All language subtitles for family_matters_s03e06_citizens_court

I'll take the front.

Your dad.

Urkel alert.

It's a rare condition this day and age
to read any good news on the newspaper

page. The love and tradition of the
grand design, some people say, isn't

harder to find.

Well, there must be some magic clue
inside these pencil walls.

All I see is a tower of dreams.

We'll be right

back.

Look who's here. Larry Moe and Urkel.

More of my little cup of noodles.

I have something very exciting to show
you.

Feast your eyes on the newest addition
to La Familia Urkel.

All the way from a South American
rainforest.

A Peruvian stick bug.

Come on, grow some guts.

That thing is so ugly.

Pablo's bilingual.

Excuse me, but I don't want to hear
about a bug's sex life.

Steve, why did you send away for that
thing?

Well, the truth is, I'm daddy for bugs.

I love them. In fact, every year I
attend the entomology expo.

My blow here is I shoo in to invest in
most legs.

Didn't you see the size of that thing?

I'll bet that's what the bug was
thinking too.

Pablo Steve

that

thing was staring right at my jugular
going like this He was doing the

mating ritual I Stopped him just in time

Steve, it was just a bug.

It was a special bug and expensive to
boot.

Why, Pablo cost me $486 .52.

What? That is way too much money to
spend on a dead insect.

up that mess and then go home.

Bye, compadre.

You're in a happier place now where the
leaves are succulent and no one wears

shoes.

Every time I close my eyes, I see that,
that, that... You mocked the dead?

Steve, what do you want?

I thought I'd give Carl one last chance
to apologize.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Steve, it was just
a stupid bug.

Well, then, we'll see if the judge
thinks it was just a stupid bug.

Judge? What judge?

I'm suing your bug -squashing pants off.

Wait a minute. Can't you just settle
this amongst yourselves?

No.

Small Claims Court is backed up for
months.

Oh, we don't need Small Claims Court. We
can settle this on that TV show,

Citizens Court.

Wait a minute.

Are you two willing to make fools of
yourselves on national TV?

Yes.

Just asking.

Don't go to jail for killing a bug.

Don't call me names.

Sure face. Anything you say, it's not
fresh. Kid. I'm going to take you to

court. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Hey!

Stop it, you two.

You're behaving like adults.

It's stunning.

This is the plaintiff, Stephen Q. Urkel.

He claims the defendant crushed his
creosilus spinosus.

He's suing for $486 .52, the value of
his dead bug.

This is the defendant, Carl Winslow. He
claims, and I quote, for Pete's sake, it

was just a stupid bug.

What you are witnessing is real. The
participants are not actors.

They are ticked off people who can't
solve their own problems.

They've agreed to have their dispute
settled here, on Citizen's Court.

I have read your complaint.

All witnesses have been sworn and are
under oath.

Mr. Urkel, could you give us a brief
summary of the facts?

Certainly, Your Honor.

I picked up Pablo, brought him to the
Winslows. He aimed for it. Carl found

got his undies in a bundle, freaked out,
and bingo.

486 big ones on the wrong side of his
shoe.

Thank you, Mr.

Winslow. Yes, sir.

At this time, Your Honor, I would like
to exercise my right to legal

representation.

Your counsel?

My daughter, Laura Winslow.

illegal chicanery. Why, you're using the
woman I love in a shameless attempt to

unnerve me.

Nice strategy.

Thank you.

But it won't work.

Laura, my judicial jujubee.

Today, my only mistress is the law.

So hang on to your briefs, Mama. I've
inherited the wind.

And now, Mrs. Winslow, you were present
in the room when the bug... Objection.

My bug had a name, Your Honor.

It's dead.

You were present when the bug, Pablo,
stopped and attacked your son, Carl.

Well, it wasn't exactly stalking. But he
was about to attack.

No, not really.

And may I add, Steve is a fine young
man.

Move to strike. This is a hostile
witness.

Hostile witness?

