'm sorry.
108
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,120
I occasionally suffer from
irregularities.
109
00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:43,540
Oh, this is great.
110
00:09:43,870 --> 00:09:44,809
This is great.
111
00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:45,810
I'll ask her today.
112
00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:47,430
Excellent.
113
00:09:48,510 --> 00:09:49,510
Wait a minute.
114
00:09:49,530 --> 00:09:50,790
Erica, why are you doing this?
115
00:09:51,110 --> 00:09:53,170
I mean, everybody knows you're crazy
about Laura.
116
00:09:53,990 --> 00:09:54,990
Ironic, isn't it?
117
00:09:55,570 --> 00:09:59,870
But Laura wants to go with you, and all
I care about is her happiness.
118
00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:02,370
Wow.
119
00:10:02,630 --> 00:10:05,110
You're like some kind of nerd saint.
120
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:23,000
Hey, sorry I can't be here for your
first piano lesson, but the fuzzballs
121
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,340
couldn't do without old Master Blaster
Winslow.
122
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:36,320
Good evening. Is Harriet Winslow here?
123
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,700
Who wants to know?
124
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:50,210
I'm here to give Harriet a piano lesson.
125
00:10:52,510 --> 00:10:53,510
Oh, no, you're not.
126
00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:57,150
A sweet little old lady's supposed to do
that.
127
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,430
What have you done with her?
128
00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:02,050
Well, if you're referring to my mother,
I'll be taking over her lessons for a
129
00:11:02,050 --> 00:11:04,730
while. She came down with a terrible
cold that she caught from some
130
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:05,730
cop.
131
00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:13,050
I see.
132
00:11:14,110 --> 00:11:17,250
Well, I'm Carl Winslow, and this is your
student.
133
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,300
My wife, Harriet.
134
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,860
Hello, Mr. Marbles. Please, call me
Oscar. Oscar.
135
00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:24,260
Shall we begin?
136
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:25,440
Certainly.
137
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:33,620
Thank you.
138
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:34,759
You're welcome.
139
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,760
Well...
140
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:47,760
on the keyboard.
141
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:51,340
Now let me put my hands on yours to help
you find the proper notes.
142
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,780
This is middle C.
143
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,040
Am I crowding you?
144
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:56,560
Oh, no, not at all.
145
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,360
What is that lovely fragrance?
146
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:03,760
Arpège? Chanel?
147
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,400
Barbecue chicken.
148
00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:08,760
With a splash of tub and tire cleaner.
149
00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:14,640
You have a wonderful sense of humor.
That's very rare in a beautiful woman.
150
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:15,860
Thank you.
151
00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:21,580
I'm not going bowling.
152
00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:24,899
You're not?
153
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:25,900
How come?
154
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,040
I'm sick.
155
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:30,580
Sneeze, sneeze.
156
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:35,120
I think I'm having a relapse of that
overweight cop virus.
157
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:37,480
Oh, that's too bad.
158
00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:41,840
Oh, isn't it, though? But you just go
right ahead with your piano lesson. I'll
159
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,780
just sit right here and listen like a
hawk.
160
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,960
Were you dancing with Vicky and
Marianne?
161
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,320
Yeah.
162
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:32,420
Which one of them is your date?
163
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,000
They both are.
164
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,820
Why did you bring two girls to the
dance?
165
00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:39,420
Well, I really like Vicky, but Marianne
has a car.
166
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,240
Well, though, that is a rotten thing to
do.
167
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:47,320
Yeah, and it backfired. See, Marianne's
car is a two -seater, so I had to take
168
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,320
the bus.
169
00:13:57,930 --> 00:14:00,490
You look heartbreakingly beautiful
tonight.
170
00:14:01,910 --> 00:14:04,210
So, uh, are you having a good time with
Ted?
171
00:14:04,570 --> 00:14:08,410
Absolutely. This is the best night of my
entire life. This is like a dream come
172
00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:09,410
true.
173
00:14:13,930 --> 00:14:14,930
I'm sorry, Steve.
174
00:14:15,490 --> 00:14:16,910
Hey, it's okay.
175
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,350
I'm happy for you. In a heart -sick, gut
-wrenching, near suicidal...
176
00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:32,130
Laura, would you like to dance? Sure.
