Original subtitles

Carl, I called the precinct and told them you wouldn't be in again today.

Oh, thank you, baby gums.

Now, is there anything else you need before I go to work?

No.

I think I'll just lie here and let the germs eat away at my body.

Well, look at it this way.

It'll be years before you feel the loss.

Oh, that's right, Harriet. Moths are sick.

I'm sorry, honey. Now, listen. Drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.

Peace. Good morning, sunshine.

Steve. And how's our congested cop today?

Why aren't you in school?

Well, because I meet him here.

I simply called Principal Shimano and asked him if I could skip a day.

Well, he was thrilled to grant my request.

Remind me to thank him.

Hey, let's play a board game, big guy. I brought a bonanza of choices.

No, thank you.

All I want to do is lie here and rest.

Monopoly?

No. Clue?

No. Parcheesi? No.

Scrabble, checkers, shoes and ladders, yachts, he rests, Mr. Brede.

No, no, no.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

down to the side.

Maybe I should just shave it all off and start all over.

Go for it.

I've been nominated for homecoming queen. Why aren't you excited?

Three reasons.

longer than the other.

So? So when we slow dance, we end up making small circles to the left.

I'm still hoping Ted Kern will ask me.

Well, Ted better ask you soon. Otherwise, you're going to end up going

frightening geek.

With your smile, you're charming that bodacious bod.

At least you can count on one vote.

I mean, two.

So, where are my luscious little love bucket?

Want to go to the homecoming dance with me?

No, thanks.

All right, yes!

What are you so happy about? She just turned you down.

Ah, yes, but with a simple no.

Yesterday she said, drop dead, nerd boy.

I'm wearing you down, baby.

I'm wearing you down.

Harry, what have you always wanted but never been able to get? My own

housekeeper.

My own bathroom. Besides that.

More closet space.

You know, you're ruining this.

Piano lessons, babe. You always wanted piano lessons.

Carl, we're stretching every dollar now. Nobody in this family can afford to

learn anything.

Sweetheart, that's the beauty of it. These lessons are free. How come?

Well, I nabbed a purse snatcher today. And the little old lady who owned the

purse was so grateful, she offered me free piano lessons.

Could you keep the enthusiasm down just a little, Harry?

I'm sorry, honey.

You're right.

Besides, we've got this great piano over here, and I've always wanted to really

learn how to play it. Well, now you can.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Have I made you happy, hon? Yes, you have.

How happy?

You'll never know, because I have to go pick up the kids.

I think we'll jump for a door and get it sorted or not. Somebody's asking again,

isn't that all you want me? Oh, Lord, my pet, won't you please go with me?

I told you no, so I'll be more prepared to go out that door and go play in some

tracks.

Ma, I've asked you to the dance 26 times and you've shot me down 26 times.

Will you go to the dance with me?

No. Please!

Please!

Please!

No! If you don't leave, I'll just drag you into the backyard and turn the guard

holes on you, and you know what that's like.

That won't be necessary.

I'm hoping Ted Curran will ask me.

Ted Curran?

You mean the good -looking, popular jock with straight A's?

Yeah. Well, what do you see in that loser?

I like him.

A lot.

Well, what are you going to do if this Curran character doesn't ask you?

Then I won't go.

But, Maura, you have to. You were nominated for Homecoming Queen.

I don't care. If I can't go to the dance with Ted, then I won't go at all. I

refuse to settle for second best.

I understand.

That's the way I feel about you.

Okay, men, hit the showers.

Karen, a moment of your time, please.

What is it, Uncle?

Look, this won't take long.

I just want to know who you're taking to the homecoming dance.

I haven't asked anyone yet.

Well, how do you feel about Laura Winslow?

How do I feel?

Oh, man, she's the prettiest girl in the school.

I'd love to take her, but I heard she's turned down every guy who's asked.

Well, if you ask her, she won't turn you down.

Really?

How do you know? I just know, okay?

I'm sorry.

I occasionally suffer from irregularities.

Oh, this is great.

This is great.

I'll ask her today.

Excellent.

Wait a minute.

Erica, why are you doing this?

I mean, everybody knows you're crazy about Laura.

Ironic, isn't it?

But Laura wants to go with you, and all I care about is her happiness.