It's your mother!

Yes, I have no further questions.

Mr. Urkel, cross your diamond.

Oh, no need, Your Honor. My work's been
done.

You may step down.

The defense calls Harriet Winslow.

Could you please tell us what line of
work your husband is in?

He's a police officer.

I see. And has he ever overreacted or
behaved unprofessionally as a police

officer? Never.

In fact, he's been awarded several
commendations.

You're witness.

Mrs. Winslow, would you describe your
husband, Carl, here as an even -tempered

man? Well, I... I remind you, you are
under oath.

Well, I, uh... Well, let me ask you
this.

Do you have a living room mantle where
you keep certain... I'll break it back.

that your husband will often fly into an
uncontrollable rage and throw that bric

-a -brac?

I withdraw the question, Your Honor.
Nothing further.

All right, young man. Call your first
witness.

Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo
Foldo.

Okay, but I'm not home.

Waldo, come to the witness stand.

Illinois.

No.

State your name.

Not name your state.

Oh.

Waldo Faldo from Illinois.

Would you please tell the court your
experiences with Pablo?

Pablo was a kind and gentle creature.

When I was with him, I felt... I

felt... I felt like I was one with

the B .O. Spear.

Perhaps. Perhaps.

You mean biosphere?

Okay. Cool.

Great. Nothing further by.

Not so fast.

Waldo, is there something written on
your arm?

Only the stuff Steve told me to say.

Thank you, Waldo. You may go.

No, thanks. I went before I left the
house.

I meant you may go to your seat.

Oh, cool.

Don't gloat, Dreamboat. That ain't all
she wrote.

Your Honor, I would like to call my last
witness, Edward Winslow.

Now, Eddie, when you were seven years
old, did you have a pet?

Yeah, I had a hamster, Mr.

Fluffkins. Do you remember one day when
Mr. Fluffkins got out of his cage?

Uh, yeah.

Um, I was cleaning my room, and I
noticed he was gone.

Dad was in the laundry room, and he said
he hadn't seen my hamster.

And you believed him.

Well, yeah.

I mean, he's my dad.

Anyway, I started taking clothes out of
the dryer, and, um,

and...

And what, Eddie?

There was Mr. Flumpkin stuck in a lint
trap.

Was he dead?

Yes.

But he was wrinkle -free in springtime
French.

Oh, Eddie.

Now, I know the memory still hurts, but
I have to ask... for one more question.

Now, is it possible for an itty -bitty
little hamster to get into a

tall, big dryer all by himself?

Or wouldn't he need a little boost?

One more outburst like that and I'll
clear the courtroom and

put on a rerun.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

You may step down.

Miss Winslow, do you have a closing
statement?

Your Honor, my client would like to
speak on his own behalf.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen,

It was just a stupid bug.

Thank you, Mr.

Urkel.

Now, what are we talking about here?

was my friend.

And Carl Winslow was my friend.

And well, when Carl squished Pablo, oh,
it killed two

friendships.

But one of those friendships could have
been saved if Carl here, well, had

only found it in his heart to say I'm
sorry.

I'll be back in a moment with my
decision.

Uh, Steve. Yes?

Did you really mean what you said?

Did I kill our friendship?

Well, it's definitely an intensive pair.

Well, I didn't mean for that to happen.

Well, me neither.

But a real friend wouldn't keep
referring to Pablo as a stupid bug.

Well, you're right. If it's important to
you, it is not a stupid bug.

So, I guess it's up to me to apologize.

That's all I ever wanted to hear.

again, big guy?

Buds again.

And you know what? I'll even buy you a
new bug.

Oh, no, Carl. It's too soon.

Well, I have

considered this case carefully, and I've
reached a decision.

Never mind, Your Honor.

Never mind.

No, sir. We've settled it ourselves.

What?

But I'm the judge.

It's what I do. I judge things.

Would you at least like to hear what I
would have said?

No. Not really. Not even that.