Original subtitles

Uh,

Steve, you're late for work. I know, Sweetums, but I had to put the finishing

touches on my latest invention.

So what'd you invent this time?

Well, I like to improve my efficiency as a waiter, so I took my skateboard and

I... Well, you'll see. It's demonstration time.

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Cause all I see is a tower of dreams, real lovers in every scene.

The bigger love of the family.

Okay, son.

Herb, hand me those wire cutters.

Okay, but what's the big rush?

We want to finish installing this dish in time for tonight's world bikini

contest.

Well, where is everyone?

Oh, uh -huh.

You, me, lips, samooch.

You, me, oh, fist, her.

Oh, you kidder. So, what were you doing up there? Shaving the old pits?

I was not shaving my pits.

Anna, go for the biker chick look.

Oh,

what'd I say?

Women.

Careful with those wires, Dad. You don't want to get fried.

Son, relax.

I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics.

You see, these wires will connect to this cord, and this cord is not plugged

young to do the laundry.

Rachel, where did you get that?

Hey, it's not mine.

Then whose is it?

Come on.

You bought this?

Of course not.

It was a gift.

He wants me to shout out to him how the picture looks.

Mr. Winslow!

Yeah?

The picture looks real dark.

Walter, honey, the TV's not on.

Oh, shoot, then I came in here for nothing.

Walter, wait, wait, wait.

We'll turn on the TV for you.

I'm doing that.

Hang out loud.

Work with me, people.

That's a stupid boy.

Look, we lucked out.

American Gladiators is on.

20 seconds to go. Spencer has adopted a defensive position. What's American

Gladiators? It's a macho game show. Two contestants battle gladiators, and

whoever gets the most points wins.

Yeah, I love it. this show.

There's never been a lot of half -naked men flaunting their muscles.

Exactly. I love this show.

See that guy right there?

You mean Sabre?

She knows their names.

There's my cousin.

You got a cousin on television?

Sure. Of course, he's not the only successful fall, though.

I have an uncle at Harvard.

Does he teach?

Nope. His head's in a glass jar.

This is not a dance floor.

And what are you doing up here anyway? Didn't I tell you to stay away?

Oh, now, come on, Carl. That little electrocution thing should be a dim

by now.

Hey, that cleared my sinuses.

Steve, we're almost done up here. Don't mess things up.

Well, look, I'll just have a little look, Steve.

Yeah. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Uh -oh.

What uh -oh?

Well, you use wood screws instead of masonry screws.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

Wood screws are good enough.

Well, sure, as long as the wind never blows.

One good guess and this baby's a lawn sculptor.

Steve, get off this roof. Now, Carl, I think you're being... Get off this roof.

If you just give me... Get off this roof, get off this roof, get off this...

Fortunately, we landed on Steve.

Come on, Waldo.

Let's go get some ice.

Good idea, because my sody pops warm.

to apologize to you?

I came over to lend a helping hand, but you were

rude and patient and not a nice host.

You ruined our satellite dish, and you almost killed me and my son.

And you think that justifies coarse behavior?

society and by golly we should handle our differences in a civilized way

fortunately i have a cousin that can make that happen

tonight

on american gladiators a special grudge match between beauty neighbor that's

right mike tonight's matchup is between

Welcome back, and let's talk to our feuding neighbors.

Bone Crusher, I understand that besides our cash prize, you have a little side

bet going. That's right, Mike. If I win, and I most certainly will, he has to

stay away from my house for the rest of his life.

And Hurricane, what happens if you win?

Oh, there's no if, Mr.

Zonka. When I win, this rude cop has to give me a heartfelt apology.

No, say it, don't spray it.

Okay, gentlemen, go get ready for the first event, and good luck.

Let's see how our contestants match up.

Yes, sir, this is a classic David and Goliath matchup. It's strength versus

agility.

And, Larry, our first event is the joust. The contender has 30 seconds to

knock the gladiator from his platform.

If he does, he gets 10 points.

First up, Steve Hurricane Urkel, but he draws the awesome turbo.

Pretty good job of avoiding that pugilist.

Spoke too soon.

That's Turbo's 11th victory this season.

You're taking an early lead in the competition.

You hit my husband again, and you'll have to answer to me.

I'm down again.

Yeah, spread the word. Don't mess with Mrs.

Bone Crusher.

Okay, Steve, you're down ten points.

I may be down, but I'm far from out, my man, my man.

Well, Hurricane, it's time for the wall. You've got to get to the top before the

gladiator pulls you off.

You think you can do it?

Piece of cake.

No. Fine.

Predators, ready.

Whoa, listen to that crowd.

Ready. Ready.

Jericho's looking good. He's looking great. This kid's got some real moves.

Well, he told me earlier he spent most of his life dodging really well. really

big guy.

Calling all units. Officer down.

Look, look, Colonel Schwarzenegger. Look like Sabre was on the wrong end of that

chute.

Now there's nothing between Hurricane and the top of the wall, Larry.

And that ties the score 10 -10.

Our eliminator obstacle course is the final event where the contender has to

up a treadmill, across a hand bike, over a spinning log, up a cargo net, down a

zip line, and then down this final straightaway, through the gauntlet, and

finally across the finish line.

We're down to the final event. The score is tied.

Whoever wins the eliminator...

Wins the match.

Look out. Bone Crusher's having some trouble with the treadmill.

It's tough. You know, it isn't exactly the escalator. It's a mall.

Hey, Bone Crusher's coming back.

Hey, we're going to have to downgrade Hurricane Urkel to a tropical

I kind of like that weather analogy.

Oh, thanks, Mike.

Whoa!

Urkel will have to wait five seconds before he can continue on.

Maybe the rest will help.

Man, oh man, both Rutgers fought in the net. How many times have we seen that

happen before?

Fifteen. It was a rhetorical question, Barry.

Uh -oh,

13 is catching up. Hey, this guy's one tough little cookie.

I don't know why they call him a nerd.

You didn't see him in his big clothes.

We've got a race.

Sabre and turbo activating the gauntlet and here they come down the final

straightaway.

Two tired athletes, but Larry, it looks like we've got a race.

and it looks like it's bone -crushed. No, it's hurricane.

It's a photo finish.

Let's take a look at the freeze frame of that exciting conclusion.

It's official. We have a tie. The first tie we've ever had here on American

Gladiators. Gentlemen, great news.

It was a tie.

What? You take a five -minute break, and you get to do it all over again.

Steve.

Want to excuse us here?

Steve, look, you win.

Uh -uh.

You win.

I'll never come over to your house again.

Well, no, I don't want that.

Listen, Carl, I don't blame you for being upset about that electrocution

I mean, the sudden catastrophic loss of seven or eight million brain cells

wouldn't make anyone blow a fuse.

Well, it probably smarted a little when I landed on top of you. A little?

It was like being body slammed by a Steinway.

But what hurt me even more, big guy, was the thought of being banished from your

home.

That's a pain too horrible to bear.

Really?

I know I'm a pet, Carl.

love you, big guy.

And I... And I...

admire your persistence.

That's good enough for me.