Original subtitles

I'll take the front.

Your dad.

Urkel alert.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. The love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, isn't

harder to find.

Well, there must be some magic clue inside these pencil walls.

All I see is a tower of dreams.

We'll be right

back.

Look who's here. Larry Moe and Urkel.

More of my little cup of noodles.

I have something very exciting to show you.

Feast your eyes on the newest addition to La Familia Urkel.

All the way from a South American rainforest.

A Peruvian stick bug.

Come on, grow some guts.

That thing is so ugly.

Pablo's bilingual.

Excuse me, but I don't want to hear about a bug's sex life.

Steve, why did you send away for that thing?

Well, the truth is, I'm daddy for bugs.

I love them. In fact, every year I attend the entomology expo.

My blow here is I shoo in to invest in most legs.

Didn't you see the size of that thing?

I'll bet that's what the bug was thinking too.

Pablo Steve

that

thing was staring right at my jugular going like this He was doing the

mating ritual I Stopped him just in time

Steve, it was just a bug.

It was a special bug and expensive to boot.

Why, Pablo cost me $486 .52.

What? That is way too much money to spend on a dead insect.

up that mess and then go home.

Bye, compadre.

You're in a happier place now where the leaves are succulent and no one wears

shoes.

Every time I close my eyes, I see that, that, that... You mocked the dead?

Steve, what do you want?

I thought I'd give Carl one last chance to apologize.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Steve, it was just a stupid bug.

Well, then, we'll see if the judge thinks it was just a stupid bug.

Judge? What judge?

I'm suing your bug -squashing pants off.

Wait a minute. Can't you just settle this amongst yourselves?

No.

Small Claims Court is backed up for months.

Oh, we don't need Small Claims Court. We can settle this on that TV show,

Citizens Court.

Wait a minute.

Are you two willing to make fools of yourselves on national TV?

Yes.

Just asking.

Don't go to jail for killing a bug.

Don't call me names.

Sure face. Anything you say, it's not fresh. Kid. I'm going to take you to

court. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Hey!

Stop it, you two.

You're behaving like adults.

It's stunning.

This is the plaintiff, Stephen Q. Urkel.

He claims the defendant crushed his creosilus spinosus.

He's suing for $486 .52, the value of his dead bug.

This is the defendant, Carl Winslow. He claims, and I quote, for Pete's sake, it

was just a stupid bug.

What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors.

They are ticked off people who can't solve their own problems.

They've agreed to have their dispute settled here, on Citizen's Court.

I have read your complaint.

All witnesses have been sworn and are under oath.

Mr. Urkel, could you give us a brief summary of the facts?

Certainly, Your Honor.

I picked up Pablo, brought him to the Winslows. He aimed for it. Carl found

got his undies in a bundle, freaked out, and bingo.

486 big ones on the wrong side of his shoe.

Thank you, Mr.

Winslow. Yes, sir.

At this time, Your Honor, I would like to exercise my right to legal

representation.

Your counsel?

My daughter, Laura Winslow.

illegal chicanery. Why, you're using the woman I love in a shameless attempt to

unnerve me.

Nice strategy.

Thank you.

But it won't work.

Laura, my judicial jujubee.

Today, my only mistress is the law.

So hang on to your briefs, Mama. I've inherited the wind.

And now, Mrs. Winslow, you were present in the room when the bug... Objection.

My bug had a name, Your Honor.

It's dead.

You were present when the bug, Pablo, stopped and attacked your son, Carl.

Well, it wasn't exactly stalking. But he was about to attack.

No, not really.

And may I add, Steve is a fine young man.

Move to strike. This is a hostile witness.

Hostile witness?

It's your mother!

Yes, I have no further questions.

Mr. Urkel, cross your diamond.

Oh, no need, Your Honor. My work's been done.

You may step down.

The defense calls Harriet Winslow.

Could you please tell us what line of work your husband is in?

He's a police officer.

I see. And has he ever overreacted or behaved unprofessionally as a police

officer? Never.

In fact, he's been awarded several commendations.

You're witness.

Mrs. Winslow, would you describe your husband, Carl, here as an even -tempered

man? Well, I... I remind you, you are under oath.

Well, I, uh... Well, let me ask you this.

Do you have a living room mantle where you keep certain... I'll break it back.

that your husband will often fly into an uncontrollable rage and throw that bric

-a -brac?

I withdraw the question, Your Honor. Nothing further.

All right, young man. Call your first witness.

Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Foldo.

Okay, but I'm not home.

Waldo, come to the witness stand.

Illinois.

No.

State your name.

Not name your state.

Oh.

Waldo Faldo from Illinois.

Would you please tell the court your experiences with Pablo?

Pablo was a kind and gentle creature.

When I was with him, I felt... I

felt... I felt like I was one with

the B .O. Spear.

Perhaps. Perhaps.

You mean biosphere?

Okay. Cool.

Great. Nothing further by.

Not so fast.

Waldo, is there something written on your arm?

Only the stuff Steve told me to say.

Thank you, Waldo. You may go.

No, thanks. I went before I left the house.

I meant you may go to your seat.

Oh, cool.

Don't gloat, Dreamboat. That ain't all she wrote.

Your Honor, I would like to call my last witness, Edward Winslow.

Now, Eddie, when you were seven years old, did you have a pet?

Yeah, I had a hamster, Mr.

Fluffkins. Do you remember one day when Mr. Fluffkins got out of his cage?

Uh, yeah.

Um, I was cleaning my room, and I noticed he was gone.

Dad was in the laundry room, and he said he hadn't seen my hamster.

And you believed him.

Well, yeah.

I mean, he's my dad.

Anyway, I started taking clothes out of the dryer, and, um,

and...

And what, Eddie?

There was Mr. Flumpkin stuck in a lint trap.

Was he dead?

Yes.

But he was wrinkle -free in springtime French.

Oh, Eddie.

Now, I know the memory still hurts, but I have to ask... for one more question.

Now, is it possible for an itty -bitty little hamster to get into a

tall, big dryer all by himself?

Or wouldn't he need a little boost?

One more outburst like that and I'll clear the courtroom and

put on a rerun.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

You may step down.

Miss Winslow, do you have a closing statement?

Your Honor, my client would like to speak on his own behalf.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen,

It was just a stupid bug.

Thank you, Mr.

Urkel.

Now, what are we talking about here?

was my friend.

And Carl Winslow was my friend.

And well, when Carl squished Pablo, oh, it killed two

friendships.

But one of those friendships could have been saved if Carl here, well, had

only found it in his heart to say I'm sorry.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Uh, Steve. Yes?

Did you really mean what you said?

Did I kill our friendship?

Well, it's definitely an intensive pair.

Well, I didn't mean for that to happen.

Well, me neither.

But a real friend wouldn't keep referring to Pablo as a stupid bug.

Well, you're right. If it's important to you, it is not a stupid bug.

So, I guess it's up to me to apologize.

That's all I ever wanted to hear.

again, big guy?

Buds again.

And you know what? I'll even buy you a new bug.

Oh, no, Carl. It's too soon.

Well, I have

considered this case carefully, and I've reached a decision.

Never mind, Your Honor.

Never mind.

No, sir. We've settled it ourselves.

What?

But I'm the judge.

It's what I do. I judge things.

Would you at least like to hear what I would have said?

No. Not really. Not even that.