177
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:01,940
I'm having a great time.
178
00:15:02,340 --> 00:15:03,319
Me too.
179
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,320
I had to think that I almost didn't ask
you.
180
00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:07,220
I was sure hoping you would.
181
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,800
Oh, I had cold feet until Steve pulled
me in.
182
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:12,820
Steve?
183
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,480
Yeah, he said if I asked you, you'd
probably say yes.
184
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:18,920
But that makes no sense.
185
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,620
Steve is upset with me.
186
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,720
He freaks out when I even mention
another guy.
187
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,560
Well, he said he realized that going to
the dance with me would make you happy.
188
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:30,300
And that's all he really cares about.
189
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,120
Steve's at it.
190
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,120
Steve Urkel?
191
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,240
Yeah.
192
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:50,280
I don't believe it. Only one lesson and
193
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,660
already I can play it's a bit suspicous.
194
00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:56,160
Well, you are exceptional.
195
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:57,520
Thank you.
196
00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,520
I've taught piano for over 14 years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
197
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:03,920
Good night.
198
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:07,520
Good night, Oscar. Thank you again,
here.
199
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:13,860
You're welcome. And if you ever need
to... How about a snack?
200
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,540
Carl Wessler, have you lost your mind?
201
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,680
Oh, come on, Harry. One sandwich won't
hurt. I'm not talking about that. I'm
202
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,820
talking about your rude, childish
behavior this evening.
203
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,640
your busy fingers marbles at?
204
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:31,340
Busy fingers?
205
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,360
Harriet, he was all over you.
206
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:36,540
Groping and pawing and touching. He was
not.
207
00:16:37,540 --> 00:16:43,660
Let me place my hands on yours to help
you find the proper keys.
208
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,240
What's that lovely fragrance that you're
wearing?
209
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,340
Give me a break.
210
00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:53,080
Carl, you're doing it again.
211
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:56,160
Every time somebody looks at me cross
-eyed, you go bananas.
212
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,660
You've got to stop being so jealous.
213
00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:01,090
That piano guy was making moves on my
wife.
214
00:17:01,630 --> 00:17:03,690
Harriet, he was trying to get you
between the sheet music.
215
00:17:05,730 --> 00:17:07,849
With you sitting right here watching?
216
00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:10,569
Well, those musicians are kinky.
217
00:17:14,589 --> 00:17:15,730
I don't know, Harriet.
218
00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:23,369
You're a beautiful, vibrant, terrific
woman, and frankly, I'm scared.
219
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:35,290
A guy who's younger and thinner and more
handsome is going to come along and
220
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:36,290
steal you away from me.
221
00:17:37,910 --> 00:17:40,370
Carl, that will never happen.
222
00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:42,670
It won't?
223
00:17:42,910 --> 00:17:46,390
I make the choice of who I want to be
with, and I choose you.
224
00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:08,930
Tonight our football team was
magnificent.
225
00:18:09,470 --> 00:18:10,470
They ran.
226
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:11,690
They passed.
227
00:18:11,850 --> 00:18:13,590
There was no stopping them.
228
00:18:14,530 --> 00:18:16,610
But then the other team showed up.
229
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,310
You know the rest.
230
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:24,590
Well, now, it's time to announce our
homecoming queen.
231
00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:33,770
Would the three nominees kindly haul
their butts
232
00:18:33,770 --> 00:18:34,770
up here?
233
00:18:35,370 --> 00:18:36,370
Ebony Pearson.
234
00:18:39,430 --> 00:18:41,110
Laura Windblow.
235
00:18:45,430 --> 00:18:47,850
And go see the Chutweiler.
236
00:18:51,010 --> 00:18:57,610
This year, the Vanderbilt homecoming
queen is... Laura!
237
00:19:14,490 --> 00:19:15,490
Congratulations, Laura.
238
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,650
Keep it short.
239
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,030
Oh, thank you, everybody.
240
00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:24,530
Okay, that was beautiful.
241
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:28,830
But now it's time for the queen's dance.
242
00:19:29,950 --> 00:19:32,250
Who's the lucky young man, Laura?
243
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:50,700
goes to the one guy who's always treated
me like a queen, Steve Urkel.
18209
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