Wow.

You're like some kind of nerd saint.

Hey, sorry I can't be here for your first piano lesson, but the fuzzballs

couldn't do without old Master Blaster Winslow.

Good evening. Is Harriet Winslow here?

Who wants to know?

I'm here to give Harriet a piano lesson.

Oh, no, you're not.

A sweet little old lady's supposed to do that.

What have you done with her?

Well, if you're referring to my mother, I'll be taking over her lessons for a

while. She came down with a terrible cold that she caught from some

cop.

I see.

Well, I'm Carl Winslow, and this is your student.

My wife, Harriet.

Hello, Mr. Marbles. Please, call me Oscar. Oscar.

Shall we begin?

Certainly.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well...

on the keyboard.

Now let me put my hands on yours to help you find the proper notes.

This is middle C.

Am I crowding you?

Oh, no, not at all.

What is that lovely fragrance?

Arpège? Chanel?

Barbecue chicken.

With a splash of tub and tire cleaner.

You have a wonderful sense of humor. That's very rare in a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

I'm not going bowling.

You're not?

How come?

I'm sick.

Sneeze, sneeze.

I think I'm having a relapse of that overweight cop virus.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, isn't it, though? But you just go right ahead with your piano lesson. I'll

just sit right here and listen like a hawk.

Were you dancing with Vicky and Marianne?

Yeah.

Which one of them is your date?

They both are.

Why did you bring two girls to the dance?

Well, I really like Vicky, but Marianne has a car.

Well, though, that is a rotten thing to do.

Yeah, and it backfired. See, Marianne's car is a two -seater, so I had to take

the bus.

You look heartbreakingly beautiful tonight.

So, uh, are you having a good time with Ted?

Absolutely. This is the best night of my entire life. This is like a dream come

true.

I'm sorry, Steve.

Hey, it's okay.

I'm happy for you. In a heart -sick, gut -wrenching, near suicidal...

Laura, would you like to dance? Sure.

I'm having a great time.

Me too.

I had to think that I almost didn't ask you.

I was sure hoping you would.

Oh, I had cold feet until Steve pulled me in.

Steve?

Yeah, he said if I asked you, you'd probably say yes.

But that makes no sense.

Steve is upset with me.

He freaks out when I even mention another guy.

Well, he said he realized that going to the dance with me would make you happy.

And that's all he really cares about.

Steve's at it.

Steve Urkel?

Yeah.

I don't believe it. Only one lesson and

already I can play it's a bit suspicous.

Well, you are exceptional.

Thank you.

I've taught piano for over 14 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good night.

Good night, Oscar. Thank you again, here.

You're welcome. And if you ever need to... How about a snack?

Carl Wessler, have you lost your mind?

Oh, come on, Harry. One sandwich won't hurt. I'm not talking about that. I'm

talking about your rude, childish behavior this evening.

your busy fingers marbles at?

Busy fingers?

Harriet, he was all over you.

Groping and pawing and touching. He was not.

Let me place my hands on yours to help you find the proper keys.

What's that lovely fragrance that you're wearing?

Give me a break.

Carl, you're doing it again.

Every time somebody looks at me cross -eyed, you go bananas.

You've got to stop being so jealous.

That piano guy was making moves on my wife.

Harriet, he was trying to get you between the sheet music.

With you sitting right here watching?

Well, those musicians are kinky.

I don't know, Harriet.

You're a beautiful, vibrant, terrific woman, and frankly, I'm scared.

A guy who's younger and thinner and more handsome is going to come along and

steal you away from me.

Carl, that will never happen.

It won't?

I make the choice of who I want to be with, and I choose you.

Tonight our football team was magnificent.

They ran.

They passed.

There was no stopping them.

But then the other team showed up.

You know the rest.

Well, now, it's time to announce our homecoming queen.

Would the three nominees kindly haul their butts

up here?

Ebony Pearson.

Laura Windblow.

And go see the Chutweiler.

This year, the Vanderbilt homecoming queen is... Laura!

Congratulations, Laura.

Keep it short.

Oh, thank you, everybody.

Okay, that was beautiful.

But now it's time for the queen's dance.

Who's the lucky young man, Laura?

goes to the one guy who's always treated me like a queen, Steve Urkel.