Original subtitles

Hello, Richie.

Can I have a donut, too?

Donut?

Come on, Uncle Carl. The day you eat Oprah and the day they make me Pope.

Sure. Help yourself.

If you want glaze, they're in the granola box.

So you sponsored me in a bike -a -thon. It's for all good cause.

Well, sure.

Oh.

How's, um, five bucks?

How about five hundred?

Ten dollars.

Two hundred.

Fifteen. I won't tell your mother who put the frog in her underwear drawer.

Make it twenty, and I won't tell Aunt Harold where you hide the donuts.

I always enjoy giving to charity.

Well, it's not exactly charity.

Oh? Well, then what's the good cause?

It's cause I need a new bike.

It's a rare condition this day and age.

To read any good news on the newspaper page. And love and tradition of the

design. Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Real love bursting out of every scene.

We're going to fill our house with happiness.

But we'll smother the blues with tenderness.

There's room for you, room for me, for gentle hearts and opportunity.

It's the bigger love of the family.

Isn't there somebody else you can annoy?

Sorry, it's your turn.

Hey, want to join me in a little hoop -a -her?

Can't do.

Well, why not?

It would hurt my reputation.

As a starting forward on the school team, it's my duty to play round ball,

nerd ball.

But I've been practicing, and my progress is impressive, even if I do say

myself.

And since no one will play with me, I have to say so myself.

I'll just take your word for it. Oh, but you won't have to. You'll see me in

action when I try out for the school team.

What?

Steve, that's a big mistake.

But you'll never make the team.

But, Eddie, I'm good.

Hey, big guy.

Don't start with me, Steve. I am not in the mood for you.

Ah, cranky.

Perhaps you need to visit old Mr.

Laxative.

What I need is a new boss.

Lieutenant Murtaugh is driving me nuts.

He took me into carpooling. He said it would save us money.

Well, it would.

But he always comes up with some lame excuse, and I have to drive.

So far, the only money we've been saving is Murtaugh's.

What's his excuse today?

He can't shift because he got his sleeve caught in his electric tie rack and he

almost slapped himself to death.

Hey,

don't stop.

Freak accidents do happen.

Don't I know it.

I got an Uncle Dirk Urkel who was blessed with a two -foot -long...

trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged a -

enough to see that.

Ma, I need you to sign this permission slip. I want to be a cheerleader.

Now, Ma, I know what you're thinking. I mean, all the other cheerleaders are

juniors and seniors, and I'm just a freshman, but... Oh, Nora, please. How

you ensuing?

I mean, after all, you are my niece, and that means cheerleading is in your

blood. Tell me more.

Don't worry. She will.

I was so gifted that when I graduated, they retired my pom -poms.

Excuse me.

Laura, if you don't make the cheerleading squad, you're going to end

yourself to sleep night after end of night.

Why? You don't have to worry about me.

I don't? How come?

Because I tried out this afternoon.

Vanderbilt muskrat. A physically overdeveloped, mentally deficient high

student.

What's your name?

Urkel Sir Stephen Q.

What kind of name is Urkel Sir Stephen Q?

Dutch?

Uh, yeah.

Well, relax. Don't try so hard.

Yes, sir.

All right, let's see what you kids can do.

Well, I didn't have one.

So is it all right with you? I'm wearing a Bart Simpson's mug.

your mug?

No, it's just that no one would pass me the ball.

And I mean, I'm really, really good.

Look, kid, you're not a basketball player.

Well, why not?

In short, you're short.

No. But you do have spunk. And that's one of the two main ingredients for a

equipment manager.

Oh, and what's the other main ingredient?

A high humiliation tolerance.

to our new equipment manager.

Nipple talk with the girls.

Thank you, Miss Gherkin.

I do try to keep the girls on their toes.

Well, it shows, Cassie Lynn.

Miss Gherkin, I made up some new cheers. Can I show them to you?

Laura, you can show them to me. Miss Gherkin is far too busy to listen to

little cheers.

Oh, yes, dear. Show them to Cassie.

Hey.

Listen, freshmen.

Don't you ever do that again.

captain of this squad, I decide what cheers we do.

I know, but don't you think our cheers are a little old -fashioned?

Oh, and you think you're so hip, you little geek?

I was just thinking we could try something new.

And by the way, if you ever call me geek again, you'll be digesting those pom

-poms.

who might understand is you.

I'm almost tempted to ask you to come over so I can talk to you about it.

Hi, Baby Gates.

What's with the apron?

Oh, I was watching the basketball team's uniforms.

You have to do the team's laundry?

Affirmative. They have to be static -free and squeaky clean for the big game

tomorrow against Willow Glen.

Sit down. There's something I want to talk to you about.

You mean you really do want to talk to me?

I'm all ears, little lady.

Okay, here goes.

with the cheerleaders. They treat me like dirt just because I'm a freshman.

I mean, they mean to me. They make fun of me.

They... They... They treat you the way people treat me?

Yeah.

How do you stand it, Steve?

Well, I just don't let it bother me.

You mean like laughing on the outside while you're crying on the inside?

No way. Well, if you cry on the inside, sooner or later your inside mildew.

your heart with hope, there won't be any room for hurt.

Look, I tried out for the basketball team and I ended up being equipment

manager.

later possible and maybe next year then let me show them my new tears anyway

laura you know i actually feel better now

steve i'm gonna tell you something but i don't want you to over exaggerate its

importance or read more into it than really is there oh don't worry i won't

thanks for the talk you love me don't you

avoiding events. This is a bloodbath.

Lieutenant, what are you doing here?

Rooting for my old alma mater, Willow Glenn.

What'd you get your letter for, home ec?

Football, sir, all conference.

I figured your school must be good at cooking.

They're certainly not good at basketball.

The game's not over yet, sir.

Every time the crowd goes aww, we lose another guy.

Yep. If the crowd goes aww one more time, we're going to have to forfeit the

game.

Well,

men, we made a valiant effort, but it looks like Willow Glen has found our one

weak spot.

What's that, coach?

players who aren't injured, so I'll tell the ref we're throwing in the towel.

Wait, coach, put me in.

What?

Have you been sniffing liniment?

No, coach, really, I'm good.

Urkel, you're not going in.

Coach, if you forfeit the game, they might fire you.

is taller than him.